Catholic women marrying non-Catholic men

[St_Gabriel]

Well then, pray for me Ike and my spouse next time you get the chance. We could use your prayers.

 

[Belle10]

I’m not the one you should be praying for.

I stand squarely with the Church on this.

Then why did the Church allow me and my husband to be married? (He was baptized Methodist )

 

[beckers]

For the two ladies who have felt hurt, I do not mean to hurt you. Simply stated, at some point in your relationship you made a concious choice to marry this person, you decided that his not being Catholic was not important in light of some other quality, that shared faith was of lesser importance to you than sharing life with that person. You are free to make that decision.

My point, when a single person is making that decision, it is the better way to choose someone who shares the fullness of Faith. The Holy Catholic Church is not just another denomination - while we share with our non-catholic bretheren some things, we are opposed on very central beliefs.

I have to agree with you on this point. It has been a struggle for me as a single catholic women. As much as i have like some non-catholic men. I can not feel that God would call me to be their wives. Why would i choose to be in a relationship with a man who also doesn’t share my faith and core beliefs? I want to be at church with my spouse. We’ve entered into a scarment with God, who should be our center of our relationship. We should be celebrating the Eurcharist together as a family. How can i do that with a non-catholic? How can i possible make him understand why i need Jesus and confession so much. My faith is not something that is simply a part of me but is the center of me. It’s what i try to base all my decisions and actions off of. To not be able to share that part of me with someone especially a spouse would be so difficult. i would feel like i was split in two.

I’ve tried to rationalize is it but the truth is if i married a non-catholic then I would have to be in a sense the spiritual head of the household. i would be solely responsible for my childern’s catholic upbringing. And if i died would my husband continue to raise them in the Catholic Faith? Could i put my childern’s souls in limbo?

I know mixed marriages can work. i have a few in my family but I have also seen and read a lot of people’s experiences on these boards. Seems that mixed marriages bring an extra bit of a struggle to the marriage. Relationships are already so hard, why put unnecessary hurdles in your relationship when you are starting out?

 

[Seatuck]

Well, Frank, after 30-ish posts I think you have your answer. It’s because they do not see anything wrong with doing so. And, yes, I call that a failure in catechesis.

I agree. There will always be exceptions to every rule and we can all name wonderful mixed marriages. A marriage with the man as a non Catholic does not have a spiritual head in the way we would hope.That’s a big loss for a marriage. When we pick a spouse we are supposed to pick the person with whom we have the best chance of becoming the people God intended us to be and who will lovingly support our getting into heaven. How can a woman marrying a non Catholic or non practicing Catholic feel confident about that? Let’s face it a lot of those women in church without a husband have a non practicing Catholic man at home or elsewhere.

It should be said that the church merely tolerates marrying out of the faith. It does not encourage it. Why else do we need it’s special permission to do so? A Priest is supposed to be making sure we are strong enough in the faith to resist the temptations that come along with being married to a person for a lifetime who may not be helping us to live a faithful life. More Priests need to be taking this role seriously. As well as with one or two Catholics who clearly don’t take marriage seriously enough. The latter was my situation and it has taken us more than 20 years to grow to a point where we are starting to shape up.

 

[1ke]

Then why did the Church allow me and my husband to be married? (He was baptized Methodist )

See the post by Seatuck. The Church tolerates mixed marriage it does not encourage it or condone it.

The Church documents on mixed marriage are actually quite harsh-- way more harsh than me.

Frankly, I think it’s quite a failure on the part of individuals within the Church who do not express this *clearly *enough or teach our young people *early *enough including the parents who don’t teach their children the proper foundation of marriage and family.

And, frankly it’s a failure on the part of Catholics to educate themselves. The documents are available, now-so more than ever.

When you sit down with the priest to plan your wedding ceremony is NOT the time the priest is likely to be able to dissuade you from your decision.

At that point, he can do what is required by the Church–which is to evaluate whether your faith is in jeopardy, educate you on your obligations, and recommend to the bishop that a dispensation be granted or not granted.

