Catholic women marrying non-Catholic men

[beckers]

1ke, your post was deogratory as plainly pointed out by Belle10.

Belle10 we need to carry our own crosses and be yolked with Christ.

This thread reminds me of how my husband remarked how he felt some people were staring at him at church when he came with me one day and how uncomfortable it made him feel. There are some hardships when you marry someone outside of our faith. I won’t recommend it for my children, but it is their choice.

Here are the statistics in my family:

Mom & Dad both practicing = 3 out of 4 kids go to church
2 Sisters married both practicing = 0 out of 8 kids go to church
1 non practicing brother married to 1 non practicing catholic = divorce & annulment = 0 kids practicing out of 2

i am curious but how would anyone know that your husband wasn’t catholic? Did he wear a sign that said “Non-catholic”? I too have felt that people are staring at me. But I am not a church for them. i am at church for Jesus.

BTW–Your husband should be applauded for going to church with you.

 

[agapewolf]

You CAN help who you fall in love with. Love is an act of the will. Love is a decision… it is in no way an “accident”.

To dissect this even more, I’d like to approach the question in its bare basic form:

-I’m not talking about mixed marriages that have already happened:
-people who don’t have a strong faith, marry, and then have a re-version
- people who are not Catholic, but one converts later
-whatever other reason
-One more disclaimer: We all know that GOd can make good out of anything. He can perform miracles. God will use anything to help convert hearts…

Having said that:

No one should enter into the situation in hopes of that happening…

-The bare basics is a practicing strong faithful Catholic should not be discerning marriage with someone who is not one.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t friends with them. This means, that exclusive dating for the purpose of discerning marriage should not happen.

Marriage is for the purpose of getting the other spouse to heaven. (and getting the children there as well). Marriage is to example the trinity to others.

I will not consider a date with someone who thinks that contraception is ok. Why? Because if he doesn’t believe in the bare basics of self-giving, life-giving sacramental union, or understand why the reception of the Eucharist, together is so profound. then why should I trust my soul to him?

The 2 should be equally yoked. If not, then if there were to be a conversion, there is still a vertical relationship regarding faith (one brought the other in). This is one of the reasons why people aren’t supposed to be godparents of their converted spouse.

My office at the Church is on the hallway on the way to the adoration chapel. I can’t tell you how many people stop in and pour their hearts out to me about their gut wrenching heart aches. The biggest problem? Marriage issues …because one is a practicing Catholic and the other is not (either non-practicing, or a non-Catholic).

Just read the other threads on this site about people’s heart aches in regards to the spirituality of their marriage.

 

[St_Gabriel]

i am curious but how would anyone know that your husband wasn’t catholic? Did he wear a sign that said “Non-catholic”? I too have felt that people are staring at me. But I am not a church for them. i am at church for Jesus.

BTW–Your husband should be applauded for going to church with you.

Thank you. He did get a handshake from a loving priest. They must have assumed it because he doesn’t go regularly or he might have imagened it? I didn’t hear or see anything myself (too wrapped up in the joy & mystery. After mass my ribs were jabbed then too.

 

[St_Gabriel]

I have enough crosses and issues in my life in general so why as a single women would I choose to pick up a cross that is not intended for me?

I don’t think we choose our crosses. God chooses them for us. We just have to learn to accept them.

 

[beckers]

You CAN help who you fall in love with. Love is an act of the will. Love is a decision… it is in no way an “accident”.

To dissect this even more, I’d like to approach the question in its bare basic form:

-I’m not talking about mixed marriages that have already happened:
-people who don’t have a strong faith, marry, and then have a re-version

• people who are not Catholic, but one converts later
  -whatever other reason
  -One more disclaimer: We all know that GOd can make good out of anything. He can perform miracles. God will use anything to help convert hearts…

Having said that:

No one should enter into the situation in hopes of that happening…

-The bare basics is a practicing strong faithful Catholic should not be discerning marriage with someone who is not one.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t friends with them. This means, that exclusive dating for the purpose of discerning marriage should not happen.

Marriage is for the purpose of getting the other spouse to heaven. (and getting the children there as well). Marriage is to example the trinity to others.

I will not consider a date with someone who thinks that contraception is ok. Why? Because if he doesn’t believe in the bare basics of self-giving, life-giving sacramental union, or understand why the reception of the Eucharist, together is so profound. then why should I trust my soul to him?

