Changing name after marriage?

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veritas_B16

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Hi all,

I just got married (Oct 18!) and, having returned from honeymooning and all that good stuff, we are settling back into real life mode…

My reason for posting here has to do with name changes.

I have NO PROBLEM being known as Mrs. my husband’s last name – this isn’t one of those radical feminist issues or anything. However, I work in a field where I have become very known by my maiden name (academic and professional records ). Also, I work for the government and changing my name will definitely complicate things.

It looks like I am going to keep my name professionally, and on all my records, and be happily known in other circles by my husband’s name.

Has anyone else been through this? If anyone has any comments/experiences/encouragement, I would love to hear…

thx!
sarah
 
I have no experience in being known for my maiden name… but my only suggestion is to consider making your maiden name into your middle name (and dropping your middle name)… that may help in that regard!

It IS a LOT of work to change your name… and it will take quite some time. Have fun at the Social Security office… that one is usually scary. The DMV is also an experience. Other than that, having a valid copy of your marriage license in your purse at all times is my only other suggestion. It takes some time, but once it’s all done there aren’t any issues.

Good luck and congrats on your recent marriage! 🙂
 
Yup… I have… until I was about 2 weeks from delivering our first and the hospital(government facility as I worked for the government as well) told me that the child would have my last name and my husband would have to adopt his own child if I didn’t change my name…
 
I was known in academic circles by my maiden name, so when I got married, I kept my maiden name as my middle name.

Do not be discouraged by all the hoops you may have to jump through during the process, however; it really does take forever for a name change to stick, especially if, like me, you were independent and older (30s) when you got married.

Like Em, I also carry a copy of my marriage cert in my bag just in case. It has come in handy more than once.

Best of luck, and please feel free to PM me if you need some advice on the name-change process. It’s all still very fresh in my mind.

*Stella
 
veritas_B16 said:
Hi all,

I just got married (Oct 18!) and, having returned from honeymooning and all that good stuff, we are settling back into real life mode…

My reason for posting here has to do with name changes.

I have NO PROBLEM being known as Mrs. my husband’s last name – this isn’t one of those radical feminist issues or anything. However, I work in a field where I have become very known by my maiden name (academic and professional records ). Also, I work for the government and changing my name will definitely complicate things.

**It looks like I am going to keep my name professionally, and on all my records, and be happily known in other circles by my husband’s name. **

Has anyone else been through this? If anyone has any comments/experiences/encouragement, I would love to hear…

thx!
sarah
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ETA:
Ahh, I just read the bolded part 😊 . Yes that is exactly what we do. It works OK for us. It hasn’t really caused any serious problems, the kids and school seem OK with it. So if it works for you I say go for it.

There is no rule that says you have to change your name. But if you want to I agree with keeping your maiden name as a middle name, or going the hyphenated route.

If you and dh are happy with you keeping your maiden name, then by all means, there is nothing wrong with that. At first it did bother my dh, and I would have changed it if it was that important to him. But in the end we decided together that we were OK with this. However, at the school and church I am often refered to as Mrs.******, and I am OK with that too.

As for childrens last name, that is something that varies state to state. Where I am at I am free to name my child anything I want, my last name, dh’s last name, or a completely different last name. All of my children have dh’s last name, not mine.
 
mommamia said:
As for childrens last name, that is something that varies state to state. Where I am at I am free to name my child anything I want, my last name, dh’s last name, or a completely different last name. All of my children have dh’s last name, not mine.
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Yes, that varies from State to State & in Canada from Province to Province. In the province where I live now there are 4 options: mom’s surname, dad’s surname, mom/dad surname, dad/mom surname.
 
My sister kept her maiden name officially. Other than that she goes by her married name in social situations and when she’s introducing herself to the kids school or whatever. Only on taxes or signing checks does she use her maiden name.
 
When I got married all of 11 1/2 years ago, in the People’s Republic of California, changing my name was one of the easiest things I ever did. One trip to DMV and one trip to the Social Security Office, which was NOT difficult, BTW. It’s not that I don’t believe those of you who say it was difficult for you… I just wonder why it was so easy for me.

