Catholic with an STD- will I ever marry?

[johntkd]

,I believe I got it from receiving oral sex from someone who had an open Herpes infection on their mouth. It NEVER occurred to me that I could get it this way.
brightlight

Yes its actually one of the most common ways persons get it, oral and digital stimulation, anyways Herpes is not the end of the world by any means, I figured thats the STD you were talking about in OP,they do have meds that reduce possible transmission, and outbreaks, of course check side effects etc may not be worth it,
Now I admit I am not the “shallow man” looks etc mean next to nothing to me when meeting someone, I want what the person has inside,if it was me meeting you, and say things were going really well and you were up front right away and didnt wait till heart could be broken it would have no bearing to me,
in other words herpes would not scare me away, if you waited a long time to say something well then it could easily be thought you were deliberatly hiding it what else are you hiding etc type thoughts. I have a feeling many men feel that way as well.

good luck to you

               John

 

[johntkd]

Not at all.

Divorced people do have a lot of issues, though. First, the ex-spouse. Even with an annulment, the ex-spouse is still part of the person’s life. Even with an annulment, the children don’t just poof into thin air, either. Even with an annulment, the ex-inlaws, nieces, nephews, and other ex-relatives are all still around.
.

Yes divorced people do have a lot of issues but not all do sorry if i seemed hostile last night with my post it really struck a nerve for some reason and i seriously took it differently probablly than i should have,

But you did generalize all divorced people in that post many have no kids, no contact with prior spouse etc, the only issues there would be is maybe they know what mistakes to avoid.

as far as my divorce is concerned its in the past, was best thing i ever did was finally get out of that,

now onto the question about the cut condoms, yes it would reduce chances of spreading for herpes, it would NOT lessen chances with 99 percent of other STDs,
some people dont relize how herpes are spread but basically the person infected has to have a open sore, this can be very very tiny almost invisible to a glance though.
a person infected with herpes cannot infect someone all the time everytime so with caution and care its possible for op to marry and live with her husband in a normal marriage for a thousand years and never transmit the disease to him,
I also believe the national avg of herpes infected singles is between 35 and 46 percent, so her chances of finding a potential spouse whom already has it is also high.
I personally know many people whom have herpes,are married and spouse is not infected and they are NOT using condoms.

so yes tons and tons of hope for you, BUT you need to get over your own guilt and quit feeling shamed, I am not saying you need to broadcast it to everyone,just relize its a part of you now and its a part of the whole package, NOONE has a perfect package to sell a future spouse, make sense ??..

on that note please also relize some men may be scared away by it, well guess what? thats just a lil gift you have saying he was not the one for you…
John

 

[CarrieH]

I don’t know a lot about Herpes, but I do know a woman who has it. If I understand correctly, she is “safe” to have marital relations with her husband as long as she doesn’t have visible signs of an outbreak.

Current research shows that the virus can be shed even when people don’t have outward symptoms. Suppressive therapy can help decrease virus shedding, but it’s not 100%. As the herpes-pill ad on TV says, up to 70% of people with herpes got it from their partner when they had no signs of an outbreak. This thread stirred my curiosity, so I went on Medscape (a members-only website for medical professionals) and found some very sobering statistics which confirm this. medscape.com/viewprogram/3915 This article also said that up to 90% of people who have herpes don’t even know they have it – they have no symptoms, or their symptoms are so minor that they think it is something else such as an insect bite, hemorrhoid, etc. Serious stuff, but not the end of the world by any means.

I used to work with a gal who had herpes and was not at all discreet about it – she was the TMI-queen! She said that for her, it felt like a spider bite “down there,” started off itchy but hurt a bit when you scratched it. For her, it was mild and nothing like the nasty photos they showed us when we had our OB rotation in nursing school. She said that it was a bit of a nuisance, but not that big of a deal to her (so why did she have to tell everyone? Ick!). She was married and had children, BTW, so this wasn’t a deal-breaker for whichever one of them brought this “gift” to the relationship (or maybe they both had it beforehand?). But that just goes to show, not everyone will reject a partner simply because they have herpes.

