Charity vs. boundries

[m_crane]

****A few years ago I started to develope a relationship with some family members that I now would like to end. The reason I wish to end this relationship is I feel I have nothing in common with these relatives and I don’t enjoy their company. I also feel I have been treated rather rudely by them and I think they have very bad manners.

I really have a hard time being in their company. I don’t know what they want from me but I sense an unhealthy competativeness and a nosiness that I have a hard time dealing with.

Unfortunately, I extend most of the invites that get my relatives together because my other relatives never have occasions. My problem is that if I stop inviting them, I would be excluding these relatives from any family functions because the only occasions we have are organized or hosted by me. It has become my job to keep the relatives together and I just can’t do it anymore. I truely am exhausted at the thought of hosting them again.

Please, please tell me what charity dictates in this situation, because I have trouble deciding what is charitable and what is just setting proper boundries.

 

[Paganus]

****A few years ago I started to develope a relationship with some family members that I now would like to end. The reason I wish to end this relationship is I feel I have nothing in common with these relatives and I don’t enjoy their company. I also feel I have been treated rather rudely by them and I think they have very bad manners.

I really have a hard time being in their company. I don’t know what they want from me but I sense an unhealthy competativeness and a nosiness that I have a hard time dealing with.

Unfortunately, I extend most of the invites that get my relatives together because my other relatives never have occasions. My problem is that if I stop inviting them, I would be excluding these relatives from any family functions because the only occasions we have are organized or hosted by me. It has become my job to keep the relatives together and I just can’t do it anymore. I truely am exhausted at the thought of hosting them again.

Please, please tell me what charity dictates in this situation, because I have trouble deciding what is charitable and what is just setting proper boundries.

You could just stop including them if you want, but it sounds to me like there might be a communication problem here. Have you been assertive enough? Did you express your feelings to them and allow them the opportunity to mend their ways? Or did you keep your feelings to yourself and now they are going to have to guess why they are no longer being invited to family gatherings? Assuming that you have told them that their behavior makes you feel insulted and uncomfortable (or however you would put it) and yet they continue to remain a source of irritation, then you could safely drop them like a hot potato and have no regrets.

 

[puzzleannie]

AUnfortunately, I extend most of the invites that get my relatives together because my other relatives never have occasions. My problem is that if I stop inviting them, I would be excluding these relatives from any family functions because the only occasions we have are organized or hosted by me. It has become my job to keep the relatives together and I just can’t do it anymore. I truely am exhausted at the thought of hosting them again.

Please, please tell me what charity dictates in this situation, because I have trouble deciding what is charitable and what is just setting proper boundries.

you can’t end a relationship with relatives you’re stuck with them, but yes you can set boundaries, such as behavior you will tolerate in your own home, how often you see or talk to them, and when you will end such an encounter if their language or actions compromise your safety, health or well-being, including mental and spiritual.

Well before Thanksgiving or the next time you would normally organize the gathering of the clan, call or email every one and let them know, “our circumstances have changed it it simply will be out of the question for us to be the hosts for the dinner-party-clambake whatever. Why don’t you all get together and decide if we will be having a big family blowout this year, when where and how, and let us know the details.” There is no obligation in Christian charity or family pride that puts you in automatic charge of the family social life. If they want to get together that bad they will find a way without you hosting. If not, not.

Then either you can be civil to the problem folks in the short time you are at the party, or you can absent yourselves if the situation promises to be more than you can handle. There is nothing in the bible that commands you to spend time with people who threaten your mental, physical or spiritual health.

 

[m_crane]

You could just stop including them if you want, but it sounds to me like there might be a communication problem here. Have you been assertive enough? Did you express your feelings to them and allow them the opportunity to mend their ways? Or did you keep your feelings to yourself and now they are going to have to guess why they are no longer being invited to family gatherings? Assuming that you have told them that their behavior makes you feel insulted and uncomfortable (or however you would put it) and yet they continue to remain a source of irritation, then you could safely drop them like a hot potato and have no regrets.

it’s very hard to tell someone you are not close to that they have bad manners and are asking nosey questions. Most of the time I can communicate well but I am really only comfortable doing that with people I am close to. These relatives are practically strangers to me. I felt obligated to try to form a relationship with the relative and his new spouse when the relative lost his only parent,who was close relation of mine.