I respectfully submit that there is some part of you resisting the name change, and you should evaluate that part of yourself. Are you buying into the whole “becoming wife as losing identity” feminist bullhockey? You are who you choose to be. Sandra Day O’Connor’s professional life doesn’t seem to have been hampered by taking her husband’s name!

I changed mine from First Middle Maiden to First Middle Maiden Married. I sign my name with two middle initials. As in First M.M. Married.

Danielle Crittenden, an author, wrote about how she kept her maiden name for professional use, and goes by her husband’s name socially. She said that it’s awkward sometimes when she has to decide how to introduce herself at functions. And she said she feels like she has a split personality. She wishes she would have just changed it wholesale upon marriage and gotten it over with.
 
BlestOne said:
Yup… I have… until I was about 2 weeks from delivering our first and the hospital(government facility as I worked for the government as well) told me that the child would have my last name and my husband would have to adopt his own child if I didn’t change my name…
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WHAT!?!?!?!?! Where was this?

In my state you can give the child any last name you like. It doesn’t have to be the same as either parent. (But until the birth certificate is filled out the baby does get officially referred to as “Baby Boy/Girl Mother’s-last-name”.)
 
I’d only published one paper under my maiden name, so I decided to change it after getting married and establish THAT name in my field 😃

If my marriage happened later, I probably would decide to keep my old name.

I don’t see it as a feminist issue at all. Keeping your father’s (and other male ancestors’) name as opposed to taking your husband’s (and his male ancestors’)? I understand that some see it as a feminist thing to do, but I don’t understand why. :confused:

Identity? In my case, my old initials were DD (which is kinda cute) and my new initials spell ID (which kinda has a meaning and gives me ‘identity’ - literally) so I chose to change my name. Really frivolous reasons!

I really can’t see it as a religious or moral or any other issue. To me, it’s strictly administrative. :o
 
capsaicin said:
When I got married all of 11 1/2 years ago, in the People’s Republic of California, changing my name was one of the easiest things I ever did. One trip to DMV and one trip to the Social Security Office, which was NOT difficult, BTW. It’s not that I don’t believe those of you who say it was difficult for you… I just wonder why it was so easy for me.

I respectfully submit that there is some part of you resisting the name change, and you should evaluate that part of yourself. Are you buying into the whole “becoming wife as losing identity” feminist bullhockey? You are who you choose to be. Sandra Day O’Connor’s professional life doesn’t seem to have been hampered by taking her husband’s name!

I changed mine from First Middle Maiden to First Middle Maiden Married. I sign my name with two middle initials. As in First M.M. Married.

Danielle Crittenden, an author, wrote about how she kept her maiden name for professional use, and goes by her husband’s name socially. She said that it’s awkward sometimes when she has to decide how to introduce herself at functions. And she said she feels like she has a split personality. She wishes she would have just changed it wholesale upon marriage and gotten it over with.
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I’m glad it was easy for you. For me, it was a real headache, as I had to provide proof not only to the DMV and the Soc. Security office (meaning extra time taken off of work to wait in lines because I had exactly 30 days in which to accomplish this), but also to any creditors, and all of them seemed to have different requirements for proof of marriage.

If I had published scientific papers under my maiden name, I’m not sure I would have gone through all the bother of changing my name. Even now I’m a bit sad that I did, as I really liked my maiden name and I’m my parents’ only child so there aren’t any brothers to pass the name down. I didn’t know that I had the option of keeping my maiden name as a middle name. If I could go back and do it over I would take that option, no question.
 
Ah, SeekerJen and Litcrit, that’s a lot of where I’m at! I have several scientific papers published under my maiden name.

Coincidentally, I am also my parents’ only child, although I can’t say that is a factor in my decision.

I actually have an aunt who retained her maiden name for professional reasons when she married, but at her synagogue (yep, she is Jewish! we have quite a mixed family) and to her son’s friends, she is called by her married name, no biggie.

I think the feminist bent on this grew out of women who just wanted to outright reject the idea of “traditional” marriage and male authority, and I am sure there are still many out there who would take that path.

