Catholic Teacher, Terrible Situation

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EducatorP

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Hi everyone,

I’m not sure if this is the right forum - it has to do with kids but please feel free to relocate it if I’ve chosen incorrectly.

I have a terrible dilemma and my heart is broken over it. I really need some guidance and unfortunately I can’t seek out too much support in person.

Let me begin by saying that I am a 44-year-old gay man. I have been single my entire life and I live alone. I have been a professional education for 19 years. The first three years I worked in a public school, and for the past 16 I have worked at the Catholic elementary school that I attended with my siblings in the 1970s. I teach Jr. high mathematics and social studies. My students are 6th-8th graders.

I was raised as one of five kids in a very devout family. I am still a devout and practicing Catholic, which of course means that despite the fact that I am a gay man, I live a chaste life. I came to terms with this MANY years ago and am perfectly happy in my vocation, living without a romantic partner, but being very involved with my extended family (I am the uncle the spoils all the nieces and nephews), and a very dedicated educator. I am a eucharistic extraordinary minister and lector at my parish. I attend mass every Sunday, and often get to daily mass before work.

I have never, ever, been attracted sexually to anyone outside of my own age bracket. I have never had a same-sex relationship, and I do not support any gay causes that go against Church teaching. Overall I am a very normal guy who has a job and a cat, an extended family, a gym membership, friends, a rich faith life - there is nothing about me that is weird or unsettling except for possibly the fact that I’ve never been married.

So, now that that is out of the way - I have never been openly gay. I am simply single. Now, I am sure people have wondered about me over the years, and I know that rumors have gone 'round about Mr. ___ being gay, but mostly these have been minimal and have not impacted my job or life in any way. However, this year has been different.

I have a student in 7th grade whose mother has taken up the cause of not only “outing” me, but getting me fired. I am devastated.

It first started when her son, a 7th grader, misbehaved in my class on several occasions and was put on academic suspension. He was unable to participate in three basketball games for the school team, which infuriated his mother and father. His mom went to our principal and apparently accused me of being “obviously a homosexual” and unfit to teach. She said she was very worried that I would molest one of the boys, which broke my heart because there is nothing I find more repulsive than child abuse. My principal supported me, saying that he does not know anything about my personal life but that he had no reason to suspect that I was a criminal or leading an immoral lifestyle.

Of course, my principal confronted me and although he did not ask me outright, I did confide to him that I was a gay man living a chaste life. This mother, in the meantime, emailed all the other 7th-grade parents and said that she was very worried about the school’s hiring criteria and why they would allow a “almost certain homosexual” to be teaching at a Catholic school. She attached some studies that “proved” that gay men are more likely to be pedophiles than straight, and got a few other parents riled up. One parent forwarded me the email that was sent. Since that time, I have been embroiled in a very humiliating and uncomfortable back and forth between this mother, the students, etc. I have found kids’ notes and such calling me a “fag” and a “homo” and I know that this mom is willing to take this all the way to the cardinal.

Other parents, though, have supported me, and avoided the gossip. I have never confirmed or denied that I was gay, and when approached by anyone I simply state that my private life is private, and that I have nothing to hide. The mom who started this all has threatened to pull her kids from our school if the “predator” is not removed. I realize she has a right to advocate for her child, but I am not a predator and I am very hurt by the accusation.

Now I am at a crossroads - I could move on to another school in another town and hope this doesn’t follow me, or I could wait it out at this school while being persecuted. After 16 years I’m not sure what to do. Any advice? Part of me wants to just announce “Yes, I’m gay, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I live a single person’s vocation, so lay off.” The other part of me is so disgusted with the gossip and intolerance that I just want to leave. Would you be upset if you found out one of your child’s teachers was a chaste gay person?
 
The first thing I would do is contact an attorney, not only to protect you should you be fired, but to help you navigate a possible legal case against this nutjob. Telling people that you are a sexual predator is slander, and because she has no reason to think that you are gay and you have never been in a relationship with a man telling people that you are a homosexual could also be slander.

Speak to an attorney to protect yourself first and then decide about whether or not to switch jobs.
 
