Caught husband/u-tube porn

[GhostMan]

Whatever,

I’m not trying to start something with you, Ghostman, but please try at least, to stop placing your marital situation onto others. Every marriage has unique nuances…just please don’t make it sound like it’s women’s faults behind their husband’s porn addictions. It’s not the first time I have seen you infer that.

This has absolutely nothing, at all, to do with my marriage. None. I’m injecting nothing but my own take on what she has written. I’m sorry if it offends you that sometimes women can be in the wrong too. In this thread I said, time and time again that the husband was wrong. Could not have been more clear. It seems that you only want to read the criticism of the wife I also had. Now, if saying that a woman can be wrong is not allowed, then I shall stop. I believe I was only quoting and responding to her own words, however.

Now, continue man-bashing.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

After reading this my advice would be that you need to help your husband with his problem and not continue to beat him down. Because if the tone of your conversations are anything like what you have posted here, I can see how he would feel dumped upon and not see you as a partner in this situation.

You DO have a legitimate issue here and you should be hurt and disgusted by it, but in moderation. Blowing up and making a mountian out of a molehill will not help the situation. Again, this is a very serious issue especially considering the history that you have, but you must be aware that he is struggling as well. I am not letting him off the hook, but you may run the risk of making things worse by continuing down the “war of words” pattern that this is becoming.

You husband needs to man up and take responsibility for his actions. As a husband, I share in your frustrations and echo your question when I wonder why do men have to look at this when they have a wife at home. I know the alure that is porn, having recovered before I was married, I now know how fake that is. How destructive that is and what it can do to people and how it can destroy lives. Families. Individuals. It is sick. It is sad. Right now your husband needs you. He needs you to be a loving and supportive wife…of him. Not of his addiction or bad habit or whatever you want to call it, but support him.

As others have mentioned, leave the children out of this. Communicate between yourselves and work this out.

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatever,

This has absolutely nothing, at all, to do with my marriage. None. I’m injecting nothing but my own take on what she has written. I’m sorry if it offends you that sometimes women can be in the wrong too. In this thread I said, time and time again that the husband was wrong. Could not have been more clear. It seems that you only want to read the criticism of the wife I also had. Now, if saying that a woman can be wrong is not allowed, then I shall stop. I believe I was only quoting and responding to her own words, however.

Now, continue man-bashing.

You and the man bashing sentiment. lol I knew it was coming!

Ghostman…you should know that I’m never really partial to take sides…I see the wrong in both sides here. It just seems that your own personal feelings about women culminate from some of the things you have written here about you and your wife. I don’t see the woman here as being the cause behind all of this. Her reaction no doubt, was not the best, but neither would mine have been, maybe? Had I been faced with the same?

No one is man bashing here. The OP is hurting. There are so many details that we will never know, but I just don’t see her as being a game player, etc…she is hurting.

People hurt others when they are hurting, themselves.

Anyways, that’s all I’m trying to say.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Whatever,

This has absolutely nothing, at all, to do with my marriage. None. I’m injecting nothing but my own take on what she has written. I’m sorry if it offends you that sometimes women can be in the wrong too. In this thread I said, time and time again that the husband was wrong. Could not have been more clear. It seems that you only want to read the criticism of the wife I also had. Now, if saying that a woman can be wrong is not allowed, then I shall stop. I believe I was only quoting and responding to her own words, however.

Now, continue man-bashing.

Good point.

I totally agree with you. I have also found your contributions on this thread to be spot-on. I’m sorry that your clear and concise thoughts have subjected you to the accusation that your responses boil down to your own marital situation, indicating that you can’t have your own opinion outside of that. That’s a shame.

Well I value your opinions – if it matters. I hope that Dannilynn will take a moment and reread your thoughts, see the error of her extreme defensiveness to you and will move onto a happier level with her DH instead of keeping her foot on the head of the situation as it’s struggling to breath down in the ugly mud where it currently is.

(Really praying for you Dannilynn)

Hang in there.