That’s not what this is about for me; I, too, see it as an administrative issue.
 
Litcrit said:
I don’t see it as a feminist issue at all. Keeping your father’s (and other male ancestors’) name as opposed to taking your husband’s (and his male ancestors’)? I understand that some see it as a feminist thing to do, but I don’t understand why. :confused:
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I always thought the whole argument was ludicrous for this reason as well. You don’t want to abide by the patrilineal custom of taking your husband’s name, so you insist on abiding by the patrilineal custom of going by your father’s name. Uhhhh, OK, I totally get how that defines your fiercely independent feminist identity.😛

veritas, I hope you can come to a solution that is comfortable for you. For what it’s worth, no one ever told me I had the option of keeping my maiden name as a middle name… I just did it. I TOLD the authorities that this is how my name will be, and they did it. But I did base it on the older custom of women doing the same thing. You know like Harriet Beecher Stowe and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. People used to not give girls middle names, knowing that they would use their maiden name as a middle name once married.
 
I would have preferred to keep my maiden name because it identified my cultural background but DH was in the military and in 1975 that would have just been a major administrative nightmare.

Fast forward 15 years or so and in Quebec wives were told they could no longer assume their husband’s surname but if they wanted to it had to be a legal name change IOW, your birth certificate changed. Military adapted just fine. Darn! I could have been a pioneer.
 
I kept my last name only because I didn’t like my husband’s last name. If he would of had a decent last name, I would of changed it.
 
I have several academic papers published under my maiden name so I have kept it. It is what I use for all official purposes (passport, tax etc). However, socially I am known to most people by my married name. It has caused no problems to date and we have been married 8 years.

Gearoidin
 
One way to have both names, that might cause less administrative hassle, is to hyphenate. If your name is Alpha and his is Bravo, you become Firstname Alpha-Bravo. Your name is still in the same place, alphabetically, so someone looking for you by your maiden name can still find you.

I don’t know how that would work in Japan, though.

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
Hyphenating was people’s most frequent choice throughout the last two or three decades here, but it seems women have recently started taking their husband’s name - just one.

Administrative stuff with hyphenated names is a bit tricky. If you refer to yourself by either name, that’s correct and you have no trouble with that. People mostly use just one of their names at a time and pretty much the same is done by others when referring to an individual with two names. However, sometimes you need “full legal name” or some such and then a scrupulous public servant could give you a bad time (legally you don’t have two names but one name consisting of two components). However, sometimes you only really know the person’s full name if you actually get to see an ID or perhaps if you meet a woman professionally known by one surname using both of them in private contexts or if you hear it from someone else referring to her.
 
It used to be your name was your given name, there were so few that many families had two or three by the same name most towns had several, and nicknames (“also-names”) were how people knew who was who. People with property (the house by the well, the mills, the estate on the bank of the river) would identify themselves as such (John Atwell, Anna Muller, Pierre Cote-de-Riviere etc.) People with no property were identified by traits or occupation (Mary Black [hair], Johann Kurtz [a short guy], Jane Wainwright [member of a family of wagonmakers of wheelmakers]). Over time, since women usually married men richer than they were if possible, they took their husbands’ surnames, so they could be viewed and remembered as heirs to their husbands’ property. Some women from rich or connected families kept their names so as to retain those connections, and some hyphenated. Women known for their own work have always had the choice of keeping the names by which they were known before marriage for use in business, but in purely social contexts such as invitations, they were Mrs. (Mistress of the house of) Husband’s Full Name. That’s the system last time it was set in concrete. Now that everything’s fluid again I think you can recast it to suit your life.
 
I have experience with this. I kept my maiden name at the beginning of our marriage. It hurt my husband and he would be called Mr. (my maiden name). It was confusing to my childrens teachers. It became embarassing to my husband. I decided I did the wrong thing and I dishonored my husband. I am happy that I took my husbands name. It was selfish of me to do it in the first place. Men want to take care of their wives and family. The professional world will adapt and get over you taking your husbands name but your husband may not. Who is more important to you?
 
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