Charity and Gifts

[yellowrose]

Hello,

*** I realize I also posted this on the Ask an Apologist forum-- Please answer it there as well. I am only posting it here to also get the opinion of the general Catholic community. Thank you ***

I have been having an issue with the relationship between gift-giving (regarding gifts for special events such as birthdays, baptisms, parties, etc. only) and being charitable.

It is part of my family’s culture to record the amount that someone has given you, when they give you a gift (this especially applies to monetary gifts). These “lists”, when used properly, are not for judging and comparing how much people gave you. Rather, they are used as a standard or guideline for yourself, for gift-giving in the future. This is especially useful in a large family, where it is hard to remember how much is an “appropriate” gift for a certain occasion, and writing it down facilitates this. It also helps because of the multitude of relationships in a large family (niece-aunt, cousin-second cousin, sibling-sibling, etc.); one would generally give their sibling a more generous gift than they would give to their cousin, for example.
When used with a good heart and mind, one does not limit their gift to someone based on how much that person gave them. Rather, they look to the list as a guideline, yet they still give as much as they would like to give, along with as much as they can afford (which I believe, is being charitable).

However, someone very dear to me feels very strongly for the opposite position. He believes that it is utterly uncharitable to keep a list of how much people have gifted you. He believes that you should give people what you can give (which I am still doing even while making a list), and that you shouldn’t make such a judgment on how much they gave you.

In short, I am wondering how charity fits into this, and if it really is uncharitable to keep a list of what people have given you, even if it is only used as a simple guideline, and not for any negative or selfish end.

Please respond, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you. God bless.

 

[AlegreFe]

To be fair to this guy who thinks it is selfish of you to make this list, it does appear that way. But it doesn’t say much for him either because he doesn’t know what’s in your heart.

I’m not really sure. It really does appear to be selfish of you to write this list. The only reason why I would write a list is to make out the Thank You cards, and not to decide what I would give the person who gave me a $50 gift as opposed to the one who gave me a $10 gift.

I myself do not like bday parties for me. I don’t like receiving gifts; too much attention towards me makes me feel, I don’t know… strange? can’t think of a feeling other than strange. Perhaps uncomfortable.

I think gift giving for birthdays is highly overrated. We have enough “stuff,” we don’t need more “stuff.” I make it clear to my daughter and her father to not give me anything for my birthday or Christmas. I especially do not like Valentines day. No, I’m not a stick in the mud. I just don’t believe in giving things that we do not need.

Instead, for my bday, I would want someone to give to the poor. Or have a Mass said for me. Or I’ll have a Mass said for someone else on my bday.

Charity? Give to the poor. Don’t you think we have enough “stuff” as it is?

If you have a family member who is not as fortunate as you and could really use the money to pay the electric bill then by all means give him/her money for her bday. I have done that plenty of times. Or I buy them what they really need if they do not have the money to buy it.

I would never keep track of what was given to me. :nope: Not even to decide on what to get that person when it’s their turn to receive. You do not know the reason why someone gave you a $15 gift and why someone else gave you a $60 gift. Perhaps the person who gave you the $15 gift was actually more generous with what they have. Let’s say that person only had $20. And let’s say the person who gave you a $60 gift actually had $1,000 to spare. Who was more generous with what they had? So you see, you do not know what people can afford. And if you think you can tell by what they have, think again. The more people have the less money they could have. You just don’t know.

 

[yellowrose]

I am not only talking about birthday parties-- how about larger events, such as weddings, in which everyone will be giving you a gift?

Also, I know it is a very charitable thing to give to the poor.
However, Charity does not only refer to giving donations.
I am asking what it means to be charitable in this situation, only.

As I said, I would not judge or compare what people gave me. I would not give someone $10 just because they gave me $10. Nor would I give someone $50 just because they gave me $50. But I would use this as an aid to help me decide on what is an appropriate amount, and then I would work from there. If I wanted to be generous, I would. If I felt that the “standard” amount is enough, then I would do that too.

Gift-giving can never be overrated, if done for the right reasons. A birthday is something to celebrate indeed. The person has lived for one more year-- become that more mature-- got that much farther in their life-- etc. We are thankful that they are here.
If we want to give them a “gift” in celebration of this event, then that is not overrated, it is charitable.
Everyone needs something, nobody has everything (and I don’t mean this only in the materialistic sense).

I believe that if one has a good conscience, a strong will, and is a good person (in the true sense of the word), then there is nothing inherently immoral with them making a list, and using it as an aid.

If someone is selfish (as the person you describe), then I agree that there is something wrong in that situation.

 

[Verbum]

Hi Yellowrose,

The only uncharitable thing I can see in gift-giving is embarrassing someone with an expensive gift that they don’t have the means to match. In that sense, your system is good.

Verbum

 

[AlegreFe]

I am not only talking about birthday parties-- how about larger events, such as weddings, in which everyone will be giving you a gift?

Also, I know it is a very charitable thing to give to the poor.
However, Charity does not only refer to giving donations.
I am asking what it means to be charitable in this situation, only.

As I said, I would not judge or compare what people gave me. I would not give someone $10 just because they gave me $10. Nor would I give someone $50 just because they gave me $50. But I would use this as an aid to help me decide on what is an appropriate amount, and then I would work from there. If I wanted to be generous, I would. If I felt that the “standard” amount is enough, then I would do that too.

Gift-giving can never be overrated, if done for the right reasons. A birthday is something to celebrate indeed. The person has lived for one more year-- become that more mature-- got that much farther in their life-- etc. We are thankful that they are here.
If we want to give them a “gift” in celebration of this event, then that is not overrated, it is charitable.
Everyone needs something, nobody has everything (and I don’t mean this only in the materialistic sense).

I believe that if one has a good conscience, a strong will, and is a good person (in the true sense of the word), then there is nothing inherently immoral with them making a list, and using it as an aid.

If someone is selfish (as the person you describe), then I agree that there is something wrong in that situation.

I don’t see why you started this thread. It appears you have all the answers.

We obviously don’t see eye to eye on this one. I do feel gift giving is overrated. We are too materialistic. If you want to be “charitable” in gift giving then by all means be charitable. But I still don’t see a reason for making a list on who gave you what amount. I don’t see how that sets a standard for when you give something to someone. It would not be charitable then if you keep track like that. And as I stated in my previous post, different people give different amounts for certain reasons. And you don’t know those reasons. And it would be disrespectful if you ask someone why they gave you a certain amount.

I have been to weddings where the couple made it clear they did not want any gifts. :yup:
And guess what, people actually followed their wishes. And I think if anyone gives a gift after being told not to give, then it would be arrogance on their part to give something. As if they want attention saying, “look everyone, I gave something even though they told me not to.”
Yes, pure arrogance.
“…as the hypocrites do in the synagogues.”