Catholic/Non-Believer Relationship

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0rph1a

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I am super nervous posting on this board. Just wanted to get that out there first. šŸ˜‰

So, my boyfriend is a fairly devout Catholic and I am an atheist, but not an angry religion-hating atheist. Weā€™ve been together for a couple of years and are likely to get married once Iā€™ve finished grad school. Religion has been less of a thing than Iā€™m sure either of us had expected. I donā€™t think less of him for his beliefs. I know it would make him all kinds of happy if I were to convert, but I just donā€™t believe and he doesnā€™t belittle me or make me feel bad because of it. Heā€™s very intelligent and educated, and weā€™ve had the greatest discussions on the subject (one of the things I appreciate about him is that we can disagree about something, but we donā€™t fight about it).

I guess the subject of my post is, I just donā€™t actually know a whole lot about what practical everyday Catholic life is supposed to be like. My family history with religion is strange, to put it mildly, so I donā€™t have a good frame of reference. Most especially, I want to know about what a Catholic marriage is supposed to be like, so I can understand what my boyfriend wants and is expecting out of a marriage. Iā€™m sure my boyfriend would be happy to tell me all about it, but before we have a serious discussion on it, I want to have done my research so I can start closer to the same page heā€™s on. Iā€™ve been reading some stuff on the net, but I think Iā€™m getting lost in the details. So I thought Iā€™d ask you nice folks for some practical advice and maybe some recommendations for reading material. If you were going to be married to a non-believer, what would your basic expectations be?
 
I am marrying a Catholic man and I know his wants/expectations are:
  1. Natural family planning - I would recommend you read up on different methods as there are a few. It has taken me 5 months to find one I can work with. Check with a local church as as far as Iā€™m aware many run classes.
  2. Children to be raised Catholic, I have no issue with this however as I and my family Protestant I have said there is to be no Protestant or any other religious ā€˜bashingā€™ around our children - his mother has a bad habit of doing this. Respect to all regardless of faith or non faith.
  3. Catholic wedding - however we have been able to receive dispensations to marry elsewhere. Basically we are having an approved non Catholic wedding ceremony. You say you are atheist but Iā€™m wondering if you were baptised as a child? I ask because there are certain dispensations needed to marry a Non Catholic.
  4. Marriage prep classes run by the church - I must add these are NOT that bad. I was very apprehensive about this. Particularly the questions regarding religion but the people that run them are lovely and we have made many friends through them.
  5. For me to do RCIA - not to convert but so that I understand Catholicism so that I can participate in the religious upbringing of our children. I would highly recommend this to you! It is by far the easiest way to get a good understanding of the faith and it has dispelled many if the myths I had previously heard about Catholicism.
  6. Mass every week once children are born, he goes anyway but never forces me to although I have been several times. However once we have children mass will be a family occasion- no ifs or buts!** That is his main desire**.
I will admit the first book I read about the Catholic faith was Catholicism for Dummies! For me it was a good starting block (almost 4 years ago )
 
Get hold of a copy of Fr Robert Barronā€™s book Catholicism. It puts the faith into context both historically and in the modern times. The book shines a light on how the Catholic mind, body and soul works.

Itā€™s doesnā€™t set out to convert, just to explain ā€œthis is who we are, this is what we believe and whyā€. It might be a little more difficult to understand many of the precepts of a Catholic marriage if you donā€™t first find out why your boyfriend thinks the way he does, and why certain things are so very important to him.

If you can manage to see the DVDs then so much the better because the visuals are awesome. If not then I really do recommend the audio-book version because Fr Barron has a really easy-to-listen to voice which makes it more personal and immediate. The book makes a good place to start a discussion with him about a whole load of things which may crop up in your lives together.
 
My parish bought the Dvds, so if you call around, you may find a parish which owns a copy theyā€™d be willing to let you watch.
 
C.S. Lewisā€™ Mere Christianity is one of the best books on real Christianity ever written, I think.
Kindle edition available too. He converted to the CC not long after the book was written from the C of E.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
C.S. Lewisā€™ Mere Christianity is one of the best books on real Christianity ever written, I think.
Kindle edition available too. He converted to the CC not long after the book was written from the C of E.
Click to expand...
That is not true. Lewis died as a Protestant.
 