The 2 should be equally yoked. If not, then if there were to be a conversion, there is still a vertical relationship regarding faith (one brought the other in). This is one of the reasons why people aren’t supposed to be godparents of their converted spouse.

My office at the Church is on the hallway on the way to the adoration chapel. I can’t tell you how many people stop in and pour their hearts out to me about their gut wrenching heart aches. The biggest problem? Marriage issues …because one is a practicing Catholic and the other is not (either non-practicing, or a non-Catholic).

Just read the other threads on this site about people’s heart aches in regards to the spirituality of their marriage.

Very well stated.

 

[beckers]

I don’t think we choose our crosses. God chooses them for us. We just have to learn to accept them.

But if choose to start a relationship with someone who doesn’t hold the same vaules and then choose to continue that realtionship then you have picked up and choosen a cross that you didn’t necessary need to carry. You can love someone but that doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship with them.

I will tell you the same man that dislike catholics also didn’t want any childern. Yes it hurt to end the relationship BUT it was the thing to do no matter how much i liked him. I would have hurt and put myself through so much pain and agony over being in a relationship that was not right.

 

[St_Gabriel]

Beckers,

Well then I have choosen my cross by your definition and I have accepted it instead of rejected it.

 

[Seatuck]

Some of you may find this Apostolic Letter from Paul VI on Mixed Marriages interesting.

catholicdoors.com/misc/marriage/mixed.htm

 

[Belle10]

I’ve think I’ve experienced the same thing when hearing/reading the words of various Catholics who hold strongly to Church teaching. They didn’t insult but neither did they soft peddle church teaching. They were just straightforward and I thought “how dare they judge me?” Well, objectively speaking, they weren’t; they were just giving it to the reader or listener straight. The discomfort I experienced was my conscience being awakened or being given a good stiff poke in the ribs.

Well, I’m surprised it took this many posts for someone to say this. :ehh:

I have no problem with my conscience regarding this issue. In fact, as I’ve stated in several other posts, I believe that part of my purpose in life is to bring Christ’s light to my husband, and, praise God, I’ve been seeing him drawing nearer.

The reason I got upset is because 1ke said that a Catholic in a mixed-marriage must be “foolish.” Well, if my Catholic priests approved, you can see why I’m OK with it, and not OK with being referred to as foolish. So, thanks for “giving it to me straight,” but I already got the message from two priests, my parents and family, and, more importantly, from God during the many, many hours spent in prayer before the marriage.

 

[Convert_in_99]

**That would be me! **

---

---

The short answer:

---

Because the Catholic men I met or talked to were either joining the seminary, taken (ie married/engaged), not interested, or not faithful.

---

**It’s much better to have a faithful, devout Protestant Christian husband than an unfaithful, lapsed Catholic one. IMHO **** **

---

**Maybe it’s not as “ideal”, but it can and does work, and it is just as sacramental as a catholic-catholic marriage. **

---

---

 

[onmyknees]

I strongly agree that finding a practicing, orthodox, Catholic spouse is the most important characteristic of a future spouse. I left my Catholic faith at 18 and married a non -Catholic, non-christian. After we had our two boys I wanted to go back to church but my husband would have nothing to do with churches or God. So I went a couple of times by myself and a few times with my young boys who hated it also. The father is the most influential example to their sons. So then I also stopped going. When I did go on Christmas or Easter it was so lonely. I came back to my faith after many years when I had a reconversion. Now I go to daily mass and adoration, confession once every 2 to 3 weeks. I volunteer at my parish and go to nursing homes. I’m in love with Jesus in the Eucharist. When I am home I feel like I can’t share any of this with my family cuz they just don’t get it and they don’t want to hear about it. I feel like I live two different lives and it breaks my heart. I pray for them every day. My husband and I also have to work out habits that may not be true to the teachings of the Catholic church. Marriage is hard enough without having to go through these extra stresses.

 

[imamom]

**Really? Then something is “up” with that, imho. **
birth control or insisting the kids go to mass or talked about sin or about the True Presence, or the pope or pergatory, or a dozen other things???

