Cemetery Etiquette

[Shelbsgirl]

I’m not sure where this is most appropriately placed, so mods please move as necessary!

This is long, but I really need an outside perspective, please! My grandmother passed away recently, and her funeral was held at the cemetary chapel. (She, along with that side of the family, is non-catholic).

I, along with my-ex husband(annulled) and current fiancé (currently in pre-Cana) all feel that it is disrespectful to walk on graves and gravestones when there is a reasonable alternative, specifically, there is no paved path, but the graves are not spaced so closely together that you really have no choice.

I discuss such etiquette with my 7-year-old son each time we place flowers on graves, and reiterated the ‘do’s and don’ts’ before the funeral started. He is generally very well-behaved, and a smart and pleasant child, and a joy to have around.

Now, my question is thus:

Is it generally considered disrespectful to walk on graves and grave stones when there is plenty of space to avoid doing so?

There is much backstory, and some vicious accusations being made by my mother about my expecting my son to behave with decorum while walking between chapel and gravesite, but for now, they are an aside.

Any thoughts or opinions would be welcome, or if there is a source I am currently unaware of, please point me there!

Thanks so much-
Laurel

 

[ahs]

I don’t think there is any established set of rules for cemetary behavior other than “be respectful”. For a 7-yr-old to run around a cemetary, just as an example, and walk over a grave or grave stone would not seem like disrespect to me…but it might to others. If a certain adult expressed to me, as a parent, their displeasure in my child’s behavior at a cemetary, I would probably want to remind them that children are not soldiers, nor do they have the same capacity as adults to sit still and behave according to every other adult’s expectation…and to kindly mind their business as I do the best I can to raise my child…and if they feel they have some positive and constructive criticisms, they may offer them to me once, and then don’t bring it up again.

 

[Phalanx]

I don’t think there is any established set of rules for cemetary behavior other than “be respectful”. For a 7-yr-old to run around a cemetary, just as an example, and walk over a grave or grave stone would not seem like disrespect to me…but it might to others. If a certain adult expressed to me, as a parent, their displeasure in my child’s behavior at a cemetary, I would probably want to remind them that children are not soldiers, nor do they have the same capacity as adults to sit still and behave according to every other adult’s expectation…and to kindly mind their business as I do the best I can to raise my child…and if they feel they have some positive and constructive criticisms, they may offer them to me once, and then don’t bring it up again.

What if a random child climbed up and over your car?
And then keept jumping from car to car as a game while the parent told you to mind your own business?

There are very real and living emotions attached to the graves by the relatives, friends and family. Respect should be shown and a certain distance kept in my opinion.

 

[4love2God]

Shelbsgirl asks** : “Is it generally considered disrespectful to walk on graves and grave stones, when there is plenty of space to avoid doing so?”**

NO, not at all.

I asked this Question at a Catholic Cemetery where my grandmother is.
Her grave was along a Path, where people veered to get to anther Path closer.
In a period of 30 minutes, at least 20 people CLOPPED over several Graves.
I talked to the Director.
He was very clear in stating that this is just a matter of Personal Preference.

 

[DeniseNY]

I don’t think there is any established set of rules for cemetary behavior other than “be respectful”. For a 7-yr-old to run around a cemetary, just as an example, and walk over a grave or grave stone would not seem like disrespect to me…but it might to others. If a certain adult expressed to me, as a parent, their displeasure in my child’s behavior at a cemetary, I would probably want to remind them that children are not soldiers, nor do they have the same capacity as adultWs to sit still and behave according to every other adult’s expectation…and to kindly mind their business as I do the best I can to raise my child…and if they feel they have some positive and constructive criticisms, they may offer them to me once, and then don’t bring it up again.

Wait, you’re ackknowleging that some people do find this behavior to be disrespectful, but if someone asked you not to let your child run all over their loved ones grave/gravestone, you would pretty much tell them to lump it?

 

[MaryT777]

It may be personal preference, but my sister and I were always taught not to walk on gravestones and it wasn’t a problem. That said my mother would never have commented either way if someone else taught their child something different. I can’t imagine being criticized as a parent for asking a child to simply not walk on graves. That seems inappropriate and out of line to me.

Mary.

 

[Shelbsgirl]

Well, sounds to me as though there are two schools of thought in the matter.

It seems to me that my view that a) funerals warrant decorum and walking calmly to the gravesite and b) avoiding stepping on a headstone and/or grave when possible should be sufficient to warrant raising my child as I see fit.

The bigger issue is the ease with which my mother throws around words like “abuse” and “neglect” in the same breath as my parenting abilities whenever a stressful event occurs in her life, but that’s an another topic. “Appropriate boundaries” is a foreign term to my mother, and a continual struggle, so it doesn’t come as a shock, but it’s still disturbing.
(Today is my deceased fathers birthday, he’s been gone 7 years, and he passed within days of my sons birth, so the two are quite linked in everyone’s mind).

But, in the interest of taking what I am told into consideration, to be sure I’m not out in left field (because we abusive and neglectful parents always assume we are always right) I thought I’d ask the minds here at CA. (I lurk quite often, and have for some time, just haven’t ever had a reason to post).

I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you.

