Catholic restrictions on finding a partner?

[AustralianGuy]

What are the restrictions on finding a partner in the Catholic faith? I personally haven’t got a partner just yet and am a little worried that when I do find someone they won’t share my beliefs.

What should I do if I do meet someone amazing who isn’t Catholic? What if they are of a different Christian faith? Or if they are Catholic but not really a practising Catholic?

One situation which comes to mind is the whole sex before marriage issue. Can a Catholic find a partner who has already had sex? From what I remember in the bible, sex is a joining of the two people, so wouldn’t finding a partner who has already had sex be like finding a partner who is already married? Would it be okay for a Catholic to go out with someone who isn’t a virgin? Wouldn’t marrying this person be wrong as they have had sex in another relationship, even though they were not married at the time?

I just find the issue a bit confusing. I mean, I’d love to just find a girl who is Catholic and shares my beliefs exactly but what happens if they don’t and if they’ve already done things like sex before marriage? Is it still okay to get into a relationship with this person?

 

[Magickman]

Securing a wonderful Catholic partner would be the ideal for a mate-seeking single Catholic, to achieve sacramental marriage and domestic harmony.

Sadly, though, the ideal will not be universally possible.

For some, then, arises the need to sort priorities, and to determine how far from the ideal they might deviate.

Because the human need for intimate partnership is so strong, some Catholics will have to look outside the normal parameters, to secure a partner.

This is not considered the best path, but the Church makes allowances, and has established methods, for those who are unable to achieve the ideal.

 

[Newbie2]

Well, first off the partner needs to be of the opposite sex.

Sorry, I know you’re asking a serious question…

If all sex were marital and ideal, as Magickman suggests, there would be no issue here. Sex outside of marriage is sinful behavior, not any more or less so than any other sin, except it usually has two willing participants and two “victims”.

You brought up two good issues; faith and chastity.

Sharing faith values is critical, and I say this after 25 years of marriage. I’ve seen marriages fall apart, for various reasons, but far fewer where the couple shares a genuine, strong faith.

Chastity, while sadly as M-man says, is more of an ideal nowadays. But while it’s still desirable (on both the parts of the men and women), it’s not a requirement, nor is sharing the same faith.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with keeping the ideal, just as long as you don’t use it to disqualify someone who’s really wonderful and faithful.

 

[chevalier]

If most Catholics were to exclude non-virgins, I suppose few would be married. It does matter, but people do change. It would not be good to hold them to their past if they are trying to live a different life now. On the other hand, if the person is not making any change but simply abstaining from sex for your sake until you marry, well, that’s a difficult question. The effort is very powerful and meaningful of someone who does not believe it to be necessary. At this moment I think with great respect of a former love interest of mine who did that, although we are not together any more. I suppose the general attitude towards “such things” matters. If the person recognises the Catholic ideal as honourable and something perhaps to aspire to, then that is a good sign. If not, well, much depends on other things. At any rate, it would obviously be hard with someone who thinks we are repressed and ridiculous in our prudery. Or with someone who attempts to tempt us.

All in all, it’s not “bad” to be with and look at marriage with someone who does not fulfil the criteria you listed, but it might be a bad idea. Myself, I try to stick to the essentials and even more - to find someone who actually accepts the whole thing and believes the same I do. I try not to be unreasonably dismissive in exceptional cases, though, should any arise.

How hard is it? What’s specifically bothering you? Many hot girls who are completely secular and will laugh if you even try to talk about faith? Give them a wide berth. Wait for better.

 

[LukeFive]

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with keeping the ideal, just as long as you don’t use it to disqualify someone who’s really wonderful and faithful.