**I find it hard to believe one could feel strongly about such things with someone who also has strong differring beliefs and it never create any stress or some worries. **

Nope, he’s never wanted me to use birth control (I was the one who used depo-provera, of convienence, and enjoying not having my period LOL! no one MADE me use it, I used it back then.), he goes Mass with my son and I and enjoys learning about things I do as a Catholic. I am sure sooner or later he’s going to want to convert, once he feels “at home” in the Church (he’s only gone to Mass/Church since he’s been with me…). We’re raising my son with the Faith, too, since he’s baptised in the RC church… and I’ll be teaching him traditions etc here at home… and my husband is 100% fine with that

IMHO the MOTHER is the biggest influence on her Children. I mean, mine was. My Dad went to Church because my Mom wanted the family to. Sure he was an altar boy growing up but not at all a devout Catholic like my Mom was. And my Mom was the one who influenced me greatly in returning to the Church/Faith.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, as a single Catholic, I’d like to marry a fellow practicing Catholic, but it is truly a sad state when I meet non-Catholic Christians that make better Catholics than some Catholics I meet.

That being said, as someone who was considering marriage to a strong pro-life Christian (although not Catholic), there were some things that I was going over in my mind, such as how to raise the kids? What if she wants to go to her church on Sunday? And after years of looking back on the situation, what about that inevitable day when the kids would ask why grandma and grandpa belonged to a false church? (Please don’t jump all over me for that last remark, but let’s face facts - kids can have a way of blurting out things!).

That being said, when I see who some Catholics choose to date/marry, I have to ask, “WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?” The most obvious example was at a theology on tap last year when a young lady asked the presenter - an archdiocesan family life ministry official - for advice on dating a divorced person. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs “YOU DON’T!!!” but I just waited until after the talk to gently tell her that there is a possibility this guy is not even eligible and that she should consider giving a non-divorced single person a chance.

Now I have to make a comment about the following statement:

How do you know what God had planned for you if you had been more patient?

This is exactly the type of mentality that is resulting in unhealthy second-guessing, indecisiveness, and avoidance of taking responsibility for and sticking by one’s decisions. It can be a “cop out”. Additionally, the whole “micromanaging God” notion is questionable theology, as the cathechism states that we have the right to choose our spouses.

 

[St_Gabriel]

Some of you may find this Apostolic Letter from Paul VI on Mixed Marriages interesting.

catholicdoors.com/misc/marriage/mixed.htm

Thank you Seatuck. This is the most helpful reply on this thread. I can see how the church has been truely blessed with the gift of the Holy Spirit.

 

[beckers]

As a single catholic women, Being able to share my catholic faith with my future spouse is the #1 item (well besides being male) on my “list”. Coming from a divorced family I want to do everything possible to make sure I find someone I can spend my life with, someone who I can share my pains, crosses, happiness and joys with. Both my parents are catholic and are great people. They have a lot in common but they both admit that they should have been married to each other. I know that marriage is difficult and that within marriage there are many crosses that each spouse has to bare. For some that it is having the spouse be a different faith or their crazy job schedule or infertility etc. I am not putting down or judging those crosses or saying that you choose those crosses within your marriage. Some of them pop up like when one person converts and the other doesn’t or you weren’t strong in the faith at the time you meet your spouse and now you’re a revert and the list can go on and on. What I am trying to talk about is that a single person who is not in a relationship, should seriously thinking about the qualities that they want in a mate. Within dating we find out those things that become non-negotiable. Some of those are as simple as does he want children? This is the discussion. Should catholic, have dating another practicing catholic as one of those non-negotiable items? Part of me really says yes. As a women I don’t know how I can relate to someone on an deep emotional level, a level that would lead to possible marriage, if I could not share and feel that my faith was understood. How can I want to marry someone if they don’t understand why I pray the Rosary or go to mass randomly during the week, or understand why I might pop in for adoration or go to confession or understand the beauties of the sacraments in general. Those things help shape who I am as a person and not being able to share them…well I don’t think I have the strength to knowingly carry that cross. I don’t think that at this point in my life and after my own personal faith growth that I would be able to seriously consider a non-catholic as someone to marry or even date.

To all those who are married I hope and pray that God shower you abundantly with graces within your marriage.

 

[Brenda_V]

Well, I’m surprised it took this many posts for someone to say this. :ehh:

I have no problem with my conscience regarding this issue. In fact, as I’ve stated in several other posts, I believe that part of my purpose in life is to bring Christ’s light to my husband, and, praise God, I’ve been seeing him drawing nearer.