Ral91 said:
I am marrying a Catholic man and I know his wants/expectations are:
  1. Natural family planning - I would recommend you read up on different methods as there are a few. It has taken me 5 months to find one I can work with. Check with a local church as as far as Iā€™m aware many run classes.
  2. Children to be raised Catholic, I have no issue with this however as I and my family Protestant I have said there is to be no Protestant or any other religious ā€˜bashingā€™ around our children - his mother has a bad habit of doing this. Respect to all regardless of faith or non faith.
  3. Catholic wedding - however we have been able to receive dispensations to marry elsewhere. Basically we are having an approved non Catholic wedding ceremony. You say you are atheist but Iā€™m wondering if you were baptised as a child? I ask because there are certain dispensations needed to marry a Non Catholic.
  4. Marriage prep classes run by the church - I must add these are NOT that bad. I was very apprehensive about this. Particularly the questions regarding religion but the people that run them are lovely and we have made many friends through them.
  5. For me to do RCIA - not to convert but so that I understand Catholicism so that I can participate in the religious upbringing of our children. I would highly recommend this to you! It is by far the easiest way to get a good understanding of the faith and it has dispelled many if the myths I had previously heard about Catholicism.
  6. Mass every week once children are born, he goes anyway but never forces me to although I have been several times. However once we have children mass will be a family occasion- no ifs or buts!** That is his main desire**.
I will admit the first book I read about the Catholic faith was Catholicism for Dummies! For me it was a good starting block (almost 4 years ago )
Click to expand...
This is all spot-on.
 
The problem here is that there isnā€™t really a ā€œcheck-the-boxā€ system when it comes to our faith.

At least it shouldnā€™t be like this. Yes, one must agree with Church teachings and that includesā€¦no birth control/barrier methods/sterilizations when it comes to marital relationsā€¦each and every act must be open to life, Children must be raised Catholic, Catholic wedding, weekly Mass attendanceā€¦and so on.
If we arenā€™t carefulā€¦we fall into this system when it comes to the sacraments and then forget about the importance of them and why they are their.

They display a sense of graceā€¦both within ourselves and outside of us as well.

We are, above all, encouraged to grow in our faith and achieve a more personal relationship with Jesus. We are also encouraged to be a positive representation of our faith as well.

Heading out to Mass once a week isnā€™t enough to accomplish this. We are encouraged to live our faith. To pray daily and together, as a family. To read scripture. To go to adoration. To set a continuous moral example at home and out in the worldā€¦and that includes taking advantage of the sacrament of confession as frequently as neededā€¦but also explaining why we need to examine our conscious on a regular basis and discern when we need to take advantage of this sacrament as well.

Heading out to Mass once a week and enrolling the children in CCD and calling it a day isnā€™t enough.
Children learn from their parents and take example from their parents. Parents need to live the faith every single dayā€¦both privately and publicly.

Your goal isnā€™t to just raise the children Catholicā€¦your goal is to raise them in such a way that they retain their faith throughout their livesā€¦to always be that example of the faithā€¦even when they are out of the house, married and with kids of their own.

That takes more then checking the boxes off.
 
A lot of the previous posts are great, so instead of re-hashing what they have been saying, I will just add another thing.

Roam around Catholic.com! I think it is THE BEST site for Catholics and Non-Catholics. I am Catholic, but I have learned so much about my faith and this site has answered so many questions for me. I think you will gain so much by just getting your hands on every ounce of solid Catholic material you can find. šŸ™‚
 
Kelfa28 said:
The problem here is that there isnā€™t really a ā€œcheck-the-boxā€ system when it comes to our faith.

At least it shouldnā€™t be like this. Yes, one must agree with Church teachings and that includesā€¦no birth control/barrier methods/sterilizations when it comes to marital relationsā€¦each and every act must be open to life, Children must be raised Catholic, Catholic wedding, weekly Mass attendanceā€¦and so on.
If we arenā€™t carefulā€¦**we fall into this system when it comes to the sacraments and then forget about the importance of them and why they are their.
**
They display a sense of graceā€¦both within ourselves and outside of us as well.

We are, above all, encouraged to grow in our faith and achieve a more personal relationship with Jesus. We are also encouraged to be a positive representation of our faith as well.

Heading out to Mass once a week isnā€™t enough to accomplish this. We are encouraged to live our faith. To pray daily and together, as a family. To read scripture. To go to adoration. To set a continuous moral example at home and out in the worldā€¦and that includes taking advantage of the sacrament of confession as frequently as neededā€¦but also explaining why we need to examine our conscious on a regular basis and discern when we need to take advantage of this sacrament as well.

Heading out to Mass once a week and enrolling the children in CCD and calling it a day isnā€™t enough.
Children learn from their parents and take example from their parents. Parents need to live the faith every single dayā€¦both privately and publicly.

Your goal isnā€™t to just raise the children Catholicā€¦your goal is to raise them in such a way that they retain their faith throughout their livesā€¦to always be that example of the faithā€¦even when they are out of the house, married and with kids of their own.

