Catholics and Muslims? HELP!

[gem54]

ok, i’m new at this (just signed up today). i have been Catholic all my life and am actively involved in my church. i teach the Confirmation class in our CCD program - this will be my 5th year in Sept. needless to say, i love being Catholic; it’s where my heart is. however, my boyfriend, well, now fiance, is Muslim. he was raised baptist - his family is still baptist and aren’t that happy about his decision to follow islam. i really love this man. he is very accepting of my religion and is very spiritual. but i can’t help but feel like our marriage will not work because of the obvious faith differences. my parents are unhappy about it, but acknowledge that it is my decision. i am so lost!!! i have dreamed my whole life of getting married in my church by my pastor and raising my children as Catholics. any advice would be much apppreciated.

 

[Gerry_Hunter]

What struck me about your predicament was your closing sentence, “i have dreamed my whole life of getting married in my church by my pastor and raising my children as Catholics.”

If anything in the situation precludes any of those things happening, then you should seriously consider biting the bullet and stepping away from the relationship.

Can it be a good situation if it precludes your being married in the Church? Can it be a good situation if your children cannot be raised Catholic? I hope the answer to those questions is so obvious, if painful, that the questions are virtually rhetorical.

One final note. The man in question, as fine as some of his attributes may well be, is not someone who has never known Christ. He is one who has turned his back on him. Can this be good?

Above all, pray, and pray like mad!

Every blessing,

Gerry

 

[LDNCatholic]

How orthodox a Muslim is he? As a Catholic you have a moral duty as a Christian and a mother to raise the children as Catholics. However, as a Muslim, he has the same duty to raise your children as Muslims. Discuss it with him. Hopefully he will not see a problem in having the children raised Christian. I pray that things will work out for both of you according to God’s will. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.
Peter

 

[gem54]

One final note. The man in question, as fine as some of his attributes may well be, is not someone who has never known Christ. He is one who has turned his back on him. Can this be good?

First, thank you Gerry and Peter for your replies. Gerry - that’s something that has weighed heavy on my mind for a while. We’ve had a long in-depth conversation as to why he converted. He told me he had questions that could not be answered in Christianity and did research. (I later found out all the research he did was from Muslim reading material, etc., so I believe that’s a bit one-sided). I feel as though he lost his faith, as people sometimes do. But rather than trying to find it and renew his relationship with Jesus, he turned from it.
He is happy being Muslim; he says it changed his life. And I respect that because he’s in touch with his faith and his spirituality. But I just don’t know if I can continue to grow in mine with him going another direction.

As far as children, we have discussed this, and he wants our children to be raised knowing both faiths, and then making the decision for themselves. I don’t particularly like that idea - maybe because my household, my father was the spiritual leader in our home and we all grew in our faith and learned about it together. But we have to compromise.

I guess I’m hoping that this is a phase, that he’ll turm back to Christ, and we’ll live happily ever after.

 

[FightingFat]

Why has he rejected Christ? Do you hold out any hope for his returning to Christianity?

 

[LDNCatholic]

It seems a fair compromise to grow up knowing the tenets of the two faiths. But what about baptism? Is he comfortable with your children being baptised in the Trinity? Also depending on the sect of Islam/how orthodox he is, any sons you may have may have to be circumcised before puberty in order to take part in any festivals. Are you comfortable with that? I know quite a few people who grew up with a Christian mother and a Muslim father. They turned out OK, but unfortunately I don’t think they practice either faith. Mind you I think that is more a result of the surrounding secularism than their upbringing.

 

[kage_ar]

Please do a search on these fora, you will get some good insight from those who have attempted to travel the road you are considering.

 

[Gerry_Hunter]

As far as children, we have discussed this, and he wants our children to be raised knowing both faiths, and then making the decision for themselves. I don’t particularly like that idea - maybe because my household, my father was the spiritual leader in our home and we all grew in our faith and learned about it together. But we have to compromise.

Oh, I urge you to be very careful about that one. It’s a variation on the horrible thesis that was drifting about when my wife and I first got married. “Don’t impose your values on your child. Equip them to formulate their own.”

Yeah, right. Dr. James Dobson blew that one out of the water quite nicely. He pointed out that if one was not interested in passing on one’s values to children, there were plenty of other people out there who were more than eager to pass on theirs, and well before the children ever became adults. As with values, so with faith.

Blessings,

Gerry

 

[Ramalama]

“Don’t impose your values on your child. Equip them to formulate their own.”

Tell me about it. I did this to my children. I pray the rosary every night and ask Jesus to guide them to the Holy Catholic Church. There is no way to express the grief I feel over this sin.

