Catholic Wedding Ceremony Questions

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AmyMarie71

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Hello everyone. I am hoping to get some answers here on this forum and I appreciate all advice.

I am a 36 y.o catholic female, never married, no kids who is involved with a 37 y.o catholic male, divorced, no kids. He is currently going through an annulment and we plan on getting married in the fall/winter of 2009.

My questions evolve around the catholic wedding ceremony and how it pertains to me and my FH (future husband) situation. He had a fall-out with his family leaving them not speaking and to the point that they do not even recognize him as a relative. I commend my FH for putting his pride aside and trying to reconcile but his family has no desire to make ammends. My situation falls along the same lines but in a different way. I do not have any family due to them being deceased. Both my mother and father lost their lives to cancer. I lost both of them within 3 years and I was only in my 20’s. I do have a younger sister and a 5 y.o niece but our relationship is anything but healthy. Both me and my FH are introverts and most friends are not friends but aquantences. Most friends have gotten married and moved away. We are each others best friend.

The catholic wedding ceremony is a very public affair and the ceremony can take as long as an hour (with a full mass). It is a celebration not only within family and friends but within the parish. It is also rich in tradition and custom. During the ceremony, Liturgy of the Word which are readings from the Scriptures, are a key element of the ceremony. One reading is chosen by the couple from the Old Testament and one from the New Testament. This is only one of many issues for us. To carry out this portion of the ceremony, family members are chosen by the couple. This is sadly, not one of our options. Ushers, greeters, flower girl and ring bearer, alter servers, maid of honor, best man and attendants will not be at our disposal. It is also a requirement to have 2 witnesses present and should be practicing catholics. Again, we are hoping that the parish can help us out with this and maybe a couple we are going through pre-cana with can stand for us.

While thinking about all of this, it is suppose to be a joyous occasion with anticipation. Am I wrong for feeling disappointment? Even maybe some resentment because my FH had all the bells and whistles during his first marriage and I am not worthy? There will also be no wedding shower, rehearsal dinner or even a reception. I never wanted a large wedding and that is not the point, but, not even having the basics is sad. 😦

So, in closing, how are you to go by having a catholic wedding ceremony in all it’s glory with only 5 people (priest, 2 witnesses, bride and groom)? 🤷

God Bless!
 
There is another option, that of having the marriage take place at a normal Sunday Mass.

At a parish I used to attend this happened. One of the couple was an only child and their parents had passed away sometime before and the other was either the same or their family could not make it (I can’t exactly recall) so they celebrated their wedding at a normal Sunday Mass and shared it with the parish community.
 
Spend the next year getting involved with your Parish - your fellow Parishioners ARE your family. There are great people there, time to meet them!

Join some prayer groups, bible studies or other study groups. Volunteer to assist with RE (you will meet other young families) or with RCIA, your DH could join the Knights.

Why not have a reception in the Parish hall? Cake and punch, maybe some wine - a CD for dancing. Invite the parish.
 
ByzCath said:
There is another option, that of having the marriage take place at a normal Sunday Mass.

At a parish I used to attend this happened. One of the couple was an only child and their parents had passed away sometime before and the other was either the same or their family could not make it (I can’t exactly recall) so they celebrated their wedding at a normal Sunday Mass and shared it with the parish community.
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Outstanding idea, Br. David.
Perhaps you can have coffee and cake in the parish hall afterward and just chit chat with the parishioners. I know you said you were both introverts but the parishioners will want to congratulate you. Also a fabulous way to get to know some more folks in the parish.

Who knows, you may even meet a sweet older couple and have them be parental type mentors to both of you. What a cool thing that would be.
 
kage_ar said:
Spend the next year getting involved with your Parish - your fellow Parishioners ARE your family. There are great people there, time to meet them!

Join some prayer groups, bible studies or other study groups. Volunteer to assist with RE (you will meet other young families) or with RCIA, your DH could join the Knights.

Why not have a reception in the Parish hall? Cake and punch, maybe some wine - a CD for dancing. Invite the parish.
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yep - those were my thoughts too - though you are quick on the keyborad draw.😃

All will be well, AmyMarie, with just a tad of effort on your part. You will have a wonderful wedding.
 
AmyMarie,

A Catholic wedding calls for nothing more than the bride & groom, the priest or deacon and the two witnesses. And God.

What you are picturing is not a “Catholic wedding” but a Hollywood wedding as you’ve seen on TV & in movies. Oh yes, I know, many, if not most, weddings are like that today but that’s not what the church envisions.

My experience in the Catholic Church where I grew up was that the wedding party consisted of the bride & groom and their dads who were the witnesses. That was the norm at home until the early 70s.