The reason I got upset is because 1ke said that a Catholic in a mixed-marriage must be “foolish.” Well, if my Catholic priests approved, you can see why I’m OK with it, and not OK with being referred to as foolish. So, thanks for “giving it to me straight,” but I already got the message from two priests, my parents and family, and, more importantly, from God during the many, many hours spent in prayer before the marriage.

As the Catholic half of a similar mixed marriage I did the same as Belle has here. There have been harsh words said, not truth, harsh words, about Catholics who have married non-Catholics. Truth is, it is not desirable to marry a non-Catholic but it is done. Truth is marrying a Faithful Catholic is most desirable. Saying those who married outside the faith were “foolish” or ‘poorly catechised’ is too much of a generalization for me, here we have at the minimum two who are not or are at least as well catechised as those saying this are who chose (yes, we chose) to Marry a non-Catholic but notice it was after much prayer and counciling, we did not enter our marriages lightly I am just curious as to how many of you who married a Catholic did the same before you married? How many of you spent hours in prayer, went to daily Mass to be near Jesus and ask Him for help with this decision?

I spent many hours at Mass and in prayer before I married my husband. We will be married 29 years this December. I was ready to cancel our Wedding had he not agreed to raising the children Catholic. I have two living daughters, one is practicing and looking for a good Catholic man, the other is non-practicing but is only 21 so I see potential. It has not been easy but because God is the center of our marriage it is easier. I continue to pray for the full conversion of my husband (he was agnostic when we met but went back to the faith he was raised in and I have to tell you if other Catholics acted more like they should, he may have converted already because he thinks I am the “unusual Catholic”!)

I will never say anyone who married a non-Catholic was foolish but I will say please find a good Catholic man/woman to marry if you are not married yet. The OP’s question was not about what someone should do but what someone has already done which is not what some keep getting back to!

Brenda V.

 

[Belle10]

As a single catholic women, Being able to share my catholic faith with my future spouse is the #1 item (well besides being male) on my “list”. Coming from a divorced family I want to do everything possible to make sure I find someone I can spend my life with, someone who I can share my pains, crosses, happiness and joys with. Both my parents are catholic and are great people. They have a lot in common but they both admit that they should have been married to each other. I know that marriage is difficult and that within marriage there are many crosses that each spouse has to bare. For some that it is having the spouse be a different faith or their crazy job schedule or infertility etc. I am not putting down or judging those crosses or saying that you choose those crosses within your marriage. Some of them pop up like when one person converts and the other doesn’t or you weren’t strong in the faith at the time you meet your spouse and now you’re a revert and the list can go on and on. What I am trying to talk about is that a single person who is not in a relationship, should seriously thinking about the qualities that they want in a mate. Within dating we find out those things that become non-negotiable. Some of those are as simple as does he want children? This is the discussion. Should catholic, have dating another practicing catholic as one of those non-negotiable items? Part of me really says yes. As a women I don’t know how I can relate to someone on an deep emotional level, a level that would lead to possible marriage, if I could not share and feel that my faith was understood. How can I want to marry someone if they don’t understand why I pray the Rosary or go to mass randomly during the week, or understand why I might pop in for adoration or go to confession or understand the beauties of the sacraments in general. Those things help shape who I am as a person and not being able to share them…well I don’t think I have the strength to knowingly carry that cross. I don’t think that at this point in my life and after my own personal faith growth that I would be able to seriously consider a non-catholic as someone to marry or even date.

To all those who are married I hope and pray that God shower you abundantly with graces within your marriage.

“Those things help shape who I am as a person and not being able to share them…well I don’t think I have the strength to knowingly carry that cross. I don’t think that at this point in my life and after my own personal faith growth that I would be able to seriously consider a non-catholic as someone to marry or even date.”

Beckers, I hope and pray you are able to find a Catholic man to spend your life with in marriage, and thank you for your prayers. As I said, of course I wish my husband were Catholic, for many reasons. But I love him and I trust God. I know I’m where I should be, and any sadness I feel in this area I unite with Christ’s suffering on the cross, and trust that one day, my Father will hear and my prayer.

I read this somewhere (it might have even been in one of the forums here, I just can’t remember!) and wanted to share it:

“Pray in confidence for your loved ones, knowing that the Lord is more concerned for them than you are and that He is willing to save them through faith in Jesus.” (1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Peter 3:9; 1 John 5:14-15)

God bless you.