I don’t see why a “chaste, single” person would have any problem staying that way. I think you are probably showing an example that a single person can stay that way and not sin. In our times this is important. That the mother could go after you like this shows the “witch hunt” mentality that exists in our culture. She should be mad at her child for misbehaving. But she apparently thinks that her “darling angle” couldn’t possibly do anything wrong, so it must be your fault.

I drove a school bus for two years, and came across this same attitude. Let a student, a high school student at that, act up on the bus, and good ole’ mommy and daddy will start screaming harrassment if the driver tries to write them up, or otherwise report it. This world is a mess. 🤷
 
I just want to say I’ll be praying for you. It takes a lot of dedication to stay chaste for any person, especially in this day and age, so take comfort in the fact you are doing the right thing before God.

As for the situation, you need to protect your rights as an employee, so please seek legal advice if this escalates. I think it may “blow over” if the administration does not take up the mother’s complaint, which they have no reason to. Also talking to a priest may be of great help as he may have better insight as to how to handle the persecution.

Blessings!
 
BlueEyedLady said:
The first thing I would do is contact an attorney, not only to protect you should you be fired, but to help you navigate a possible legal case against this nutjob. Telling people that you are a sexual predator is slander, and because she has no reason to think that you are gay and you have never been in a relationship with a man telling people that you are a homosexual could also be slander.

Speak to an attorney to protect yourself first and then decide about whether or not to switch jobs.
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Thank you so much for your concern. My brother is an attorney and his partner does employment law. I have him waiting in the wings should I need legal representation, however, I am not one to want to make this a big deal and drag it through what would no doubt be a high-profile case in our town.
 
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. My children attended Catholic schools and their exposure to gay teachers was very obvious with the principal being a big factor. There were other issues as well. We had the parents that caused trouble…some with just cause. I wish you well and it sounds like your family and students are lucky to have someone demonstrate such virtue in today’s liberal view. Protect yourself and keep living the life you know is right.
 
“Would you be upset if you found out one of your child’s teachers was a chaste gay person?”

If I found that a homosexual at my son’s school was being persecuted in spite of their innocence, I would be livid. As if it is not hard enough to have this trial, she thinks it is her job to make you ashamed of something that is no fault of yours and does not make you unfit as a teacher.

The school did not ask you to state your sexual orientation when they hired you, but only insisted that you adhere to Church teaching, which you have done. You ought to go to the pastor in charge of this school and insist that your reputation be defended from this woman’s disgraceful attacks. You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve that. If that does not happen, you ought to be the one who goes all the way to the cardinal, sir!
 
EducatorP said:
Thank you so much for your concern. My brother is an attorney and his partner does employment law. I have him waiting in the wings should I need legal representation, however, I am not one to want to make this a big deal and drag it through what would no doubt be a high-profile case in our town.
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Chances are it wouldn’t even get that far. A strongly worded notice on an attorney’s letterhead is usually all it takes to get bullies like her to back down.
 
The mom in question is a disgusting, pathetic excuse for a christian. Fight her and ask your school to stand with you in christian charity.

I’d suggest that you develop a letter (approved by the school) to send to the parents of your students and ask the school to issue an ultimatum warning to the ugly parent in question that her child will be expelled if her uncharitable behavior doesn’t cease immediately. It should read somethig like this:

Dear parents,

I am writing because of an unfortunate disciplinary problem in the classroom involving a smear campaign against my character and reputation. It has been alleged that my character is defective and unsuitable for a teacher in a catholic environment. I have been accused of being at risk of abusing children. These accusations are cruel, false and unconscienable.

Let me be perfectly clear for the record. I am 100% devoted to our Lord Jesus Christ and the good news He came to proclaim. Like all of us, I am a sinner in need of a Savior and in Christ I have found Him. I am not perfect yet, but I believe in the gospel and I believe that Christ will complete the task He has begun in me, either on this world or in Purgatory before I enter heaven. There are absolutely NO areas of my life in which I stand in unrepentant rebellion against the teachings of the church. (I wonder if my accusers can say the same?) THIS is the mark of a good teacher suitable for teaching in a catholic environment.

