Chaste Cohabitation?

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Ankabaranka_87

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Hello,

I was wondering if someone could help me with the following question.

Recently, one of my roommates came up to me with her boyfriend and asked me if it would be ok for him to move into the same house as us for the summer term. My answer to this, was that it was not ok and I can’t accept it. However, I can’t make them NOT live together so I told them that I will move out if that is the case.

They could not understand why I would not accept this even though they will be living in separate rooms and if they did sleep together, sex will not be involved. Knowing how constantly he comes to our place and sleeps in the same bed with her I can bet that they will be sleeping in the same room at least 3/7 days of the week. NOTE they have been sleeping in the same bed for 3 years and nothing has happened [he respects her wishes…she doesn’t want sex and doesn’t feel the ‘urge’ which i find really weird…unless she’s lying to me?].

I explained that this is a near occasion to sin (and as a Catholic, if I allow this to happen I would be hypocritical). However, the guy said that guys are normally horny and even wearing lots of clothes is a ‘near occasion to sin’.

I don’t know how to respond to this. The statistics about higher divorce rates in cohabiting couples are for ones engaging in sex.

I just would like for them to understand my point of view (my friend was trying to justify why it is ok for them to live together). I did tell them that I am a sinner just like them but in this matter my grounds are really strict.

Funny thing is, they were holding this question for weeks. They were terrified on what my response will be 😃 (could it be guilt?).

Can anyone help me explain to them why i have such strong feelings about this?

thanks a bunch!
 
I am glad that you have spoken what you believe. They also cause scandal and allow themselves as a bad example for others to do the same or even worse. If this is the case, they will have to face with God’s judgement.

If I had a roommmate who invited the opposite sex to sleep over like that, I would’ve moved out before they plan to move in together.
 
withwind said:
If I had a roommmate who invited the opposite sex to sleep over like that, I would’ve moved out before they plan to move in together.
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I would have done that if i didnt already pay the down payment for the 8 months that I was living there…and as a student, I can’t afford to lose so much money :-/.

Although I did show that I was grumpy when he was around a lot. I even told my friend (3x actually) that I don’t enjoy that he’s around so much (i used the excuse that i don’t feel comfortable when a guy is around, and I need some space). it took THREE TIMES until he actually DID reduce the amount of times he was sleeping over from 5 or 6 to 3 :mad:

As for the scandel thing, I know that they wouldn’t agree to that. I would need a ‘stronger’ argument :-/
 
I would avoid even chaste cohabitation because it can be a scandal for others.
 
To be honest, I’m not sure I see the scandal either. The only people who would be scandalized are those who know them well enough to be aware of their living arrangements, but not well enough to be aware of their faith. That seems to be a very small class of people.
 
She’s probably lying about the sex part (to make you feel better) , and by kicking them out, you’re probably going to lose your friend. You live your life, and let your friend live hers. Is she, to you, an otherwise savory person and good flatmate? If so, don’t take the chance that you could end up with a less than enjoyable roommate.
 
Et_Cetera said:
She’s probably lying about the sex part (to make you feel better) , and by kicking them out, you’re probably going to lose your friend. You live your life, and let your friend live hers. Is she, to you, an otherwise savory person and good flatmate? If so, don’t take the chance that you could end up with a less than enjoyable roommate.
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I wouldn’t assume so quickly that they’re lying about the sex part. I personally know a couple that will regularly sleep chastely in the same bed (the boyfriend was one of my best friends). They actually became something of a legend in my high school, and were voted prom king and queen.

Wouldn’t that actually be the opposite of scandal?
 
Lujack said:
I wouldn’t assume so quickly that they’re lying about the sex part. I personally know a couple that will regularly sleep chastely in the same bed (the boyfriend was one of my best friends). They actually became something of a legend in my high school, and were voted prom king and queen.

Wouldn’t that actually be the opposite of scandal?
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I trust these two for telling me the truth. Besides I won’t kick them out because I don’t want to enforce my beliefs on them. I was planning on me moving out because I do not feel comfortable with this situation. I had a difficult time justifying why (which is why I came to this forum to ask). They are good people and I love them. She is a wonderful roommate in other regards and I know that I shouldn’t be complaining, but it is hard for me because this is a very strong subject for me.

All I was asking is how would I explain why I do not agree with the idea of cohabitation…even chastely. I guess I should bring this topic away of my friend and her boyfriend (they were just an example). I have enough Catholic friends who sleep over at their significant other’s place and I couldn’t ever be able to explain to them why I wouldn’t if I had a steady boyfriend.

So yes, Lujack, I would agree that in these times, this wouldn’t be considered a scandal.
 