I do not want to hijack the thread and get off topic here, but I am struggling with this very thing right now. I have been sort of going out with a young lady (25, about my age) for about two months now. We go to Mass and Bible study together, we pray the rosary together at least once a week, our values, beliefs, and interests are so similar that it is almost scary. I communicate better and more freely with her than anyone that I have ever been close to before. She dresses modestly and behaves like a lady which makes it easy to be a gentleman. Then about a week ago, she informed me that she had a past transgression in a previous relationship and made some mistakes. I have never seen anyone more remorseful or repentant over something from their past. She is one of the most devout women I have ever met anywhere near my age. I will not lie and say this has not been a struggle for me. I really appreciate her being honest with me, but it is very hard for a lot of reasons and I still haven’t figured out exactly where I stand on it. If I had know before I got to know her, it would have been an instant deal breaker, now part of me says that I would be doing exactly what I quoted from Newbi2 if I were to make it a deal breaker at this point. Obviously there are things that would need to be addressed, but I am working hard to be open minded.

To the OP, I looked at your profile and saw that you are 19. I know that when I was 19 I was nowhere near ready for a serious relationship or to settle down. You do a lot of growing and learning about yourself over the next couple of years. That is not to say that you can not find someone at your age. I can say about a partner with a different religion, I have experience there too. I went out with a protestant and that was the issue that was the main reason we did not get married. That type of relationship can get really complicated very fast.

Are both of the things you mentioned ok within the Church? Within guidelines yes. But as others have said, they are not ideal and would be better to avoid. They can both complicate life so much. As I said, I am still not sure what to do about my current situation.

 

[Sierrah]

Finding someone even who’s conservative Catholic and not of the cafeteria variety is the hard part. I would stick to you guns and hold true to your faith and values. As long as values match your halfway there.

 

[AustralianGuy]

This is not considered the best path, but the Church makes allowances, and has established methods, for those who are unable to achieve the ideal.

But isn’t it best to have the ideal? Surely settling for less than the ideal would be seen as wrong? Isn’t that like settling for less than moral just because the moral option isn’t available easily? Or am I seeing things in the wrong way?

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with keeping the ideal, just as long as you don’t use it to disqualify someone who’s really wonderful and faithful.

I agree with what you’ve said, I just worry that the fact they’ve already been joined to someone else could cause it to be a sin and wrong, despite the fact they are a good person now? The idea I got from the bible was that having sex was similar to marriage, so I get the idea that entering into a relationship with someone who has already had sex would be similar to one where someone is already married? Unless I’m not really understanding everything right?

If most Catholics were to exclude non-virgins, I suppose few would be married. It does matter, but people do change. It would not be good to hold them to their past if they are trying to live a different life now.

I personally would be happy to forgive them and wouldn’t hold them to their past (though I would feel a bit awkward about it at first), I’m more so thinking that whilst I might end up okay about it, it might still be sinning and wrong?

How hard is it? What’s specifically bothering you? Many hot girls who are completely secular and will laugh if you even try to talk about faith? Give them a wide berth. Wait for better.

At the moment for me, it’s not so hard. I don’t exactly have girls lining up to go out with me. My main concern is that if one day it did happen, I wouldn’t know if having a relationship with them was okay or not with God. Whether he sees a girl who has already had sex as taken and joined to the man she first had sex with?

If I met a girl who didn’t have faith in God at all, the issue would be even more difficult! For now, i’m mostly thinking about Christians (both Catholic and non-Catholic) who haven’t really kept the whole sex before marriage thing. People without faith at all would be even harder to have a relationship with wouldn’t they? If you didn’t share their beliefs at all?

I do not want to hijack the thread and get off topic here

No that’s okay, it sounds like you’re having the issue which I’m worried will one day happen to me?

To the OP, I looked at your profile and saw that you are 19. I know that when I was 19 I was nowhere near ready for a serious relationship or to settle down. You do a lot of growing and learning about yourself over the next couple of years. That is not to say that you can not find someone at your age.

Yeah, i’m sure I’ve got a lot more growing up to do and lessons to be learnt but I do feel like I’m ready for a relationship. I don’t mean rushing into one but I think I’d be ready for one if it came along. At the very least, a few relationships to prepare me for the big serious one would be good, though I also think I’d prefer to find one girl and be with her than to have lots of relationships before finding the right one?

