Chaste Cohabitation

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One must choose good means to the a good end (the Sacrament of Marriage).

Not only can there be a near occasion of grave sin (and entering into a near occasion of sin can already be a grave sin).

There can be also actual falls into other grave sins.

There is also scandal.

And no it is not a good way for discernment of a marriage.

It is simply not a marriage and does not really tell you how a marriage would be.

What it can tell one is that each person is willing to make this terrible choice to live together -a choice contrary to the good of the other person and ones self and others around one. Not a good foundation for a marriage.

But thankfully one experiencing the subtle temptation to this choice and see it is not good and choose against it.

Thankfully God gives grace to help the couple avoid this choice and to make good choices or if they have made this choice to make another.

Catechism: 2350 Those who are engaged to marry are called to live chastity in continence. They should see in this time of testing a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from God. They should reserve for marriage the expressions of affection that belong to married love. They will help each other grow in chastity.

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2350.htm

Such “testing” does not include living together for that is for marriage. Nor is it a help towards growing in Chastity but would run the other direction…Such “hope of receiving the other” is a hope…not an anticipation of such by moving in together…
 
twf said:
Am I the only one who sees a disconnect here? People on this forum continue to come down hard on CHASTE cohabitation citing scandal…meanwhile a growing number of bishops are permitting those living in a state of perpetual adultery to receive communion. And we’re spending our energy coming down on those who AREN’T having sex?
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Fwiw, I too am interested to hear what posters on CAF will say to those questions.
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Surely you’ve heard that two wrongs don’t make a right? Right?
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I have. I think that just strengthens twf’s point.
 
twf said:
I’m just saying pick your battles. It’s also difficult to explain to a young couple who are NOT having sex how their situation is still sinful yet the “married” couple in the next pew gets a free pass. There can be very difficult practical and economic reasons that lead a couple to chastely cohabitate prior to marriage.
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  1. The couple is choosing to follow Christ. So it should not be too difficult to explain things to them - they are ready and willing to do what they need to live chastity etc. If they were not following Christ - rather more likely they will have given in more fully to the surrounding culture. The fact that they are not having sexual relations points to their desire to love each other rightly and follow Christ.
  2. Those who are not validly married do not “get a free pass”…they are not to live as husband and wife.
  3. Difficult practical and economic reasons can rather be trumped by Christian reasons to live and prepare in the right way. In marriage itself lots of difficulties can come up -including economic. Preparation for marriage is not meant to be devoid of such preparing difficulties that can train them in handling more serious ones down the road. What on earth would they do if they were not getting married? Well they can do that good thing instead of going partially along with the culture and the easier falsely attractive way.
Engagement is a time to prepare chastely and with sacrifice and in other virtues for the holy vocation that is before them.
 
Andrea_Day said:
I have heard a lot of Catholic speakers talk about how research shows cohabitation increases the risk for divorce. When they cite individual reasons though, it generally all boils down to them blaming premarital sex as the cause of problems. As it so happens, cohabitation and premarital sex are different things–yes, they often occur together, but chaste cohabitation is certainly possible.

Is there any research suggesting chaste cohabitation increases the risk of divorce?

If not, why are Catholic speakers blaming cohabitation when clearly the real culprit–according to studies–is just premarital sex?

If chaste cohabitation does not increase the divorce rate, why shouldn’t Catholic couples consider chaste cohabitation as a valid marriage preparation/discernment tool?
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A word of warning, (from an admitted vocabulary pendant ;)): the word “cohabitation” means living together while having sex. Church documents that discuss “cohabitation” will use this definition (and understanding this implicit meaning will help you better interpret what the church has to say on this matter). It is by definition, impossible to have chaste cohabitation while unmarried.

Having an opposite gender roommate, however, is not inherently immoral, although may pose a risk of sexual temptation. The most innocent example would be a brother and sister sharing an apartment.

The issue with romantic premarital cohabitation is that a couple might use sex as a crutch to get through arguments that might otherwise have driven them apart. They fail to see and address arguments in a healthy manner, thus leading to increased conflict following marriage and a greater chance of seeking divorce.

Living apart while romantically involved gives a couple more space to evaluate the status of the their relationship and thus address potentially conflicts more readily. Sex before marriage can serve as a similar crutch, interfering with this natural space for reflection. Cohabitation, however, will have a confounding effect.
 
It’s possible, but what’s the point? The very idea is just stupid.
 