As parents of catholic school students, you are entitled to an assurance that your children are being taught the faith by teachers who believe it and don’t undermine it either intentionally or by example in their own lives. I take this responsibility seriously and live it in my teaching vocation. In this era of sexual license and depravity, the testimony of a teacher commited as I am to chastity in both word and deed is more critically needed than ever.

Various ugly pejoratives and labels have been applied to me by both students and parents. This is perhaps the ONLY time in my adult life that I have been ashamed of my local catholic community. This behavior and example is exactly what a catholic education and formation should guard AGAINST! I will not dignify an amatuer witch hunt with a personal response. I will affirm that each and every one of us has sinful inclinations against which we must do battle in life. We must learn to receive the Grace that God offers in Christ and in the Sacraments Christ gave us to grow in virtue. I have always lived my life with this goal and I ask you to make it your goal as well. Therefore, I ask you to support me against these unjust accusations in the name of virtue, fidelity and honesty.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me directly or through the school office.

Sincerely,

yyyyyy
 
I agree wholeheartedly that you need to pursue legal action. This woman has already ruined your reputation. She is a bully, pure and simple. I think you, your principal, your attorney and she need to sit down and discuss the damage she has done to you. She has caused public scandal, and nothing short of a public apology and admittance that she accused you of things without factual basis, should be satisfactory. The principal should also be sending out a letter to all the parents involved, condemning the slander. The school has an obligation to provide a harassment-free working environment to you.

It’s a shame that it always has to come down to threatening legal action, but in this age of internet and easy communication, it is easy to ruin someone’s life. Honestly, I think this woman should be asked to leave the school entirely.
 
EducatorP said:
So, now that that is out of the way - I have never been openly gay. I am simply single.
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Exactly so. You are a chaste single man, and that is how the issue ought to be presented to the principal and the school. There is no point whatever in identifying oneself by an inclination that is not acted upon.
 
EasterJoy said:
“Would you be upset if you found out one of your child’s teachers was a chaste gay person?”

If I found that a homosexual at my son’s school was being persecuted in spite of their innocence, I would be livid. As if it is not hard enough to have this trial, she thinks it is her job to make you ashamed of something that is no fault of yours and does not make you unfit as a teacher.

The school did not ask you to state your sexual orientation when they hired you, but only insisted that you adhere to Church teaching, which you have done. You ought to go to the pastor in charge of this school and insist that your reputation be defended from this woman’s disgraceful attacks. You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve that. If that does not happen, you ought to be the one who goes all the way to the cardinal, sir!
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I agree with Easter Joy. If this woman were at my children’s Catholic school, I would tell her to mind her own buisness, and I’m fairly certain our Priest would too. The gossip she is spreading is TERRIBLE. There is no sin in being a homosexual. Your private life is your private life - and the fact that you are living as a single chaste man - I admire you so much. I’d LOVE for you to teach at my children’s school - even iif you were out as a gay man because your lifestyle would give hope to the children who may be struggling with SSA - the world will tell them to embrace that lifestyle - you would show them by your example that there is an alternative. This is such an important message, especially for in those 6-8th grade. If they could muster it, the respect the parents gave you would be such a good example for their children to learn and carry throughout their lives. That ALL people, regardless of sexual orientation are worthy of respect and human dignity. If those kids were to know you as an actual homosexual - living out your faith, perhaps they would be less likely to bully kids in HS who come out as gay. They’d recognize it’s not a derogatory slur - it’s an actual person with feelings.

I’m going to pray for you so much. I’m thankful that you have the love and support of a family. Hang onto Jesus. He’s your anchor in this storm.
 
Praying for you.

It sounds like this “lady” and her offspring would be no great loss to the school community.

Do you not have a union?

