Catholic program "Protecting God's Children" and a possible revelation from my daughter

[TheRealJuliane]

I think all here have made wise observations and helpful advice. At this point, considering her personality and behavior, we have decided to wait and watch and listen. I do not want to expose her to scrutiny or interrogations when it is possible that she dreamed or imagined this. Plus, although we know a molester had access, we do not know if he took liberties. She has said she doesn’t remember anything happening in our home, which would exclude that young man. Her behavior has been consistent. She has always been my sensitive, clingy child, a set of traits we have loved about her. The most traumatic thing she told me that happened to her was getting laughed at for audibly passing gas at school. She refers to that event as “THAT day”. Nothing else seemed to be on her radar UNTIL she talked to me two nights ago.
Thank you for your kind help.

I think this is a wise course to take. I know that in the past, children have been influenced into “admitting” things that did not happen, just from the type of questions they were being asked. Especially with a sensitive child, being taken to some kind of professional may set off her radar no matter what you tell her or don’t tell her, and then she would wonder if there is something wrong, or wrong with her, and her imagination might kick into high gear.

If she wasn’t molested at home, and the other scenario you discussed is unlikely, AND you’ve never noticed a change in her behavior that made you wonder, then I would take a deep breath of relief and relax about this as much as possible.

 

[mandajane]

As someone who was molested at that age, here’s my :twocents:.

1. If she was molested, she remembers, though she may be afraid of your reaction to the revelation. Molesters say a lot of insidious things to children, to prevent themselves from being caught. The two most common are variations on “if you say anything I will hurt your family” and variations on “if you say anything no one will believe you”. This could be why she said “I feel like…” and not a definitive statement. If she is worried you wont believe her, she might say such a thing to escape punishment. It’s also a distancing technique. Prefacing statements like that with “I feel like…” “I think…” and “I can’t really remember…” and other phrases puts distance between the survivor and the event.
2. There is a lot of victim-shaming in our society regarding sexual assault, and it can even be picked up by young children. If at the time, or even in the intervening years, she picked up on this, she might be afraid of the condemnation that she believes she’d experience.
3. I am sure at the class at school they stressed what a BIG DEAL this was. It may intimidate her, as she is aware that if she reports what happened, it will be an ISSUE. It is a terrifying proposition for a child.

So, what to do?

1. Relax. Nothing was your fault. Your daughter needs you calm and strong to be strong for her, regardless of if this happened or not.
2. Take her to see a child psychologist. Tell them your concerns privately before they meet your daughter. They can make a more solid determination of what is going on, and see if she shows signs of abuse.
3. Keep communication open with your daughter, so if she does remember something else, has questions, or is afraid, she knows you will talk to her WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. This means setting aside your anger and frustration and letting her guide the conversation, and offer her nothing but love and support while she talks.

 

[mommamaree]

I appreciate the further help offered.

MandaJane, I cannot express how sorry I am about what happened to you when you were a little girl. My sister, who is in her mid-20s is still not able to talk about what happened to her as a little girl.

I am going to refrain from speaking to a child psychologist, for the time being. I am very aware of the concerns you mentioned, having witnessed with horror as my parents bungled the crisis with my sister. However, my sister gave me good reason not to rush to a psychologist for an unsure recollection. She told me her experiences talking with the counselours were WORSE than the original event of molestation which happened once and was interrupted. She said that the counselours asked her things and described things in ways which introduced her to the world of perverted sex and made her feel embarrassed and ashamed.

So, I will wait for a few days or weeks, and see if anything else surfaces in my daughter’s memories. I don’t want her forced to talk about something that might not have happened. Two days ago she also said that she has visions of a bad man shooting me. She has struggled since the age of 2 or so with nightmares and vivid imaginings. She is incredibly creative, too, so I think her imagination is still just too powerful for her little self… It is a strong possibility that is what happened here. I won’t know for sure until she has more time to process and talk when she is ready. She has specifically stated that it was not a babysitter, nor at home, and that she isn’t sure if she dreamed it or not, because she remembers it happening on a playground, but that the memory is so fuzzy, and the location does not make sense to her yet. I just want to be there for her and support her if she realizes it did happen.