Catholic/non-catholic marriage and kids

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ahimsaman72

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Hello there all -

I could’ve asked this question in the apology part, but wanted a plethora of responses from you smart folks :D.

In considering conversion (for myself only) from the Baptist church with a Baptist wife and kids, will I be required to raise them Catholic even if my wife will not consent to that? My understanding is that my conversion acceptance is conditioned upon this required education of my children as Catholics.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

God bless…
 
Hi!
I was just married, and to a non-Catholic. One of the promises made during the wedding ceremony was to raise our children in the church. We talked a lot about this during pre-cana (pre- marital counseling). My Mom is also married to a non-Catholic, but converted a few years after they were married. They had to go through a kind of pre-cana also which discussed this promise as well.
 
ahimsaman72 – you need to talk to a priest. May God send you a good, compassionate one! I do not believe you will encounter this issue in the way a cradle Catholic does.

Get a copy of Rome Sweet Home. Scott Hahn had children before his wife converted . . .
 
Are you predicting opposition from your wife concerning this issue?
 
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mercygate:
ahimsaman72 – you need to talk to a priest. May God send you a good, compassionate one! I do not believe you will encounter this issue in the way a cradle Catholic does.

Get a copy of Rome Sweet Home. Scott Hahn had children before his wife converted . . .
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Thanks mercygate!

Peace…
 
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Ana:
Are you predicting opposition from your wife concerning this issue?
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About a year ago I contemplated conversion and her and I had a battle over this issue. I did not go through RCIA then because she would not convert nor let our children be raised Catholic. I left it alone to cool the issue but let her know that I still might go through RCIA in the future.

Things healed, but now she is even more anti-religious than a year ago. I guess I should’ve pushed on last year, but I really felt our marriage would fall apart and a battle would then start over our kids. I’ve seen my sister go through two divorces now (both with children involved) and it is terrible to say the least.

I have seen apologists counsel people to press on regardless but that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Thanks for your interest 🙂

Peace…
 
Dear ahimsaman,
I am by no means an expert on this, but here’s my two cents worth. Your situation is not equivalent to people entering a marriage. You are already in a marriage. Catholicism was not on the table when you and your spouse married. Demanding that the kids become Catholic now would be changing the terms of the marital covenant.
Christians in the early church had similar situations, where one spouse converted. That person was not required to force conversion of the rest of the family, but to seek to bring Christ into the home.
I am not sure what the RCIA conditions are, but it seems unreasonable to condition your acceptance into the church on the actions of others over whom you do not have control. If the condition is that you will TRY to get the kids to become Catholic, that is different than saying they must be now. You could agree to that, hoping that eventually your wife will come around.
Talk to your priest and pray about it. I will pray for you. :gopray:
 
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ahimsaman72:
About a year ago I contemplated conversion and her and I had a battle over this issue. I did not go through RCIA then because she would not convert nor let our children be raised Catholic. I left it alone to cool the issue but let her know that I still might go through RCIA in the future.

Things healed, but now she is even more anti-religious than a year ago. I guess I should’ve pushed on last year, but I really felt our marriage would fall apart and a battle would then start over our kids. I’ve seen my sister go through two divorces now (both with children involved) and it is terrible to say the least.

I have seen apologists counsel people to press on regardless but that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Thanks for your interest 🙂

Peace…
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Get that BOOK! (Rome Sweet Home) and talk to somebody who has been through this. I know a great Jewish guy who has been a catechumen for 4 years because his wife is so set against it. But give the Holy Spirit a little room to work (seems like you ARE doing just that). Go talk to a priest. Contact the Coming Home Network. After Scott Hahn converted and was pushing his highly-resistant wife to convert, his spiritual director advised: Step up the romance and back off on the doctrine.

Knowing that your commitment to her is unbreakable will go a long way towards allowing her to accept the integrity of your decision. And you will sense when the time will be right for you to take the step, even if she is not yet ready herself.
 
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mercygate:
Get that BOOK! (Rome Sweet Home) and talk to somebody who has been through this. I know a great Jewish guy who has been a catechumen for 4 years because his wife is so set against it. But give the Holy Spirit a little room to work (seems like you ARE doing just that). Go talk to a priest. Contact the Coming Home Network. After Scott Hahn converted and was pushing his highly-resistant wife to convert, his spiritual director advised: Step up the romance and back off on the doctrine.

