Catholic - Protestant marriage Problems

[Juan]

You are right. It sounds like she broke her promise. If you wish to stay married, I would suggest ceasing all discussion of religion. Also, don’t attend with her anymore unless you are considering conversion. By attending, you are (through no fault of your own) giving her false hope that you are going to ditch your own faith for hers.

She will try to engage you on the issue. Don’t engage. Once she realizes that you are “going to do you” and she needs to “do her” where religion is concerned, I suspect things may settle down.

I think you have the right idea about focusing on things you can agree on.

This is what I realized and decided last night - I will no longer attend or accommodate any Catholic speakers/services etc. No more giving her hope.

 

[Juan]

Did you marry in the Catholic Church? It seems odd you didn’t talk about this religious difference and how it would work in marriage, because it is part of Catholic premarital preparation which is required to marry in the Church.

At this point my advice is to talk to her parish pastor— by yourself— explain the situation and ask if he would be willing to counsel the two of you on this topic.

I am sorry she is not being true to her word and was either dishonest with you or herself before your marriage.

Yes, we got married in a Catholic Church by their Priest. We also attended the pre-marriage weekend at a Catholic Church.

I tried to talk and discuss it before we got married, but she shut down the conversation. I think she was worried that we would not get married if the differences were too large/big. Which is precisely what I am now thinking.

I mentioned to her that I want to go see her Priest for council (the same one that married us) - I have noticed that she wont listen to anybody else unless it is a Priest.

 

[Clementine14]

I also emigrated from my country recently to be with her.

You mentioned that you’ve been married for two years, but recently emigrated- does this mean that you have not lived together for most of your marriage?

I think that when she refused to discuss it before you were married, you should have pushed the issue. If you haven’t lived together very long, it’s probably best to each do your own thing and not discuss religion for at least awhile. Unless you have any children together, that is.

 

[Juan]

Juan:

I also emigrated from my country recently to be with her.

You mentioned that you’ve been married for two years, but recently emigrated- does this mean that you have not lived together for most of your marriage?

I think that when she refused to discuss it before you were married, you should have pushed the issue. If you haven’t lived together very long, it’s probably best to each do your own thing and not discuss religion for at least awhile. Unless you have any children together, that is.

We have been travelling between two countries while we waited for my paperwork to be finalized - which added to the stress. We lived apart +/- 50% of our married life at this time. We dont have children.

Now that I said I will no longer attend her church or discuss the topic, I am told I am a childish quitter who
threw in the towel and cant form logical arguments. I really dont know anymore.

 

[TC3033]

As some one who’s in a “mixed” marriage the #1 rule that I’ve always said is; the marriage needs respect. If you don’t/can’t respect each others’ faith background/tradition your marriage is going to struggle; especially if it’s something she brings up often and won’t let go of.

My wife and I have been together nearly 20 years and have very little issues surrounding faith, but we both respect each other (and honestly see eye to eye on most everything). I don’t really have a problem going to her church and she’s totally cool with going to mine.

One thing to think about: What if she starts saying these things about you in front of your kids (once you have them)…?

One of the problems is that as a Catholic, most if not all Protestant services are going to be very (irreverent or disrespectful).

Don’t tell my wife then…she quite likes my church.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Sounds as if you could use a marriage counselor to work on communication. People can have loving relationships and disagree on important things, it is not easy, but it is do-able.

Do you mind saying what branch of Protestantism you practice? Might help us to see where the big differences are and to advise on those things.

This video has aired on both TBN and EWTN (the biggest Protestant Network in the US and the biggest Catholic network in the US). I’d advise you to get a copy of this DVD, book, and watch it together with your wife.

http://ninevehscrossing.com/CommonGround/CGOrder.php

 

[Juan]

Sounds as if you could use a marriage counselor to work on communication. People can have loving relationships and disagree on important things, it is not easy, but it is do-able.

Do you mind saying what branch of Protestantism you practice? Might help us to see where the big differences are and to advise on those things.

This video has aired on both TBN and EWTN (the biggest Protestant Network in the US and the biggest Catholic network in the US). I’d advise you to get a copy of this DVD, book, and watch it together with your wife.

I was raised Anglican but attend a non-denominational evangelical church(s).

I will first make an appointment with her Priest and take it from there.

Thank you to all the comments and advice so far, it is much appreciated.

 

[JulianN]

I have been to many Protestant services – particularly Lutheran and Episcopalian services. I can’t say I’ve noticed any difference in behavior or respect in the presence of the Eucharist. (without derailing into a discussion of real presence and transubstantiation vs. consubstantiation – for this thread, understand that the Lutherans and Episcopalians in question do believe in the real presence.)

 

[Lee1]

Counselling sounds like a good idea.
Unless and until that happens you might try saying “I love you.” When she begins to argue.

Maybe also try halting things when they first start and ask her if you could say a little prayer on the subject you’re arguing about together, perhaps just in your own words and to Jesus. Apart from anything else that should cool things down a little.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Those would be considered “High Church” Protestants.

A non-denominational service is nothing like Lutheran or Episcopalian Liturgy.