That takes more then checking the boxes off.
Click to expand...
But if Iā€™m not mistaken, that will her husbands job s she is not Catholic? Would her role not be to make sure her children received the sacraments and her husbands to make sure they understood them? If the OP is atheist then the sacraments, while she could respect them, would carry very little meaning for her i imagine. You say ā€œParents need to live the faithā€ but in the circumstance there would only be one parent with the faith so the ideals you set out of family prayer etc would not really be able to happen would they? How could mummy pray but not believe in what sheā€™s doing? It seems odd and confusing.
 
Kelfa28 said:
The problem here is that there isnā€™t really a ā€œcheck-the-boxā€ system when it comes to our faith.

At least it shouldnā€™t be like this. Yes, one must agree with Church teachings and that includesā€¦no birth control/barrier methods/sterilizations when it comes to marital relationsā€¦each and every act must be open to life, Children must be raised Catholic, Catholic wedding, weekly Mass attendanceā€¦and so on.
If we arenā€™t carefulā€¦we fall into this system when it comes to the sacraments and then forget about the importance of them and why they are their.

They display a sense of graceā€¦both within ourselves and outside of us as well.

We are, above all, encouraged to grow in our faith and achieve a more personal relationship with Jesus. We are also encouraged to be a positive representation of our faith as well.

Heading out to Mass once a week isnā€™t enough to accomplish this. We are encouraged to live our faith. To pray daily and together, as a family. To read scripture. To go to adoration. To set a continuous moral example at home and out in the worldā€¦and that includes taking advantage of the sacrament of confession as frequently as neededā€¦but also explaining why we need to examine our conscious on a regular basis and discern when we need to take advantage of this sacrament as well.

Heading out to Mass once a week and enrolling the children in CCD and calling it a day isnā€™t enough.
Children learn from their parents and take example from their parents. Parents need to live the faith every single dayā€¦both privately and publicly.

Your goal isnā€™t to just raise the children Catholicā€¦your goal is to raise them in such a way that they retain their faith throughout their livesā€¦to always be that example of the faithā€¦even when they are out of the house, married and with kids of their own.

That takes more then checking the boxes off.
Click to expand...
Sounds like youā€™re just adding more boxes.
 
Thanks for the helpful info and the reading suggestions, I will definitely check those out. šŸ™‚

In response to someoneā€™s question, Iā€™ve never actually been baptised anything. My father is the minister of an off-brand pentecostal church (Iā€™m sad to say that they engage in snake handling periodically), but by the time I was old enough where they were starting to get seriously worried about me not being baptised, I was old enough to realize I didnā€™t believe and didnā€™t feel like it was right to just go through the motions.

Iā€™m perfectly fine with raising the kids Catholic. I donā€™t think I could pretend to be something Iā€™m not so I would have to be honest if it came up at some point, but Iā€™m okay with the ā€œThis is what your dad believes and itā€™s very important to him that you go, because youā€™re important to him. Plus, youā€™ll learn somethingā€ school of thinking. I am less fine with going to church myself, as it makes me really anxious due to memories of church growing up and just general run ins with Christians down here in the Bible belt, but Iā€™m willing to give it a try.
 
0rph1a said:
I am less fine with going to church myself, as it makes me really anxious due to memories of church growing up and just general run ins with Christians down here in the Bible belt, but Iā€™m willing to give it a try.
Click to expand...
Your dear fiance has found a gem of a bride. May I say, ā€œThank youā€ for wanting to discover what an atheist wife of a Catholic husband may experience and wanting to be educated on his faith.

Let me also invite you to Mass without fear and anxiety. A church should be a place of peace. I think you will find it to be peaceful.

Do not let your childhood memories spoil a day for you any place. Let today be today.

You should not expect anyone at Mass to have ā€œrun insā€ with you even in the Bible Belt.
Although you might surprise someone by saying you are atheist, since there usually arenā€™t atheist at Mass.

You are invited to sit for all of Mass if that makes you feel more comfortable. You can also follow along with the other Mass postures of standing and kneeling - if you choose.

I invite you after Mass to walk quietly along the church to see the Stations of the Cross, the statues, the stain glass windows, the stenciling on the walls and ceiling, the tabernacle, holy water fonts, and baptismal fonts. There is so much beauty in a church. Thereā€™s a story behind all of it.

Godā€™s blessings to you and your fiance on your upcoming wedding. (You will hear a lot of that from his family and friends. Know that they truly wish this to you, even knowing you are an atheist.)
 