I think it’s more rare for a dispensation to be denied than in the past and I do see this as negative, not positive.

 

[BlestOne]

Actually, despite your disagreements, you all have points and they are all valid. I just want to share my reason for being a single mom in the pews for so many years…

Truthfully…
I was lied to. My ex pretended to be Catholic and in fact was brought up Catholic. But somewhere down the line he decided that he was his own God and became what he termed a “Pagan High Priest” but didn’t tell me… so, I meet him, he tells me he is Catholic. I am attracted…we date. As we date I think he is being respectful and not pushing me to have sex… I think he is a good Catholic… we go to mass together. So he proposes… I accept. Then he comes up with an elaborate scam that reaches down to my biggest dream… he tells me that he just go a promotion but the job entails travel to exotic places. He is allowed to bring a wife but not a girlfriend, and why don’t we have a civil wedding now so I can travel and plan a church wedding… well me being naive and poorly catechised, I think this is acceptable. So we are married civilly… now where are those trips to Philippines and Japan? Next thing I know, he is talking about how I should join the military, and even though he has been in the USN he will join the USAF too. So I uproot myself from my family, join the military and while in basic training he tells me he cant join because of a weird rule about his medical/honorable discharge.

Eventually, he comes clean about his religious beliefs, but not before we have 4 children… wow, by now you are all thinking I am pretty stupid huh? Well that church wedding… there was never a “good” time… you know… either pregnant, his mom is unhappy, his sister is having a hard time… the money… any excuse would do. So finally, I pinned him down to a date. Next thing I know, he is picking fights and threatening to leave. Many times I beg him to stay, but too many things just didn’t make sense… so I start detatching and finally tell him to do what he has to do… now for reality:

1. he was already married when he met me and in fact his divorce wasn’t even final until we had been married 6 months.
2. He wanted to punish his ex by not paying child support for the child I didn’t have a clue about from the marriage I didn’t have a clue about.
3. He talked me into the military, knowing that he couldn’t go in… he just wanted to hide so they couldn’t find him to collect support.
4. He used my military service to separate me from my family and to avoid getting a job… I worked and put him through school.
5. When he got jealous of my service, he made me get out, saying he was going to Chicago for grad school… reality… he didn’t get his bachelors degree.
6. When we moved to IL for his grad school…another series of “events” led us downstate… he didn’t have a scholarship or anything for grad school so we couldn’t end up there.
7. In downstate, we settled in but I worried about the broken contract with the grad school… called them just to find out they didn’t know who he was. In the meantime he kept saying he couldn’t get the job he wanted without his diploma from college, he said he owed parking fines, library fees, etc… so they wouldn’t send it. So I called… he owed nothing but he also didn’t graduate.
8. Finally he leaves… after telling me after mass one day about why he can’t face going to mass with me… he thinks he is a pagan high priest!
9. 6 months later, I get a notice that my income tax return is being garnished to pay back child support…remember I have no clue…
10. So that is how I happened to be a single mom sitting in the pews of my parish… is that complete enough?

 

[Belle10]

Seatuck said: “A Priest is supposed to be making sure we are strong enough in the faith to resist the temptations that come along with being married to a person for a lifetime who may not be helping us to live a faithful life.”

I am strong enough in my faith. Jesus is first, my spouse is second. If something happens to me, my husband will honor my wishes for our daughter (and any future children) to be brought up Catholic.

In fact, the fact that my husband isn’t Catholic helps my faith – because I am constantly trying to more-accurately reflect Christ’s love through my faith so he will hopefully want to convert.

At that point, he can do what is required by the Church–which is to evaluate whether your faith is in jeopardy, educate you on your obligations, and recommend to the bishop that a dispensation be granted or not granted.

My faith is not in jeopardy, we were educated on our obligations, and we were married in the Catholic Church and vowed to uphold those obligations – obligations that I owe to God and take VERY SERIOUSLY. If for some reason my husband insisted I not raise our daughter Catholic (not that he would do that), he wouldn’t win.