Now that I have googled “herpes,” my inbox is going to be flooded with STD-related spam, I can just tell. Oy.

 

[Pug]

I don’t know about ‘the motherhouse of a group of women religious’ - any direction here?

I meant that, since you mentioned becoming a nun if called to it, that you can visit an religious order to see what the life is like. I meant a religious order like the Franciscans, etc. Often they will live in a small convent of only a few sisters, so to get a real flavor for the group and their life, it is helpful to go to the the largest or original home they have, the “motherhouse”. Usually there are many sisters there and the retired sisters are there too. I did this when I was, oh, 19 or so to see what it was like. They will let you come and see even if you aren’t sure yet if you are called to marriage or if you are called to the religious life (to be a nun or sister). The sisters and the nuns are categorized as “women religious”. There is also such a thing as women who remain single, but do not take this kind of religious vow, and so they remain living in the world, so to speak.

I ended up getting married. But I considered the religious life first.

I’m glad you had a personal experience of the Holy Spirit. That sort of thing can be so helpful for sharing your faith with others. Of course don’t publicly share the information that you have an STD. At least, not unless you are called to do chastity talks or something to help people stay pure themselves. I would tell the man you are looking to marry, though. But you know that already.

 

[Daniel_Kane]

Just b/c you have acquired this infection, which is chronic does not necessarily mean that you are called to religious life or not called to marriage. As many posters have mentioned, this is more a nuisance disease that a fatal one. I am certain that you are up to speed medically on this.

Confess, repent and move on. That is all that we are called to do. For some acts there are long term consequences and you may be called to be a witness to that once you have more distance between the diagnosis and now.

You were wise to not go further with you divorced friend and it seems like you listen to your conscience. This of course, is a great thing, and continue to listen to your conscience and certainly the Holy Spirit will guide you consistent with God’s will.

An unfortunate circumstance for sure, but God wills great things for us all.

 

[catechumen08]

This is a tough dilemma. Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you. This is something that’s best discussed with your priest, in my opinion.

 

[sanctareparata]

Pardon my ignorance, but can I ask what the big deal is with this that some seem to think the OP should spare a man the disease and not marry at all, as though her problem isn’t compatible with marriage?

I guess I’m just not seeing the big issue. Sure, herpes is a pain in the butt. It’s ugly, painful at times and a total nuisance. (I don’t have genital herpes, by the way…) but I did start getting oral herpes in my mouth, thanks to DH’s oral outbreaks.

Fact is, lots and lots of people get oral herpes, and lots and lots of married people use oral stimulation as foreplay, probably not knowing it can be spread around. So that tells me lots and lots of married people probably DO have some form of genital herpes and they learn to deal with it.

I’m not seeing that it’s an issue that is going to “cost” her a future spouse, like some of you seem to think. Some of you seem to be implying that if she truly loves a man, she needs to spare him this problem and not marry him.

So, anyone care to clarify? I say as long as he’s informed and okay with it, there is no problem.

 

[CarrieH]

So, anyone care to clarify? I say as long as he’s informed and okay with it, there is no problem.

Amen! But evidently most people don’t feel as you do, sad to say. As common as it is, genital herpes still has this huge stigma. I found this while I was reading up about it:
webmd.com/genital-herpes/news/20070824/genital-herpes-stigma-still-strong?src=rss_psychtoday

I can see how a person with herpes might feel like “damaged goods” when it comes to finding a godly spouse. Maybe the difference between accepting oral herpes vs. genital is that people can pick up oral herpes in a number of ways, but we all know how people get genital herpes, and is a permanent “souvenir” of their relationship with someone else. That doesn’t make this type of thinking right; it’s just how it is in our culture.

 

[KCT]

Pardon my ignorance, but can I ask what the big deal is with this that some seem to think the OP should spare a man the disease and not marry at all, as though her problem isn’t compatible with marriage?

In her first post, she was vague about what disease she is dealing with. It was not made clear until later. —KCT

 

[sanctareparata]

In her first post, she was vague about what disease she is dealing with. It was not made clear until later. —KCT

Okay - understandable. Though I was mostly taking issue with post #19. Jmcrae, I believe, who said: “All true - meaning that if you truly seek the best outcome for that person’s life (which is what true love is) then you would not marry him, because not marrying him would be the most loving possible thing that you could do for him, to protect his future health - unless there were some way to be married to him that would not be dangerous for him (like, if he already has the disease, for example).”