I think that there are several reasons that this would not be okay. They all work in my mind, maybe some will work for you…or them. 🙂
  1. There is extreme temptation for attracted couples lying in such close proximity. I have never known a couple to get in this habit and still avoid pre-marrital sex. Assuming they have so far…there still exists the possibility of failing in the future through a ‘high risk’ habit.
  2. Making a bad habit -
    Suppose couple AB can do this, so it becomes their norm…then they split and start dating others. Now we have couples AC and BD. A and B are used to bedding with a boy/girlfriend, C & D find out. They could 1 be scadalized or 2 agree to the same situation without the same stregnths of will to avoid failing.
  3. Who is scandalized:
    You’ve suggested that only people knowing them well enough to know they’re living together but not well enough to know their faith will be scansalized…what about their future kids? I want to tell my children that my wife and I were pillars of virture during my school years. Thankfully in some ways I can. I never smoked, never got drunk, never had sex, avioded getting arrested, etc…there are only 2 or 3 events that I deeply regret from college. (well 2 or 3 specifically college type events, there were 1000’s of sins and failings: sloth, gluttony, envy, etc…)
    When parents say they did something kids will often decide they can do it as well, even if it was dangerous or dumb - after all mom did it and turned out okay.
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4, It's bad for the relationship:
     When a couple starts living together, they start communally owning things and they get into situations where it's hard to move out (look at you saying you'd leave but can't afford to).  Then if the relationship is having trouble the breakup may come later than it should or never.  
    My wife has a firend who moved in with her boyfriend as a sophmore. Over 3 years she mulled over breaking up. Again and again.  But never did, because it was too hard to find an apartment.  Now 2 years later they are still together...and it seems she's still not really happy.  If they are living apart, I think she would have dumped him year ago (literally).
For me #1 is the strongest reason. I just don’t know couples that lay in the same bed, half asleep, and don’t crawl all over one another. My wife and I couldn’t have done it. But, it that reason’s out, maybe the others could help.
 
I do not agree with #1… DH and I used to sleep together fairly often, but we still were virgins on our wedding day, and had been dating for 3 years ! Yet I have to agree that it is a big, very big temptation. To my opinion it is nevertheless up t the couple to decide this matter

but I DO agree with #4 ! Is her BF going to stay there only for summer or for an undetermined amount of time ? If it is only for a short time, then I reckon this may be doable, IF there is a precise time where it is sure that he’ll move out. In this way thay will be able to remain “roommates”. if no, indeed that would be a bad idea, because he’ll never leave… and sooner or later the relatioship wll evolve to “cohabitating as a couple”.
 
It takes courage and strong convictions to stand your ground and tell them how you truly feel. I admire you for being able to tell her - you risked strange looks and mockery for your faith and that’s awesome. 🙂

I have slept in the same bed as with several different men (all on separate occasions, haha!) and nothing sexual has happened. Some people truly can sleep in the same bed as their significant others and do so platonically.

In regards to all guys being horny, well… I am the only woman at my job and because of that, I get to see several different male perspectives. Most men in their 20’s seem to be horny all the time. I read a statistic once (I am not sure if it is truth or just a silly urban legend) that the average male thinks a sexual thought every 8 seconds. :eek:

On the flip side, I recently ended a relationship where we were living together. This was before I decided to rediscover Catholicism 😉 I ended the relationship because I was unhappy and I knew we were never going to get married. As Smber2c mentioned, it sure is difficult ending a relationship after living with someone! It is a burden on both your emotions and your finances… ESPECIALLY if you want to leave with as little dischord as possible. (I got to be the lucky one to move out, buy new furniture, et cetera…)

Here’s my advice to you:
I personally think it is fine for you to allow them to live together as long as it is REALLY just for summer term and NOTHING MORE. Do not let them weasel their way into indefinite cohabitation. AND if you are altogether uncomfortable with the idea, just say that you would prefer to live with only other women for the sake of your own comfort (this especially works if you share a bathroom). Mention your faith but don’t dwell on it. Tell her that you are not trying to make her life more difficult or take her love away; you just want to be comfortable in your own apartment and the agreement of the living arrangement was for the two of you to live together and nothing more.

hugs
 
Ankabaranka_87 said:
…Recently, one of my roommates came up to me with her boyfriend and asked me if it would be ok for him to move into the same house as us for the summer term. My answer to this, was that it was not ok and I can’t accept it. …They could not understand why I would not accept this even though they will be living in separate rooms and if they did sleep together, sex will not be involved. …
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How sad that your roomate can’t or won’t understand the concept that this causes scandal. Women living with men who are neither their relatives or spouses normalizes living together before marriage.

If you roommate doesn’t understand that, maybe you could explain that YOU don’t want to live with a member of the opposite sex before marriage. Having a member of the opposite sex in your home places restrictions on what you can do and wear in the privacy of your home. If a woman has any sense of modesty, she knows having a man in her home requires greater modesty.

You don’t want to live with her boyfriend–how hard is that for her to understand? She may be willing to live with her boyfriend, but she has no right to expect you to live with him. You shouldn’t have to justify this any further. If you let him move in, not only is your roomate living with a man who is not her husband, but you are too! Stand your ground.
 
With all respect due…

The title of the thread, like another on e I posted on today, is an oxymoron. Someone tells me otherwise, I will not believe them.

And neither would anyone else. Period.
 
When you moved in with the roommate, do you have a rental agreement? Who is living there, the amount of rent, etc.? If you do, does it allow a third person to move in? Does your rent decrease in a porportional manner? Do you have the right to move out and have a refund if someone else moves in?

I’d seek your legal recourse, you are not going to convince someone of a moral reason if they have no morals.
 
rpp said:
With all respect due…

The title of the thread, like another on e I posted on today, is an oxymoron. Someone tells me otherwise, I will not believe them.

And neither would anyone else. Period.
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Really? I know one couple, in particular, that doesn’t live together but that have spent the night together, several times, without having sex. They’ve been going out for four years now, and they’ll probably get married after college.
 
rpp said:
With all respect due…

The title of the thread, like another on e I posted on today, is an oxymoron. Someone tells me otherwise, I will not believe them.

And neither would anyone else. Period.
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That’s a foolish thing to say. If someone tells you that they are living together chastely and you have no proof otherwise, you should trust them. Just because some people may not have the will power to do such a thing does not mean that others don’t.
 
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