Catholic's and boundaries

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I was at my bible study last week and the topic was forgiveness. I am all for forgiveness but I also think if the person does not repent, I am under no obligation to get back in the cage with the lion.

Well, as luck would have it, that is the first time someone in the group did something to really anger me. I don’t want to give details because I don’t want to get off topic. However, after the study, a bunch of us stayed and talked. The person driving me home wanted to stay for a long time and out of politeness I said no problem. His wife then yelled at me in a very ‘flipping out sort of way’. We were having a discussion about a certain non-catholic topic and I expressed a view everyone already knew I had. And out of the blue this woman started flipping out and saying ‘no no no no no’ and really over-reacting. So I politely said ‘I don’t want to talk about this anymore’ so she softened her tone of voice and said ‘well I use to think like you but when you are ready to change the Virgin Mary will help you’ Then she started to tell me about all the things the Virgin Mary helped her sons with.

As far as I am concerned, when people say ‘When you are ready to change…’ that is the manipulative way of saying ‘You should see things my way…’

I was polite because they were driving me home. But the truth is, this has been eating away at me for over 4 days. I lost sleep the first 2 days after it happened. My whole life no one ever respected my boundaries and I really have a problem with people who can’t drop the topic after I have clearly said ‘I don’t want to talk about this’.

I also have been around this woman long enough to know she does gossip withtout realizing it ‘eg telling me who in the bible study can not have kids behind their back’. and she thinks she is helping me get to know them

I really want to assert myself but I don’t trust she will take me seriously. I don’t trust gossips as a rule but also coupled with the fact that no one ever respected my boundaries I don’t believe it exists.

So my fear is 10% 1-) she will be sorry and apologized and it will still take a while for my anger to cool down

90% 2-) She will come up with every excuse in the book to justify herself. If she does that I am at the point where I feel I would tell the hostest and I know the hostest will take her side. As welcoming as the hostest is, she is co-dependant. Her husband use to be an active alcoholic. He was done a great job in sobering up and becoming a good person however, she still has some of her co-dependant power trip behaviours she is not working on.

So all that to say please pray that God will guide me in my words and actions and help me accept the outcome

CM

 

[Wired]

Um, I really can’t give too much good advice about what happened, because, frankly, I can’t figure out what it is that offended you or the woman you speak of. However, it might help if you focus on your own emotions and your response to them. We really can’t judge the state of anyone’s soul but our own and it is a sin to do so. Misunderstandings do occur and some people don’t get along well with some others. That’s human nature, and I suspect that that is what happened here. The charitable response is to drop topics as respectfully as possible once it’s clear that anyone is reacting negatively and let it go and try to avoid topics in the future that may become contentious. We can’t do anything to change others–only ourselves.
Not to be rude, but you seem to be expecting more of others than you do yourself. You might not be aware of it, but your post does something that you disdain others for–you are gossiping about the others in your group with your discussion of alcoholism and codependency, etc. Take an honest look at what you need to change in your life and let others do the same.

 

[CDelphine]

Hi there. I’m going to say that personal forgiveness is not dependent on whether she repents. I mean, you’re not forgiving her sin (only God does that), you’re just forgiving the offense. You don’t even really have to ‘feel it’ in order to forgive her. I know that’s easier said than done, so you’re in my prayers.

In terms of how you feel, I think you should pay less attention to it. To how you feel, that is. It seems that this incident rattled you. But maybe it rattled you because she got a little hysterical, not because she actually *wronged *you. She said something that may have been rude, or even judgmental in a passive-aggressive way. But how did it actually wrong you or hurt you? Just because she flipped out, doesn’t make what she said true, or even effective against you. Just say to yourself, “wow, she really tripped out there.” No further action necessary.

God Bless you!!

 

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Um, I really can’t give too much good advice about what happened, because, frankly, I can’t figure out what it is that offended you or the woman you speak of. .

What offended me is after I directly told her I did not want to talk about it, rather than change the topic she continue to press her point

Not to be rude, but you seem to be expecting more of others than you do yourself. You might not be aware of it, but your post does something that you disdain others for–you are gossiping about the others in your group with your discussion of alcoholism and codependency, etc. Take an honest look at what you need to change in your life and let others do the same.

I can see how my post comes across that way. Let me clarify my intentions. My intentions is not to gossip. I did not mention names here and I would never say this to someone who knows her. My intention was more to evaluate how much I can expect from a person. Let me give you an example. I have a good friend who will often listen to me. However, he has health issues. When I know he is waiting for an operation, I don’t cry on his shoulders because I don’t think I can expect anything from him. At that point in life he needs more than he can give. So by stating she appears to be co-dependant, I am simply trying to evaluate how much she can be there for me emotionally before I trust and get hurt again.

Does that make sense?

CM

 

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It seems that this incident rattled you.

The reason the incident really rattle me is because I was in a very abusive friendship where my boundaries were being violated left right and center. But that is a topic for a whole other post. And her pressing the issue after I said I don’t want to talk about it triggered me

CM