Today’s Rite calls for you and the groom to come up in the entrance procession after having been met & welcomed at the back of the church by the priest/deacon. You can be accompanied by your witnesses. There is no need for bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls and ring bearers. They are fluff. Just keep focused on the sacrament that you are about to receive and keep that as the thing of the greatest importance.

As for witnesses, don’t you have special friends who could be there for you? Neither of our witnesses was Catholic – the question wasn’t even asked. Unlike a godparent, they have are only there as witnesses to satisfy both Canon Law and the State and have no Church role outside the ceremony.
 
Trust me when you get in front of that church and stand before God, and the Holy Spirt is present in that marriage you wont care about anything else. You are standing in the presense of God and the feeling will ovepower you. You will feel joy beyond belief.
 
A catholic wedding ceremony in all its glory?

It will be **glorious **because it will also be attended by the most infinite, loving and merciful God!😃
 
I hope you know that that “annulment” that you say your intended is going through is called a “Decree of Nullity”. It states that the first marriage was not a valid marriage and because of that, he is free to marry not again, but for the first time. Without that Decree, your intended cannot marry in the Catholic Church (since your intended is already married.)

So please, please wait for him to get that Decree before you two set the date. And when you do, you’ll be able to make arrangements with the priest of his parish and you can tell him your problems and “brainstorm” solutions that you’ll like. BTW if it’s like my son’s recent wedding, you will be given a little booklet so you two can pick out just the readings you want.

As for a Catholic wedding having to be big–that’s not true. My husband and I had a very small but beautiful wedding in the Church (even the priest said so). Husband’s father was deceased and his family were in another state so only his mother and sister were able to fly in for the ceremony. I too had out-of-state family so only my mother and step-father were there. Oh our witnesses, were my grandparents.
 
AMDGtoo said:
I hope you know that that “annulment” that you say your intended is going through is called a “Decree of Nullity”. It states that the first marriage was not a valid marriage and because of that, he is free to marry not again, but for the first time. Without that Decree, your intended cannot marry in the Catholic Church (since your intended is already married.)

So please, please wait for him to get that Decree before you two set the date. And when you do, you’ll be able to make arrangements with the priest of his parish and you can tell him your problems and “brainstorm” solutions that you’ll like. BTW if it’s like my son’s recent wedding, you will be given a little booklet so you two can pick out just the readings you want.

As for a Catholic wedding having to be big–that’s not true. My husband and I had a very small but beautiful wedding in the Church (even the priest said so). Husband’s father was deceased and his family were in another state so only his mother and sister were able to fly in for the ceremony. I too had out-of-state family so only my mother and step-father were there. Oh our witnesses, were my grandparents.
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Sound advice.

Also, fear not about the number of attendants, but discuss with the priest.

As in ALL Catholic weddings, there is only ONE witness that matters for the vows you make TO Him, Before Him, lasts your lifetime!

His Blessings are prayed here for you both.

:cool:
 
Why are you even thinking about marriage and a wedding with a guy who is still presummed to be married??!?!?!
 
agapewolf said:
Why are you even thinking about marriage and a wedding with a guy who is still presummed to be married??!?!?!
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I had the exact same thought. Until (unless?) he has the decree of nullity (and this is not yet certain), he is presumed to be married, and he is not free to date.
 
AmyMarie71 said:
HelloThere will also be no wedding shower, rehearsal dinner or even a reception. I never wanted a large wedding and that is not the point, but, not even having the basics is sad. 😦

So, in closing, how are you to go by having a catholic wedding ceremony in all it’s glory with only 5 people (priest, 2 witnesses, bride and groom)? 🤷

God Bless!
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the basics are a bride and groom, a priest or deacon to witness the vows, and 2 witnesses, and the marriage rite. all else is cultural baggage, not Church rite or tradition (other than of course the nuptial Mass which is optional).

Most of what you describe is cultural accretion from outside Catholic tradition in any case, and actually counter Catholic understanding of the sacrament.

teeny point of clarification, you are not engaged or even romantically involved with a gentlement who has not yet received a decree of nullity from his first marriage, since that is is not possible given his status as a married man. You have a good friend who is waiting for annulment, and if and when that happens something deeper may with God’s will develop but at this point wedding plans are premature.

my advice since you ask would be to get emotion and false pictures from the popular culture of what a “proper” wedding is out of your mind and focus on preparing for the sacrament and the marriage, not the wedding.
 
Hi Amy,

My prayers for you as it can’t be easy to be thinking of these things and still have this prior marriage of your FH intact and unresolved. Trust in God and all will be as he wills though!