Knowing that your commitment to her is unbreakable will go a long way towards allowing her to accept the integrity of your decision. And you will sense when the time will be right for you to take the step, even if she is not yet ready herself.
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mercygate, as always you are wise and so compassionate. Thank you sister. Yes I am confident that Christ would not want my wife and I separated over this issue. We have been married ten years now with 3 wonderful kids. We’ve always done things together as a family and faced our triumphs and trials together. I don’t want to mess that up now. I know that God has put us together and we are joined - we are one entity. That’s my personal view and I believe the Biblical teaching.

My wife will be glad if I step up the romance :). I’m a fairly sweet guy but could always use improvement :D. You have been so sweet to me. Bless you…

Peace…
 
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MulusChristi:
Dear ahimsaman,
I am by no means an expert on this, but here’s my two cents worth. Your situation is not equivalent to people entering a marriage. You are already in a marriage. Catholicism was not on the table when you and your spouse married. Demanding that the kids become Catholic now would be changing the terms of the marital covenant.
Christians in the early church had similar situations, where one spouse converted. That person was not required to force conversion of the rest of the family, but to seek to bring Christ into the home.
I am not sure what the RCIA conditions are, but it seems unreasonable to condition your acceptance into the church on the actions of others over whom you do not have control. If the condition is that you will TRY to get the kids to become Catholic, that is different than saying they must be now. You could agree to that, hoping that eventually your wife will come around.
Talk to your priest and pray about it. I will pray for you. :gopray:
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Thank you Mulus Christi! We have been devoted Christians our entire lives (until recently) and devout Southern Baptists ten years ago when married. We never envisioned anything different. She feels betrayed some for me wanting to change our lives and our deepest beliefs about God and living the Christian life.

Thank you very much for your words and I appreciate your prayers. Bless you…

Peace…
 
Hi,
I am currently married to a non-Catholic (United Methodist) am a practicing Catholic with three children (7, 4, and 2 yrs old). I married without dispensation and had the marriage convalidated by the Church about three years ago. I was required to promise to do all I could to raise the children in the Church but my wife was not required to make that pledge. The first two were baptized in her Church but I was able to convince her to have our third child baptized into the Catholic Church.

Our first two children are being educated in the United Methodist Church and the third will be educated at the Catholic Church. But they are not being raised ignorant of Catholic teachings. My two older children go to Mass often, and every time we leave they insist on stopping in the perpetual adoration adoration chapel to say a few prayers (usually counting them on rosary beads)

They already know there are differences in Mommy and Daddy’s Churches and they will be taught as they get older that they need to belong to one or the other.

Also I daily pray for the conversion of my wife and that my children will follow the vocation God calls them to.

We shall see how it goes.

Pleasemake sureyou discuss this with a good priest.

Good Luck and God Bless.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers
 
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CatDad:
Hi,
I am currently married to a non-Catholic (United Methodist) am a practicing Catholic with three children (7, 4, and 2 yrs old). I married without dispensation and had the marriage convalidated by the Church about three years ago. I was required to promise to do all I could to raise the children in the Church but my wife was not required to make that pledge. The first two were baptized in her Church but I was able to convince her to have our third child baptized into the Catholic Church.

Our first two children are being educated in the United Methodist Church and the third will be educated at the Catholic Church. But they are not being raised ignorant of Catholic teachings. My two older children go to Mass often, and every time we leave they insist on stopping in the perpetual adoration adoration chapel to say a few prayers (usually counting them on rosary beads)

They already know there are differences in Mommy and Daddy’s Churches and they will be taught as they get older that they need to belong to one or the other.

Also I daily pray for the conversion of my wife and that my children will follow the vocation God calls them to.

We shall see how it goes.

Pleasemake sureyou discuss this with a good priest.

Good Luck and God Bless.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers
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Thank you very much CatDad for your post. My children are 8, 5 and 3. Of course, they have not been baptized (us being Baptists). My wife doesn’t have a problem - per se, with me teaching them Catholic teachings, but wouldn’t want them baptized in the Church. I’m not forcing the issue right now - just letting her know I’m interested in looking into it again so that I don’t surprise her (again).

She knew I was learning Catholicism but was really surprised when I started speaking of going to classes and converting. It was shock to her system and immediately rebelled - (a usual human response given the circumstances). In the Baptist tradition, central to (our) belief in salvation is that it is wholly of faith, with baptism being an (outward sign of inward grace). Being “dunked” in water and claiming salvation begins there is heretical (yes, I know, sounds funny to hear a Baptist say that).