Greetings brothers and sisters,

I can speak from experience that living together and remaining chaste is the hardest task that I have ever undertaken. Yet, by the grace of God, the intercession of the saints, and separate beds, my fiancee and I have made it possible.

Before I am bombarded with posts stating our foolishness and for the need to live apart, may I add that before I truly understood and practiced my Catholic faith, and before her conversion, we conceived. I suppose you may call me a “revert”.
So to those who were inclined to comment as such; I might add that we will not separate for the sake of our son.

It certainly is not something I would ever suggest to any young couple. Choosing to live as brother and sister until we are joined in sacramental union with God was our choice. We have confessed our sin and repented.
But, the matter has been one of great distress to me. After being educated and aware of the teaching of the Catholic Church I became very discouraged, always worrying about judgement of my fellow brothers and sisters who may have never been ignorant to the truth or fallen into said sin.
Yet, I have faith and know personally the transformative mercy of Christ which is endless and inexhaustible.

It can be done but I would never wish anyone to do so. The Church should maintain it’s teaching and clarify Pope Francis’ statements in chapter 8 of Amoris Laetitia so that no one makes the same mistake via the teaching of the Church herself!
In light of that statement though, I do see some merit in what the holy father is trying to accomplish, and for that I am grateful, especially given my situation.

God Bless,
Francis
 
Andrea_Day said:
…If chaste cohabitation does not increase the divorce rate, why shouldn’t Catholic couples consider chaste cohabitation as a valid marriage preparation/discernment tool?
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I know a few couples in my church that tried it.

They all ended up going to confession.

As to why marriages fail? Financial strain is the biggest…

I think folks have been given an unrealistic expectation of marital love by an increasingly media-penetrated upbringing. They think infatuation is love.

They don’t go in knowing they’re with someone with faults who also farts in their sleep just like they do.
 
Vonsalza said:
I know a few couples in my church that tried it.

They all ended up going to confession.

As to why marriages fail? Financial strain is the biggest…

I think folks have been given an unrealistic expectation of marital love by an increasingly media-penetrated upbringing. They think infatuation is love.

They don’t go in knowing they’re with someone with faults who also farts in their sleep just like they do.
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And thats the real winner in the marital issues dep’t.
 
Lea101 said:
Because it is rather silly to do so.

Living together is a rather long temptation to put yourself in. It is simply not wise to do so. Do you sleep in the same bed? Temptation. Do you sleep in separate beds or rooms? What’s the point, then?
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Efficiency. In some instances sharing a home before marriage is more cost effective.

To start with, if both people have an income and agree to split the cost of the dwelling down the middle then by living together they both pay half as much towards rent/mortgage than if they were each living in a separate place.

Or perhaps one of them needs a place to live and there aren’t any options close by.

Plus a man and a woman might not be in a sexual or romantic relationship in order to be living together; nobody would bat an eye if two brothers (whether related by blood, adoption, or by their parents being married) or childhood friends were roommates, so I don’t see why it would be objectionable for a brother and sister to be roommates.
 
BornInMarch said:
Efficiency. In some instances sharing a home before marriage is more cost effective.

To start with, if both people have an income and agree to split the cost of the dwelling down the middle then by living together they both pay half as much towards rent/mortgage than if they were each living in a separate place.

Or perhaps one of them needs a place to live and there aren’t any options close by.

Plus a man and a woman might not be in a sexual or romantic relationship in order to be living together; nobody would bat an eye if two brothers (whether related by blood, adoption, or by their parents being married) or childhood friends were roommates, so I don’t see why it would be objectionable for a brother and sister to be roommates.
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Oh.
We are talking about brothers and sisters…
 
Andrea_Day said:
I have heard a lot of Catholic speakers talk about how research shows cohabitation increases the risk for divorce. When they cite individual reasons though, it generally all boils down to them blaming premarital sex as the cause of problems. As it so happens, cohabitation and premarital sex are different things–yes, they often occur together, but chaste cohabitation is certainly possible.

Is there any research suggesting chaste cohabitation increases the risk of divorce?

If not, why are Catholic speakers blaming cohabitation when clearly the real culprit–according to studies–is just premarital sex?

If chaste cohabitation does not increase the divorce rate, why shouldn’t Catholic couples consider chaste cohabitation as a valid marriage preparation/discernment tool?
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I suspect because the meaning of the word cohabitation, in the relevant context, is generally understood (rightly or wrongly) to imply a sexual relationship. Certainly that’s one of the definitions you’ll find in the dictionary.
 