Are both of the things you mentioned ok within the Church? Within guidelines yes. But as others have said, they are not ideal and would be better to avoid. They can both complicate life so much. As I said, I am still not sure what to do about my current situation.

So technically if they are better to avoid, I should avoid them… but it’s hard to avoid if the situation comes upon you as it has in your situation. I mean, that’s the type of thing I’m concerned with. Meeting someone and really really liking them but finding out they they’ve done certain things in the past like sex before marriage which might make the relationship wrong? I’m not even sure if it technically makes it wrong but from what I understand it does?

Finding someone even who’s conservative Catholic and not of the cafeteria variety is the hard part. I would stick to you guns and hold true to your faith and values. As long as values match your halfway there.

It does seem like it’s going to be hard. I mean finding someone at all is difficult, so finding someone who meets all these criteria is going to be so much harder still… Though surely in the end, finding someone with the same beliefs as me is more likely to mean a long lasting and meaningful relationship right?

Man… religion is confusing sometimes, let alone relationships!

 

[lovemysix]

Having sex with somebody does NOT mean you are married to them, even in some sort of mystical/spiritual sense. Marriage is a sacrament, and sex is intended to be used within that sacrament, but the mere act of having sex is not the sacrament itself. In past societies, there may have been an understanding that if two people had sex, it signified something contractually between them…but that is DIFFERENT from sacramental marriage.

Holy Cow, given our society, if everyone had to be married to the first person they had sex with, it would be pretty scary

You certainly would not be in the wrong if you limit your partner-search to women who are virgins. However, nowadays you will be severely limiting your options! Like it or not, that’s just the way it is. And you may very well pass over some wonderful Christian, loving women who you could have had a great relationship with.

The long and the short of it is that having lost your virginity before marriage is NOT an impediment to being happily married later on any more than being a virgin is a guarantee of being happily married. I know people who weren’t virgins who are in great marriages and people who WERE who are miserable in the matrimonial state. Marriage—and other relationships----are a whole lot more involved and complicated than that.

I do think striving for ideals is noble, and I think it’s great that you are trying to sort these things out before getting involved with somebody. But ideals are just that----we are all fallen humans, and real life can be messy

God bless,
Lauren

 

[LukeFive]

No that’s okay, it sounds like you’re having the issue which I’m worried will one day happen to me?

Yes that is exactly the issue I am having.

Yeah, i’m sure I’ve got a lot more growing up to do and lessons to be learnt but I do feel like I’m ready for a relationship. I don’t mean rushing into one but I think I’d be ready for one if it came along. At the very least, a few relationships to prepare me for the big serious one would be good, though I also think I’d prefer to find one girl and be with her than to have lots of relationships before finding the right one?

I am not trying to discourage you, but I just want to caution you to take things slow, you will do a lot of growing over the next couple of years and learn a lot about what it is that is important to you. It was through a failed relationship that I learned what was important to me in a spouse. But now I am in a situation where if I had known about it going in to it, I probably would have avoided it. Once again, I am learning through experience. There are some things that you really do not know how you will respond to until you are faced with them. If you find a good Catholic woman that has a history, she will not be wearing a bright orange shirt that says “I am not a virgin” on it. You probably will not know until you start to get close and she tell you. Then what?

So technically if they are better to avoid, I should avoid them… but it’s hard to avoid if the situation comes upon you as it has in your situation. I mean, that’s the type of thing I’m concerned with. Meeting someone and really really liking them but finding out they they’ve done certain things in the past like sex before marriage which might make the relationship wrong? I’m not even sure if it technically makes it wrong but from what I understand it does?

I never said that the relationship would be wrong. As others have pointed out, it would not be wrong. There are several major issues to deal with here. One is the health aspect of it, in my case, that has checked out and is fine. Next is the moral/values aspect. We have established that the relationship itself is not intrinsically “wrong”, and she has repented, been to reconciliation, and is a totally different person now (as in my case), is it right to hold this part against her? Next is the part that I am having the biggest problem with. That is my ego, various insecurities, and concerns about how this could affect our relationship down the road. I said that it is not ideal and I still stand by that. I would totally understand avoiding it if you knew about it before hand. But… after you are in the situation, it is not that easy and would say it needs to be taken on a case by case basis and taken slow.