Though perhaps I’m misreading it.

 

[mahalia]

Herpes simplex is really not such a dangerous disease! Only in very rare occasions it can cause heavy problems, and that is when the carrier has low immunity due to other severe conditions.
Many people are infected with the virus, especially HSV1 (usually labial type). and some who are infected with hsv 1 can be “protected” from hsv 2 infection.
Do you know which type you have? is it HSV 1 or HSV 2?

also, in a couple of years I think we can expect vaccines to come to market.
I think your main problem is future pregnancy, because of the risk for the baby. but in cooperation with your OBGYN, I think you can work it out.
Don’t be afraid!
This is really not the end of the world!

If you meet a guy and you like him, I think you should tell him but also explain what kind of a disease it is. But first, YOU should learn about your condition and learn how to live with it.God bless you!

 

[Pug]

I’m not seeing that it’s an issue that is going to “cost” her a future spouse, like some of you seem to think. Some of you seem to be implying that if she truly loves a man, she needs to spare him this problem and not marry him.

So, anyone care to clarify? I say as long as he’s informed and okay with it, there is no problem.

I agree that as long as he is informed, this is fine. I’ve met people online, though, who claim they would refuse to marry someone with AIDS. Also, they claim that it would be wrong to have relations with your spouse if you have AIDS and they don’t. This is why I think a serious enough STD can motivate a person to not marry you. I’m not saying that it would be so for any STD or for any potential spouse. I think lots of people would have no issue with herpes. In the first post, we did not know if it was herpes or AIDS.

If I were to dig through the old threads here, I could find people making a rhetorical argument against using condoms in a marriage where one person has AIDS by arguing it is like a death sentence or something similar for the healthy spouse and this would be immoral in itself, without reference to the wrongness that the condom adds to the pot. I am only reporting on my understanding/recollection of what I’ve seen.

Myself, I think it is possible that a couple in that situation might choose to have relations (no condom, of course) depending on circumstances.

 

[wjp984]

I see all these comercials for treatments for STDS now so I’m sure there’s something you could do if you ever get married. As long as it’s not a fatal STD what is the worst that could happen anyways? You both end up with it and treat it. You would love each other after all. Odds are if you are careful you probably would be able to avoid spreading it I think.

 

[jmcrae]

I see all these comercials for treatments for STDS now so I’m sure there’s something you could do if you ever get married. As long as it’s not a fatal STD what is the worst that could happen anyways? You both end up with it and treat it. You would love each other after all. Odds are if you are careful you probably would be able to avoid spreading it I think.

Even non-fatal STDs have side effects such as infertility, birth defects, and the nuisances of being painful and unsightly.

I am under the impression that coming home with an STD is also one of the few instances where the Church actually recommends marital separation with a civil divorce (without subsequent remarriage, of course) - I think the other two are spousal and child abuse, and then there is the catch-all “making the common life to be intolerable,” which I suppose covers forms of abuse that don’t leave physical marks on the body. So I don’t even know if a wedding would even be allowed in the Church, if one person had an STD and the other didn’t.

Under civil law here in Canada (which is not based on any religion), it was actually illegal for persons with STDs to get married, because of the possible birth defects in the children, right up until fairly recently (because in Canada, we no longer assume that married people are going to be having children, so that law was changed recently) - anybody remember the marital blood test?

Anyway, that’s just my two cents. The OP should talk to her priest and to her doctor to see what can be done in her particular case. As I said in my first post on this thread, I wish her all the best, and I hope and pray that she will find true happiness, in whatever form that may take.

 

[ack]

Actually, this is still done in some parts of the US. For example, in Washington, DC, you have to pass a syphilis blood test before you get married.

Under civil law here in Canada (which is not based on any religion), it was actually illegal for persons with STDs to get married, because of the possible birth defects in the children, right up until fairly recently (because in Canada, we no longer assume that married people are going to be having children, so that law was changed recently) - anybody remember the marital blood test?

