Charitable to abusive family

[bonvivantHermit]

I am sure this has been discussed before, but I need to vent. So forgive me. I have spoken to priests on numerous occasions in confession re: honor your father and mother. I have recvd. advice from call them at least to silence on the priests part.

My family could be best described as dysfunctional to “white trash.” No offense, but it paints the picture well enough. My mother forced us to live in a hoard and cut us off from both sides of family. She was neglectful tot he extreme and screamed bloddy murder my entire childhood. I have one sibling. She is bipolar I suspect- on meds, has been suicidal- few different men- two different fathers etc.
I have never been close to my sister and gave up communicating with my family a few years ago. I suffer from OCD/anxiety, but have managed to move away and get on with my own family and life.

Problem is, is that my family is using Facebook ( child friended her cousin) to insult and attack me. I am selfish according to them. I refuse to respond in any way. There is no discussing their behavior- ends in accusations and screaming. To explain how screwed up my family is- my mother accused me of “seducing” my father when I was a teen. I left home for awhile- she never apologized or acknowledged how sick and warped her accusation was. My father just tries to get along and watch sports. Sports is like his drink.

I am fine not speaking- I am happy and content. I realized how sick they are after I had children- I realized what it means to parent. My mother and father maybe mentally ill or just plain mean- I don’t know, I don’t care.

But how to explain to children? How to manage rest of family?

 

[Litcrit]

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Honoring your parents can be interpreted - at least I’ve heard it interpreted - as living well. Living a good, decent life, as if they’d raised you really well.

Praying for their salvation is also a good, decent thing to do.

You don’t have to maintain contact with someone who continues to abuse you. They will do it to your children as well.

“Grandma and Grandpa weren’t being nice to Mom. Sometimes we have to stop seeing people who won’t stop hurting us. We can pray for them.” This should do it for the kids.

Prayers.

 

[Musician]

I sympathize with you. What a terrible childhood.
I agree with the above poster about explaining to your children.
I will pray for you.

 

[agnes_therese]

Sometimes we have to accept that we **can’t ** “manage” the rest of the family. Often, the only thing you can do about abusive relatives is stay away from them and pray for them.
I would suggest that you explain as much to your child as is age-appropriate, and explain that the best thing for her to do about these messages is to ignore them. If you’re on facebook and are “friends” with any of these folks, you may have to de-friend them. It can’t hurt their opinion of you at this point, anyway.

 

[AthenaC]

Litcrit’s answer is very wise.

Also, you have a right to survive. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. You have the right not to be abused. You are a child of God and you deserve to walk away from anyone who does not treat you with the inherent dignity that truth reflects.

So cut off contact and don’t feel guilty.

 

[familyof4]

I’m so sorry for all you endured, and agree with the sage advice of the above posters. Honoring is not the same as being a door mat. By not engaging in ugly wars of words with your family, you’re doing the best you can.

Have you considered blocking the abusive people, both on your page and your child’s page? That way, they will not be able to contact you, and no matter what they say, you won’t be able to see it. If your child opts not to block relatives, you can share with her what you feel is appropriate to impress on her why it is so destructive to you, and why you aren’t engaging with them.

:hug1: <— from me to you!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Honoring your parents can be interpreted - at least I’ve heard it interpreted - as living well. Living a good, decent life, as if they’d raised you really well.

Praying for their salvation is also a good, decent thing to do.

You don’t have to maintain contact with someone who continues to abuse you. They will do it to your children as well.

“Grandma and Grandpa weren’t being nice to Mom. Sometimes we have to stop seeing people who won’t stop hurting us. We can pray for them.” This should do it for the kids.

Prayers.

This. This poster knows what she’s talking about.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Holy cow patties, Hermit! I could have written your post WORD FOR WORD!!! I mean that, WORD FOR BLOODY WORD!!!

The only difference is my sister and I are repairing our relationship, we’re both growing, and we’re finding we have LOADS in common now!