I’m through trying to explain myself to you – I answer to God, not you, and maybe you should be a little nicer to someone who is a fellow Catholic trying to be a light to someone who needs it and doing the best she can.

 

[Belle10]

Actually, despite your disagreements, you all have points and they are all valid. I just want to share my reason for being a single mom in the pews for so many years…

Truthfully…
I was lied to. My ex pretended to be Catholic and in fact was brought up Catholic. But somewhere down the line he decided that he was his own God and became what he termed a “Pagan High Priest” but didn’t tell me… so, I meet him, he tells me he is Catholic.

BlestOne, prayers for you and your kids. Take comfort in Jesus’ loving embrace, and know He is taking care of you during your time of suffering. :console:

 

[1ke]

I’m through trying to explain myself to you – I answer to God, not you,

I didn’t ask you to explain yourself to me, nor do I believe you owe any explanation, nor do I believe you answer to me.

and maybe you should be a little nicer to someone who is a fellow Catholic trying to be a light to someone who needs it and doing the best she can.

If you are taking this personally, then step back. It’s not directed at you personally. And, certainly not directed at any person who has already married a non-Catholic, or was a non-Catholic when they married, or any combination of those.

The main point is those not already married should be catechized and know the Church does not approve of mixed marriages and why. This is about why mixed marriage is viewed as “no big deal”. It is a big deal, and it is serious.

And, certainly there is no wish for anyone’s marriage to turn out badly and no ill-will towards anyone who made the choice to marry a non-Catholic and live out their faith in that way.

 

[St_Gabriel]

kage_ar;2736648:

I’ve tried to rationalize is it but the truth is if i married a non-catholic then I would have to be in a sense the spiritual head of the household. i would be solely responsible for my childern’s catholic upbringing. And if i died would my husband continue to raise them in the Catholic Faith? Could i put my childern’s souls in limbo?

I know mixed marriages can work. i have a few in my family but I have also seen and read a lot of people’s experiences on these boards. Seems that mixed marriages bring an extra bit of a struggle to the marriage. Relationships are already so hard, why put unnecessary hurdles in your relationship when you are starting out?

In my case, Jesus is the spiritual head of the household not me (thankfully). All my children have been baptised and are being taught the faith. Please pray for me and my spouse.

 

[rinnie]

ironically i will be married tommorow for 26 years. i am one of those people who married a non catholic man. he is the most wonderful husband in the world. when we met father knew he wasnt catholic the only thing was our kids had to be brought up in the church. i wouldnt let him become catholic just for me. i told him it had to be his choice. right before my daugher was born he turned catholic. we have not missed a sunday since the day we have been married. i dont think there is a human being out there that can say a bad thing about him. as far as people taking children to church that arent married didnt Jesus say BRING THE CHILDREN TO ME. God bless them women and you are right you give them kids to GOD, who knows one of them kids may be the pope some day. GOD Loves us all and is a forgiving God. no disrespect just my view on it.

 

[BlestOne]

BlestOne, prayers for you and your kids. Take comfort in Jesus’ loving embrace, and know He is taking care of you during your time of suffering. :console:

Belle10 you are a sweetie… the ending of the story… I received a decree of nullity and married a wonderful Catholic man… just celebrated our 2 yr anniversary.

 

[Belle10]

If you are taking this personally, then step back. It’s not directed at you personally.

It’s hard not to take it personally when you say things like:

The main point is those not already married should be catechized and know the Church does not approve of mixed marriages and why. This is about why mixed marriage is viewed as “no big deal”. It is a big deal, and it is serious.

The two priests who we consulted with, did our pre-Cana with, are good, faithful priests. They’re not crazy, liberal, let’s-change-the-whole-church priests trying to modernize everything. When you comment the way you do, you essentially are attacking not only those who are married to non-Catholics, but the priests who counseled us and presided over our marriage ceremonies. I understand that the church prefers Catholics to marry Catholics, but it also understands and is OK with Catholics marrying non-Catholics if they agree to raise the children Catholic, etc.

