Caught in a family crisis: Unsure of what to do

[ilySHJ]

Josh

My sister has a mental illness. She’s 45. I’m 7 years older. She’s been in a psychosis for about 5 years is unlikely to ever come back.

when she was younger, she was wild. She lied. she screamed at me. She pulled her car up to the front door of the church and yelled at me on Easter Vigil. She has had at least 2 abortions even though she claimed to be prolife. She was also very active in our parish - go figure.

Having her around my three young children seemed dangerous - in short. I know what it is to have a younger sister that in one sense you lose.

She did reach out to you - albeit by texting. if she’s scared, maybe she’ll toe the mark for a while. Make good memories while you can, and be an awesome uncle.

And like the other poster said, ask Dt Dymphna to pray for her!

 

[Bill_7154]

. How do I tell my mother that she has to deny her motherly instincts- it’s like telling a mother, “you have to be loving, but you just can’t help them right now”. I’ve tried to illustrate to my parents that they don’t owe her anything other than prayer, and food and clothes if she is IN NEED.

We’ve had several discussions and my parents seem a little put-off by my stepping back from the situation.

What can I do? What should I do?

Pray for answers. Pray for your parents eyes and hearts and minds and souls to be open to seeing how their current behaviors towards your sister are harmful and that they become open to learning new ways of dealing with her so they may be helpful to her.

They need to learn the concepts of tough love and enabling. How much influence do you have with your parents? How open are they to listening to you with open minds about your sister? Are they basically mentally healthy and just not handling their relationship with your sister as best as they could or are they off balance at all mentally?

Would your mother be open to reading a book about dealing with a family member who has BPD? (if she doesn’t have it I’m assuming she has enough traits of it based on what you’ve said ‘her psych team was close to diagnosing her with this’). Would your mother be open to reading a book on co-dependency? What about a wikipedia on co-dependency and enabling? Would they watch a tv show or video on interventions with you? Can you come at your parents straight on with your concerns about how your mom is dealing with your sister or will they/she shut you down one way or another if you approach the subject directly? I think that the degree to which your mom would be open to hearing what you have to say about her behavior towards your sister is very important. If she can’t/won’t hear you at all it’s very different than if you can engage her in discussions on this topic. I’ll try and remember to check back on this thread to see what you have to say about my questions.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[bonvivantHermit]

I am over 40 and lived a little, enough to know we can’t change others no matter how much we try. Holding out on someone till they come around has not worked for me.
I have left relationships that are bad for me, but never seen someone change because I refuse to see them etc.

Your sister may never, ever be who you expect/want/desire/deserve that’s the way it is- if your mother wants to mother her, that’s her choice. Your mother is another person you can’t change.

The best we can do in some situations is just love the person and put up with them. I doubt your sister feels very good herself.

Once you have children, you may realize how much a parent can love. It leaves me awe of Christ’s love, if humans can love so much. This love is not a cross, it is a gift.

 

[joshvanrad]

Thanks for all of the responses. There is a lot of information here to pray over and ponder. I will be meeting with my spiritual adviser on Wednesday and I’m sure this topic will come up in conversation. I have found a sense of peace with the whole situation, but my mother and sister are each in a very turbulent emotional battle.

My sister has begun telling our extended family of her surprise and I think she is getting used to the idea of what is about to happen with her life.

I had a costume party over the weekend and my sister and her boyfriend both showed up. They know I have not shunned them like some people implied in this thread. I was able to talk with both of them and the conversation was very cordial. They are both aware that I wish them the best and I hope things shape up for both of them.

My mother still concerns me because she is still in a very flighty emotional state (even more so than my sister). She continues to tell everyone how she has come to terms with the situation, but in my discernment and observations she is still not herself. I am still uncertain how to help her in this situation.

Joshua C

 

[UntimelyGiggles]

I get your issue and where you’re coming from. Really, I do.

Even before you mentioned your sister was undiagnosed BPD, the first thing I thought to myself when you were describing her was that she really did show signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.

One thing I have experienced in my clinical setting is that BPD is different for everyone who undergoes the illness. Some days the illness impacts the person worse compared to other days.