They are very different from my dear relation who passed away and I can’t find any common ground to build something on. It’s very draining to be around them. And they do have their own set of people who share their values and ways of interacting.

Would just prefer to send them a Christmas card and maybe see them at a Wedding or Funeral, like other relatives I have grown away from.

Sometimes it’s best not to know your relatives too well.

Still, I am the only connection to this side of the family. I just can’t keep up the pretense of liking them well enough to entertain them on holidays and such,

I always feel guilty when I don’t like someone.

 

[m_crane]

There is nothing in the bible that commands you to spend time with people who threaten your mental, physical or spiritual health.

Is bad manners, more specifically, no response to invites then no shows, not thanking me for gifts, coming empty handed to invites when the family usually brings a side dish or a bottle of wine, rude questions and a general feeling of ingratitude and perhaps even jealousy. This makes me feel very used (objectified) but is it abuse?

 

[purplesunshine]

Is bad manners, more specifically, no response to invites then no shows, not thanking me for gifts, coming empty handed to invites when the family usually brings a side dish or a bottle of wine, rude questions and a general feeling of ingratitude and perhaps even jealousy. This makes me feel very used (objectified) but is it abuse?

Unless in your invitation you’ve stated you want them to bring something it’s awful rude of you to be upset at them not bringing something…even if it’s “family tradition”.

On another note. If you’re “always hosting” then just stop. If people don’t want it and don’t care then no one will actually care. You can’t make them care. Period. You cannot make them close. You cannot expect out of them what they are not willing to give. Weither or not you host the parties and they come or not.

If you are interested in fighting for a relationship then do it. If not just let it be and let them come to do. You’ve done more than enough.

If they have parties and don’t invite you, then let it be. Forcing them to participate or forcing yourself in will only lead to you being hurt.

 

[PatriceA]

Is bad manners, more specifically, no response to invites then no shows, not thanking me for gifts, coming empty handed to invites when the family usually brings a side dish or a bottle of wine, rude questions and a general feeling of ingratitude and perhaps even jealousy. This makes me feel very used (objectified) but is it abuse?

Well you basically described quite a few members of my family but I wouldn’t consider them as abusive. And I’m sure at one time or another I’ve failed to RSVP or bring a side dish. Those particular issues I would think you might just have to learn to live with or overlook. But the rude behavior would be my concern because that can mean a variety of things to different people. Do you see these people maybe three or four times a year? Do other family members get along with them and enjoy seeing them, is it just you that seems to be annoyed by them?

The thing is just because you invite these people, doesn’t mean you have to be their doormat. You can set boundaries and still be polite and civil. If you were to completely leave them off the invite list, would that create more tension in the rest of the family?

 

[m_crane]

Well you basically described quite a few members of my family but I wouldn’t consider them as abusive. And I’m sure at one time or another I’ve failed to RSVP or bring a side dish. Those particular issues I would think you might just have to learn to live with or overlook. But the rude behavior would be my concern because that can mean a variety of things to different people. Do you see these people maybe three or four times a year? Do other family members get along with them and enjoy seeing them, is it just you that seems to be annoyed by them?

The thing is just because you invite these people, doesn’t mean you have to be their doormat. You can set boundaries and still be polite and civil. If you were to completely leave them off the invite list, would that create more tension in the rest of the family?

I also have other family members who act like this. The difference is that when it gets to bad I can usually say something like heh! help out here. I have a way of saying it that it’s always taken with the good will its requested and the request is not begrudgingly complied with. With these relatives this approach doesn’t work the request is either ignored or complied with grudgingly. That makes it hard to want to be around them.
It would be OK if they showed their regard for me in other ways but I get the feeling I am a person they don’t like either and that’s OK with me but one of us has to bow out.

As for my other family, they do not think well of them. (I did not take a pole, these comments were offered. I even defended them in the beginning) but don’t care because the unpleasantness is’t a problem for them since they never independently interact with them. I am the only one who has befriended them.

It’s hard to convey the the problem without making myself appear picky and self-centered, like they owe me something. Of course they do not. The kindnesses and hospitality were given freely and I wouldn’t take them back. I did what I thought I should do but now I feel I should not do anymore for these relatives.

