Changing Behavior

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scameter18

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Like I suppose all Catholics do, and people in general, I have many sinful or wrong behavioral habits I have developed and strengthened over time. These can be thoughts that are recurring - specific responses to situations, perceptions about certain people or places, etc. Or they can be emotions that I have supported and fortified over time, such as anger, depression, self-loathing, etc. And finally, they also come in the form of active, external behaviors, such as saying hurtful things to people, assuming people are doing something wrong or foolish when they are not, etc.

I hate these habits. It pains me everytime I do them. But they are very strong and hard to resist, and I often find myself doing them even before I realize it or have the awareness to stop myself; or, I just don’t have the strength to stop even when I do see what I’m doing. I usually try to. When I know there is a particularly “dangerous” - i.e. habit-provoking - situation coming up, I will tell myself that I’m going to be different, I’m not going to give in to my habits, I’m going to do what I should. But, when it comes, I usually don’t. I just start following my same old habits. I have tried different ways to fix this, such as simply forcing myself to be different, trying to think or feel something good to replace a bad thought or feeling I’m experiencing, contemplative-meditative techniques, etc. And I do pray for it everyday.

I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has advice on how to stop these habits and how to develop good ones, especially the ability to be good even in a bad situation (such as being nice or objective to someone being cruel to you), please tell me. I truly wish to fix this, but I need help. I will continue to pray for it, and I ask you to please pray for me as well. Thank you and God bless.
 
I refer you to Albert Ellis, father of Rational Emotive Therapy. He lists 11 irrational beliefs that many people hold.

Irrational beliefs
  1. It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community.
  2. One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person.
  3. People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts.
  4. It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.
  5. Emotional disturbance is mainly externally caused and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.
  6. If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.
  7. One cannot and must not face life’s responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.
  8. One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one’s own life.
  9. One’s past history is an all-important determiner of one’s present behavior and because something once strongly affected one’s life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.
  10. Other people’s disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.
  11. There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.
One combats or repairs these irrational beliefs by examing the belief, asking yourself why you believe this and what belief caused you to have this belief, until ultimately finding the origin and core belief behind it, examining it’s rationality as being correct or incorrect, then rebuilding a new belief system.

Easier said the done I know, but you can begin by examining WHY you believe the things you do and asking yourself, ‘does that makes sense ? What evidence do I have that this is true and correct ?’
 
scameter18 said:
Like I suppose all Catholics do, and people in general, I have many sinful or wrong behavioral habits I have developed and strengthened over time. These can be thoughts that are recurring - specific responses to situations, perceptions about certain people or places, etc. Or they can be emotions that I have supported and fortified over time, such as anger, depression, self-loathing, etc. And finally, they also come in the form of active, external behaviors, such as saying hurtful things to people, assuming people are doing something wrong or foolish when they are not, etc.

I hate these habits. It pains me everytime I do them. But they are very strong and hard to resist, and I often find myself doing them even before I realize it or have the awareness to stop myself; or, I just don’t have the strength to stop even when I do see what I’m doing. I usually try to. When I know there is a particularly “dangerous” - i.e. habit-provoking - situation coming up, I will tell myself that I’m going to be different, I’m not going to give in to my habits, I’m going to do what I should. But, when it comes, I usually don’t. I just start following my same old habits. I have tried different ways to fix this, such as simply forcing myself to be different, trying to think or feel something good to replace a bad thought or feeling I’m experiencing, contemplative-meditative techniques, etc. And I do pray for it everyday.

I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has advice on how to stop these habits and how to develop good ones, especially the ability to be good even in a bad situation (such as being nice or objective to someone being cruel to you), please tell me. I truly wish to fix this, but I need help. I will continue to pray for it, and I ask you to please pray for me as well. Thank you and God bless.
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You are doing really well, I think. The first and major step in overcoming failure, is to know where I fail and to strive to overcome. Real failure is failing to recognize where I fail or if I do recognize it, to do nothing about it. Grace (The Holy Spirit) is at work in you, be confident of that.

A habit will develop only over time and with repeating a particular behaviour - it will take time too and repeating good behaviour to overcome behaviours that have developed into bad habits. Hence it will be a journey - not an event that you effect ‘overnight’. Don’t ask too much of yourself and know that God does not expect too much of you either except that you are:
  • consistently trying to overcome bad habits
  • not becoming discouraged if you fail, rather abandoning yourself in trust to His Understanding, Loving and Compassionate Mercy.
  • in the face of failure, you simply renew sorrow and effort.
You have conditioned yourself into negative behaviours and developed habits. Conditioning or a habit is not easily overcome in the normal course. Hence if you fail in your quest, simply renew your sorrow and persevere.
Regular confession and putting Father in the picture of what has happened and of your desire to overcome will draw many Graces in your struggle. Listen carefully to what he has to say. It may even be helpful to make an appointment with a priest and explain things to him asking his guidance - this would be an appointment asking spiritual direction. It cannot replace the Sacrament of Penance but talking to a priest in an appointment may be helpful if you feel you would respond to this type of situation. You could even seek out regular spiritual direction.

Just as it has taken time to develop bad habits, it is going to take time and application to overcome them. Go to Confession regularly and pray daily - do not be discouraged by failure. We are all broken creatures and fail somewhere and usually have some sort of habitual type of failure or failure we find difficult to overcome. The only thing that differs between us all is probably the type of failure and its degree. Remember that Jesus said that He came for sinners, not the righteous who have no need of Him - find refuge in Him and in His Constant Loving Mercy “come to Me all you who labour and are burdened, and I will give you rest”.

Remember too St. Paul’s problem : “why is it that I find myself doing those things I have made up my mind not to do” - and St. Paul’s problem is a rather common one to human nature generally.
Will certainly keep you in prayer and please keep me in yours.

TS
 
In addition to the wonderful advise given above, you might wish to consider looking for the “common denominator” in many of your behaviors. I did this by examining by bad habits against the “Seven Deadly Sins”.
By doing this I found that most of my “bad habits” were tracable to one or more of these seven. Once I understood the root cause I was better able to focus my attention, prayer and efforts. It is still a struggle and I fail more than I succeed, but I can see progress as well.
The big thing it helps me avoid is becoming too “scattered” trying to fix individual “bad habits” instead of looking for and repairing the common “root cause” of those several, related, bad habits.

The great thing is that, for each of these “deadly sins” there is a “Heavenly Virtue” so that we can have goals to strive for as we seek to replace the bad habit with good.

Peace
James
 
Thank you for these posts and the link.

I printed it out and will use it daily.
 
MaryMagdala said:
Thank you for these posts and the link.

I printed it out and will use it daily.
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St Francis de Sales in the Introduction to the Devout Life says that in the course of our morning meditations we should make very specific resolutions. If we are struck by Christ’s gentleness and want to emulate it, we should not just say, I will be more gentle today, but instead say, when my neighbor starts in on me again about that thing that is not my fault, I will say, I am sorry about that and ask how her daughter is. Or when my boss starts trying to rush me and I get all nervous, I will take a quick bathroom break so I can pull myself back together… and then imagine yourself doing it.

I can’t find the reference to this right now, but if you want it, I will get it for you.
 
I have mixed feelings about Ellis. REBT has some good applications, but as you can see by reading the way he expresses himself, he’s too sacrastic and insensitive to appreciate the difficulties people have changing their behavior. He makes light of serious problems and that only belittles people who are struggling. Basically, he made his patients feel like idiots.

Cognitive psychology is very similar and the cognitive-behavioral approach to changing behavior does what REBT does without being so insulting that you want to walk away in disgust. I’ve found the work of Aaron Beck to be more helpful.
 
Thank you all very much for your wonderful replies and prayers. I will keep all of you in my prayers as well as I try to implement the great advice you have given me. Thanks again and God bless. 🙂
 
St. Francis,

Yes, I would like the reference.
I have his book and would be glad to look it up.
 
My dear friend

Bad habits are usually overcome by practising the opposing virtues. Have you thought about lookung into what the virtues are and pursuing these? eg. I am nasty to people who are nasty to me. What do I do? Why not go out of your way to practise the virtue of charity with everyone. If we build up the virtue of charity we can gradually overcome the vices opposed to it.

If one wants to grow in all virtues one simply has to really focus on acquiring just one of the cardinal virtues and all others follow with it. It’s a less common known trick.

Check out vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm for info from the vatican on these and some others.

Hope it helps. Doing penance or sacrifices to atone is a good remedy along with the sacraments and prayer too.

God bless you:thumbsup:🙂

John
 
John_Russell_Jr said:
My dear friend

Bad habits are usually overcome by practising the opposing virtues. Have you thought about lookung into what the virtues are and pursuing these? eg. I am nasty to people who are nasty to me. What do I do? Why not go out of your way to practise the virtue of charity with everyone. If we build up the virtue of charity we can gradually overcome the vices opposed to it.

If one wants to grow in all virtues one simply has to really focus on acquiring just one of the cardinal virtues and all others follow with it. It’s a less common known trick.

Check out vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm for info from the vatican on these and some others.

Hope it helps. Doing penance or sacrifices to atone is a good remedy along with the sacraments and prayer too.

God bless you:thumbsup:🙂

John
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Great Post John 👍

Ties in nicely with Post number 4 where is also mentioned the Heavenly Virtues and Deadly Sins.

Peace
James
 
JRKH said:
In addition to the wonderful advise given above, you might wish to consider looking for the “common denominator” in many of your behaviors. I did this by examining by bad habits against the “Seven Deadly Sins”.
By doing this I found that most of my “bad habits” were tracable to one or more of these seven. Once I understood the root cause I was better able to focus my attention, prayer and efforts. It is still a struggle and I fail more than I succeed, but I can see progress as well.
The big thing it helps me avoid is becoming too “scattered” trying to fix individual “bad habits” instead of looking for and repairing the common “root cause” of those several, related, bad habits.

The great thing is that, for each of these “deadly sins” there is a “Heavenly Virtue” so that we can have goals to strive for as we seek to replace the bad habit with good.

Peace
James
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Great post too James. The deadly sins are just that. I heard a major one that nearly made it to the final list was gloominess. They all lead to multitudes of sins, hence the name deadly. Good advice. Thanks.

God bless you:thumbsup:🙂

John
 
John_Russell_Jr said:
Great post too James. The deadly sins are just that. I heard a major one that nearly made it to the final list was gloominess. They all lead to multitudes of sins, hence the name deadly. Good advice. Thanks.

God bless you:thumbsup:🙂

John
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Thanks.
My backgound in “Quality Assurance” led me to these as ai was returning to The Church.
The Idea of going to confession and recounting sinful “deeds” reminded me too much of simply reporting “nonconformances” without seeking the root cause for the repeated failures. Something that is useful but does little to root out the real problems and also, taken individually can seem overwhelming.
In industry a “nonconformance” is to be investigated to uncover the “root cause” and then “preventive action” taken to assure that the same error cannot occur again. While a list of possible non-conformances can be very long, the list of possible root causes is relatively short. Many seemingly different conconformances can be seen to stem from a single “root cause”.
The same thing is true for sin. Many “sinful acts” can often be seen to stem from a single, or couple of, root causes. That is why I like the “Seven Deadly…”, and the "Seven Heavenly…, lists. They provide very clear “root causes” for most of our sinful actions.

Peace
James
 
JRKH said:
Thanks.
My backgound in “Quality Assurance” led me to these as ai was returning to The Church.
The Idea of going to confession and recounting sinful “deeds” reminded me too much of simply reporting “nonconformances” without seeking the root cause for the repeated failures. Something that is useful but does little to root out the real problems and also, taken individually can seem overwhelming.
In industry a “nonconformance” is to be investigated to uncover the “root cause” and then “preventive action” taken to assure that the same error cannot occur again. While a list of possible non-conformances can be very long, the list of possible root causes is relatively short. Many seemingly different conconformances can be seen to stem from a single “root cause”.
The same thing is true for sin. Many “sinful acts” can often be seen to stem from a single, or couple of, root causes. That is why I like the “Seven Deadly…”, and the "Seven Heavenly…, lists. They provide very clear “root causes” for most of our sinful actions.

Peace
James
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Dear James

You have a good system. You make a good point about confession. I’ve also often thought of the quote" charity covers a multitude of sins." I think it means we not only cut down purgatory but is the guide to overcome all sin and is the perfect fulfillment of the law as love does no wrong. If we have everything… but we have not charity…we have nil.

God bless you:thumbsup:🙂

John
 
Thank you all again very much for your help. I have been trying to implement these and it is working well.

Another supplement I have been using to enact more charity in my life, in place of vices especially anger and impatience, is reading about the charitable lives of saints, such as St. Therese of Lisieux (the Little Flower), Mother Theresa (essentially a saint :D), St. Francis, St. John the Apostle, etc., and of course Jesus Christ, who is Love. Reading about the goodness they practiced in their lives, even when faced with evil or aggravation from others, is very inspiring. Also, I feel that a strong spiritual foundation, based in the Liturgy and Sacraments, Bible reading and the reading of other infallible or spiritual books like Introduction to the Devout Life or a papal encyclical (I’m currently reading “Spe Salvi”) is very important.

God bless. 🙂
 
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