 

[Belle10]

As the Catholic half of a similar mixed marriage I did the same as Belle has here. There have been harsh words said, not truth, harsh words, about Catholics who have married non-Catholics. Truth is, it is not desirable to marry a non-Catholic but it is done. Truth is marrying a Faithful Catholic is most desirable. Saying those who married outside the faith were “foolish” or ‘poorly catechised’ is too much of a generalization for me, here we have at the minimum two who are not or are at least as well catechised as those saying this are who chose (yes, we chose) to Marry a non-Catholic but notice it was after much prayer and counciling, we did not enter our marriages lightly I am just curious as to how many of you who married a Catholic did the same before you married? How many of you spent hours in prayer, went to daily Mass to be near Jesus and ask Him for help with this decision?

I spent many hours at Mass and in prayer before I married my husband. We will be married 29 years this December. I was ready to cancel our Wedding had he not agreed to raising the children Catholic. I have two living daughters, one is practicing and looking for a good Catholic man, the other is non-practicing but is only 21 so I see potential. It has not been easy but because God is the center of our marriage it is easier. I continue to pray for the full conversion of my husband (he was agnostic when we met but went back to the faith he was raised in and I have to tell you if other Catholics acted more like they should, he may have converted already because he thinks I am the “unusual Catholic”!)

I will never say anyone who married a non-Catholic was foolish but I will say please find a good Catholic man/woman to marry if you are not married yet. The OP’s question was not about what someone should do but what someone has already done which is not what some keep getting back to!

Brenda V.

Brenda, prayers for your husband and family

 

[Brenda_V]

Brenda, prayers for your husband and family

Thank you. I will pray for your family too, especially for the full conversion of your husband!

 

[FrankLawrence]

Wow, this topic got more replies than I had anticipated, and in less than 48 hours! Don’t worry, this was NOT a drive-by thread starting. Here I am to comment.

First, I want to thank you all for replying, as I know that it took courage for some of you. Second, I apologize if this thread caused anyone any anger or pain.

I pray for those who married outside the faith, that they can bring their husbands or wives to Christ and His Church, too.

At the same time, I would strongly discourage any single Catholic from even considering getting romantically involved with, much less marrying anyone who is either non-Catholic, or a “casual” or “fallen away” Catholic. I feel that a common united faith and prayer life make a marriage more than it could ever be without that common bond.

I know that for ME, I could never consider marrying anyone who wasn’t a devout Catholic. This is not a matter of bigotry at all, but requiring that we have the most important aspect of our lives in common. How could something as important as my faith be compromised just for the sake of getting married on MY timing rather than God’s. Sadly, in real life, I have never met even one eligible single woman who I know to be a devout Catholic. Still, I am going to trust that if God wills for me to marry, He will bring the devout Catholic woman that He has saved for me, into my life, and with my and her cooperation with God’s will, He will make it happen, on HIS timing.

As for the sub-topic that came up of should one spouse revert or convert to the Catholic Church if the other spouse isn’t yet ready, the answer is an absolute YES, as Lizaanne said. Marriage is only for this life. God is forever. We are NEVER to put our spouse or our marriage ahead of God. That would be idolatry.

Dr. Scott Hahn, one of the most influential warriors for Christ, today, converted before his wife was ready to convert. In fact, she even considered leaving him over it. Eventually, however, God moved her heart to convert to the Catholic Church, too. Had Scott waited for her to convert, however, she may never have converted, and Scott would have been in a state of mortal sin, denying what he knew to be true, for the sake of his wife. Dr. Scott Hahn’s conversion also was a very strong influence on Marcus Grodi’s conversion. Marcus Grodi’s “The Journey Home” show has influenced countless others to convert or revert back to the Catholic Church. I mention this, just to point out the impact that one person had, since he was willing to place God above his wife and marriage.

I DON’T feel that 1ke’s comments were out of line, when understood in the context that I believe he meant them. My take is that he was suggesting that good catechesis should include an understanding that it is ill-advised to marry outside our faith (2 Corinthians 6:14)

Still, God wills for marriages to stay together, so for those of you who are married to a non-Catholic, I pray an abundance of blessings upon your marriage, especially, the conversion of your spouse.