Charitable response to not-so-charitable suggestions

[Island_Oak]

Looking for some good advice from my wise friends here. . .
In the last few months I have had some minor health challenges which have incidentally caused me to lose what I considered a small amount of weight. Apparently my appearance must have been more dramatically affected than I appreciated as I recently have been beseiged by friends, neighbors and mere acquaintances telling me how thin I look and asking if I’m ok. I was not heavy before all this started (5’4", 115#s) and dropped down to about 105 lbs. I’ve even had speculation/gossip make its way back to me that I this could be a dieting effort run amok and I may have become anorexic or bulemic. Ironic that no one would likely take this approach had I gained 10 lbs.–but I digress…

I’m not in habit of discussing my health issues with anyone who demands information or happens to be a link in the latest gossip chain. I have told a few close friends that what the issue is and how it is being managed by my physicians. Beyond that–do I really owe details to anyone who asks–simply to spare myself a worse sort of speculation? (I can’t imagine anything more dull than subjecting others to the details of someone else’s aches & pains!) Is there a tactful way to address both concern and quash the not so generous gossip?

 

[whatevergirl]

First–I’m sorry you have not been feeling at your best. I think it’s pretty common for some reason, for people to jump to conclusions, often unfounded, that when people lose weight…and are looking ‘too thin,’ then they must be on drugs (as is the case with many celebs) or they are bulemic/anorexic. I would shy away from too many details, but I think it would be okay to say…‘I haven’t been feeling well, and I lost weight…’ (and add that you have heard ‘rumors’ circulating that people are talking about you in ways that you don’t appreciate) This way, you’re not naming names, and bringing attention to one person. I would try that, and hopefully, that will help the situation.

(((hugs))) to you…I hope you’re feeling better soon.

 

[SeekerJen]

Looking for some good advice from my wise friends here. . .
In the last few months I have had some minor health challenges which have incidentally caused me to lose what I considered a small amount of weight. Apparently my appearance must have been more dramatically affected than I appreciated as I recently have been beseiged by friends, neighbors and mere acquaintances telling me how thin I look and asking if I’m ok. I was not heavy before all this started (5’4", 115#s) and dropped down to about 105 lbs. I’ve even had speculation/gossip make its way back to me that I this could be a dieting effort run amok and I may have become anorexic or bulemic. Ironic that no one would likely take this approach had I gained 10 lbs.–but I digress…

I’m not in habit of discussing my health issues with anyone who demands information or happens to be a link in the latest gossip chain. I have told a few close friends that what the issue is and how it is being managed by my physicians. Beyond that–do I really owe details to anyone who asks–simply to spare myself a worse sort of speculation? (I can’t imagine anything more dull than subjecting others to the details of someone else’s aches & pains!) Is there a tactful way to address both concern and quash the not so generous gossip?

You’re nicer than I would be. If I knew that people were spreading malicious gossip about me, I would spare them no minute or gruesome detail when setting the story straight. IMO, they would deserve it.

Of course, since you are nicer than I would be, you could always say, very sweetly and calmly, “I can’t imagine why that would be any of your business. I don’t discuss personal health issues with those outside of my close family.”

 

[chevalier]

You don’t owe those details to anyone, but those people are not nosy as much as they are perhaps a bit misguided and ignoring some parts of courtesy while being concerned with your health. It can be annoying from your point of view, but they don’t mean ill, so I suggest being as kind as you can with them, perhaps telling them it’s OK, you don’t have any eating disorders and you’re getting good care from your doctors and family, and thanking them for their concern. Remember they’re most likely genuinely concerned or trying to be friendly. Clumsy at it perhaps, but not necessarily nosy or prying. Now, if you were perfectly sure they were asking you so they could gossip about it, then you could cut it at, “Thank you, but I’m fine and there’s nothing to worry about,” and move on to your business.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

There was ;an old answer: * If you will forgive me for not answering your question, I will forgive you for asking it*.

 

[Mary_ann_R]

There was ;an old answer: * If you will forgive me for not answering your question, I will forgive you for asking it*

.

I like that answer, Joe!

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Is there a tactful way to address both concern and quash the not so generous gossip?

You could say something like, “Thank you for your concern. I’m seeing a doctor about some personal health issues.” If they ask for more details, (which is likely) just tell them your not comfortable sharing more right now. Then change the subject or end the conversation.

Please also realize that while some people may be gossiping, others are actually concerned for you and your health. I had a friend in a similar situation who had some health issues that resulted in unwanted weight loss; people rarely asked her directly–but they often expressed their concern about her to me, and I do believe it was usually genuine concern. You might enlist your friends who know your situation to help quash the less than generous gossip without divulging your personal details.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Honestly… I would respond honestly! (I’m not a shy person in this regard and would just share the gory details!)
If someone in genuinely concerned, then I would personally take that to heart and be honest!
If they were trying to pry for your secret dieting success then they’ll learn that there is no such thing as an “easy diet” and their jealousy will naturally correct itself!

I experienced a very similar issue after my pregnancies… my thyroid tends to go out of whack and my weight just melts off (literally falling below my pre-pregnancy weight within 2 weeks after having a baby!). When I honestly explained that “I have a thyroid condition that’s triggered by labor and delivery” then their fears or jealousies are quelled and no one gossips!

I guess, for me, honesty just makes all the gossip go away! I guess if you were a shy person about your condition it may make this harder, but after sharing once or twice it becomes easy!

 

[Island_Oak]

You might enlist your friends who know your situation to help quash the less than generous gossip without divulging your personal details.

As much as I loved Joe’s response…this is pretty much where I’ve ended up, since it was a two close friends who finally came to me and shared that “concern” was turning the corner into speculation that was sounding a little bizarre (ie. that maybe I had an eating disorder). So…that’s pretty much where I’ve left it. One friend keeps telling me she’s going to bring over all her leftover Christmas cookies, fudge, chocolates, fruitcakes, etc. and if I’d just eat them I’d solve her guilt and my weight problem…so maybe that’s the solution. Thanks for the responses/suggestions…I was probably taking the concern-turned-gossip a little too personally and feeling defensive. At least (as has been pointed out) I’ve been spared from making weight loss one of my New Year’s resolutions…

 

[DaveBj]

“I wouldn’t dream of discussing something so personal with someone I don’t really know very well.”

(altho Joe’s answer was a good one, too)

DaveBj

 

[Zooey]

You could say something like, “Thank you for your concern. I’m seeing a doctor about some personal health issues.” If they ask for more details, (which is likely) just tell them your not comfortable sharing more right now. Then change the subject or end the conversation.

 

[deb1]

“I wouldn’t dream of discussing something so personal with someone I don’t really know very well.”

(altho Joe’s answer was a good one, too)

DaveBj

I think it is better that someone come out and ask a personal question then speculate as to what might be wrong with the other person. Let’s be honest, most of us are a little bit nosy.

Besides what if Island was anorexic, (I realize that she isn’t,) and she died from the disorder. Everyone would be wondering why some of her friends did not at least try to help her.

So, I think that people are asking her questions is a positive sign. The real losers are the ones who spread gossip based only on their own wild imaginations.