Caught Cheating and Desparate to Save My Marriage

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RVGiancarlo said:
I don’t know that I have ever had a trusting relationship. I’ve always taken care of myself and relied on myself for everything. Not knowing any better I didn’t think anything of the people in my life staying isolated from me.

The women on line can’t be trusted so I don’t trust others? Interesting but seems too simplistic. Easy to blame others but I won’t go with that completely. While they certainly can’t be trusted, I also know that I have issues that need to be addressed. You would be saying I see my wife as one of those women.
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Hi, I know you are puzzled by your behavior but you really need to work on these questions and issues with a trained counselor, not by a bunch of nice Catholics on an internet forum! It sounds as if you have reasons for your adulterous behavior previously, perhaps from your childhood, or choosing sin, and now you are trying to change but are tempted. You can explore the reasons with someone who can help in more specific ways than we can. Trusting a counselor might be a challenge for you, but I would urge you to do it. You would learn your motivations for doing what you do, and it might help you to truly make those changes you say you want to make. The first step of learning to trust the counselor alone would help you with your wife.

You can do marriage counseling together but you should work on your issues yourself. You bring your own issues into the relationship.

Ignore the poster who told you to leave your wife. That is the WRONG advice for someone who has been leaving women his whole life as you have.
 
Thank you all for your insights and opinions except for “datrysix”. Leaving my wife now and starting anew is the absolute wrong thing to do. That is the easiest thing to do and to treat marriage AGAIN as something you just throw away if you don’t like it is WRONG. Add to that the fact that I truly am very much in love with my wife and that won’t be happening. Thanks for taking the time to respond but I am summarily dismissing your suggestion.

To “Luvz2travel” getting rid of my internet service would also be very easy but as I stated I was in a public internet cafe when I did this. I rely on the internet to communicate with my company and to solicit opinions from people like you and to research professional help, which, “TheRealJuliane”, is exactly what I am doing as well.

Thank you for your honesty and I do realize that anyone can say and post anything they want here so I am also seeking professional help and have appointments made. I guess it would be easier to trust a stranger with my feelings because it’s their job to judge and diagnose. They can also take all my BS that I fling at them where my wife shouldn’t have to put up with that, but as I said she does.

And finally to “Kindness” you hit the nail on the head when you said “have the humility to know we all need help”. I told my wife just before that, I would be accountable to her if I even thought of straying and no sooner had I said that, I did. I told her if any thoughts ever came to mind I would tell her and I guess at the time I said that, since I hadn’t thought like that in years I didn’t think I would need to go to her. WRONG. I NEED HER AND WILL NOT HESITATE.

All that being said, how do I save this marriage? She is still very un-trusting (rightfully so), she thinks the worst of every situation and now nothing I say is truth because there have been so many lies. I would love to just start fresh and wipe everything out but we can’t do that, so what is the next best thing?

Thank you all again.
 
You may not be able to. That’s the raw truth. She has the ability to decide if she wants a divorce. I hope she doesn’t. If you really want to save your marriage, and you are getting counseling, that should be a sign to her that you are serious. And if she will go to marriage counseling with you, then you are doing all you can. Pray with her. Be honest with her (but don’t go into details). Don’t lean on her too hard, make her into your reason for staying away from temptation. You have to do that for yourself. Take it one day at a time.
 
RVGiancarlo said:
All that being said, how do I save this marriage? She is still very un-trusting (rightfully so), she thinks the worst of every situation and now nothing I say is truth because there have been so many lies. I would love to just start fresh and wipe everything out but we can’t do that, so what is the next best thing?
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That is the question. It’s going to take some time.

Giancarlo, I’ve been on your side of this and your wife’s. I have no answers and I’m exhausted from analysing myself and my actions. Hang in there. Pray. Get hobbies. Stay busy. Surround yourself with supportive, godly people. You work on you. Your wife will eventually come around to trusting you, even tentatively. You have to stand strong before you can be a whole part of the marriage unit.

I don’t know why we do the things we do. I was always looking for “the next best thing.” This is my third marriage. I’m not that old; it’s embarrassing.

Do you have any traits for borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder? I don’t like labels but having a diagnosis can help give a rubic for healing. What are your coping skills, good and bad?

I’m wondering if you’re afraid, deeply. It’s hard, I know. Even my childhood caregivers were abusive and unreliable. I had no one, no one I could trust growing up. Not a soul. That damaged me. Why should some person I met in adulthood be steadfast and loyal if my parents weren’t?

My father-in-law several months ago told me, “[Do it] or get off the pot. Make a commitment to my son or go.” I wasn’t cheating; I’ve never cheated on this man. My father-in-law is intuitive and knew I was having doubts and not realizing I was looking for ways to sabotage things. You know, his words affected me. “Just make a commitment. What will be the worst that will happen?”

The worst that could happen down the pike is that your wife will betray your trust. You know what, you’re an adult. You’ll live. You’re not the scared, defenseless little boy you once were. Take joy in your wife. Have a date night. Start acting like everything is perfect. Not in a disengenuous way, but spend a few days pretending everything is perfect and you are so in love with your wife. Buy her flowers. Enjoy her company. Do something spontaneous with her. Let her be your best friend. Tell her something no one else knows and let her reciprocate.

