Catty comments from family

[dconklin]

Stop explaining yourself. Stop fretting over dividing up time. Stop worrying about what other people think.

Live your life.

Put family on notice that you are not taking any more cr*p from any of them. Then follow through.

While the last line is a bit strong for me, I like what 1ke has to say. I t is definitely part of the maturation process. There are people out there that have way to much anger in their lives and most of are related to someone with this problem. Learn to just smile and nod.

I have a relative that is a complainer. If they are speaking, a complaint about something will be uttered. People complain to spread misery - both perceived and actual. After years of trying to defend whatever they are complaining about (they even went off on me once), I learned to just smile and nod.

 

[EasterJoy]

Guilt: effectively used by mothers for over 5,000 years, it’s whats for dinner.

I used to teach kids in catechism class that guilt is like a smoke alarm. Just because it is going off does not mean that the fire department needs to be called. When you feel guilty about something, you ought to examine your conscience, by all means. When you have found you have committed no sin, though, you have to learn to turn off that blaring noise.

Do you explain to a smoke alarm that it is in error? Do you take the batteries out? Usually not. Sometimes you have a cobweb to take out of it, sometimes you figure out how to keep the smoke from whatever you’re cooking away from it, but sometimes you just wave a towel around or else just put up with the noise until it stops. As long as you know it is only an alarm and not the voice of God, this is something that can be learned.

I’d say that dealing with people who complain works like that. It is wise to consider whether they have a good point or not, but you do not owe them the results of your considerations. That only encourages them to offer “feedback” on your moral life. Excepting those who actually have an office to correct you, that is usually a bad idea. Being able to take criticism is not at all the same as indescriminately asking for it!

OP, many people get criticism they don’t want from people who have no business criticizing them. They have people who make valid complaints but who do so in rude or counter-productive ways. The best way to handle this, IMHO, is to take what profit there is to be had from the feedback, and to unceremoniously and without apology just let the rest float by. If they think you are as stupid as a cow, oh well. If you can have the humility to let go of the need to defend yourself to those who don’t deserve an explanation and to just let their complaints roll off your back while they flap their lips and get all worked up, it makes life much better. (It works well to learn this skill before you have teenagers, believe me!! )

 

[Cricket2]

Guilt: effectively used by mothers for over 5,000 years, it’s whats for dinner.

You could try going more negative against her it would be kind of fun… when she says you are not spending enough time there, cry and start saying “I know, I know, I am a horrible (daughter), you are so right. Oh no… Oh no… what am I going to do? I have neglected my (family, mom, grandmother, etc.). You must hate me… (pause and wait for the “no, no… oh sweetie”) You must really hate me, I am such a loser. You don’t deserve to be around me, I am only bringing you down. I’ll show myself out. I only wish I could live up to your expectations and been the (daughter) you always wanted. No… deserved. BAWAAAH…!!” Continue to ball and run off. When they call to say they haven’t seen you too much say “I just can’t stand to think of what I have put you through, I need more… time. Yes, I need more (pause for effect) time.” Then, hang up. Problem solved. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?

Now this is a naughty idea, but I like it. Kind of similar to mine, but a bit more daring. Sometimes those who are always yelling for all the attention need to have something just like this happen so they get the point.

My paternal grandmother was terrible with this sort of thing and even faked illness to get attention. One time she was truly ill, but all of her “cry wolf” behavior in the past left me doubting her need for attention and I left for work thinking nothing of her display of illness. I got to work 30 minutes later and my phone was ringing.

It was my sister calling to say an ambulance was taking grandma to the hospital. She was in congestive heart failure and almost died. Let’s just say a lot of her faking of illness stopped after that. We were luck she made it, and I had the honor of caring for her for several years after that, until her death.

 

[shainski]

Guilt: effectively used by mothers for over 5,000 years, it’s whats for dinner.

You could try going more negative against her it would be kind of fun… when she says you are not spending enough time there, cry and start saying “I know, I know, I am a horrible (daughter), you are so right. Oh no… Oh no… what am I going to do? I have neglected my (family, mom, grandmother, etc.). You must hate me… (pause and wait for the “no, no… oh sweetie”) You must really hate me, I am such a loser. You don’t deserve to be around me, I am only bringing you down. I’ll show myself out. I only wish I could live up to your expectations and been the (daughter) you always wanted. No… deserved. BAWAAAH…!!” Continue to ball and run off. When they call to say they haven’t seen you too much say “I just can’t stand to think of what I have put you through, I need more… time. Yes, I need more (pause for effect) time.” Then, hang up. Problem solved. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?

Now, I would do exactly the opposite. But I would just be as positive and upbeat as possible while not giving anything.

“I am sad that we can’t spend more time with you. I so much love the time we do spend with you. I wish it were possible.” but I would say it in a sincere and upbeat way. DO NOT explain what you have to do instead. You just tell them exactly what it is you are willing or desire to commit - but do it in such a positive way that it is hard to argue with. and every time the same guilt trip comes up, say the positive words again.

But, it doesn’t really matter what you say as long as you set boundaries, and don’t give in on them. (You have to find your own style that fits your personality). But I think everyone here is saying the same thin g- giving in doesn’t appease them, and it make make it worse.

After the new dynamics of how you deal with holidays is understood, it will eventually become easier. But, as long as your family feels that there is hope that they can change your plans, they may keep trying.