It does seem like it’s going to be hard. I mean finding someone at all is difficult, so finding someone who meets all these criteria is going to be so much harder still… Though surely in the end, finding someone with the same beliefs as me is more likely to mean a long lasting and meaningful relationship right?

You have no idea how hard it can be. Especially as you get older. It is pretty much impossible to find someone in their mid 20’s that does not have some kind of baggage of one type or another. Remember, just because they have made mistakes in the past, does not mean that they do not have the same beliefs as you. In closing, I will give you a couple of links from the Pure Love Club that deal with this.

chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=72
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=85

 

[chevalier]

At the moment for me, it’s not so hard. I don’t exactly have girls lining up to go out with me. My main concern is that if one day it did happen, I wouldn’t know if having a relationship with them was okay or not with God. Whether he sees a girl who has already had sex as taken and joined to the man she first had sex with?

Marriage is a sacrament, sex is not. Sex connects people and therefore (among other reasons) should not be had before marriage, but that doesn’t mean one’s stuck to the person one’s had sex with.

If I met a girl who didn’t have faith in God at all, the issue would be even more difficult! For now, i’m mostly thinking about Christians (both Catholic and non-Catholic) who haven’t really kept the whole sex before marriage thing. People without faith at all would be even harder to have a relationship with wouldn’t they? If you didn’t share their beliefs at all?

There are two facts: 1) grace trumps everything, 2) even Catholics sometimes mismatch, not only a Catholic and a non-Catholic. If we say that with grace, we can overcome everything, that includes not only differences with a Catholic spouse but also with a non-Catholic one. Obviously, between two Catholics who seriously take their vows and have no wish to depart them, it should that much easier. But this doesn’t mean that a happy marriage with someone of a different faith is not possible. However, such marriages are discouraged.

I don’t know what advice I can give you, but my own choice is to limit myself to Catholics and serious Catholics only, just without conclusively crossing out anyone who isn’t a Catholic if she’s otherwise a great person. But I do a lot of skipping, really. If I can see something before I get emotionally involved, it’s better for me to draw my conclusions before I lose my head. So if I can’t see myself with that woman, I don’t make moves on her, or try at least try my best not to.

 

[AustralianGuy]

Having sex with somebody does NOT mean you are married to them, even in some sort of mystical/spiritual sense. Marriage is a sacrament, and sex is intended to be used within that sacrament, but the mere act of having sex is not the sacrament itself. In past societies, there may have been an understanding that if two people had sex, it signified something contractually between them…but that is DIFFERENT from sacramental marriage.

Yeah, I didn’t mean in a contractual sense, just in a sort of moral and spiritual sense, but I see what you mean, I’m guessing I’ve misunderstood what I’ve read somewhere. Not to mention the grace and forgiveness of God is able to overcome the mistakes of the past right?

Holy Cow, given our society, if everyone had to be married to the first person they had sex with, it would be pretty scary

Yeah, but technically that’s only because society these days isn’t really influenced by the best ways to live

You certainly would not be in the wrong if you limit your partner-search to women who are virgins. However, nowadays you will be severely limiting your options! Like it or not, that’s just the way it is. And you may very well pass over some wonderful Christian, loving women who you could have had a great relationship with.

Yeah, I agree, missing out on those women would be a mistake. Not everyone whose had sex in the past are necessarily a bad person

I do think striving for ideals is noble, and I think it’s great that you are trying to sort these things out before getting involved with somebody. But ideals are just that----we are all fallen humans, and real life can be messy

Yeah I see what you mean! Thanks for the advice.