CCC:
*1534 Two other sacraments, Holy Orders and Matrimony, are directed towards the salvation of others; if they contribute as well to personal salvation, it is through service to others that they do so. They confer a particular mission in the Church and serve to build up the People of God.

1535 Through these sacraments those already consecrated by Baptism and Confirmation1 for the common priesthood of all the faithful can receive particular consecrations. Those who receive the sacrament of Holy Orders are consecrated in Christ’s name "to feed the Church by the word and grace of God."2 On their part, "Christian spouses are fortified and, as it were, consecrated for the duties and dignity of their state by a special sacrament."3*

My spouse may become Catholic one day (I believe it will happen, because I trust in God’s will and believe God wants it to happen). I believe that us being married is the vehicle that may bring him home one day. I believe that God placed me in his life for that purpose - to be Christ’s light. That’s why I take it personally when you say the things you do in the way you do.

 

[Belle10]

beckers;2736887:

In my case, Jesus is the spiritual head of the household not me (thankfully). All my children have been baptised and are being taught the faith. Please pray for me and my spouse.

Amen! He’s the head of my household too!
Prayers that you can stay strong and that your marriage will be all that God wants it to be

 

[imamom]

Why do so many Catholic women marry non-Catholic men? Why are there so many Catholic women who come to Mass with their young children, yet NO HUSBAND present with them at Mass? Why do so many Catholic women ignore 2 Corinthians 6:14, and not make the fact that a man is a practicing Catholic an absolute prerequisite to even grant him a first date? Why do so many Catholic women not consider that he shares her Catholic faith to be a necessary non-negotiable personality trait in a life-time partner? I’m not here to make judgements or point fingers. I’m just seeking answers.

Um, I met my husband on the internet (telnet chat) back in 1996, me in college in New York, him at work in Sweden. I moved in with him in 1997, came back to the church in 1998, got married in church in 1999, started a family in 2005. I was not religious when I met him, and didn’t care what religion he was… And now, he enjoys goes going to Mass sometimes, but is there to watch our toddler son mostly, as our priest is from India, and it’s hard for him to understand the Swedish with an indian accent… so he can’t focus on the priest AND our son at the same time. We baptised our son in the RC church, and are raising him with good Christian values… but hubby is agnostic… and someday I am sure he’ll be Catholic someday, God and St Monica, willing.

 

[Belle10]

… the ending of the story… I received a decree of nullity and married a wonderful Catholic man… just celebrated our 2 yr anniversary.

How wonderful! Congratulations and thanks be to God for this happiness after all that suffering.

 

[imamom]

The main point is those not already married should be catechized and know the Church does not approve of mixed marriages and why. This is about why mixed marriage is viewed as “no big deal”. It is a big deal, and it is serious.

My priest, who did the pre-cana here in Sweden, a Brit, told me there is NO reason for my hubby to convert from Lutheran-Protestant to Catholicism because there isn’t THAT big a difference; compared to if I were marrying a man of Islam faith.

I’m quite happy with my marriage and we’re a very happy couple. Our marriage is picture perfect, regardless if he’s non-Catholic.

 

[Belle10]

My priest, who did the pre-cana here in Sweden, a Brit, told me there is NO reason for my hubby to convert from Lutheran-Protestant to Catholicism because there isn’t THAT big a difference; compared to if I were marrying a man of Islam faith.

I’m quite happy with my marriage and we’re a very happy couple. Our marriage is picture perfect, regardless if he’s non-Catholic.

Prepare yourself for an assault with words.

(not from me!)

 

[imamom]

AMEN!!!

When you ride the high horse, don’t forget you have a long way to fall if the ride gets bumpy. Be kind to others - many of us are trying our best to bring our spouses/family members to Jesus, and making us feel bad about loving non-Catholics isn’t very Christ-like.

 

[imamom]

Prepare yourself for an assault with words.

(not from me!)

Yea, it’s a shame. I guess Matthew 7:12 means nothing to some Catholics.