Catholic/Non-Catholic Marriages

[TranquilFlora]

I’m dating a guy who is an atheist, and we’re starting to get pretty serious. He’s really good for me, and morally we agree on more things than I’ve agreed on with my previous Catholic boyfriends. He has said though that if we had kids I could raise them Catholic, because I’m a convert and I really want a Catholic family. Is a difference of faith too much in a marriage?

 

[Trishie]

Hi, and welcome to CAF!

Regarding your question…as one who’s lived with that…It can be lonely being unable to share your faith with your life-partner. It also can make it difficult for the children especially sons, to take their faith seriously as they grow up if it doesn’t mean anything to their Dad. I pray you can make it work, that God will give you both the necessary graces.

 

[GhostMan]

I would argue that you do not actually morally agree on things nearly as much as you might think. For those who believe in God (Jews, Christians, Muslims) morality flows from God and, thus, is not alterable by circumstance. Those who do not believe in God have morals founded in reason, practice, experience and what they perceive to be good.

When morality comes from God, it is absolute, unchanging and not subject to the whims of man’s desires. All other forms of morality are unable to be tethered to something so firm. They shift as needed to fit a person’s changing life experience.

Life is precious to someone who believes in God because it comes from God. All life, regardless of intellect, physical perfection, circumstance or likely outcome. Is that true of atheists?

I’m not saying a person who does not believe in God cannot be a “good” person, but their morality is completely centered in their own conceptions of right and wrong, which can change over time. There are no absolutes.

This means that the hardest choices that you might ever have to make will be made by people with two different starting points for their concept of morality. Consider it carefully.

 

[sydney28]

As a Catholic who married a non-Catholic Christian, I would say to you DO NOT do it. I thought it would be okay because he agreed we would attend the Catholic church and raise our children Catholic, but when I see couples at mass who are both Catholic and husbands who are actively participating in mass I feel VERY sad that I will never have that.

You may think it isn’t a big deal, but I promise you, it will be. If I could go back in time I never would have married outside my faith.

 

[baylee]

I’m dating a guy who is an atheist, and we’re starting to get pretty serious. He’s really good for me, and morally we agree on more things than I’ve agreed on with my previous Catholic boyfriends. He has said though that if we had kids I could raise them Catholic, because I’m a convert and I really want a Catholic family. Is a difference of faith too much in a marriage?

As a convert myself, I could never have dated an atheist. However, I couldn’t have dated most Catholic men either. I would suggest becoming a member of a Catholic dating website where you might find the kind of Catholic man who would fully agree with you on all the teachings of the Church. I suspect that your atheist friend disagrees on a number of teachings that would make things difficult for the two of you down the road.

 

[masuwerte]

As a Catholic who married a non-Catholic Christian, I would say to you DO NOT do it. I thought it would be okay because he agreed we would attend the Catholic church and raise our children Catholic, but when I see couples at mass who are both Catholic and husbands who are actively participating in mass I feel VERY sad that I will never have that.

You may think it isn’t a big deal, but I promise you, it will be. If I could go back in time I never would have married outside my faith.

As an Episcopalian who married a non-Episcopalian, I would be very disappointed to hear my wife say she wouldn’t marry me again. Do you really miss that participation at mass more than you love your husband or children? If so, do they know how you feel? Maybe he would be more supportive or even convert if he did know. And how do you feel when you see Catholic husbands who aren’t so active?

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I would argue that you do not actually morally agree on things nearly as much as you might think. For those who believe in God (Jews, Christians, Muslims) morality flows from God and, thus, is not alterable by circumstance. Those who do not believe in God have morals founded in reason, practice, experience and what they perceive to be good.

When morality comes from God, it is absolute, unchanging and not subject to the whims of man’s desires. All other forms of morality are unable to be tethered to something so firm. They shift as needed to fit a person’s changing life experience.

Life is precious to someone who believes in God because it comes from God. All life, regardless of intellect, physical perfection, circumstance or likely outcome. Is that true of atheists?

