Caught Cheating and Desparate to Save My Marriage

[Dan_Daly]

How have your 3 marriages come about? Are your first two wives dead? If living, was either marriage valid?

You need to figure out what your marital status is. The woman you think is your wife, may be no such person.

 

[Dan_Daly]

I understand what you are saying, but it’s not an ingrained characteristic, just culturally encouraged. The French are the same way. And the Greeks. Cheating by men is expected and to a large extent, tolerated by society and by the wives. If an Italian man with that kind of cultural expectation marries an American woman who believes that no infidelity is ever OK, then you have problems.

That’s true, but if a man like that, of whatever nationality, marries a woman who does think infidelity is ok…you STILL HAVE PROBLEMS. Adultery is adultery. A wife or husband does not have the authority to permit violations of the marriage by their spouse. And actually, if a spouse was “permitting” such behavior, you’d have bigger problems- two spouses in mortal sin instead of one.

Pax

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s true, but if a man like that, of whatever nationality, marries a woman who does think infidelity is ok…you STILL HAVE PROBLEMS. Adultery is adultery. A wife or husband does not have the authority to permit violations of the marriage by their spouse. And actually, if a spouse was “permitting” such behavior, you’d have bigger problems- two spouses in mortal sin instead of one.

Pax

I completely agree with you. These cultures handle their known sins in some way I don’t understand. Perhaps the very devout Catholics do not keep mistresses or cheat on their wives. I know that in France, for example, the Church is not a very important part of most people’s lives although if you ask, they will tell you that they are Catholic. So I do not know if they consider sin in their daily lives at all.

For me, infidelity of this kind would be deeply distressing. Where I am in my marriage, it would almost be expected, because we have had problems for a few years now. I would not blame it 100% on my husband, IOW. But I could not simply turn a blind eye or pretend it didn’t bother me.

 

[e3342]

My husband’s mother’s family is all Italian-American. They are the most warm, loving, and loyal people I know. To our knowledge, only his great-aunt (one out of five) was cheated on (her husband had another family - he also had mafia connections.) The cheating had nothing to do with him being Italian. It had to do with him not showing proper respect for his wife and family, and being a criminal thug.

Ethnicity does not determine behavior. Culture can have a strong influence, and it may be possible that your local Italian community may be incredibly insular and that it teaches men that this is an appropriate way to treat women. But to try and place the “blame” on a person’s supposed, not even confirmed, ethnic background is “stretching it” at a minimum.

Again, I’m just calling them as I see them in my life. And yes, all these cheaters were extremely charismatic.

 

[Rose71]

I think the fact that you and your wife have been able to discuss the problem frankly and openly is a very positive thing and you are both to be applauded for it.

The cultural aspect is interesting, because to be perfectly honest, I have felt like never visiting this site again a few times because the way I perceive my faith and the way I view some situations often seems totally at odds with the views of Catholics from the USA and Canada (I’m English)

Sometimes, it’s just the language and the way people put their points accross; but other times, it is the actual definition of how we, as Catholics, should lead our lives.

I might even start another thread

 

[ephesians610]

Giving a response from the female perspective. I was addicted to sexting/chat/etc. with strangers for some weird sort of reassurance that I am “normal”. I basically gave them what they wanted (dirty chat) but was more in need of acceptance than anything. I even asked them questions about their relationships and faith on other occasions. I recently have been diagnosed with ADHD which sometimes a symptom is problems with “self regulating” such as controlling impulses and urges, also obsessive thinking. My obsessive thinking is typically on the topic of ‘why do I do things that I don’t want to do’ and either beating myself up about it or attempting to rationalize my behavior by finding fault with my husband or life circumstances that would make me fall for such an addiction.

I find that I am very happy in my relationship. I am just not happy in my self image. I also have problems letting past sins go after I’ve confessed them and was given absolution (and also forgiven by spouse).

I have gone to confession and the priest suggested I read the vision/testimony of Gloria Polo. That was enough to scare me straight! I have not returned to a dirty chat type activity since, although I still overshare personal matters, either for shock value or attention or approval. I am getting better at biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut, but am not always successful.

I am also seeking treatment for my ADHD which was misdiagnosed as generalized anxiety disorder and performance anxiety. My hope is that with proper treatment I can think before blurting out random thoughts and sharing inappropriate content and that I can be content with knowing that God is pleased with me and not find myself seeking the approval of others, particularly strangers!

I have been an extroverted, people pleasing, approval seeking gal with inferiority complex for a long time. At age 40 I’m hoping to finally find peace in the approval of God alone.

 

[Irishmom2]

ephesians610,

Welcome to CAF! I see you are new here. Welcome. Please be advised that this thread is over a year old. The last post before yours was in Sept of 2011. They do not like members to drag up old posts. Luckily, there are many others to choose from–something for everyone!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

New member, Welcome!

But please start a new thread so that your post isn’t lost and so that people don’t start responding to the original poster and problem.

 

[ephesians610]

Sorry, I wasn’t even looking at dates and just assumed subjects had activity whenever someone jumped in. I will start a new thread somewhere. Would like to hear from anyone who posted back then.