Non-Denominational will begin with a song, then there will be a few words of welcome.

Next comes the song service (anything from traditional hymns to “Praise and Worship” with a band and lots of hands raised in the air, swaying people, closed eyes).

This usually leads to a prayer time. There may be tithes and offerings received at this point. There may be a time of public testimony at this point where people stand and give prayer requests and also praise reports.

Next is the sermon. This will be much longer than a Catholic homily, anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour long.

After that is an “altar call” where people can come forward to become Christian, to rededicate their life to Christ, etc.

If the offering was not collected earlier, it is collected at the end.

No procession, no formal prayers, very few will have their version of “The Lord’s Supper” every week.

 

[1ke]

catholics in general would probably find Protestant services irreverent or disrespectful (compared to mass).

I don’t think you can speak for Catholics in general, and I don’t know any Catholics who think this.

 

[1ke]

she shut down the conversation

This really should have been a red flag to you.

I think she was worried that we would not get married if the differences were too large/big.

And it would have been better to know that before you got married.

I mentioned to her that I want to go see her Priest for council (the same one that married us) - I have noticed that she wont listen to anybody else unless it is a Priest.

Go talk to him yourself first. Then ask if he would do joint counseling.

 

[Lee1]

There is something else @Juan, you’re wife is testing you, by which I mean she is actually a great asset. You’ve said she won’t give up, she is therefore dedicated to your spiritual improvement. This is a gift, who else would put this amount of effort in to your improvement?

Hasn’t every trial you’ve had led to some spiritual gain?

 

[JulianN]

I know – I’ve been to a bunch of those too!

But I was responding to the notion that no Protestant displays reverence or has any notion of the concept of real presence.

Even the non-denominational services seem to be marked by genuine faith and love for the Lord.
I guess I think that in a world where so many people are falling away from Christianity in general, it’s not helpful for us to suggest that other Christians are somehow less reverent or respectful than we are.

 

[Juan]

There is something else @Juan, you’re wife is testing you, by which I mean she is actually a great asset. You’ve said she won’t give up, she is therefore dedicated to your spiritual improvement. This is a gift, who else would put this amount of effort in to your improvement?

Hasn’t every trial you’ve had led to some spiritual gain?

I agree, it is just the way in which she does it that puts me off completely. I will most likely stay a non-Catholic for the rest of my life, yet I am prepared to discuss matters, but not when I get no acceptance or understanding.

I get the feeling she is aiming the issues/hurt regarding her sister’s aggressive departure from the Catholic Church at me - I am the target to which her anger/frustration/hurt is aimed.

 

[Lee1]

I get the feeling she is aiming the issues/hurt regarding her sister’s aggressive departure from the Catholic Church at me - I am the target to which her anger/frustration/hurt is aimed.

If you think it’s unconciously about her sister then you must also think that it’s not personal. Jesus taught us to forgive endlessly.

What would happen if you told her you love her, listen to her point, gently say that you haven’t changed your mind and change the subject? God hears this, He knows your plight, pray for peace and tranquility in your relationship and let it go. You can learn great humility from this, I know that’s not easy but you can’t fight a fog with a sword. And neither can she.

 

[lilypadrees]

While Catholics are to encourage our non-Catholic spouses and family members to convert, we are not to disrespect the other’s beliefs or chosen place of worship even in disagreement.

It sounds like your wife crossed the line and continues to do so. Be patient and tolerant. Pray for her and continue to show her love and understanding.

Do you pray together each day? Or would that cause conflict between you?

Please don’t judge all Catholics on the basis of your wife’s actions.

And remember, Catholic-Protestant marriages can and do work. It takes love, patience, faith and a good sense of humor. And of course, a willingness to work things out when the going gets tough.

Since you have been to each other’s churches and it seems to bring the worst out in your wife, perhaps going to your own churches is the answer.

And if your wife nags you to convert and join the Catholic Church, remind her that she can pray for you. But whether you convert or not is between you and the Holy Spirit. You cannot convert for her or anyone else. And she needs to respect your wishes in the matter.

God bless you, Juan. You and your wife are in my prayers.

 

[heidi_storage]

Nagging and dismissing her husband’s faith is helping him spiritually? I think not. Let’s pretend husband was overweight and his wife was nagging him about getting thinner. This would be a poor strategy, and husband would be unlikely to lose weight as a result; the only result would be to damage the marriage, as has happened here.

 

[Lee1]

As far as I can tell it wasn’t helping him spiritually but I’m asking him to reframe this tribulation to gain from it instead of suffering. If you are concerned with spiritual growth and development then the trials of life can be used in a positive way.

The main point here is to refuse to argue, when two people have entrenched views arguing is simply destructive and pointless. At least one person must not engage but simply and calmly state that they disagree and move on.

I disagree and I’m moving on

 

[heidi_storage]

Thanks for clarifying; your post sounded more like “aren’t you lucky she cares so much about improving your spiritual life.” We can indeed grow from trials, but I hope that she’ll become less of a trial and more of a comfort to her husband.