 

[CarrieH]

Actually, this is still done in some parts of the US. For example, in Washington, DC, you have to pass a syphilis blood test before you get married.

Talk about archaic! Syphilis has been curable with antibiotics for decades now. At the time of my marriage, we had to go for AIDS counseling, which I also thought was ridiculous. The people who are about to enter into marriage have hopefully had a monogamous relationship (better yet, chaste relationship!) for a long time and are NOT the ones who need to be counseled about disease prevention! It was just another hoop to jump through on our way to the altar, stupid but mandatory.

 

[Katie1723]

I don’t know a lot about Herpes, but I do know a woman who has it. If I understand correctly, she is “safe” to have marital relations with her husband as long as she doesn’t have visible signs of an outbreak. I know there are times that they haven’t used a condom, if they do at all, because she was trying for babies twice and now has two of them.

So, I think that all that would be involved in protecting a spouse from infection would be periodic abstinence during outbreaks. So, using a condom may not even be an issue.

A woman can have an active lesion internally and not know it. There is no such thing as a “safe” time when it comes to genital herpes. But there are meds that help keep outbreaks under control.

Kathy

 

[GraceDK]

Dear sister in Jesus.
Don’t be sad… It must be a real hard time for you with all the bad stuff happening… I know that when we sin, repent and confess we wanna just get on with our lives and we suffer enough already …
I think you can find a good man and he will love you and you will love him passionately and that’s all there is to that. Dont let any bitter people fool you but continue to hope… or rather, trust in Jesus. He will send you the right man…
as Scripture says: "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His justice, then everything else will be given to you… " You have to draw near to Jesus and focus your eyes on Him, then the beauty that comes from you will catch the eyes of another beautiful soul and the love will be selfgiving and heroic because it is grounded in Jesus.
I believe that if we believe in Him we also have to believe in true love, and if we believe in Him we also have to believe that He will send the one to us, whom we are meant to marry.
Jesus, Lover of the former sinners whom You have now justified and made pure, we trust in you.

By the way… I think you should go to a healing conference or something… Many people get healed in the Name of Jesus from everything from cancer to depression…I have seen so many healings in front of my eyes… so have hope and go find the people whom He has given such a ministry. Jesus is the same today, yesterday and always.
I always believe when God lets a good daughter fall for a moment He lets her experience pain shortly so that He can display His Saving Love… and her joy can be much more great afterwards knowing now more the Love beyond measure…

If I loved a man who had an STD with him from a fall that once took place and he truly loved Jesus and was a good man… I would ask God to take my fears away and marry him.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, can anyone blame someone for not wanting to catch an STD from someone else?

 

[GraceDK]

Sure… its understandable… but we just got to remember that a person is not a disease. In reality many of us have sinned and for our sin we really deserve death according to the word of God. Some people are so unfortunate that they bear a mark of sin on their body… some only in their soul … but we have all sinned.
Imagine that you are married to a person and while you are married you get a disease which, whereas it may be contagious, also stigmatices you in a way that no other disease does in the eys of society. Would you then expect that your spouse will leave you or will you hope that the person sticks with you? Will you enjoy thinking: “If she had had the knowledge she would not have married me…” or will you think: “she would have loved me regardless”. I, being a believer in love, hope in the latter option.
What I am saying is: we all need to be stuck by… we all have diseases due to falls in our own lives or in the lives of others… everyone is marked and contagious… you can catch all kinds of things from people…emotinally or physically… if… IF you dare to love them.
For me it goes that deep. If I am faced with the question of this poor woman then I will ask myself… what would Jesus have done?
Oh yes… Hoseas book tells us about a Lord who engages a whore to himself forever… He transforms her (Israel/the Church) through His love. I find that conforting… for I am also marked with contageous things due to sin on my soul. But I rejoice in knowing that Jesus’ love is bigger… so I believe there are disciples out there who would willingly love me, this young woman, and all the other lepers…
Is this too deep for you? For me it is not… But I am also both a believer in Jesus and a romantic… (So is He I think)