God bless you, Hermit. Listen to what these others are saying. We’re going through a rough time right now as my beloved grandmother is dying (it’s the end of the world, my friends ). It’s bringing some things to the forefront and I’m having to explain to my seven year-old why we don’t see her maternal grandmother. I told her that people who love you DON’T hurt you and they DON’T let others hurt you. We will pray for her. My 7 year-old is wise. She said, “Sounds like your mother is very sad. I’m sorry she’s so unhappy. I’ll talk to God for her.”

Just know you’re not alone. I’ve heard it time and again, you can honor your parents while not letting them wreck you OR YOUR CHILDREN. God bless you. :hug1:

 

[agnes_therese]

God bless you, Hermit. Listen to what these others are saying. We’re going through a rough time right now as my beloved grandmother is dying (it’s the end of the world, my friends ). It’s bringing some things to the forefront and I’m having to explain to my seven year-old why we don’t see her maternal grandmother. I told her that people who love you DON’T hurt you and they DON’T let others hurt you. We will pray for her. My 7 year-old is wise. She said, “Sounds like your mother is very sad. I’m sorry she’s so unhappy. I’ll talk to God for her.”

I see where she got that wisdom. Sounds like you handled that perfectly.

 

[EasterJoy]

Litcrit’s answer is very wise.

Also, you have a right to survive. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. You have the right not to be abused. You are a child of God and you deserve to walk away from anyone who does not treat you with the inherent dignity that truth reflects.

So cut off contact and don’t feel guilty.

Yes. OP, consider how you want your children to respond to abusive people in their lives. When Our Lord said things like, “shake their dust off your feet in protest” and “don’t throw your pearls before swine”, you know that there gets to be a time when the most loving person in the world has to accept that one’s control over others is limited and to accept that people are choosing what they are choosing, and leave them to it.

Holy cow patties, Hermit! I could have written your post WORD FOR WORD!!! I mean that, WORD FOR BLOODY WORD!!!

The only difference is my sister and I are repairing our relationship, we’re both growing, and we’re finding we have LOADS in common now!

God bless you, Hermit. Listen to what these others are saying. We’re going through a rough time right now as my beloved grandmother is dying (it’s the end of the world, my friends ). It’s bringing some things to the forefront and I’m having to explain to my seven year-old why we don’t see her maternal grandmother. I told her that people who love you DON’T hurt you and they DON’T let others hurt you. We will pray for her. My 7 year-old is wise. She said, “Sounds like your mother is very sad. I’m sorry she’s so unhappy. I’ll talk to God for her.”

Just know you’re not alone. I’ve heard it time and again, you can honor your parents while not letting them wreck you OR YOUR CHILDREN. God bless you. :hug1:

This is a child that has been taught how to love and forgive those who are abusive without letting them just keep up their abuse.

OP, remember that the habit of abuse is ruinous to the soul. The habit of absorbing abuse as if it were not abuse harms both the abused and the abuser. A child can’t know this without a caring adult to teach them, but once an adult realizes it, of course it is right to refuse to accept the status quo. Of course we sometimes need to graciously pass over the mistakes of others without comment, particularly if their bad behavior really is due to a transitory issue beyond their control and their ability to cope, but we don’t do anyone a favor by pretending that the unacceptable is acceptable.

You can’t “manage” anyone, and least of all your family. You might reach out to the family your mother cut you off from, though. You may have loving relatives who have longed to have a relationship with you, but couldn’t. They may be able to help support you in this difficult situation by sharing the trial of caring about but not being able to control your parents’ choices. They may be able to be an extended family that you can embrace and have as mutual support in the greater picture of your lives, too. You never know.

 

[Non_sum_dignus]

Before you can figure out how to deal with your parents, you have to get yourself squared away. You may have a lot of buried trauma never properly dealt with, and the stress of dealing with them regularly would be very difficult as well, I’m sure.

Depending on how the past is affecting you, counseling might be helpful. It’s good that you’re moving on from their dysfunction, but stuff like that can lodge inside of us in unexpected places.

Anyway, they’re giving you one more good reason not to pay attention to Facebook. It tears more people apart than it brings together. Good luck.

 

[Irishgal49]

I am sure this has been discussed before, but I need to vent. So forgive me. I have spoken to priests on numerous occasions in confession re: honor your father and mother. I have recvd. advice from call them at least to silence on the priests part.