Thank you for your prayers and sharing your story with me. It helps me deal with emotions much better - I’m kind of a sensitive guy:crying: 😃

Peace friend…
 
You have been given good advice, and I would like to third (or fourth) the recommendation of Rome Sweet Home. You will find a lot in common with this couple. I would also like to add that it is imperative that you “step up the romance”, and reassure her that she is not losing you, but will get a more complete you. Love her and pray for her, and be patient.
 
I am a Baptist married to a Catholic and I thought my story and perspective might be of help (although since our situation is a little different it may be of no help at all. 🙂 )

When we were first married, I was dead set against raising our children in the Catholic church. And since my husband wasn’t a very devout Catholic, at the time, he was fine with that. About a year later, he started studying and practicing his faith very devoutly. At the time, I felt very betrayed, so I can understand, a bit, how your wife feels. When we were married, my husband promised his religion wouldn’t interfere with mine, and our children would be raised in my church. Later, as he grew in his faith, I felt lied to and deceived. When in fact, he was just growing spiritually.

The point of my post is… The more I saw him grow, the more I understood his faith and his love for our Lord. I now find myself defending the Catholic faith to others in certain circumstances (which is odd coming from a hard- core Baptist) And I am very close to allowing our 3 month old son to be baptized. (again, as you well know, a huge step for a Baptist.

I guess, my advice to you is, if you feel the Catholic church is where you need to be, learn it and practice it to the greatest extent possible. Being a “luke-warm” Catholic will do nothing for convincing you wife of its virtues. However, diving in head first and following your new found faith to its fullest, may have a more profound affect than you would think…it did for me. (I still have a ways to go, but I am miles from where I started.) You wife may see your growth and come to a better understanding of the Catholic church, maybe even one day converting herself.

That is just my two cents.

Ryan’s Wife
 
RyanL's Wife:
I am a Baptist married to a Catholic and I thought my story and perspective might be of help (although since our situation is a little different it may be of no help at all. 🙂 )

When we were first married, I was dead set against raising our children in the Catholic church. And since my husband wasn’t a very devout Catholic, at the time, he was fine with that. About a year later, he started studying and practicing his faith very devoutly. At the time, I felt very betrayed, so I can understand, a bit, how your wife feels. When we were married, my husband promised his religion wouldn’t interfere with mine, and our children would be raised in my church. Later, as he grew in his faith, I felt lied to and deceived. When in fact, he was just growing spiritually.

The point of my post is… The more I saw him grow, the more I understood his faith and his love for our Lord. I now find myself defending the Catholic faith to others in certain circumstances (which is odd coming from a hard- core Baptist) And I am very close to allowing our 3 month old son to be baptized. (again, as you well know, a huge step for a Baptist.

I guess, my advice to you is, if you feel the Catholic church is where you need to be, learn it and practice it to the greatest extent possible. Being a “luke-warm” Catholic will do nothing for convincing you wife of its virtues. However, diving in head first and following your new found faith to its fullest, may have a more profound affect than you would think…it did for me. (I still have a ways to go, but I am miles from where I started.) You wife may see your growth and come to a better understanding of the Catholic church, maybe even one day converting herself.

That is just my two cents.

Ryan’s Wife
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Wow! You are a walkin’, talkin’ miracle! I have heard that the sense of betrayal in these situations is common. Kimberly Hahn describes it vividly in Rome Sweet Home. I cannot imagine how painful that must be. You are a brave and beautiful woman. God love, ya!
 
RyanL's Wife:
I am a Baptist married to a Catholic and I thought my story and perspective might be of help (although since our situation is a little different it may be of no help at all. 🙂 )

When we were first married, I was dead set against raising our children in the Catholic church. And since my husband wasn’t a very devout Catholic, at the time, he was fine with that. About a year later, he started studying and practicing his faith very devoutly. At the time, I felt very betrayed, so I can understand, a bit, how your wife feels. When we were married, my husband promised his religion wouldn’t interfere with mine, and our children would be raised in my church. Later, as he grew in his faith, I felt lied to and deceived. When in fact, he was just growing spiritually.

The point of my post is… The more I saw him grow, the more I understood his faith and his love for our Lord. I now find myself defending the Catholic faith to others in certain circumstances (which is odd coming from a hard- core Baptist) And I am very close to allowing our 3 month old son to be baptized. (again, as you well know, a huge step for a Baptist.

I guess, my advice to you is, if you feel the Catholic church is where you need to be, learn it and practice it to the greatest extent possible. Being a “luke-warm” Catholic will do nothing for convincing you wife of its virtues. However, diving in head first and following your new found faith to its fullest, may have a more profound affect than you would think…it did for me. (I still have a ways to go, but I am miles from where I started.) You wife may see your growth and come to a better understanding of the Catholic church, maybe even one day converting herself.