 

[BamaRider]

 

[jwashu]

My Catholic husband brought home his laptop from work. We were looking at homesteading video’s on it. I noticed some inappropriate videos in there & told him it mu…

Danni :crying:

First of all - I wouldn’t necessarily consider that porn unless you want to include Desperate Housewives and the like on TV. Yes it may have shown a body part people in the US have problems viewing but it’s probably more boredom and just wondering what’s out there than your husband looking at porn. That is the reason he can access them from work. The content filters don’t block U-Tube because you can’t post “porn” on U-Tube they don’t allow it and will remove it.

Secondly - If your husband says he loves you and doesn’t care about any scars or anything else why doubt him? Is your entire body image tied to the fact that he views some stupid teenagers on video? You sound like a good mother and wife, I doubt you really need to take it there.

Thirdly - I believe you guys need to take a step back, breathe and pray about this. If you can’t work it out, talk to your priest and see a counselor because frankly, I can’t see what the big deal here is at all except for the fact that you kept clickin’ on the links in front of your kids when you saw the first was inappropriate - not porn but not appropriate either… not sure I understand that one. Thus my guess is that this is an issue that is bringing others to the forefront. You guys should work on addressing those issues together.

This may sound harsh but it sounds that way because I’m trying to give you an alternative view from the poster who will certantly say “he watched porn! he is a porn addict, divorce him!” When of course it may not even be porn and their are a number of other factors to deal with.

Let us remember that how the Church defines porn and how society defines it are 2 different things. The Church defines it as anything viewed that is meant to arouse us… that include a large number of shows on regular TV including pretty much every Soap opera… and it includes could include those videos your husband was watching. I say could be cause I know sometimes I have seen stuff like that with no arousal at all but rather thinkin’ that if I had daughters I would lock them in there room for years if I caught them doing anything like that… where ARE their parents?

Anyway… don’t be hard on yourself, if I sound like I’m being hard on you I’m not. Try to be easy on your husband as well, you guys can work this out I’m certain. Most importantly believe your husband when he tells you how he feels about it. Just like our society seems to promote illicit sex on every corner and channel, we also seem to promote negative body images to women if they don’t look what society deems as perfect. Most men I know don’t want that. They may see an image or watch a video with the guys (which IS a mortal sin) but they truly love their wives AND their wives bodies just as they are… they wouldn’t change a thing. I know I wouldn’t.

Joe

 

[CatholicSam]

CONFESSION! For you, but especially for him. Go this Saturday! It will give you both the grace you need at this moment of your lives. You mentioned something about “how can he do this when we have the graces of a sacramental marriage?” Well, he doesn’t have those graces if he’s in a state of mortal sin. No confession in over a year? That’s a lot of built-up soul-dirt. He needs to go make a thorough confession and clean his soul.

Once God forgives him through the grace of Confession, I am sure you will find it easier to forgive him too. God bless you.

*And to those who are nit-picking about the definition of porn: Regardless of your definition, Mr. Danni was viewing extremely tasteless and impure videos, and a lot of them! After time, this can easily lead to lusting thoughts, which is a mortal sin.

 

[Carjack1]

Sorry that you and your husband are having issues. I will pray for your marriage.

 

[Polaris]

??? I am so nieve, I have been watching you tube for years before the buyout, and I never came across pron and I am a member. Are you sure it was you tube. If it was, now where will I watch my classic 80’s tv shows.

Well your marriage needs work, you and he are at fault accept that and go to a catholic counsler. There is no magic cure all and there are no miracles, you both have to change through hard work. I wish you luck in your endevours and I will pray for you.

 

[whatevergirl]

I apologize to Ghostman for mentioning your marriage in relation to your comments in this thread. Forgive me. KC, point taken.