I hope something helps. These are things that help me. I’ll be praying for you, my friend!

:hug1:

Cara
 
I’ve never understood the attraction of a man having “sexual chat” with another man pretending to be a woman. Because if you think some beautiful woman is on the other end of line on her keyboard typing away you are delusional. Those women already have a man - if they want one.
 
Ok, I’ll be the mean guy for the thread.

3 marriages and you’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend? How do you stop-it’s simple. You just stop acting like a horny teenager, grow up and be a man.

Your in my prayers.
 
Rascalking said:
Ok, I’ll be the mean guy for the thread.

3 marriages and you’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend? How do you stop-it’s simple. You just stop acting like a horny teenager, grow up and be a man.

Your in my prayers.
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Not the mean guy at all. Your words are so true and yes, simple. I just have to do it. I’m seeking help and that is just what I intend on doing.

Thank you
 
RVGiancarlo said:
Not the mean guy at all. Your words are so true and yes, simple. I just have to do it. I’m seeking help and that is just what I intend on doing.

Thank you
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Thanks for understanding where I’m coming from.

God bless.
 
There is a lot of good advice here… definitely seek counseling (both marital and personal for your own addiction) and speak with your priest.

But I want to add one thing. I am a wife who was cheated on (my husband ending up leaving me). The thing that hurts the most is he never apologized and never saw what was wrong in what he did (or if he did he never let me know).

Be sure to focus on your wife. Apologize (a lot). And don’t just apologize with words, do it with actions too. If you think you’ve apologized enough, do it some more. If she hates doing the dishes, help her out with it or take over the job. Take her out on “dates” to show how much she means to you… and most of all, let her know. You can’t undo the damage done, but you can mend the hurt.

Also, from now on, be very open about things with your wife. It will help put her at ease and make you accountable. For example, tell her “I am going online to work” or if you go out say, “I am going to the store to get some ___, I’ll be back in 10 minutes…do you want to go or do you need anything?”

One other thing, pray the Rosary. It’s very healing–you need healing too.

Good luck. I wish you and your wife the best!
 
mellowcalico said:
There is a lot of good advice here… definitely seek counseling (both marital and personal for your own addiction) and speak with your priest.

But I want to add one thing. I am a wife who was cheated on (my husband ending up leaving me). The thing that hurts the most is he never apologized and never saw what was wrong in what he did (or if he did he never let me know).

Be sure to focus on your wife. Apologize (a lot). And don’t just apologize with words, do it with actions too. If you think you’ve apologized enough, do it some more. If she hates doing the dishes, help her out with it or take over the job. Take her out on “dates” to show how much she means to you… and most of all, let her know. You can’t undo the damage done, but you can mend the hurt.

Also, from now on, be very open about things with your wife. It will help put her at ease and make you accountable. For example, tell her “I am going online to work” or if you go out say, “I am going to the store to get some ___, I’ll be back in 10 minutes…do you want to go or do you need anything?”

One other thing, pray the Rosary. It’s very healing–you need healing too.

Good luck. I wish you and your wife the best!
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As a woman, even though I’ve never been in this situation, I wholeheartedly agree with this advice. Showing your wife through ACTION that you are sorry and love her can mean the world. My husband has never cheated but we’ve had some rough times even though we’re still new at this “being married” thing. He will say the words “I’m sorry” a lot but I have a hard time believing him until he starts backing up his words with action. That’s how I know he means it. 👍
 
Your name appears Italian. If I am right about that, I’d like to speak as a woman who has been married to an Italian man for over 30 years. It wasn’t until last year that he told me his definition of fidelity was having any kid of sex with other women as long as it didn’t include intercourse. Intercourse, in his mind was “infidelity”. His father cheated, his uncles cheated, most women I know who are married to Italian men have experienced the same thing. I love Italians and don’t mean to denigrate them. It just appears to me to be an ingrained characteristic of Italian men. Your posts appear to me as if you cannot change. If this is the case, please cut your wife loose and give her the opportunity to find someone who could be faithful to her.
 
e3342 said:
Your name appears Italian. If I am right about that, I’d like to speak as a woman who has been married to an Italian man for over 30 years. It wasn’t until last year that he told me his definition of fidelity was having any kid of sex with other women as long as it didn’t include intercourse. Intercourse, in his mind was “infidelity”. His father cheated, his uncles cheated, most women I know who are married to Italian men have experienced the same thing. I love Italians and don’t mean to denigrate them. It just appears to me to be an ingrained characteristic of Italian men. Your posts appear to me as if you cannot change. If this is the case, please cut your wife loose and give her the opportunity to find someone who could be faithful to her.
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This is sort of bigoted against Italians. If you “loved them” why do you speak of them like that?