My family could be best described as dysfunctional to “white trash.” No offense, but it paints the picture well enough. My mother forced us to live in a hoard and cut us off from both sides of family. She was neglectful tot he extreme and screamed bloddy murder my entire childhood. I have one sibling. She is bipolar I suspect- on meds, has been suicidal- few different men- two different fathers etc.
I have never been close to my sister and gave up communicating with my family a few years ago. I suffer from OCD/anxiety, but have managed to move away and get on with my own family and life.

Problem is, is that my family is using Facebook ( child friended her cousin) to insult and attack me. I am selfish according to them. I refuse to respond in any way. There is no discussing their behavior- ends in accusations and screaming. To explain how screwed up my family is- my mother accused me of “seducing” my father when I was a teen. I left home for awhile- she never apologized or acknowledged how sick and warped her accusation was. My father just tries to get along and watch sports. Sports is like his drink.

I am fine not speaking- I am happy and content. I realized how sick they are after I had children- I realized what it means to parent. My mother and father maybe mentally ill or just plain mean- I don’t know, I don’t care.

But how to explain to children? How to manage rest of family?

One of the beauties of Facebook is you can block people. Just delete and block them. I am in the same boat. I haven’t seen my parents since 1996 at my son’s funeral. I said they could come as long as they didn’t speak to me.

 

[holyrood]

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Honoring your parents can be interpreted - at least I’ve heard it interpreted - as living well. Living a good, decent life, as if they’d raised you really well.

Praying for their salvation is also a good, decent thing to do.

You don’t have to maintain contact with someone who continues to abuse you. They will do it to your children as well.

“Grandma and Grandpa weren’t being nice to Mom. Sometimes we have to stop seeing people who won’t stop hurting us. We can pray for them.” This should do it for the kids.

Prayers.

Beautiful. This is exactly what I do.

Like you, Bonvivant, the longer I parented, the more I realized I would never do to my children the things my parents had said and done. I finally went no contact after a number of negative, ugly incidents, criticisms, judgments, condemnations, etc. However, my family is sweet as pie to my children and the older ones make an effort to go see them now and again. Those kids are adults. There’s nothing I can do but pray.

As to the facebook thing, I defriended one sister after the second time she posted veiled references (critical references) about me and had her friends jumping in to sympathize with her–without having a real clue as to the whole story. My sister called me in a fit that I defriended her. I told her I didn’t feel like looking at the stuff. She ranted repeatedly that she had a right to post whatever she likes on her wall. I agreed, and said I had a right not to have to look at it. Eventually she sent a friend request. I accepted to keep family peace (as if there’s any to be kept) and just set my settings so I never actually see anything on her wall. It works for me. If things got worse, I’d probably defriend again. As it is, she pretty much just ignores me and I never see anything on her wall and don’t care what she sees on mine, so it works for now.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I suffer from OCD/anxiety, but have managed to move away and get on with my own family and life.

Congratulations on making it out and giving your children a better life. Live your life and stop worrying about their screwed up childish games. They’re trying to hold you back; don’t give them the satisfaction of doing so.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Thank you all for your kind words, advice and experience. Your words have helped me a lot.
I am not one to seek advice or help, I think because I do not expect much.
That was hard to admit… anyways. I really appreciated the words and care.

 

[Crafty_Catholic]

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Honoring your parents can be interpreted - at least I’ve heard it interpreted - as living well. Living a good, decent life, as if they’d raised you really well.

Praying for their salvation is also a good, decent thing to do.

You don’t have to maintain contact with someone who continues to abuse you. They will do it to your children as well.

“Grandma and Grandpa weren’t being nice to Mom. Sometimes we have to stop seeing people who won’t stop hurting us. We can pray for them.” This should do it for the kids.

Prayers.

I like the explanation and will have to use that for my own daughter when she wonders why her aunts and uncles never visit her or why we can’t see my own mother…

My Catholic therapist said that sometimes the only way you can honor your mother and father when they are abusive is to give thanks to God that they gave you the gift of life.