I’m not saying a person who does not believe in God cannot be a “good” person, but their morality is completely centered in their own conceptions of right and wrong, which can change over time. There are no absolutes.

This means that the hardest choices that you might ever have to make will be made by people with two different starting points for their concept of morality. Consider it carefully.

Some of my friendships with atheists/agnostics exploded in my face, after 10-15 years. The more I became serious about my faith, the more they became uncomfortable with me and finally they decided that “something is wrong with me psychologically”. It can be a timebomb, and it’s not pretty when it goes off.

 

[sydney28]

As an Episcopalian who married a non-Episcopalian, I would be very disappointed to hear my wife say she wouldn’t marry me again. Do you really miss that participation at mass more than you love your husband or children? If so, do they know how you feel? Maybe he would be more supportive or even convert if he did know. And how do you feel when you see Catholic husbands who aren’t so active?

I’m sure you would be disappointed to hear that your spouse wouldn’t marry you if they were to go back in time…but I am just being honest. That is truly how I feel.

And to answer your question, if I did it over again I wouldn’t marry a lukewarm “Catholic”. I would marry a man who would hold his place as the spiritual leader of our home - as the men are SUPPOSED to. I would either marry someone who was devoutly Catholic or I wouldn’t marry at all.

 

[EmBee]

Hi & welcome,

I think it’s great that you and your boyfriend have already discussed the differences in your beliefs and how it may affect a future family, but I would warn you to exercise some caution. Thinking of my own current situation (former atheist/Catholic convert, engaged to a cradle-Catholic), I cannot imagine building a life with a non-Catholic, let alone a non-Christian! It seems like it would be voluntarily taking a harder road than is necessary. When things get sticky between my fiance and I, we both turn to the Lord and ask Him to bring us together. It would be awfully lonely asking for help all by myself. Of course, we don’t just involve God in our relationship when things get tough - we pray before each meal together, we talk about our life together and following God’s call, etc. One of the biggest things I’m working thru right now is the idea of giving up my independent spirit and submitting to my future husband once we’re married. The only thing that helps me is the assurance that my fiance’s heart & mind are firmly rooted in the Truth and that he knows in the end he will have to answer to God for the way he leads our family. Knowing that my fiance takes his responsibility so seriously helps me to follow him, and helps me respect him. His religious conviction encourages me daily, and helps us through rough times.

That all beings said - I mentioned that I labeled myself an atheist at one point in my life, so obviously people change. Does he have strong opinions & arguments against the existence of God that he voices to you and/or his friends? Or is he a quiet “I just don’t get the God-thing” atheist (that’s what I was).

This seems like a tough place to be in - on one hand if you stick things out, you may be pleasantly surprise, but on the other hand the longer you stay with him the harder it will be to say goodbye if you decide he’s not right for you … I’m praying for you,

–

 

[masuwerte]

I’m sure you would be disappointed to hear that your spouse wouldn’t marry you if they were to go back in time…but I am just being honest. That is truly how I feel.

And to answer your question, if I did it over again I wouldn’t marry a lukewarm “Catholic”. I would marry a man who would hold his place as the spiritual leader of our home - as the men are SUPPOSED to. I would either marry someone who was devoutly Catholic or I wouldn’t marry at all.

Sounds like you want your husband to be the spiritual leader of the home, as long as he agrees with you.

 

[TranquilFlora]

I guess “morals” wasn’t the right word. For more background, he was raised evangelical, and I was raised evangelical. He turned to atheism/agnosticism(sp?). I converted to Catholicism (after checking out Buddhism) due greatly to studying the Oxford Movement and realizing the importance of tradition and apostolic succesion in preserving dogma. Back to the guy, morally we differ on certain key things. However, there are certain core values that he does agree with. He genuinely cares about the well-being of others. Oddly enough, I have found my previous Catholic boyfriends lacking in this. I have generally considered treating others with kindness and compassion a large part of Christianity. (Maybe I’m just dating the wrong guys.) Also, in all honesty, I am a very independent and driven person who really wants to achieve a solid law career. He supports me. Thank you for your comments. They’ve helped. I think I’m going to give it some time and see how it goes.

