Catholic Scripture Humor

[James224]

Hello Everyone,

On the lighter side, I was wondering if anyone had any funny jokes to do with Scripture? About 10 years ago, I was in an apologetics apostolate and one time, after one of our meetings, a few of us guys were sitting down and telling jokes. One of them told a joke that I thought was funny. The other one was told by Patrick Madrid. Please don’t take them as mocking the Faith because that’s the last thing I would want to do but I’ll risk it to tell these and hope you have some. These have to do with proper biblical exegesis:

A guy goes up to his priest and says, " Father, I didn’t know Paul’s daddy was one of the thieves that was crucified!" The priest said, " Where do you see this?" The guy said, "Right here in Romans 6:6 in my Douay-Rheims Bible. Paul says, ‘Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him…’ "

A guy goes up to his priest and says, “Father, I didn’t know there were motorcycles in the Old Testament!” The priest said, “Where did you get that?” The guy says, " Right here in Josua 6:27 where it says, 'The noise of Joshua’s triumph was heard around the land." (this is a variation of what the verse actually says. Patrick Madrid told this one)

 

[James224]

Here’s another one:

A guy goes up to his priest and says, “Father, I didn’t know they had cars in the New Testament?” The priest says, “Where did you get this?” The guy says right here in Acts 5:12 where it says the Apostles were in one accord!" (They must have made bigger cars back then)

 

[edward_george]

Here’s another one:

A guy goes up to his priest and says, “Father, I didn’t know they had cars in the New Testament?” The priest says, “Where did you get this?” The guy says right here in Acts 5:12 where it says the Apostles were in one accord!" (They must have made bigger cars back then)

And we must not forget about Mary’s Fiat.

 

[karoleck]

And we must not forget about Mary’s Fiat.

I cannot remember where it was,but did not the chosen people cross in a Ford?
An Irish guy once read the passage of where David killed Goliath and out loud he read out that David took a stone from his pooch and then struck the giant phili-stine–was his pooch playing fetch or the pooch stole the stone from Davids’ pouch?

David also was a womanizer as you know,and in the palms he wrote that–
In the morning—Joy,comes before Dawn!!

 

[Cominghome89]

So a burglar breaks into the house of an older woman late one night, assuming that she is asleep and that this will be an easy job. As he is disconnecting the stereo speakers, he hears the voice of a woman. In a loud, confident voice, she exclaims: “Acts 2:38: Repent and be baptized, 7 every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the holy Spirit.” When she had said this, the burglar, without turning around, simply stopped disconnecting the speakers and sat down. As she called the police, the man did not move, but sat and waited. When the police officer arrived, he was extremely curious. As he hand-cuffed the burglar, he asked him: “I have to ask, why didn’t you just run away? All that the woman did was yell a Bible verse at you!” The burglar looked absolutely stunned. After a minute, he was able to say: “A Bible verse?!? I thought she said she had an axe and two .38s!!”

 

[James224]

So a burglar breaks into the house of an older woman late one night, assuming that she is asleep and that this will be an easy job. As he is disconnecting the stereo speakers, he hears the voice of a woman. In a loud, confident voice, she exclaims: “Acts 2:38: Repent and be baptized, 7 every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the holy Spirit.” When she had said this, the burglar, without turning around, simply stopped disconnecting the speakers and sat down. As she called the police, the man did not move, but sat and waited. When the police officer arrived, he was extremely curious. As he hand-cuffed the burglar, he asked him: “I have to ask, why didn’t you just run away? All that the woman did was yell a Bible verse at you!” The burglar looked absolutely stunned. After a minute, he was able to say: “A Bible verse?!? I thought she said she had an axe and two .38s!!”

I love it!!!

 

[Crumpy]

Well, the setup for this bit of humor has to do with the fact that we’re in a Polish American community, where the last name of Mika is familiar. “Mika” is pronounced “meekah.”

The sincere lay reader went to the ambo to read the selection from the Old Testament, which was from the book of Micah. Instead of saying Micah in the usual way, he pronounced it as if it were the Polish Mika.

I know, maybe I was the only one who thought this was funny.

 

[NoelFitz]

A child drew a picture of the flight to Egypt of the Holy Family in a plane and the teacher asked who is in the cock-pit. “Pontius the Pilot” was the answer. There was an insect with the Holy Family. “Why?” asked the teacher. “Because they were told “Get up, take the child and his mother and flea to Egypt.”"

Sorry it is a bit corny, but that is what I heard when I was about 10.

 

[NoelFitz]

This is true and shows how far Paul travel(l)ed. In our parish a number of people read from Paul’s letter to the Philippines

 

[karoleck]

This is true and shows how far Paul travel(l)ed. In our parish a number of people read from Paul’s letter to the Philippines

Between Micah and the philippines just proves that you can have unprepared lay ministers doing the readings or you can have The Word of God!! In one way these funny gaffes actually wake us up from our day dreams and we even take notice of what is being read in the scriptures–just in case another blunder comes up!!

 

[ryanoneil]

Behold, I tell you a mystery. We shall not all fall asleep, but we will all be changed (1 Cor 15:51)

Some would say this passage describes the secret rapture, but church nursery workers claim that this passage describes their experiences with babies every Sunday.

 

[Cominghome89]

Behold, I tell you a mystery. We shall not all fall asleep, but we will all be changed (1 Cor 15:51)

Some would say this passage describes the secret rapture, but church nursery workers claim that this passage describes their experiences with babies every Sunday.

Haha, excellent!

 

[didymus]

And we must not forget about Mary’s Fiat.

Which is why they had to ride a donkey to Bethlehem – Fix It Again Tony!!