 

[retire_early]

I don’t think there is any established set of rules for cemetary behavior other than “be respectful”. For a 7-yr-old to run around a cemetary, just as an example, and walk over a grave or grave stone would not seem like disrespect to me…but it might to others. If a certain adult expressed to me, as a parent, their displeasure in my child’s behavior at a cemetary, I would probably want to remind them that children are not soldiers, nor do they have the same capacity as adults to sit still and behave according to every other adult’s expectation…and to kindly mind their business as I do the best I can to raise my child…and if they feel they have some positive and constructive criticisms, they may offer them to me once, and then don’t bring it up again.

Tha’ts pretty sarcastic, to point out to another adult that children are not soldiers or have adult control capacities. They already know that, so you are acting like they are dummies. You should say, “Oh, I’m sorry about that” and ask your little Lord Flauntleroy to stop walking on gravestones. Sounds like you haven’t instructed him that most people avoid walking on graves and gravestones out of respect for others’ feelings, no matter what the cemetery rules.

Also, their business includes approaching you with their concerns about your child’s behavior, instead of correcting the child personally, so quit blowing them off or trying to regulate their comments.

 

[pianistclare]

A respectful person would not knowingly walk on the final resting place of anyone’s mortal remains. If you can’t walk around without doing so, that is unfortunate.
There is a cemetery at our previous parish and people and the priests always take pains to try to walk between the graves. While it’s true that the people are no longer there, there is a great emotional connection that people have for their loved ones’ graves. After all, that’s why they have markers and flowers. Respect for the dead is just as valid as respect for the living. You are doing the right thing in instructing your small child in this courtesy.
God bless.

 

[gravity]

I think a strong point to be made is that some markers may be damaged by accident. Even if you know a particular marker is very strong a trip may send someone into a much older stone or one that has delicate decorative parts. A newly placed marker may not be fully set. You may also find that cemetery’s often have written rules.

For me cemetery’s are a place where my young children would be expected to be on best behavior.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

I was always taught not to walk on graves. Whenever possible I walk between or around them.

 

[heidi_storage]

Well, sounds to me as though there are two schools of thought in the matter.

It seems to me that my view that a) funerals warrant decorum and walking calmly to the gravesite and b) avoiding stepping on a headstone and/or grave when possible should be sufficient to warrant raising my child as I see fit.

The bigger issue is the ease with which my mother throws around words like “abuse” and “neglect” in the same breath as my parenting abilities whenever a stressful event occurs in her life, but that’s an another topic. “Appropriate boundaries” is a foreign term to my mother, and a continual struggle, so it doesn’t come as a shock, but it’s still disturbing.
(Today is my deceased fathers birthday, he’s been gone 7 years, and he passed within days of my sons birth, so the two are quite linked in everyone’s mind).

But, in the interest of taking what I am told into consideration, to be sure I’m not out in left field (because we abusive and neglectful parents always assume we are always right) I thought I’d ask the minds here at CA. (I lurk quite often, and have for some time, just haven’t ever had a reason to post).

I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you.

This does indeed sound like the more prominent issue. I fail to see how training your child to not walk on gravesites (or failing to do so) is a matter of “abuse” or “neglect”; those are serious words to throw around, with serious implications. (Unless, of course, you’re beating the tar out of your kids to ensure compliance–but that’s a different matter.) I would definitely explain to your mother that this is your parenting decision, and it needs to be respected.

 

[PaulGH]

Now, my question is thus:

Is it generally considered disrespectful to walk on graves and grave stones when there is plenty of space to avoid doing so?

I don’t know if there is a universally recognized rule, but when I was a child, I was taught that one should not walk on a grave (i.e., should not walk directly over where the person’s body is buried), if it is possible to avoid doing so. I had never thought about walking on grave stones, because I am most accustomed to the large headstones that stick up well above the ground, and which would not be easy to walk on. But you probably mean the flat grave markers, that do not stick up above ground level. I have never heard a specific rule regarding those, but common sense would seem to say not to walk on them.

 

[momcrom]

My mother always taught us that it was disrespectful to walk on graves (not just the grave markers, but any area of ground where the remains are buried) unless it was unavoidable, or if you were there to tend to the headstone or plant flowers, or if you were visiting it was OK to kneel and pray there. But in general, walking across graves was a BIG no-no!! I don’t know if it is a cultural thing, or maybe an unwritten rule from previous generations? But she instilled this so strongly in us that I still go to great lengths to NOT step on somebody’s grave, and have taught my kids the same thing.

 

[Miserissima]

There are two distinct issues here.

1. Cemetery etiquette. Where I grew up, you couldn’t but help to walk on a grave (many hillside cemeteries). But yes, it’s rude to step on a marker. But this topic shouldn’t be just to prove a point to your mother.
2. Mom. Face it: if you let your seven year old be seven, she’s going to insist you let him “run wild.” If you instill your values, you’re “expecting too much.”

The cemetery issue seems to be a minor battle in a larger war. Setting consistent boundaries with your mother may help you to parent on your own terms, which has a better outcome (though still emotionally taxing) than validating a single point…again, and again, and again.

 

[Miserissima]

There are two distinct issues here.

1. Cemetery etiquette. Where I grew up, you couldn’t but help to walk on a grave (many hillside cemeteries). But yes, it’s rude to step on a marker. But this topic shouldn’t be just to prove a point to your mother.
2. Mom. Face it: if you let your seven year old be seven, she’s going to insist you let him “run wild.” If you instill your values, you’re “expecting too much.”

The cemetery issue seems to be a minor battle in a larger war. Setting consistent boundaries with your mother may help you to parent on your own terms, which has a better outcome (though still emotionally taxing) than validating a single point…again, and again, and again.