That is just my two cents.

Ryan’s Wife
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Thank you very much “Ryan’'s Wife” for your story. I understand how you felt betrayed by your husband’s spiritual growth. And I believe in taking it slowly at first and giving my wife an opportunity to grow with me. I am trying to grow spiritually and she doesn’t want to grow right now. She’s fine the way she is. So, I’m trying to respect her freedom while reaching my own spiritual boundaries. It’s a tough balancing act 🙂

Thanks again for your thoughts. It helps to see “the other side”.

God bless you and Ryan!!!
 
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ahimsaman72:
I believe in taking it slowly at first and giving my wife an opportunity to grow with me. I am trying to grow spiritually and she doesn’t want to grow right now. She’s fine the way she is. So, I’m trying to respect her freedom while reaching my own spiritual boundaries. It’s a tough balancing act 🙂
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I didn’t mention this in my last post, so I thought I would write once more. Your idea of respecting her freedom is probably the best thing you can do for your wife. My husband and I had quite a few arguements when all this first started. Me and my stubborn self went in the totally opposite direction he was hoping for. I went with him to a fullness of truth conference…we had dinner with some people who told me I would be so much more blessed if I was Catholic and how my marriage would be so much better if it was blessed by the church…let me tell you, that did not go over well at all. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. My husband and I had a huge falling out over that. Then one day, he just backed off. He stopped talking about his faith and the Church and just started practicing it. He would say good-bye as he went to mass and come home as if he had just ran an errand. He started going to mass every single day. I found a rosary in his car. He brought home books about the Catholic church and would strategically leave them on HIS nightstand (not mine) where I would occasionaly pick it up. He just went about his business and never mentioned a word about it to me. Eventually this started to intrigue me a bit, and I wanted him to ask me to go with him to mass. (I was too embarrassed to bring it up.) And wouldn’t you know it, out of the blue, he said “I am going to mass, you can come if you want”. I made up some excuse about being bored, so I might as well come along, and I have been going with him ever since. (It is all very strange to me, I didn’t understand why I wanted to go with him and honestly I still dont.) But his method worked or is working.

Again whether this will work the same for your wife or not, I don’t know. I was again just letting you know what has been working for us.

I hope everything works out for the best,

RyanL’s Wife
 
RyanL's Wife:
I didn’t mention this in my last post, so I thought I would write once more. Your idea of respecting her freedom is probably the best thing you can do for your wife. My husband and I had quite a few arguements when all this first started. Me and my stubborn self went in the totally opposite direction he was hoping for. I went with him to a fullness of truth conference…we had dinner with some people who told me I would be so much more blessed if I was Catholic and how my marriage would be so much better if it was blessed by the church…let me tell you, that did not go over well at all. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. My husband and I had a huge falling out over that. Then one day, he just backed off. He stopped talking about his faith and the Church and just started practicing it. He would say good-bye as he went to mass and come home as if he had just ran an errand. He started going to mass every single day. I found a rosary in his car. He brought home books about the Catholic church and would strategically leave them on HIS nightstand (not mine) where I would occasionaly pick it up. He just went about his business and never mentioned a word about it to me. Eventually this started to intrigue me a bit, and I wanted him to ask me to go with him to mass. (I was too embarrassed to bring it up.) And wouldn’t you know it, out of the blue, he said “I am going to mass, you can come if you want”. I made up some excuse about being bored, so I might as well come along, and I have been going with him ever since. (It is all very strange to me, I didn’t understand why I wanted to go with him and honestly I still dont.) But his method worked or is working.

Again whether this will work the same for your wife or not, I don’t know. I was again just letting you know what has been working for us.

I hope everything works out for the best,

RyanL’s Wife
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Thanks for your post. You’ve really helped me a lot. It confirms what I believe my approach should be. The first time I started talking about it (going to RCIA) and pushed the issue there were huge fights and rebellion to the change.

I started going to mass (a couple of times - to her annoyance). I didn’t feel like the timing was right, so I backed off and decided to fight the battle another day. This time, I’m slowly introducing teachings and ideas and she knows that I’m praying the rosary regularly. As long as I don’t “preach” she is cool with it.

So, I think I see a lot of similarities in our situations and I appreciate you sharing your life experiences with me. You and mercygate have helped me. God bless you and I hope things continue to go well with you and Ryan.

God bless you…
 
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