 

[ChristinaM]

I guess “morals” wasn’t the right word. For more background, he was raised evangelical, and I was raised evangelical. He turned to atheism/agnosticism(sp?). I converted to Catholicism (after checking out Buddhism) due greatly to studying the Oxford Movement and realizing the importance of tradition and apostolic succesion in preserving dogma. Back to the guy, morally we differ on certain key things. However, there are certain core values that he does agree with. He genuinely cares about the well-being of others. Oddly enough, I have found my previous Catholic boyfriends lacking in this. I have generally considered treating others with kindness and compassion a large part of Christianity. (Maybe I’m just dating the wrong guys.) Also, in all honesty, I am a very independent and driven person who really wants to achieve a solid law career. He supports me. Thank you for your comments. They’ve helped. I think I’m going to give it some time and see how it goes.

Well, you differ on key things, but then you say you agree on key things. Which is it? That’s fine if you want to have a fun dating relationship…however, keep in mind that something that doesn’t bother you when dating can become a BIG deal in marriage, especially when you have children.

If your Catholic boyfriends aren’t treating you right, you’re not dating the right Catholic guys. And I am sure you could find a Catholic guy who supports you in your career as well.

His world view is predicated on the premise that God does not exist. Your world view is based on the premise that there IS a God who loves us and cares for us. To be frank, I can’t see those two world views ever being reconciled.

 

[baylee]

I guess “morals” wasn’t the right word. For more background, he was raised evangelical, and I was raised evangelical. He turned to atheism/agnosticism(sp?). I converted to Catholicism (after checking out Buddhism) due greatly to studying the Oxford Movement and realizing the importance of tradition and apostolic succesion in preserving dogma. Back to the guy, morally we differ on certain key things. However, there are certain core values that he does agree with. He genuinely cares about the well-being of others. Oddly enough, I have found my previous Catholic boyfriends lacking in this. I have generally considered treating others with kindness and compassion a large part of Christianity. (Maybe I’m just dating the wrong guys.) Also, in all honesty, I am a very independent and driven person who really wants to achieve a solid law career. He supports me. Thank you for your comments. They’ve helped. I think I’m going to give it some time and see how it goes.

(1) Why did he turn to atheism from his evangelical roots? This could shed a lot of light on the situation.

(2) Are you hoping that he’ll convert? If so, don’t get serious with someone in the hopes that they will convert. You never go into a relationship hoping to change the other person. It is possible that he will, but don’t go into this realtionship expecting that he will someday.

 

[TranquilFlora]

Just a follow-up. We broke up. He was really awesome, but I had to move cities. I’m now dating a Catholic guy, and I love that we can talk about religion and have the same values. It’s a good thing. He may not be “the one” but it’s deffinitely making me realize that I need to marry a good Catholic boy, because as a convert I really want to learn more about Catholicism and I want to have Catholic kids, raised in the Catholic Church, who have a clear understanding of Catholic doctrine.
~ Flora

 

[kib]

That’s great that you have found a Catholic guy to be with. My girlfriend of 3.5 years is agnostic. It has been very difficult to deal with. I hope you have a long, happy, and faith-filled relationship!

 

[1ke]

Just a follow-up. We broke up. He was really awesome, but I had to move cities. I’m now dating a Catholic guy, and I love that we can talk about religion and have the same values. It’s a good thing. He may not be “the one” but it’s deffinitely making me realize that I need to marry a good Catholic boy, because as a convert I really want to learn more about Catholicism and I want to have Catholic kids, raised in the Catholic Church, who have a clear understanding of Catholic doctrine.
~ Flora

Thanks for updating us here. I am glad that you are on a path that will lead to a Catholic home with shared values and beliefs. It is so important for both Mom and Dad to demonstrate the faith in the home. And, even if there are no children, it is very important to share your inner-most being with your spouse. I don’t know what I would do if my spouse weren’t a devout Catholic man.