Catholic, Neighborly Thing To Do?

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Rome0212

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I have had a neighbor for the past 16 years (about the same age) who I had always been on good terms with. We would borrow things from each other or help each other, have friendly discussions sometimes, etc. Then came time for a new fence. My wife and I did some research and picked out a couple attractive fence styles and I pitched them to my neighbor, leaving them with a couple printed photos. They agreed to the design and we contracted with a fence company to build it. Then my neighbor and his wife wanted to discuss stain colors (thinking it would be nice and easier if our fences matched), so I popped next door at the agreed-upon time to talk about it (my wife stayed home). The discussion was odd though, with my neighbor (the husband) mostly hanging back and fiddling with things while I calmly discussed things with his wife, then he would snipe some aggressive comments at me now and then. I ended up agreeing with his wife that we should get a color selection guide from Home Depot and see if we could agree on a stain color. Just about this time he sniped again for the 6th or 7th time, so I told him I didn’t appreciate his sniping and pointed to his wife as an example of how to discuss this calmly. At this point his exploded at me and came rushing up like he was wanted to slug me. He screamed in my face with veins popping out of his head and swore at me, insulted me and told me to get off his property. I reminded his that we have been neighbors and (loosely) friends for 16 years and asked why he was attacking me in this way. He didn’t answer, but just kept up his tirade. As I walked back to my own side of the property line, he hurled insults at me and then started insulting my wife as well, who wasn’t even present. Instead of insulting him back or swearing or anything, I tried very hard to maintain my composure, but I told him he needed to go to anger management, then went inside before he could continue to hurl more insults.

After that, we progressed through the wife’s email instead of in-person contact. Instead of any further stain color discussion, they informed me that they already chose their own color for fence stain, so we didn’t end up matching up in the end.

I never even found out what his big problem was, though I asked on one of the emails I was exchanging with his wife. I have been trying to handle things in a Catholic way by turning the other cheek and trying to let it all go. I usually wave at them or say hello when I see them outside in their yard or walking their dog. They will often avert their eyes and may answer in a cold tone if I say hello…or may not. I don’t really care about being good buddies with them, but they are keeping a tension between us, even though the husband was the one who blew his top. Oddly enough, they are Catholic too and we go to the same parish…just different mass times.

So, sorry for the long story. I was wondering though what a good Catholic should do in this odd circumstance? I have forgiven them in my heart and just try to give a friendly wave or hello (not ignore them) when I see them outside, but the tension I mentioned feels uncomfortable. I really don’t want to approach them to make peace since they don’t seem at all willing and they were the offending party in this whole scenario, anyway. Am I handling this the best way I can as a Catholic? I know the verse about if you have something against your brother, leave your gift at the altar and go and settle it with him and them come back. I don’t really have anything against them now since I have chosen to forgive them. And I don’t believe I’m required to go make peace with people who don’t seem to want anything to do with me…am I? 🤷

Thanks everyone for any (name removed by moderator)uts and thoughts.
 
That is a really strange reaction from the husband:confused: It sounds like you were the adult in the situation and handled it quite well.

I was wondering if you paid for the fence or if it was a joint purchase?? If it was joint, maybe he felt you were coming across as to getting your way when it came to the color of the fence.

Some people seem to be able to get ticked off my some very minor things.

Anyway, I thought you did great and are showing your love by saying hello.
 
Rome0212 said:
I was wondering though what a good Catholic should do in this odd circumstance?
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Maybe he got demoted at work. Or maybe he found out his wife was having an affair. Or maybe he was recently diagnosed with a serious health problem. If they won’t tell you what the problem is there isn’t much you can do. A “good Catholic” should probably behave like any other reasonable person who finds themselves in this situation. Continue to be cordial when your paths cross, but otherwise ignore them until/unless they tell you what the problem is.
 
I think you handled it well and hope things improve over time.
Mary.
 
You’ve handled it wonderfully, and done all you can. Bless you.
 
well your question really is “why are they responding to me – with anger and resentment”

besides you know that you are right…

so these people are not dumb-- they know they acted like a** hol*s…

and it probably angers them more when you still act civil…

there is a prayer group-- i know that prays for the different neighbors in their block-- which i first thought werd and dumb–

but as they taught me and educated me-- they showed how the Holy Spirit would show you different situations in your mind and such-- as to what is going on in their lifes and how to actually pray for them–

it was a bit more advanced than praying a couple of “hail maries” for them

and quite an interesting way to propheticly pray for them–

kind of like when Jesus – prayed for his deciples – and Peter-- and where Jesus – told peter what would happen to him-- and what peter would do-- and –

this is what prophetic praying for some one is all about–

Numbers 11:29 NIV - But Moses replied, “Are you jealous - Bible …

But Moses replied, “Are you jealous for my sake?

I wish that all the LORD’s people were prophets and that the LORD would put his Spirit on.
 
Since your neighbors have made it obvious they choose to ignore you, just drop it.

Not everyone is going to like you in this life. Don’t take it personally and definitely don’t assume anything.

Go about your business and allow them to go about theirs.

You have already forgiven him for his out burst. God allows us to make our choices and we must allow others to make theirs.

This is my humble opinion.
 
You have done the Catholic thing by forgiving them, and by greeting them when you see them. Just say a prayer for them now and then.
 
I find it odd that in the midst of this tirade and insult hurling that you were not able to discern what it was that your neighbor was upset about. (Even if it was something stupid and trivial.) Either the guy is nuts, in which case there is nothing you can do but go on about your business, or the guy is angry about something in particular, in which case he would have told you when you were at his house. Unless there is specific information you have not disclosed, I’m inclined to believe it’s the former.
 