Bear with me, this will be a long one:

To break it down, there are definitely three kinds of behavioural dimensions that they experience – affective dysregulation, impulsive-behavioural dyscontrol, and cognitive-perceptual difficulties.
• Affective Dysregulation Symptoms show when your sister experiences ranging changing moods, whether its intense anger or depression; extreme happiness or experiencing intense tantrums if no particular attention is given to her.
• Impulsive Behaviourial Control is when your sister’s actions are primarily based on impulsiveness or any self-damaging behaviour. If it really is an undiagnosed BPD, the pregnancy could fall in this category. Chances are if she was going through an intensified BPD symptom at one point, she would have been thinking about this in impulsiveness (De Genna et al, 2012). The fact that you said that she was excited about telling your extended family of her surprise is reaffirms this also.
• Cognitive-perceptual symptoms show when your sister experiences suspiciousness, referential thinking, paranoid ideation, illusions/hallucinations, depersonalization. This is especially going to be tougher with a pregnant baby in mind. Hormones in the second semester (or all throughout really) plus this could be a bad mixture. Help your sister by checking up on her from time to time, but also not annoying the heck out of her.

You are right though, Josh, (in terms of not entertaining the thoughts that aggravate any of the symptoms), but you do need to be there, not only for her, but especially for that baby.
I know I can’t help much, but we need to get her some medications to help suppress the impulsive thoughts and also to reduce the BPD signs and symptoms. I haven’t dealt with any pregnant BPD, but their risk are definitely higher and so medical attention is really necessary. I know you said this was hard, but if any way you can convince her/ make it look like the idea is coming from her to get medical attention, then I think this would be really helpful for her and the baby’s health. Make sure she’s not harming herself or (at any point) thinking of committing suicide. If she is, then try and ask her if she has any means of committing the action. I’m not sure about resources in the States, as you know I don’t live there, but I’m pretty sure 911 is always available. I also did a quick google search and found that Minnesota has an adult mental health crisis response service: dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?IdcService=GET_DYNAMIC_CONVERSION&RevisionSelectionMethod=LatestReleased&dDocName=id_004961

Depending on your county, I guess you could call them.
dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?IdcService=GET_FILE&RevisionSelectionMethod=LatestReleased&Rendition=Primary&allowInterrupt=1&noSaveAs=1&dDocName=id_022003

As for the parents. I get where your mom is coming from, I really do. But, sometimes, it’s just educating more re: signs and symptoms and what BPD is really all about and promoting mental health and well-being is what helps the turbulent emotional stages. I’m not going to say don’t tell them what to do and what not to do, because that’s completely your call. But I guess help them get educated with what really is going on with your sister. Chances are, they are still going through the emotional stages of having heard the news. See if they are either anxious, in denial, in regret, in bargaining, or anything really, and go from there.

I’m sorry for the late post, I wish you had just told me instead. You and your family are in my prayers. I’m here for you, buddy.

Ephesian 6: Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

References (And no, I’m not doing this on APA, lol):
De Genna et al. 2012. Pregnancies, abortions and births among women with and without BDP. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22749198 – I haven’t completely appraised this yet, but by quickly scanning it, it shows promise.

American Psychiatric Associatione (2001). Practice Guideline for the Tx of Pts c BPD. appi.org/SearchCenter/Pages/SearchDetail.aspx?ItemId=2319 – Kinda old, I know, but signs and symptoms described there were concise.

Minnesota Departmet of Human Services. dhs.state.mn.us/main/idcplg?IdcService=GET_DYNAMIC_CONVERSION&RevisionSelectionMethod=LatestReleased&dDocName=id_004961

My Mental Health Textbook.

 

[Demetra2]

I agree that this is a prodigal son situation with the poster being the good though hurt and angry son. If your sister really does have BPD that is a tough situation to be in because it is hard to treat and the BPD person usually firmly believes that everyone else has the problem and they are just fine.I know this because my mother has BPD. Your concern right now needs to be for the baby. Support your parents in helping your sister for the sake of the child. Please do this because that child will have many challenges to face with a BPD mother and will need the support of kind, stable family members who can provide unconditional love. YOU can be that person for this child. You have a great challenge ahead of you and I hope that you have the courage to take it.It is important to set up boundaries in your relationship with your sister but to be there for the innocent child. I would recommend that you read the message boards of BPD Central for more perspective on BPD. Pray for your sister and help the baby. God Bless.