Dear OP. I will not reiterate all that has been said. I do recommend that you research why Catholics believe as they do. Not just what, but why. There are some very convincing arguments for the existence of God, etc. Not trying to be pushy, but later in your marriage if your husbandā€™s faith becomes irritating to you, it would be good to understand that his faith is not borne of ignorance but of truly compelling evidence. Learn as much as you can.
 
eyesopening said:
Dear OP. I will not reiterate all that has been said. I do recommend that you research why Catholics believe as they do. Not just what, but why. There are some very convincing arguments for the existence of God, etc. Not trying to be pushy, but later in your marriage if your husbandā€™s faith becomes irritating to you, it would be good to understand that his faith is not borne of ignorance but of truly compelling evidence. Learn as much as you can.
Click to expand...
lol You sound like my boyfriend. Weā€™ve discussed a lot of the different points, but I suppose it really boils down to reasonable doubt and feelings. In the presence of reasonable doubt, he feels a connection to something that makes him believe and I never have.

It turns out, he had some of the books that you guys suggested already, so it looks like Iā€™m going to be busy for awhile. šŸ™‚

Iā€™m going to be spending Christmas with his family for the first time this year, so I will most likely end up going to church with them while Iā€™m there. Are there any particular things I should be aware of going to Mass for the first time or with Christmas Mass especially? I donā€™t want to offend anyone or stick out.
 
0rph1a said:
lol You sound like my boyfriend. Weā€™ve discussed a lot of the different points, but I suppose it really boils down to reasonable doubt and feelings. In the presence of reasonable doubt, he feels a connection to something that makes him believe and I never have.

It turns out, he had some of the books that you guys suggested already, so it looks like Iā€™m going to be busy for awhile. šŸ™‚

Iā€™m going to be spending Christmas with his family for the first time this year, so I will most likely end up going to church with them while Iā€™m there. Are there any particular things I should be aware of going to Mass for the first time or with Christmas Mass especially? I donā€™t want to offend anyone or stick out.
Click to expand...
A couple of useful things I can think of:
You might want to look at the order of the Mass before you go so nothing catches you off guard. Feel free to say/sing anything you feel comfortable with, and stay silent for anything youā€™re not. If this involves being completely silent, thatā€™s perfectly fine too. Stand when others are standing, but you donā€™t have to kneel when other are if youā€™re not comfortable with it. In that case just stay seated. And you probably already know this, but donā€™t go up to receive Communion.
 
Ral91 said:
I am marrying a Catholic man and I know his wants/expectations are:
  1. Natural family planning - I would recommend you read up on different methods as there are a few. It has taken me 5 months to find one I can work with. Check with a local church as as far as Iā€™m aware many run classes.
  2. Children to be raised Catholic, I have no issue with this however as I and my family Protestant I have said there is to be no Protestant or any other religious ā€˜bashingā€™ around our children - his mother has a bad habit of doing this. Respect to all regardless of faith or non faith.
  3. Catholic wedding - however we have been able to receive dispensations to marry elsewhere. Basically we are having an approved non Catholic wedding ceremony. You say you are atheist but Iā€™m wondering if you were baptised as a child? I ask because there are certain dispensations needed to marry a Non Catholic.
  4. Marriage prep classes run by the church - I must add these are NOT that bad. I was very apprehensive about this. Particularly the questions regarding religion but the people that run them are lovely and we have made many friends through them.
  5. For me to do RCIA - not to convert but so that I understand Catholicism so that I can participate in the religious upbringing of our children. I would highly recommend this to you! It is by far the easiest way to get a good understanding of the faith and it has dispelled many if the myths I had previously heard about Catholicism.
  6. Mass every week once children are born, he goes anyway but never forces me to although I have been several times. However once we have children mass will be a family occasion- no ifs or buts!** That is his main desire**.
I will admit the first book I read about the Catholic faith was Catholicism for Dummies! For me it was a good starting block (almost 4 years ago )
Click to expand...
This is all very good stuff.

Some families expect to have a family Rosary every evening, as well, especially once there are girls born into the family.

And of course it will be expected that the children will receive all of their Sacraments, and that they will attend Catholic schools, or else some form of religious education through the Church on a weekly basis.
 
Hi,
Firstly, as other people have said I think its wonderful that you are trying to find out what to expect. Weā€™re the reverse to you, Iā€™m catholic and my partner is athiest.

Someone recommended a book to me called ā€˜how to survive being married to a catholicā€™ i mnaged to get it on amazon second hand. My boyfriend quite liked it, and said it helped as it was something quite light he could dip in and out of.

Wishing you both every happiness
 
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