Gem54, letting them decide their faith for themselves is one of those things that sounds right but doesn’t work in practice. Your children need Jesus! (Hey, you asked on a Catholic forum, what did you expect?) Please don’t do this to your children. I will pray for you.

 

[1ke]

ok, i’m new at this (just signed up today). i have been Catholic all my life and am actively involved in my church. i teach the Confirmation class in our CCD program - this will be my 5th year in Sept. needless to say, i love being Catholic; it’s where my heart is. however, my boyfriend, well, now fiance, is Muslim. he was raised baptist - his family is still baptist and aren’t that happy about his decision to follow islam.

I am sorry to hear that he has rejected Christ.

i really love this man. he is very accepting of my religion and is very spiritual. but i can’t help but feel like our marriage will not work because of the obvious faith differences. my parents are unhappy about it, but acknowledge that it is my decision. i am so lost!!!

Step away. Look at this objectively. You do not believe the same thing about GOD. That is the most fundamental thing in your life-- God.

From there, it just goes downhill. And, you do know Muslims are required to raise their children Muslim?

i have dreamed my whole life of getting married in my church by my pastor and raising my children as Catholics. any advice would be much apppreciated.

My advice: break off the engagement and find a CATHOLIC (not a Baptist, not a “nothing” and certainly not a Muslim).

You need to share your faith, values, and life with the person who will be your husband. You will be responsible for the souls of your children. The purpose of the marriage vocation is to work together for God’s kingdom through the raising of children and service to the Church.

You will **not **be working together for the kingdom, as he doesn’t even believe in the Kingdom of God.

I mean really, do you have to ask what the right thing is to do here?

 

[1ke]

As far as children, we have discussed this, and he wants our children to be raised knowing both faiths, and then making the decision for themselves. I don’t particularly like that idea -

As a Catholic you CANNOT agree to such a thing.

But we have to compromise.

No, you do not “have to compromise”. What you have to do is put your head on straight and understand that there is no compromise.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

Gem54, letting them decide their faith for themselves is one of those things that sounds right but doesn’t work in practice. Your children need Jesus! (Hey, you asked on a Catholic forum, what did you expect?) Please don’t do this to your children. I will pray for you.

I agree with this 100%. My parents were non-practicing Catholic and Protestant, and they let us kids “choose.” Much to my dad’s dismay, I am Catholic (he is, too). My siblings are “nothing,” never been baptized, and cause my parents constant grief with the drama in their lives caused by a broken moral compass.

I am in constant fear for all of my family members’ souls (especially my unbaptized siblings), and pray for them often.

 

[melensdad]

Well I am certainly not in the same situation you are in, but I am married to a non-Catholic. My wife is an Episcopalian and has no desire to become Catholic unless the two churches unite.

However, we were friends for several years before we started dating, we dated for several years before marriage and we worked out everything IN ADVANCE. We raise our daughter as a Catholic. As a family we attend Catholic Church. We even socialize with our priest outside of church and he didn’t even realize that my wife was not a Catholic because my wife participates in a full Catholic life (with the exception of Communion). We were active in the church school when my daughter was attending it and we are still active in many activities. So we worked through our decision and we have no problems, and I mean no problems with it.

You need to do the same and I would STRONGLY urge you do start working these issues out RIGHT NOW. For your sake, you need to make it clear what your NEEDS are (notice I did not say desires or wishes?). He needs to understand that you are not going to allow your children to be raised in a faith other than the Catholic faith.

I know many Christians who married Jewish people and tried to raise their children knowing both faiths**. Frankly it does not work. The children grow up without faith!** They feel pulled in opposite directions and cannot understand 2 opposing faiths. In each case I know, the children simply gave up on faith. And in most cases the parents walked away from their faiths too.

** One thing you need to understand is that to compromise on this issue is actually to give in.**

Compromise does not work. You are either going to raise your children as Christian Catholics or you are not. They will either know the glory of Jesus or they will not.

Worse yet is “letting the kids choose” because I know of very few children who embrace the religion. What they do is tolerate it and learn from your example and eventually they realize the grace of the Church.

But if the example you set is one that does not show a strong conviction to raise them as Catholic, then what will they follow? If the example you set is one that does not show complete faith in Jesus, then what will they follow?

 

[StratusRose]

Religious and secular sources say that incompatiblity with religions are dealbreakers when it comes to marriage. Especially when both parties are devout to their own religions. I think you are down with a case of “wishful thinking.” I am sure your fiance is a wonderful man, but try to see yourself 5 years from now. God should be THE #1 in your life, and it seems to me, He is taking a backseat to your impending marriage. I could understand if he were at least a Chrisitian, Christian dogma is completely inconsistant with Islam. Bringing children into this relationship would be difficult, and down the road they will be really confused as to why mom and dad are playing “religion tug-of-war.”