I will say though–I don’t see anyone “male bashing” …and that seems to be a recurring sentiment that I’ve noticed in threads like this. Just don’t see anyone male bashing–just people trying to help as best as they can, the OP.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well let’s turn the tables around…
Let’s pretend you are a happily married man, many years of wonderful friendship, lovemaking, family time, etc with your wife. She’s the “most perfect” thing in your world, there is not a single other woman that could ever take her place, she’s loved by everyone that meets her, kind, gentle, sweet, never loses her patience and if she has it doesn’t even last more than 30 seconds…She’s always giving, always putting others first, hard working, always greets you with a smile, and she looks great in anything she wears, always cheery and always loving with the children. She is a great leader and a person to admire. You feel you are the luckiest man alive to have such a great partner! Couldn’t have it any other way…You feel you are content with the “great” sex life you have together and the romantic and passionate moments you still share after all these years…You know she’s successful at work and multitasks perfectly well at home. She even waited till all the children were old enough for school to start her career and is managing all things perfectly well!!! You couldn’t be more happy.

One night you decide to get the kids in your room so you can have family movie night, you decide to use the computer since it’s hooked up to your television and the screen is a little bigger, so you decide to click on something in the menu bar or even favorites and it says “movies” and OMG while one of you children is around you, a porn flick comes on…It’s a guy and a girl, both very young and attractive…your jaw just drops and you play it out with your child, and say you accidentally clicked on a “demon’s sight” I don’t know you make up something…Well now what? You decide to put the children to bed and explain that tomorrow night will be movie night…You decide to see what in the world is going on, and click on other “movies” not for curiosity because it’s “attracking” you but because you need to understand what in the world is going on and how many of these perverted things are in your “family” computer, or in your “wife’s” computer…She walks in and gives you some lame excuse at first, of “oh honey it’s nothing really!! Actually it was that one night my bff came over remember and oh she started looking at that stuff I just forgot to delete them!!! hahaha!!! Silly me!!?” And then there are countless more around in other areas of the computer saved, and you are just staring into your wife’s eyes and she confesses she was bored at home and just was curious!!!

The anger that has built up just thinking your wonderful marriage, the nights of passion, the lovemaking could have been happening because of some lustful satisfaction this woman was having?! Your mind begins to ask a million questions at a time, why, when, where, how, what caused this, what were you thinking?! But you can’t put your thoughts together, and you feel your body just burning up with frustration and anger, all the happy moments, the her smiles, her loving words, was it all a lie? You can even begin to question who is this woman? So you blurr out, “well if those kind of men make you happy then I am hitting the gym even longer than before, I will be there 4 hours instead of 2, Oh and see this little gut and these small guns well guess what I am going to take some steriods and building that sixpack you admire so much and make sure I have guns even bigger than that OK!!!” So your wife responds with, “but baby I love you just the way you are!!” And you just blurr out something more painful because you are feeling destroyed, your world just tumbled down, and your wife screams for your teenaged kids, and tells them “daddy wants to do this and this because he’s so greedy!!” And so you respond with, “Oh yeah well mommy stares at young guys all the time and wants them!!” (BIG MISTAKE OBVIOUSLY)

But as horrible as that is, you are not thinking properly at the moment, you are broken, you are hurt, you feel that you are dying little by little inside, you can’t understand what happened and are unable to control yourself…

Maybe to none of you this has happened but I understand how things can get out of hand. Your world is falling apart, even if it’s for a moment, and an hour later everything is fine…I understand that…But it’s a mistake, and something that can be repaired.

Obviously the OP will need some counseling but I empathise with her and I understand her feelings and pain, and even though what she did was wrong, in all circumstances, it was right for her to do so at the time and the only thing that she could do, she had no control of herself…I have lost control too before just as bad as that, especially when I found out my ex was sleeping around, he did the same thing to me, called my then 5 year old daughter…It was horrible I hated myself after words of course because I attacked him too, but as soon as she was called in I tried to get her out of the room and he wouldn’t let go of her, causing her to stay and for both of us to strain against each other, but I didn’t want to argue with her there, yet he didn’t care and kept on going about how we were separated etc etc etc…

 

[iluvmybabies]

OP you both definitely need counseling and your husband needs double counseling…It’s not fair for you nor for him because he’s hurting you and being “unfaithful in the spiritual and mind” and he’s staining his soul as well. All can be forgiven and trust rebuilt, it’s a long road but with prayer, counseling, love, affection, understanding, and support towards each other you will make it. Hang in there and keep your head high! Remember get your hubby to counseling…NOW!! And if you want the implants for yourself or the tuck for yourself then do it, even if you are in money situations, because it’s going to make you happy, but if it’s something that can wait until you have better economical means, then do so, even if it’s an additional 3 months, 6 months or 3 years, be patient for such things! If it’s for your hubby then please don’t do it…Seek counseling NOW!! God bless!