But my good will toward them has run out, the well is empty, I do not want to defame them in this post but there a many character flaws I just can’t work with, there no middle ground where we can meet. It’s like a bad dating relationship. I feel drained dry and the only thing I can do is treat them politely but I feel I can no longer offer my friendship and hospitality.

Still, am I being uncharitable or just setting boundries?

Will the other relatives extend invites? The answer is no with the exception of one aunt.

 

[butler847]

I also have other family members who act like this. The difference is that when it gets to bad I can usually say something like heh! help out here. I have a way of saying it that it’s always taken with the good will its requested and the request is not begrudgingly complied with. With these relatives this approach doesn’t work the request is either ignored or complied with grudgingly. That makes it hard to want to be around them.
It would be OK if they showed their regard for me in other ways but I get the feeling I am a person they don’t like either and that’s OK with me but one of us has to bow out.

As for my other family, they do not think well of them. (I did not take a pole, these comments were offered. I even defended them in the beginning) but don’t care because the unpleasantness is’t a problem for them since they never independently interact with them. I am the only one who has befriended them.

It’s hard to convey the the problem without making myself appear picky and self-centered, like they owe me something. Of course they do not. The kindnesses and hospitality were given freely and I wouldn’t take them back. I did what I thought I should do but now I feel I should not do anymore for these relatives.

But my good will toward them has run out, the well is empty, I do not want to defame them in this post but there a many character flaws I just can’t work with, there no middle ground where we can meet. It’s like a bad dating relationship. I feel drained dry and the only thing I can do is treat them politely but I feel I can no longer offer my friendship and hospitality.

Still, am I being uncharitable or just setting boundries?

Hey you hit the nail on the head, I have the same situation where the well is dry, so why do we feel guilty for NOT continuing to be charitable?? Help! What is right or wrong???

Will the other relatives extend invites? The answer is no with the exception of one aunt.

 

[agnes_therese]

I don’t see why you would be under any obligation to continue. Maybe they’ve felt they were “obligated” to come when you invited them? If they truly don’t like you, as you suspect, then they may be as relieved as you to stop.

Charity does not have to equal being a doormat. You can be charitable by being nice to them when you do see them (maybe at someone else’s gathering), and by praying for them.

Seems to me you’ve done your best, and it’s time to cut yourself some slack.

It would be OK if they showed their regard for me in other ways but I get the feeling I am a person they don’t like either and that’s OK with me but one of us has to bow out.

As for my other family, they do not think well of them. (I did not take a pole, these comments were offered. I even defended them in the beginning) but don’t care because the unpleasantness is’t a problem for them since they never independently interact with them. I am the only one who has befriended them.

Still, am I being uncharitable or just setting boundries?

Will the other relatives extend invites? The answer is no with the exception of one aunt.

 

[EasterJoy]

Charity dictates that you not judge them, as if you know you would be better than they, if you were in their shoes, or as if you know that God is more pleased with your overall conduct than with theirs. It dictates that you not needlessly hurt their reputations by reporting their bad behavior to anyone who could know who you are talking about and might judge them rashly on account of your reports. It requires that you not exclude them in a direct manner that implies a direct rejection. Don’t call them up and tell them what you’re doing.

Charity doesn’t require that you invite them to functions when they don’t thank you and don’t reciprocate. (Your invitations weren’t a response to their perceived poverty.)

After all, how on earth are these relatives supposed to tell you that they have nothing in common with you, that *they *don’t enjoy your company, and that they think that *you *have very bad manners or have been presumptuous about their willingness to attend your event after event after event? What if they’ve been coming to your events only because they couldn’t figure out how to get out of them without lying?

You can quit cultivating a friendship with them, even though you will always have a relationship with them. Other than weddings and funerals, though, I’d quit notifying them when you’re going to have a family event. If they ask about it, you can say, “Well, you never invited me to your places, so I just figured you weren’t all that wild about getting together quite so often as we did. I mean, other than not encouraging me, how else could you tell your own cousin that you have no problem with her, but that she’s just not your cup of tea?”

If a third party in your family, someone who asks you over once in awhile, asks what’s up, you can tell them that you got the feeling that maybe you were wearing these other relatives out with your invitations, and leave it at that.