Celibacy and the Single Catholic

[iwillrisenow]

I’m starting this thread as a kind of support group for any other single Catholics out there (men and women) who have questions about/struggle with/are challenged by celibacy in the single state. I am one such person, currently single, no end to it in sight and sometimes I really struggle with just being celibate on a day to day basis. Now, I have never been married and prior to my conversion I was involved in some sinful relationships with men…but one thing I realized from those experiences is how much more “complete” I felt when I was…well…not celibate. It’s not like addiction or “gotta have it”, but more of an observation-- life with and life without. I was a much better person, less frustrated, more patient, slower to anger, etc. Now, I know this absolutely doesn’t make it right and I now know the significance and importance of sex being reserved for the married state. But I do know that while prayer and bible study can bring us closer to God, it always still feels like something’s missing as a single person…and I feel terrible about it, but I long for this union. It’s not appealing to me anymore without the commitment that comes with marriage, but it’s still there. Even the word, “celibate” makes me feel like I’m neutered or cut off from life-giving or something . And here’s the kicker: I don’t really feel more holy…I just feel more isolated from humanity.

Anyone else out there feel like this? Can celibacy/the single state be the source of sin in our lives, particularly if we suspect that we are not “called” to be single forever?

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

Celibacy is the single state.

Celibacy is the promise not to marry.

What you want to discuss is Chastity. Chastity is the proper use of the sex act within our state of life. For single people this means that being Chaste is not having sex, not celibacy which is not getting married.

 

[Waiting]

I’m starting this thread as a kind of support group for any other single Catholics out there (men and women) who have questions about/struggle with/are challenged by celibacy in the single state. I am one such person, currently single, no end to it in sight and sometimes I really struggle with just being celibate on a day to day basis. Now, I have never been married and prior to my conversion I was involved in some sinful relationships with men…but one thing I realized from those experiences is how much more “complete” I felt when I was…well…not celibate. It’s not like addiction or “gotta have it”, but more of an observation-- life with and life without. I was a much better person, less frustrated, more patient, slower to anger, etc. Now, I know this absolutely doesn’t make it right and I now know the significance and importance of sex being reserved for the married state. But I do know that while prayer and bible study can bring us closer to God, it always still feels like something’s missing as a single person…and I feel terrible about it, but I long for this union. It’s not appealing to me anymore without the commitment that comes with marriage, but it’s still there. Even the word, “celibate” makes me feel like I’m neutered or cut off from life-giving or something . And here’s the kicker: I don’t really feel more holy…I just feel more isolated from humanity.

Anyone else out there feel like this? Can celibacy/the single state be the source of sin in our lives, particularly if we suspect that we are not “called” to be single forever?

I’m likely not the best person to give an opinion here since I’m a senior who’s never been married. However, being a human being, I’ve been subject to the normal range of feelings as everyone else. I think it boils down to this. Depending on how much you love God and want to please Him, you can control your feelings, no matter how intense. Hard? Yes. I have often resisted temptation by seeing it for what it is – the prompting of the devil to turn you away from God. He makes the situation you’re in so pleasurable and enticing that it’s almost impossible not to give in to sin. I’m far from a saint, but the thought of pleasing the devil, who is aiming for my presence in hell, and the thought of disappointing God, Who is desiring so fervently my presence in heaven, makes the choice easier. I won’t, in my right mind, seriously offend Jesus, Who loves me so much that He gave His life for me. I like to picture myself giving the devil a swift kick where it will do the most good. That’s a form of comical relief - a release of pressure. For me it works.

 

[OldSchoolChops]

You seem to make a strong argument in favor of marriage.

I too share your feelings of incompleteness in the absence of sexual activity. I was fairly open to free sex in the recent past, and although the urge certainly hasn’t lessened, I’m trying to channel these desires into the proper direction, to find a suitable spouse.

I don’t think people such as ourselves are called to celibacy. Remember that marriage is a Sacrament as well as priestly ordination. I think we should pray to God to send us suitable spouses. Our society certainly doesn’t help things in that respect either. Sex is everywhere we look nowadays, but even beyond that, I think many young people are turned off to marriage for other reasons… in the past, dissolutions of marriage were uncommon to say the least, due primarily to the character of the people in those times. They committed themselves when commitment actually meant something. Unfortunately, since marriage is a two-way street, it doesn’t matter how much integrity you may have; if your spouse, who in all likelihood is a product of our society, feels like he/she wants out, there’s nothing you can really do in a no-fault divorce state.

I’m not trying to bum you out, but commiserate with you.

Pray to God for a good spouse! He always comes through, one way or the other. Have faith, keep your chin up!

God Bless!

 

[iwillrisenow]

Just a quick response to the issue of word choice: I originally wrote “chastity” but then recalled that it also refers to the proper use of sexuality in the married state. Also, since the issue is less one of understanding why it’s important to wait and more one of coming to terms and accepting a choice to remain celibate until marriage, I changed the wording. I guess I was unclear as to whether “celibate” meant one’s own conviction not to have sex until marriage (even if they’ve had it before) or an eternal conviction or vow. If it makes sense, I have an easier time with the “chastity” (proper use of sexuality in accordance to God’s plan) part than with “celibacy” (No sex, period. Ever). For a single person (non-religious, non-single vocation), one is often stuck with the latter without the peace and satisfaction of the religious as it is part of their vocation. For us, it just feels like condemnation or limbo. Sorry for the confusion!

 

[Frankr409]

Like you, I am now celibate and leading a chaste life style. I was divorced a little over 5 years ago, and my annulment was not granted. I am 43 years old.

I made up my mind about 3 years ago, that if the annulment was not granted, that I would not attempt to re-marry outside the church. My faith meant to much too me at the time, and still does.

HOWEVER… I would get to the point in which I would miss being with someone, and started dating, mostly because I thought it was what I really needed.

My mind is different now. I see that this is the state that God has called me to be in, and although it is not easy, I have forgone even the thought of dating.

I have also given up all other “pleasures of the flesh” as well, and while it is a struggle, I feel so pure now that I know I am not comitting mortal sin of any kind. The “habit” was not easy to break, and as a convert to the faith, this is not something that I grew up having to worry about.

I just want to add that this style of life is hard, but my mind is fully wrapped around it now.

I struggle like everyone else with personal chastity, but with constant prayer, asking for the graces to live this way, and for his consolations to help me, I can get through the struggle. When I do fall, I know that the sacrement of confession is there to help me. Unlike before though, confession is not a crutch, and I am not ashamed when I fail, because I know that I have given a great deal of effort.

I do feel that God has blessed me in many, many ways for embracing his plan. I actually feel happier and more optimistic about life now that I am fully committed to the plan.

I think the reason a lot of people who are in our position fail at this is because of a lack of faith that if they do what God wants them to do, they will somehow be losing out on something good. I do not feel that way any longer, I know that I am now getting what is really good, and those are the graces of God.

I wish you and anyone else in this state of life who might be reading these notes the very best wishes in your journey.