 

[melensdad]

Religious and secular sources say that incompatiblity with religions are dealbreakers when it comes to marriage.

This is a good point and people don’t often consider this. But if you look at statistics consider this.

If you start with the premise that 50% of the marriages end in divorce, consider also that . . .

• If you are of different faiths, your odds of divorce are greater than if you are of the same faith
• If you are both of the same faith your odds of divorce are lower than if you are of no faith at all
• If you are both children of divorced parents, your odds of divorce are greater than if only one of you is from a broken family
• If one of you is from a broken family, your odds of divorce are greater than if are both from stable households
• If you have divorced friends your odds of divorce are greater than if you have married friends

 

[gem54]

thank you everyone for your responses and support. i think sometimes, you know something in your heart, but your head does not listen, and everything that has been running through my mind is coming out in your comments. believe it or not, he and i have had this conversation before, and he always says something that i think makes me feel guilty - that he is accepting of my religion, why can’t i be tolerant of his. if we break up over belonging to 2 different religions, is that christian-like? i feel like i’m discriminating against him.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

i feel like i’m discriminating against him.

Nope, you are not discriminating against him, you are choosing Christ! Your choice to love God above all else will not go unnoticed, Gem.

He’s asking you to sacrifice the souls of your future children. That’s not tolerance for Islam, that’s rejection of our Lord. Deep down, you already know that, I think.

You really sound like you’re on the right path!! Bless you!

 

[kage_ar]

You would be follow what we are told in Scripture - not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (chapter and verse fail me, I will look it up when I get home…)

A Christian should ALWAYS love God more than any other person, that includes boyfiends or husbands. God comes first, just tell your boyfriend that - and that you want your boyfriend to love God more than you as well!

 

[Catholig]

thank you everyone for your responses and support. i think sometimes, you know something in your heart, but your head does not listen, and everything that has been running through my mind is coming out in your comments. believe it or not, he and i have had this conversation before, and he always says something that i think makes me feel guilty - that he is accepting of my religion, why can’t i be tolerant of his. if we break up over belonging to 2 different religions, is that christian-like? i feel like i’m discriminating against him.

Gem54,

I’m really not in any position to tell you what to do with your life (I’m 17), however I think it would be horrible to make the comprise “let’s raise them in both faiths” or “let’s let them decide when they’re old enough”. The reason is that you’re children simply won’t be catholic - or if they will be it’ll be after much struggle. Imagine - every sacrament would be a battle. They might not go through CCD with everyone else. They might not receive communion or partake in the sacrament of confession. They might not be confirmed.

I"m not saying an inter-faith marriage won’t work - but if you try to do either of the above compromises it won’t be good for the children.

Also one caveat is that while I don’t know your fiance I’ve heard terrible things about dominating Islamic men. I mean - there’s a movie called “Not without my daughter” by LifeTime that illustrates this. The plot being that this woman marries an muslim and he moves the family to the middle east. And I talked to one person quite a while ago (through yahoo germany) who said that a niece or something of hers married a muslim and basically left the church.

As for being accepting - I don’t thing we can be accepting. We acknowledge only one true faith. If we are wishy-washy our kids might not grow up in this faith.

Catholig

 

[melensdad]

. . . and he always says something that i think makes me feel guilty - that he is accepting of my religion, why can’t i be tolerant of his.

Well is he really being accepting or is he holding his ground until you cave in and allow your children to be brought up in a situation that pulls them apart spiritually?

if we break up over belonging to 2 different religions, is that christian-like? i feel like i’m discriminating against him.

WOW, he is doing some sort of a number on your mind to even think about questions like this. How tolerant is the Muslim religion if the Sunnis and the Shiites keep blowing up each other’s mosques? How tolerant is the Muslim religion if they shoot Catholic priests/nuns/deacons and do forced conversions of Christians? — these things are happening right now, not things that occurred 500 years ago, where is this so-called tolerance? I think Christians are way too tolerant when we accept that they can murder us and we feel guilty about being intolerant???

How are you discriminating against someone who wants to raise your kids in a way that will teach them that Christ is not the savior when all you want is for the children to grow up with Christ as Catholics? You are not saying he cannot be their father, you are just saying that they cannot be taught a religion that will confuse them, send them messages that Christ is not the Savior, and probably lead them away from any church.