I thank God for our union - which is a union of Catholic teachers. Not only does it have programs that promote Catholicity and Catholic professional development, it is a powerful advocate for the teachers.
 
yellowbird said:
…If those kids were to know you as an actual homosexual - living out your faith, perhaps they would be less likely to bully kids in HS who come out as gay. They’d recognize it’s not a derogatory slur - it’s an actual person with feelings.
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Tangent suggestion: Don’t refer to people as “gays” or “homosexuals.” It reduces human beings to one aspect alone. In some contexts, it may not be offensive (no left handed people that I know are offended at being called “lefties.”). But most of the time, it implies a fundamental identity that isn’t helpful. (So a blonde walks into a bar…)

Try “gay people” or “homosexual people.” It turns the words back into mere adjectives instead of categorized nouns (hey, it IS a teacher thread, right?) 😉

P.S. to the OP: I’d expect the pastor to be eager to help and to stand by you. If not, try the bishop. You’ve done nothing to trigger concerns about undermining church teaching that are the usual situations in news where a teacher is fired for living a personal example that is opposed to the mission of the school.
 
yellowbird said:
I agree with Easter Joy. If this woman were at my children’s Catholic school, I would tell her to mind her own buisness, and I’m fairly certain our Priest would too. The gossip she is spreading is TERRIBLE. There is no sin in being a homosexual. Your private life is your private life - and the fact that you are living as a single chaste man - I admire you so much. I’d LOVE for you to teach at my children’s school - even iif you were out as a gay man because your lifestyle would give hope to the children who may be struggling with SSA - the world will tell them to embrace that lifestyle - you would show them by your example that there is an alternative. This is such an important message, especially for in those 6-8th grade. If they could muster it, the respect the parents gave you would be such a good example for their children to learn and carry throughout their lives. That ALL people, regardless of sexual orientation are worthy of respect and human dignity. If those kids were to know you as an actual homosexual - living out your faith, perhaps they would be less likely to bully kids in HS who come out as gay. They’d recognize it’s not a derogatory slur - it’s an actual person with feelings.

I’m going to pray for you so much. I’m thankful that you have the love and support of a family. Hang onto Jesus. He’s your anchor in this storm.
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Exactly. Any child at that school ought to know that who you are or are not attracted to is nothing to be either ashamed of nor proud of. It is simply who you are, and it makes you no more nor less than anyone who is attracted differently, or who does not experience sexual attractions at all…and therefore, it is no one else’s business to talk about it, except yours…especially not in middle school!

I know people who only have a remarkable hair color who wish people would just shut up about it. It’s not that they don’t like the way they are, it is not as if they would ever consider hiding their true hair color, it is that they’d like it better if other people would not assume that even a remarkable person enjoys constantly being remarked upon. Yet there are people who think it something to be remarked on when a man is talented at music or flower arranging, and a topic of conversation is what his sexual orientation is.

The woman in question also talks as if she either didn’t go to the training for parents on how to spot a child molester–you can’t, madam, that is why we have rules about appropriate behavior–or that she slept through it. Maybe she needs a refresher course.
 
The more I think about this, the more angry I get. I’m a teacher myself and I don’t know if this mother realizes how she could completely ruin a career with unfounded accusations. I wonder on what grounds she is basing her assumption that you are a homosexual. If it is simply because you are an unmarried middle-aged man, she really needs to back down. I mean, on those grounds, she should be assuming that all priests are obviously gay too.
 
manualman said:
Tangent suggestion: Don’t refer to people as “gays” or “homosexuals.” It reduces human beings to one aspect alone. In some contexts, it may not be offensive (no left handed people that I know are offended at being called “lefties.”). But most of the time, it implies a fundamental identity that isn’t helpful. (So a blonde walks into a bar…)

Try “gay people” or “homosexual people.” It turns the words back into mere adjectives instead of categorized nouns (hey, it IS a teacher thread, right?) 😉
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Yes: it’s like saying (and this is very blunt and not meant to offend)

If your students know you as a masturbator who has managed not to masturbate for many years it would help them etc., etc.,

Or if your students knew you as a potential fornicator, or… would-be adulterer, or… ex-artificial-contraceptor (or pick the sexual sin of your choice) it would help them blah blah blah…

Many of us have sexual sins, and thank God we are not defined (or labelled) by them, especially in public!:eek:

And only our confessor needs to know for sure.
 
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