 

[latin_rite]

Oh, Danni–I’m sorry you’re hurting.

1. Please don’t get this surgery. For starters, a woman’s chances of getting breast cancer and other serious illnesses, is increased due to breast implants. Plus, this is not going to resolve your husband’s curiousity to look at lustful videos.

Thats a lie. Your chances of getting breast cancer doesn’t increase because you get breast implants. That rumour ranks along side the old" don’t get your daughter the Cervical cancer vaccine, cause it turn your teenage daughter into a “lose woman” propaganda that came along with that vaccine. Maybe your chances increased because of the silicon implants. but not with the saline ones. The risk or danger of breast implants as far as breast cancer is concerned. is that the implants might “hide” some small tumours… making them hard to find in their early stages.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thats a lie. Your chances of getting breast cancer doesn’t increase because you get breast implants. That rumour ranks along side the old" don’t get your daughter the Cervical cancer vaccine, cause it turn your teenage daughter into a “lose woman” propaganda that came along with that vaccine. Maybe your chances increased because of the silicon implants. but not with the saline ones. The risk or danger of breast implants as far as breast cancer is concerned. is that the implants might “hide” some small tumours… making them hard to find in their early stages.

why take chances?

 

[Prodigal_Son816]

Danni, I’m sorry you are going through this. I know you are hurt. Porn is very addictive. It can start with someone clicking on a link by accident, or as a simple curiosity; but it can grow into an ugly monster all too easily. This is not your fault. Your husband is responsible for his own actions. Even if there are other issues in your marriage that led him to this (I’m not saying there are), it was still his action and his choice and therefore his sin.

However, you are letting your anger get the better of you, and that is a sin as well. Christ taught us to forgive. You need to forgive him, or you put yourself in a sinful state.

That is hard. Forgiveness is never easy. That’s our challenge and that’s one of the crosses we need to bear.

Forgiveness is the first step. After that, you need to find your love for him as a husband and for him as a fellow Christian. Only then can you solve this problem together.

I agree that you need to seek counseling. You need to work together to overcome this. You need to be honest with each other. He needs to commit to correcting this and you need to commit to working with him on it.

You’re very angry right now, but I sense that you love your husband. Put your anger aside and let the healing in. It will take time, it will take determination; but with Christ’s help, you can overcome this.

As for your children, no matter who brought them into this and no matter what was blurted out, that does need to stop. They should not bear your problems and you both need to agree that this does not reach them again. It’s not fair to them and as parents, I’m sure you both want to protect them from this.

I will pray that you bear this cross as Christ would.

 

[PaulinVA]

Paulin,
Had I not watched them all, I would have worried myself to death wondering how bad it was.

I assure you, I have no sexual interest in teenage drunk girls. I wanted to know how bad my husband’s problem is.

The things I saw on utube were evil. I don’t know what you are comparing it to, though. Tame? No way! Like I said, there was nudity and sex acts…must I go on?

I had no idea you were really talking about utube and not youtube. At least I think that’s the deal, because there is no porn on youtube.

Never heard of utube, but my internet filter won’t let me go there, so it must be bad.

Anyway, i know there are bad consequences to a marriage if one of the partners is looking at porn, but I have never heard anyone say that were unhappy with a spouse and that is the reason the were looking. There is something else going on. Not necessarily bad, just something else.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Danni–

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this in your marriage.