Speaking personally, if I were at a parish Sunday mass one day, and the priest surprised us with a marriage after his homily,* I would be eternally humbled that this couple chose that place and time to marry with me there, confirming their eternal love in my presence*. Please consider that!

In that case, I don’t imagine you’d even select the readings – it would be mass as normal until after the homily, and then resume at the prayer of the faithful. Maybe even leave it to just before mass to ask 2 people entering church to be your witnesses!

Bottom line: in our faith you don’t need all the fluff (white dress, ring bearer, flower girl, maid of honor) to be married. It’s really about you, your FH, and God.

My prayers,
mp
 
And another piece of advice: puzzleannie’s posts are generally spot on, the one written above inclusive.

mp
 
The no annulment thing flew right past me.

Put the romance on the back burner until you know if this man can consider marriage. Spend that time getting involved in your Parish community.
 
I want to thank everyone who so lovingly gave their advice and comments.

Phieme stated her experiences with wedding ceremonies of the past. I have not attended many Catholic wedding ceremonies but the ones I have were considered the ‘NORM’ as far as bride, groom, maid of honor, best man, parents, grandparents, family and friends, priest or deacon, witnesses, etc. They were all followed by a reception of some sort. If that is all I have seen and have experienced, then I guess you can say that this is what I also consider the “NORM”.

The hardest part for me is knowing that no family will be present on either side, not the ‘flufff’ or pomp and circumstance.

Getting involved with the parish more is a great idea, however, it will be difficult. My FH lives an hour away and when I visit him on the weekend, we attend his church during Saturday evening mass. Due to his work schedule, he rarely comes down my way but when he does, we then attend the church I go to.

I guess I was misinformed when I was told that both witnesses should be catholic and in good standing (practicing). Maybe this is at the descretion of the priest or parish? I am unaware.

I understand that it is way to early to be thinking or preparing for such an event. Things can change BUT one thing will not and that is no family being present. This is a major factor and the ceremony will be planned (in the future) around that fact. Sad but true. :crying:
 
I’ll pass over the annulment question, since the OP passed it over and the point has been made.

Your families are not just going to be absent for your wedding. By all appearances, they’re going to be absent for your married life. This is surely a sad situation, you are right. Nevertheless, you do with your wedding what you’ll be doing in your marriage. You rejoice in those that you do have to rejoice with. Whether few or many, these people are your real blessings.

You are not in an unusual situation, even for a first-time wedding. Those who anticipate a marriage with a smaller circle of support generally have proportionately smaller weddings. I had some friends who just came from small families, and there were maybe a dozen people at the smallest of their weddings. Some couples even have very small weddings by choice, for a variety of reasons. It is also becoming the “norm” that brides and grooms who have reached your age plan and finance their own weddings. In general, couples feel very free to tailor their weddings to their own situations, and you should, too.

Take “rehearsal dinners” as an example. These don’t presuppose a large wedding party any more. Very often, out-of-town guests are included, too, particularly out-of-town relatives, however distant. If you want a pre-wedding dinner, then, have one. It can include as many of those who will be in attendance at the wedding as you like, including everybody. It doesn’t have to revolve around a “rehearsal”, either. The same goes for a next-day brunch. So if you decide to have a wedding followed by a cake reception at one of your parish’s Sunday Masses, go ahead and plan a really special night out before or after with your closest friends or even just the priest who marries you.

It’s up to you. Whatever you do, remember the parable of Our Lord: this isn’t the first wedding feast where the invited guests refused to come. Let the festivities center on those who will come. Let the rest gnash their own teeth.
 
PS If you think the scale of both your home parishes is simply too big for the number of guests you foresee having at your wedding, emphasizing those who are absent, consider looking for a smaller Catholic church or chapel in your area. In other words, you can arrange to have a wedding at a Catholic church outside your home parish. Ask your pastor about it; he may know a good place that you had not considered.
 
EasterJoy said:
PS If you think the scale of both your home parishes is simply too big for the number of guests you foresee having at your wedding, emphasizing those who are absent, consider looking for a smaller Catholic church or chapel in your area. In other words, you can arrange to have a wedding at a Catholic church outside your home parish. Ask your pastor about it; he may know a good place that you had not considered.
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The church my FH belongs to is a decent size and we discussed our future ceremony. We both would feel, well, intimidated having the ceremony with a total of 5 people in the church. His parish has a separate chapel besides the church and I am sure it has been utillized in similar situations like ours. That is a question that will be asked but definite plans will be held off until a Decree of Nullity is awarded. It was, however, good to hear from the tribunal that it would not take nearly as long due to their not being any children involved. If everything goes well, 6-9 months is the time period they are estimating.
 
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