Bookcat said:
  1. The couple is choosing to follow Christ. So it should not be too difficult to explain things to them - they are ready and willing to do what they need to live chastity etc. If they were not following Christ - rather more likely they will have given in more fully to the surrounding culture. The fact that they are not having sexual relations points to their desire to love each other rightly and follow Christ.
  2. Those who are not validly married do not “get a free pass”…they are not to live as husband and wife.
  3. Difficult practical and economic reasons can rather be trumped by Christian reasons to live and prepare in the right way. In marriage itself lots of difficulties can come up -including economic. Preparation for marriage is not meant to be devoid of such preparing difficulties that can train them in handling more serious ones down the road. What on earth would they do if they were not getting married? Well they can do that good thing instead of going partially along with the culture and the easier falsely attractive way.
Engagement is a time to prepare chastely and with sacrifice and in other virtues for the holy vocation that is before them.
Click to expand...
 
BornInMarch said:
Efficiency. In some instances sharing a home before marriage is more cost effective.

To start with, if both people have an income and agree to split the cost of the dwelling down the middle then by living together they both pay half as much towards rent/mortgage than if they were each living in a separate place.

Or perhaps one of them needs a place to live and there aren’t any options close by.

Plus a man and a woman might not be in a sexual or romantic relationship in order to be living together; nobody would bat an eye if two brothers (whether related by blood, adoption, or by their parents being married) or childhood friends were roommates, so I don’t see why it would be objectionable for a brother and sister to be roommates.
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I think one of the issues with “cohabitation” even the “chaste” kind is that it essentially elevates convenience above principles. Actually making financial sacrifices to guard one’s chastity isn’t being considered. Instead there seems to be a “have my cake and eat it too” mentality, that “Well living with my BF/GF is the most convenient option, and as long as we don’t have sex, what’s the big deal?” Or worse, “Even if we do slip up and have sex, we’ll just got to confession, what’s the big deal?”

That being said I can think of some extreme situations such as, one partner in a long-distance relationship moves to the same town as the other, AND unexpectedly requires lodging temporarily because, say, the boiler breaks down in their apartment building and they don’t know anyone else well enough to feel comfortable staying with them. And they spent all their money in the move and can’t afford to stay in a motel.

Although I think such a situation would best be temporary, not an ongoing one.

On the other hand, the Church (even pre-AL) did find “living as brother and sister” to be adequate for a “divorced and re-married” couple to receive Communion. Even now, not all clerics agree that being chaste in such a situation is essentially “impossible” – I think the caveat here is, with God’s grace it is not impossible.

Note that there are many instances of a couple not even married civilly, having children together. It could happen that such a couple repents and commits to chastity, it would be not merely “inconvenient” but a tremendous burden to separate.

However, I also think the “brother and sister” concession in such cases, is about making the best of a bad situation that should never have happened, not jumping into the bad situation in the first place.
 
Now that social surveillance is on a decline everywhere, people begin to make their own choices. The 21th century is not the 19th, cohabitation has become the norm, nobody is interested let alone asks about it. In my large family - all of them Catholic - many of my cousins are cohabitating with their BF/GF (also all Catholic). Nobody has any illusions about the level of “chastity”. The grandparents may frown upon it a bit, but hesitate to bring it up. The parents do not care: “They are old enough. It should be fine.”
Times are changing. Live with it. There is no turning back. Chastity - the term alone sounds outdated and irrelevant, for better or worse. So far - in spite of all warnings of Pharisees - it did not destroy society let alone the church.
 
Constantin said:
Now that social surveillance is on a decline everywhere, people begin to make their own choices. The 21th century is not the 19th, cohabitation has become the norm, nobody is interested let alone asks about it. In my large family - all of them Catholic - many of my cousins are cohabitating with their BF/GF (also all Catholic). Nobody has any illusions about the level of “chastity”. The grandparents may frown upon it a bit, but hesitate to bring it up. The parents do not care: “They are old enough. It should be fine.”
Times are changing. Live with it. There is no turning back. Chastity - the term alone sounds outdated and irrelevant, for better or worse. So far - in spite of all warnings of Pharisees - it did not destroy society let alone the church.
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We are doomed to lives of dissipation and unbridled passion. :rolleyes:
 
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