Rome0212 said:
I have had a neighbor for the past 16 years (about the same age) who I had always been on good terms with. We would borrow things from each other or help each other, have friendly discussions sometimes, etc. Then came time for a new fence. My wife and I did some research and picked out a couple attractive fence styles and I pitched them to my neighbor, leaving them with a couple printed photos. They agreed to the design and we contracted with a fence company to build it. Then my neighbor and his wife wanted to discuss stain colors (thinking it would be nice and easier if our fences matched), so I popped next door at the agreed-upon time to talk about it (my wife stayed home). The discussion was odd though, with my neighbor (the husband) mostly hanging back and fiddling with things while I calmly discussed things with his wife, then he would snipe some aggressive comments at me now and then. I ended up agreeing with his wife that we should get a color selection guide from Home Depot and see if we could agree on a stain color. Just about this time he sniped again for the 6th or 7th time, so I told him I didn’t appreciate his sniping and pointed to his wife as an example of how to discuss this calmly. At this point his exploded at me and came rushing up like he was wanted to slug me. He screamed in my face with veins popping out of his head and swore at me, insulted me and told me to get off his property. I reminded his that we have been neighbors and (loosely) friends for 16 years and asked why he was attacking me in this way. He didn’t answer, but just kept up his tirade. As I walked back to my own side of the property line, he hurled insults at me and then started insulting my wife as well, who wasn’t even present. Instead of insulting him back or swearing or anything, I tried very hard to maintain my composure, but I told him he needed to go to anger management, then went inside before he could continue to hurl more insults.

After that, we progressed through the wife’s email instead of in-person contact. Instead of any further stain color discussion, they informed me that they already chose their own color for fence stain, so we didn’t end up matching up in the end.

I never even found out what his big problem was, though I asked on one of the emails I was exchanging with his wife. I have been trying to handle things in a Catholic way by turning the other cheek and trying to let it all go. I usually wave at them or say hello when I see them outside in their yard or walking their dog. They will often avert their eyes and may answer in a cold tone if I say hello…or may not. I don’t really care about being good buddies with them, but they are keeping a tension between us, even though the husband was the one who blew his top. Oddly enough, they are Catholic too and we go to the same parish…just different mass times.

So, sorry for the long story. I was wondering though what a good Catholic should do in this odd circumstance? I have forgiven them in my heart and just try to give a friendly wave or hello (not ignore them) when I see them outside, but the tension I mentioned feels uncomfortable. I really don’t want to approach them to make peace since they don’t seem at all willing and they were the offending party in this whole scenario, anyway. Am I handling this the best way I can as a Catholic? I know the verse about if you have something against your brother, leave your gift at the altar and go and settle it with him and them come back. I don’t really have anything against them now since I have chosen to forgive them. And I don’t believe I’m required to go make peace with people who don’t seem to want anything to do with me…am I? 🤷

Thanks everyone for any (name removed by moderator)uts and thoughts.
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Since you’re asking for (name removed by moderator)ut, I think you stepped in it when you went to his house and scolded him in front of his wife, and pointed to her as a good example. That’s not good at all. It’s his house, and if he wants to snipe at you, you should deal with it by leaving.
 
My sister in law is like your neighbor. I find that sometimes she will go as long as 8 months ignoring me and honestly, the best approach is to just ignore them back and respect their space until they inevitably begin begin civil again.

Any hellos or smiles could be considered an invitation for another fight with people like that.

The problem with people like this is that when they are eventually on good terms with you again, it’s just a matter of time before they find something else wrong with you or your wife and the whole cycle begins again. Stay clear of people like this. It could be mental health issues.
 
Jozefo said:
Since you’re asking for (name removed by moderator)ut, I think you stepped in it when you went to his house and scolded him in front of his wife, and pointed to her as a good example. That’s not good at all. It’s his house, and if he wants to snipe at you, you should deal with it by leaving.
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and in the future I think that OP will do this. If it’s not in your nature to be this way, you don’t always know how to handle it the first time.
 
KrazyKat said:
Since your neighbors have made it obvious they choose to ignore you, just drop it.

Not everyone is going to like you in this life. Don’t take it personally and definitely don’t assume anything.

Go about your business and allow them to go about theirs.

You have already forgiven him for his out burst. God allows us to make our choices and we must allow others to make theirs.

This is my humble opinion.
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THIS…good advice. I deal with a SIL who has this personality type.
 
Hello Rome0212. 🙂 I think that since the husband started sniping at you as you talked it over with his wife that something had been going on before you got on the scene. As soon as you realized that only the wife wanted to talk about the issue, I think you should have invited the husband to join in–nicely, of course. At that point he may have told you why he wasn’t happy about you being there and why his wife was willing to discuss the fence and he wasn’t. If he got hostile from a simple invitation to talk about the issue when they asked you over, then you might have simply said something like, “I don’t think we need to talk about this right now” and said your good byes.

It’s apparent he had some grudge or problem that he is not willing to be open about. You can’t do anything about that. And I understand how you must have been shocked to be suddenly treated like the enemy by a neighbor you’d always gotten along with until that point. I agree with others who cited that there may be something going on in his life that he is having a hard time dealing with. You just showed up at the wrong time, it seems. Anyway, now that they are giving you the cold shoulder, all you can do is be civil and let them live their lives without being friends. It’s sad, but there’s nothing else you can do if you want to avoid another painful confrontation.
 
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