 

[AustralianGuy]

I am not trying to discourage you, but I just want to caution you to take things slow, you will do a lot of growing over the next couple of years and learn a lot about what it is that is important to you. It was through a failed relationship that I learned what was important to me in a spouse. But now I am in a situation where if I had known about it going in to it, I probably would have avoided it. Once again, I am learning through experience. There are some things that you really do not know how you will respond to until you are faced with them.

Yeah, you are right, I’ll definitely take things slow because I don’t have any experience in the area of relationships anyway. Going too fast will mean things will get complicated way too early. Best to learn slowly and get into the swing of things gradually right? I know what you mean by not knowing how you’ll respond to things until you are faced with them, I’ve had that experience quite often these days, reacting differently to things than I’d previously expected. It’s all part of the interesting learning we go through as we get more mature

I never said that the relationship would be wrong. As others have pointed out, it would not be wrong.

Yeah I think that was mainly my misunderstanding of it all in general…

We have established that the relationship itself is not intrinsically “wrong”, and she has repented, been to reconciliation, and is a totally different person now (as in my case), is it right to hold this part against her?

Yeah, definitely not. In your case it sounds like you’ve got a great partner and shouldn’t really be too worried! From what I’ve been told in this post, there’s nothing wrong and you shouldn’t let what she’s done in the past change how your relationship in the future will pan out

Next is the part that I am having the biggest problem with. That is my ego, various insecurities, and concerns about how this could affect our relationship down the road.

Yeah, by that you just mean how it might not feel right or it might somehow still affect the way you think later on down the track? Or have I misunderstood?

You have no idea how hard it can be. Especially as you get older. It is pretty much impossible to find someone in their mid 20’s that does not have some kind of baggage of one type or another. Remember, just because they have made mistakes in the past, does not mean that they do not have the same beliefs as you.

Yeah, I’m getting the feeling of it being hard already, so I’m sure in future it will only get worse! I agree, mistakes in the past doesn’t mean their beliefs will be any different to mine.

In closing, I will give you a couple of links from the Pure Love Club that deal with this.

chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=72
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=85

Thanks for the links, they were pretty helpful in getting a perspective on it all.

So what do you think you’ll plan on doing about your relationship? Have the posts so far helped in your issue? Or are you still a bit unsure?

 

[AustralianGuy]

There are two facts: 1) grace trumps everything, 2) even Catholics sometimes mismatch, not only a Catholic and a non-Catholic.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I’m getting the general idea of it all now. It’s good to see that in the future I’m not going to have to worry too much about this to the extent I’ve thought I might.

I don’t know what advice I can give you, but my own choice is to limit myself to Catholics and serious Catholics only, just without conclusively crossing out anyone who isn’t a Catholic if she’s otherwise a great person. But I do a lot of skipping, really. If I can see something before I get emotionally involved, it’s better for me to draw my conclusions before I lose my head. So if I can’t see myself with that woman, I don’t make moves on her, or try at least try my best not to.

Yeah, I think I’d prefer to stick to a catholic partner but I wouldn’t disregard any great girls who aren’t catholic just because of their beliefs.

 

[LukeFive]

Yeah, by that you just mean how it might not feel right or it might somehow still affect the way you think later on down the track? Or have I misunderstood?

That may be part of it. Part of it is being afraid of being compared. That is why I said insecurities and to a certain degree ego. There are a few other questions I still have. It is the opposite of what I had always dreamed of. It is just a hard thing to accept at least for me.

Thanks for the links, they were pretty helpful in getting a perspective on it all.

You are welcome. They helped me.

So what do you think you’ll plan on doing about your relationship? Have the posts so far helped in your issue? Or are you still a bit unsure?

The posts in this thread really have not addressed my concerns. They have mostly dealt with the morality of the issue. I have already put that part of it to rest in my mind and gotten the answers I needed about that. Where I am still having problems is more the emotional area. It is just difficult for me to accept. I am still praying about it and waiting for my spiritual advisor to get back to me. I sent him an email this weekend. Unfortunately, I moved recently and do not have any local priests that I have developed a relationship with yet. It is too early to tell how the chips will fall.