 

[coachdennis]

This is where I strongly disagree. You and your husbands have the right to talk back. Your parents and in-laws might be trying to cash in on their status and don’t want to give up control of their kids. But now that you are adults, whether they like it or not, you no longer bow to their rules.

Respecting elders is not catering to their childish ways

Unless these people are mentally incompetent, they are responsible and accountable for the words they use.

As others have said, live YOUR life

 

[EasterJoy]

Now, I would do exactly the opposite. But I would just be as positive and upbeat as possible while not giving anything.

“I am sad that we can’t spend more time with you. I so much love the time we do spend with you. I wish it were possible.” but I would say it in a sincere and upbeat way. DO NOT explain what you have to do instead. You just tell them exactly what it is you are willing or desire to commit - but do it in such a positive way that it is hard to argue with. and every time the same guilt trip comes up, say the positive words again.

But, it doesn’t really matter what you say as long as you set boundaries, and don’t give in on them. (You have to find your own style that fits your personality). But I think everyone here is saying the same thin g- giving in doesn’t appease them, and it make make it worse.

After the new dynamics of how you deal with holidays is understood, it will eventually become easier. But, as long as your family feels that there is hope that they can change your plans, they may keep trying.

Whether with children or adults, I think the best way to set and enforce boundaries is in the most non-dramatic way possible. Even if you are appalled at the person’s chutzpah, you stick to the job of putting the boundary up or turning away people who try to sneak across it, and you don’t get into conversations about whether the boundary is wrong, whether you wish you could move it or not, or any of that. When you can’t talk back, you don’t. You let them talk, and you don’t change a thing as a result. If you are provoked into answering, you can say “I’m sorry you feel that way, because we had no intention of short-changing you. We are doing the best we can, I can assure you.” You can repeat as often as you like, but just letting the matter drop is the goal, even if you think they are right. You do not want to invite them to think that their nasty feedback is wanted or that it gets them anywhere. If you feel like taking their complaint into account on whatever merit it has in the future, that is fine, but there is nothing to be gained by actually elaborating on what you mean by “doing the best we can,” let alone by making any concessions as a direct result of rude complaints.

 

[Cricket2]

I was in the Air Force when we got married. We didn’t have that problem (our two families were 750 miles apart, but even if we would have had that problem, my being stationed in Japan would have taken care of it

My father once advised his three children as follows: If you get married make sure to pick a place to live in which you are at least 1000 miles from either parents. He explained that it was not up to him or mom, or our spouses parents to run our lives, and that distance between either would make it a lot easier to establish our own rules, traditions and way of life.

 

[maryjk]

My father once advised his three children as follows: If you get married make sure to pick a place to live in which you are at least 1000 miles from either parents. He explained that it was not up to him or mom, or our spouses parents to run our lives, and that distance between either would make it a lot easier to establish our own rules, traditions and way of life.

Or, simply stand up for your right to be an adult.

You don’t have to move away.

Just be the adult that you claim to be.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Just remember, it’s their crazy way of saying, “I love you.”

I’d cut off my hand with a rusty knife to be able to pick up the phone call my grandmother, or some other recently-departed family members. I’d love to have the chance to hear their voices, even for passive-aggressive comments! But this time I’d have the grace to smile and say, “I’m sorry you feel that way… Hey! Did you hear that we’re supposed to have warm weather this weekend? Grandma, do you mind if the kids and I come visit? I made a huge pot of vegetarian chili and some cornbread I’d like to bring to you!”

Enjoy them now. Don’t take their lack of tact or giving you the benefit of the doubt seriously. Smile. Love them. Humor them. Keep your joy and equanimity.

Be as patient and unflappable as the poor people around me have had to be over the years!!!

:hug1:

SM

 

[EasterJoy]

This was something my in-laws figured out when my son was born.

We too, used to run around every holiday. Christmas Eve with one family, Mass with them, then spend the night. Christmas Day with another. Making sure we didn’t show up too late because the in-laws were looking at their watch. Trying to explain that Easter was a religious holiday. That yes, we did like chocolate and candy, but Mass was important.

It got ugly.

Then we put our foot down.

We will travel Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. We will only travel to one side of the family each year, if it is not your year and you want to see us, come on over. We will not spend the night with anyone. We will sleep at our own house. Extended family? We love you but we refuse to spend our Christmas bopping around the entire state. Want to see us? Make it a different day.

My husband told his parents that they only started celebrating Easter because of our son. And the only celebrated the bunny part of it. And since we saw Easter as a religious holiday, we would be spending it with others that felt the same way. We could meet up with them the next weekend.

All of that to say, I agree that there is no reason that you can’t talk to your family. Talk back to them? No. Respond to their comments? Of course you can.

You are describing a sane response to an insane set of expectations. Claiming a sane life isn’t easy, but it beats the alternative all to pieces!

 

[1ke]

While the last line is a bit strong for me, I like what 1ke has to say.

well, I did not mean they should **literally **say that. Simply that the family must be taught boundaries and respect. The OP will continue to be a doormat until such time as she decides not to be a doormat and informs her family of how things will be going forward.

 

[EasterJoy]

well, I did not mean they should **literally **say that. Simply that the family must be taught boundaries and respect. The OP will continue to be a doormat until such time as she decides not to be a doormat and informs her family of how things will be going forward.

Exactly. You can mean “H&%l no, and a thousand times NO!”, but all you have to say is, “no.” The rest is in your perseverance, not your words or the bombast you put into them.

The less dramatic, in fact, the better. As the Lord said, “Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No.’ Anything more is from the evil one.” (Matt. 5:37)