(I’m 100 percent British, by the way)
 
I’m Italian as well. (My father’s Italian, and yes, he cheated on my mother). I’m not bigoted, I’m just stating the facts as I see them in my life.
 
e3342 said:
I’m Italian as well. (My father’s Italian, and yes, he cheated on my mother). I’m not bigoted, I’m just stating the facts as I see them in my life.
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My husband’s mother’s family is all Italian-American. They are the most warm, loving, and loyal people I know. To our knowledge, only his great-aunt (one out of five) was cheated on (her husband had another family - he also had mafia connections.) The cheating had nothing to do with him being Italian. It had to do with him not showing proper respect for his wife and family, and being a criminal thug.

Ethnicity does not determine behavior. Culture can have a strong influence, and it may be possible that your local Italian community may be incredibly insular and that it teaches men that this is an appropriate way to treat women. But to try and place the “blame” on a person’s supposed, not even confirmed, ethnic background is “stretching it” at a minimum.
 
e3342 said:
Your name appears Italian. If I am right about that, I’d like to speak as a woman who has been married to an Italian man for over 30 years. It wasn’t until last year that he told me his definition of fidelity was having any kid of sex with other women as long as it didn’t include intercourse. Intercourse, in his mind was “infidelity”. His father cheated, his uncles cheated, most women I know who are married to Italian men have experienced the same thing. I love Italians and don’t mean to denigrate them. It just appears to me to be an ingrained characteristic of Italian men. Your posts appear to me as if you cannot change. If this is the case, please cut your wife loose and give her the opportunity to find someone who could be faithful to her.
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I understand what you are saying, but it’s not an ingrained characteristic, just culturally encouraged. The French are the same way. And the Greeks. Cheating by men is expected and to a large extent, tolerated by society and by the wives. If an Italian man with that kind of cultural expectation marries an American woman who believes that no infidelity is ever OK, then you have problems.
 
Have you ever heard of NLP - neuro-linguistic programming?

I have a few friends who have really found it helped them. One of the keys is to stop telling yourself DON’T do something - becuase the brain automatically focusses on the verb anyway (whether written word or a mere thought)

So…if you are sitting at your PC and start to think ‘DON’T look at chat rooms’ - your brain will actually turn this back into ‘don’t LOOK AT CHAT ROOMS’ 😉

Instead - you have to tell yourself to do something else - like “be a good husband” or “make your wife proud of you” - but it has to be a positive and not a negative!

That is possibly a very clumsy explanation of NLP, but I hope it helps. Sometimes when we are trying to avoid doing something, we can’t get the ‘something’ out of our thoughts and we dwell on the ‘something’ instead of consciously replacing it by ‘another-thing’.

🙂 Good luck - remember everyone stumbles sometimes: it’s the picking yourself up again and carrying on that will make you a better man:thumbsup:
 
God bless you for wanting to save your marriage. Definitely check into the marriage resources by Steve Wood (someone already recommended dads.org – its a very comprehensive marriage and family apostolate with a wonderful website and lots of helpful information).

“Crossing the Goal” is an EWTN television series where men discuss remaining faithful, catholic men. There are alot of resources there and they talk about the importance of “accountability partners.”

You might also check out Fr. Larry Richards: Be a Man! His Youtube is awesome and you will be challenged!

I highly recommend going to confession for both of you. You will absolutely need God’s grace in the sacraments. Your marriage will be so much stronger if you take the hard steps together now.
 
Simple. You apologize and you install the software I will link to here on your computer to show your wife that you are working on your problem. You make your wife the contact with the software. It will hold you accountable and help you to strive to overcome your problems.

Pray. Ask Jesus to awaken His Holy Spirit in your heart and give you the strength and grace to overcome your problem. Ask him to heal you completely body, mind, and soul. Leave out the “if it be your will” **** that so many add to their prayers. It’s nonsense and really means “I don’t think you’ll help me.” If you call on Christ he will help you.

Software description: x3watch.com/ The link is to the description it isn’t a download but the software is free. There is another option that is more extensive that you can pay for but the basic version is free and sufficient. This software is from xxxchurch and is online accountability software for men.

The other thing to do is to go to: theporneffect.com Join the forums, read the articles, and ask for help. Show your wife you have done these things and you will overcome. This is a problem that can easily be conquered.
 
vontroster said:
Simple. You apologize and you install the software I will link to here on your computer to show your wife that you are working on your problem. You make your wife the contact with the software. It will hold you accountable and help you to strive to overcome your problems.

Unfortunately I said earlier I was on a public computer which I can’t install any other software on. The software you site is a porn blocker and I don’t go to porn sites, I went on messenger and to a chat room. I don’t have messenger on my computer and won’t install it.

Incidentally, my wife and I have come up with some insights into my problem, and it appears to come down to my fear of rejection and seeking unconditional approval from people on the internet; less personal, less intimate, anonymous and fills my need. I am (was) very afraid of my wife rejecting some of the personal improvement efforts I was making and that is why I went into that room months later. What I need to accept is that my wife loves me for everything I am including my problems which she is very much trying to help me with.

Thank you and I continue to look to you all for opinions and insights.
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