Just a word about allowing your reactions to take place in front of your children. My parents have had marriage problems for years and it was and still is very traumatizing to have to watch them fight and to be made a part of the fights. Even things like saying things that are derogatory about the other spouse are really hard to hear because it makes you feel like that parent is trying to get you on “their side” against the other parent. And when you love both your parents, it hurts a lot.

What you are dealing with is very upsetting. I know I would be just as upset about things if I found that my husband was doing something similar.

You need to realize that most sins happen because of a moment of weakness. Porn especially is not because the spouse is unattractive, so much as the spouse was not safeguarding their eyes when they should have.

If having plastic surgery is something that will improve your quality of life after the c-sections, then I don’t think it is a bad thing at all. But I think you are making the decision for surgery right now in the heat of the moment to get back at your husband–or to make yourself feel better because your husband’s actions make you feel so badly. That is a natural reaction, but you need to wait at least a month or so.

Your children are probably a little worried about all this disagreement between their parents and having a surgery to top it off (they are going to see that you are getting it and their dad doesn’t want you to) will not be a good situation to put your children in.

What you need to do now is calm down (I know it’s easier to say that than to do it!), reassure your children, learn about your options for surgery, but don’t rush into it. All your problems aside, you need to be making informed decisions about this medical procedure and rushing into it is not informed. You also need to be able to afford it. And you and your husband NEED counseling.

You are in my prayers.

kevinsgirl

 

[Dannilynn]

Thanks for all the advice, even the stuff that is unpleasant to read…I know people might wonder about what I have done to cause my husband to fall.
Hopefully, nothing.
If I have, it remains to be seen. If I did even have an inkling that I did something to him, I’d have no problem admitting it.
I love my husband and have absolutely no intention of divorcing him, Mr Ghostman. Nor will anyone ever know about it-except, unfortunately, my children. Has your wife outed you to your relatives? Sorry…I think a man’s rep is important.

When my husband insisted upon telling them what he’s been doing, I should have shut up and sat there. As he was shouting for them to come downsatirs I said No, don’t tell them, what’s wrong with you! They don’t need this spread to them!! I definitely shouldn’t have bust out crying and blurted out what I did. I am a good mother and I regret that I did that to my children.

I don’t want my husband to suffer with insecurity because of me with a improved figure.
This afternoon I cancelled my appt and called him and told him that out of respect for his feelings I wasn’t going to go through with it. I told him that I didn’t want to cause financial difficulties either because I know he worries.
We talked. I told him how I felt and that I don’t think I could go through porn problems again. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. I told him that I didn’t think he was a bad person and that I want to trust him again…and he said he would try to win back my trust.
For those wondering, we have a good marriage (before this) and I hope to continue. I have a poor opinion of men. I haven’t met many good ones. My father…a couple of priests…my husband. So when this happened I was thrown! So many men around my Catholic circle cheat on their wives and do very bad things. I actually do end up expecting great things from my husband and kind of counted on him to redeem the others. It is not wrong to want him to be holy. I am growing as a person so why would I assume that he is incapable? That’s why this was so desvasting to me…it’s like DE-volving.

I didn’t just sit there and purposely click vidoes in front of my daughter! I clicked on one in the long history on the left side and it played immediately. It was broadband and we don’t have that at home. I paniced and clicked really quick on another. They were not labeled Porn or any clue about what they were. I just shut the lid.

I am pretty sure I’m not one of women Ghostman is worried about. Yes, I am mad…not an evil genius.

 

[KingAlfred]

Sex in marriage can be a difficult issue. Many couples don’t have sex. It could be worse. No offense.

 

[Prodigal_Son816]

This afternoon I cancelled my appt and called him and told him that out of respect for his feelings I wasn’t going to go through with it. I told him that I didn’t want to cause financial difficulties either because I know he worries.
We talked. I told him how I felt and that I don’t think I could go through porn problems again. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. I told him that I didn’t think he was a bad person and that I want to trust him again…and he said he would try to win back my trust.

Danni, this is great to see. You are off to an excellent start in mending this rift. I hope you and your husband continue on this path. The first step is always the hardest, so I think you are well on your way. :yyeess: