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SpeakKindly
Guest
Is it a sin to start having sex but change your mind about having sex during a fertile period and stop before he’s finished? Is this allowed?
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MrsLLD
Guest
Of course one can change their mind. There is no sin although you might have a frustrated spouse!
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ClearWater
Guest
Why would it be sinful? It’s not.
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pensmama87
Guest
I’d say it’s not very nice, but I don’t know if it’s sinful or not.
I have “shut it down” in the middle of things, but due to pain or feeling like I might get sick (not due to anything in particular my husband was doing, but if I was getting over being sick and overestimated how much better I was, for instance.). Or sometimes those little fun creatures call children decide they can’t leave us alone.
But I can’t imagine deciding to go ahead and then stopping because I changed my mind about wanting to conceive that cycle. I feel like I would have to be at peace with that decision, and if I wasn’t at peace with it I wouldn’t go ahead in the first place. I’d also want to make sure my husband and I were on the same page and he knew that it was potentially fertile first, and that he was also OK with that, if that makes sense.
I also think that if you stay stop, regardless of why, your husband should stop.
I have “shut it down” in the middle of things, but due to pain or feeling like I might get sick (not due to anything in particular my husband was doing, but if I was getting over being sick and overestimated how much better I was, for instance.). Or sometimes those little fun creatures call children decide they can’t leave us alone.
But I can’t imagine deciding to go ahead and then stopping because I changed my mind about wanting to conceive that cycle. I feel like I would have to be at peace with that decision, and if I wasn’t at peace with it I wouldn’t go ahead in the first place. I’d also want to make sure my husband and I were on the same page and he knew that it was potentially fertile first, and that he was also OK with that, if that makes sense.
I also think that if you stay stop, regardless of why, your husband should stop.
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JMKC
Guest
I’m inclined to say that it would be a sin to do so if it’s done with a contraceptive mentality. If a couple doesn’t engage in sexual relations because they wish to space their births, it’s perfectly acceptable. But, to knowingly share in the martial embrace during a fertile period, and then stop midway to avoid pregnancy sounds a lot like (and I think indeed constitutes) coitus interruptus. Ideally, the couple would refrain from intercourse in the first place. I think it comes down to intention to a large extent. If a couple were having sex and their child came into the room, then it would have to be stopped, and this would be perfectly moral and understandable; this incident does not change their intentions or openness to life (assuming they were open to it throughout the act). When it comes to stopping purely because it’s a fertile period, I would say that consent to the act and to the consequences (i.e. the chance of pregnancy) was given at the moment the husband and wife began being intimate. Therefore, to renege on their openness to life would constitute sin.
With this said, if the OP is merely stating a fact that it’s a fertile period, but that for other reasons (other than lacking openness to life) sex was stopped, assuming those reasons are moral (i.e. children coming into the room, an unreasonable amount pain felt by one of the spouses), then I don’t think it equals having a contraceptive mentality. In other words, stopping for a legitimate and morally acceptable reason during a fertile period wouldn’t, in my estimation, amount to sin.
With this said, if the OP is merely stating a fact that it’s a fertile period, but that for other reasons (other than lacking openness to life) sex was stopped, assuming those reasons are moral (i.e. children coming into the room, an unreasonable amount pain felt by one of the spouses), then I don’t think it equals having a contraceptive mentality. In other words, stopping for a legitimate and morally acceptable reason during a fertile period wouldn’t, in my estimation, amount to sin.
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underacloud
Guest
I can’t agree with this.
(and will note, as I tend to when it comes up, that “contraceptive mentality” is IMO a meaningless term when applied to NFP.)
Yes, ideally they would not start to begin with. But changing their minds would be a just thing to do, assuming there is a just/serious reason to avoid pregancy for the couple. Stopping sex because they have changed their minds and come to a more rational decision (they were probably caught up in passion and not thinking straight), would not constitute any sin. The victory of rational thought over animal instincts is virtuous.
It is not “coitus interruptus”, unless they continue on to climax deliberately appart from the conjugal act.
As to the suggestion that they already gave consent so must continue…if I go bungee jumping and sign a consent form, but at the platform change my mind, should the operators throw me off anyway? Should I be compelled to go through with it?
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pensmama87
Guest
I guess for me my answer depends too on whether or not both spouses agree to stop, or if it’s just one. The way I read the OP, it was just one who wanted to stop, hence my comment that it’s “not nice.”
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phil_at_dayboro
Guest
Goodness Gracious Me, the things that go on,
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SuperLuigi
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That’s what the forum is for, Phil.
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JMKC
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I think it depends on the situation. If a couple were to consistently begin sex with the intention of not finishing to completion in order to avoid pregnancy, I think the Church is pretty clear that that’s wrong. So, if a couple began having sex with the intention of not finishing, just so they could have the pleasure but avoid conception, I’d say that’s a no-no. If a couple, in the heat of the moment began having sex, then came to their senses and recalled the serious reason why they were avoiding getting pregnant, I can see how that would be considered reasonable. Like I said in my earlier post, I think it’s a matter of intention. Beginning with the intention of not finishing is a sin. Beginning, then recognizing the reason to stop without any premeditation, seems like a different situation. However, I would think that a couple would recognize that it’s a period of abstinence well before the act began. If they’re in communication about these things, I can’t see how, even with passions involved, marital relations would begin without a recognition that it wouldn’t finish to completion. I’m not suggesting that the couple has to continue if they have a grave reason for avoiding pregnancy, but I am saying that at the very least there would be some amount of sin involved for beginning knowing that it wouldn’t finish to completion. That’s just my 2¢.
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JMKC
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And just to clarify a bit, if a couple began relations with the intention to complete, but midway through changed their mind due to their circumstances, I think that’s entirely different than starting with the intention of not completing the act. Just don’t want to be misunderstood.
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underacloud
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I fully agree.
Fair enough. It is a little hard to see how they start out thinking all is OK and then decide later that it’s not - apart from just getting carried away and thinking “what the heck…” but then having second thoughts later.
I think there are plenty of “what the heck…” babies out there. I’d suggest it’s not an uncommon thought process in the practise of NFP.
As you say, if there is a deliberate intent from the start not to finish, it would be sinful. But to be fair, the OP said “change your mind” so seems to imply that they started witht he right intent (to finish the act) but thought better of it.
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JMKC
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Good point. That was an error on my part for arguing from a perspective that the OP likely wasn’t coming from. Thanks for the correction there
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underacloud
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No dramas. It seems, without much fuss, that we are in agreement after all.Good point. That was an error on my part for arguing from a perspective that the OP likely wasn’t coming from. Thanks for the correction there
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Memaw
Guest
No comparison, Bungee jumping is not at all a sin either way. This question needs the help of a priest as we are not qualified to answer it. To many different thoughts on the subject. I say talk to a priest and let him guide you. God Bless, Memaw
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FrenzyJen
Guest
As someone who has feared this very thing being a sin, and has pushed through despite several different very good reasons to stop, I believe no, it is not a sin. The damage it does to the relationship when one party doesn’t feel they have an option to stop took me a very long time to recover from.
I now say nevermind whenever I need to, knowing that my individual good (or bad) affects the relationship just as much. When lovemaking becomes something to “endure”, it is no longer lovemaking.
I now say nevermind whenever I need to, knowing that my individual good (or bad) affects the relationship just as much. When lovemaking becomes something to “endure”, it is no longer lovemaking.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
I can’t imagine a healthy marriage where this happened several times…
This would not happen in my marital bed. As for the sinful aspect of it… I don’t know. I’ll tell you that if it was my wife, and she did this and her reasons were potentially sinful. I would not point that out at the time.
But rather work to make sure we were on the same page in the future.
Sex is hard with this question because it involves two people and God. So it would be odd for all three people involved to change their minds at the same time…
But I suppose that could happen.
I can’t imagine it would be healthy to have happen a few times. A man might be tempted to have a “go fast before she says no” mentality if it were a common occurrence.
Sinful or not, I don’t think it is Holy, or optimal.
Now of course that is just if one “changes their mind” If we are talking about pain or other serious reasons to stop the act then of course one should stop.
This would not happen in my marital bed. As for the sinful aspect of it… I don’t know. I’ll tell you that if it was my wife, and she did this and her reasons were potentially sinful. I would not point that out at the time.
But rather work to make sure we were on the same page in the future.Sex is hard with this question because it involves two people and God. So it would be odd for all three people involved to change their minds at the same time…
But I suppose that could happen.I can’t imagine it would be healthy to have happen a few times. A man might be tempted to have a “go fast before she says no” mentality if it were a common occurrence.
Sinful or not, I don’t think it is Holy, or optimal.
Now of course that is just if one “changes their mind” If we are talking about pain or other serious reasons to stop the act then of course one should stop.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
That is a good point too. I did not consider the other way around, that one might feel pressured to do something they do not want to do. I guess I was coming at it from a position of a healthy sexual and Holy marriage where communication is employed and the well being of the other and full understanding of sex in a Catholic context was assumed. Not everybody has that…
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underacloud
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Neither is a married couple choosing to have sex or choosing not to have sex (for just reasons). Anyway, it was a comment on the nature of consent itself, independent of specific context. And I stand by it…if you need it discussed in the context of sin we can go down that route too.
So what, they should stop having sex, give their pastor a call, ask him whether they need to continue or can morally stop, and then either get back into it or cool off depending on his advice?
If this is an issue that continues to happen, yes they need to discuss with a priest. If this is a question about a one-off scenario, then I believe the answers offered sufficiently address it - if there was no intention at the beginning to stop short of insemination, there is no sin here (assuming just reasons to avoid, etc).
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Memaw
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The OP asked the question, NONE of us are qualified to answer it, that’s my opinion. God Bless, MemawNeither is a married couple choosing to have sex or choosing not to have sex (for just reasons). Anyway, it was a comment on the nature of consent itself, independent of specific context. And I stand by it…if you need it discussed in the context of sin we can go down that route too.
So what, they should stop having sex, give their pastor a call, ask him whether they need to continue or can morally stop, and then either get back into it or cool off depending on his advice?
If this is an issue that continues to happen, yes they need to discuss with a priest. If this is a question about a one-off scenario, then I believe the answers offered sufficiently address it - if there was no intention at the beginning to stop short of insemination, there is no sin here (assuming just reasons to avoid, etc).
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