Chaste Dating...How Do I Keep Him?

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AdriannaJean

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Hi Everyone,

I decided on chastity a couple of relationships ago and I am very happy with that decision. I was lucky that in the first relationship the man I was with was ok with stopping having sex and in the one after that I dated my good friend, so he already knew that he wasn’t getting any before we started seeing each-other.

I moved to another city and have been seeing this very nice Catholic man. I really get the feeling that this could go somewhere, but I know that he is not chaste himself (he and I have never talked about it, just some information through mutual friends).

I obviously know that if he doesn’t want the relationship to go any further without sex then he is definitely not the one for me, but what if he is ok with it? How do I keep things interesting for him when he is used to physical relationships? I want to develop a bond without him constantly having to be thinking about what we’re not doing.

And, how do I bring up the sex topic? We aren’t exclusive or official yet, I thought I might bring it up when (if?) he brings up exclusivity.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Personal experiences?
 
In my experience it is better to only date people who are also committed to chastity not just someone who is willing to give up sex for you. I don’t know if that narrows the dating pool down to nothing for you but if you can get away with it I think you’d be better off. People who are used to a sexual relationship are going to have needs and wants that you will not be able to satisfy. And I know from my experience when a girl says she is willing to live without that usually just means she doubts your resolve. I am guessing men mean the same thing. Staying chaste in a dating relationship is hard enough without dating someone who will just lead you into temptation and who isn’t as committed as you are to staying pure.
 
Congrats on your chastity commitment! I don’t think you should worry about entertaining him if you are not going to “provide” him sex. Sex isn’t supposed to be entertainment anyway. That is the secular way of thinking about it. Hard sometimes to see that when you are in it. As for the rest, bottom line is you don’t have to wait for him to talk about it if it is bothering you. Besides, what is going on in your head, your thoughts, may not be at all what is happening in his head, his thoughts. Oh, one last thing, you are both in the relationship… he gets to have equal part in making the relationship interesting and fun. It’s not your job alone.
I don’t agree with the post above that it is best not to date someone who isn’t familiar with living chastely lest you become tempted. You’ll become tempted anyway even if both of you are committed to chastity. I guess I feel that way because my own father got around before he was smitten by my mother and they have just celebrated 51 years of marriage!
 
Just call him up and say “Hey, John. You know that I am a practicing Catholic don’t you?”

If you cannot be honest with him, and have to rely on rumours from friends, then, you need to find a new person to date.
 
Do you have activities that you enjoy doing together? Sports, plays, movies, eating out, or just simply talking? Do you attend Mass together? Do you feel comfortable in talking about your faith? I may be wrong but it sounds like you are very concerned that perhaps this man may leave you if there is no sexual relationship. If that is the case, he is most likely not for you. It sounds like this is an unspoken source of tension. If marriage is what you want, there must be more to a relationship than a sexual attraction, powerful though that is. There needs to be companionship and feeling at ease with one another, without an “elephant in the living room”, if you will.

I am very fortunate in that I have a chaste relationship with the man I someday hope to marry. At the beginning of our relationship we were not chaste. As a practicing Catholic, I finally began to understand that this was not right. My boyfriend recently completed RCIA and was received into the church. It was very difficult for me to talk with him about my decision to commit to chastity, especially after the horse had left the barn, so to speak. I did not know how he would take it…I was fully prepared for him to leave me. However, he accepted my decision with grace and respect. I think we love and respect each other more now that we have mutually made this commitment and both of us have grown in our Catholic faith. Yes, it can be very hard at times to live up to this commitment, but the rewards have been great. I no longer live under the burden of the sin of an improper sexual relationship , nor does my boyfriend whom I now can help grow as a new Catholic.

Modern society has led us–even Catholics–to believe that sex is something everyone must have, married or not–in order to lead a fulfilling life, and of course if you are chaste then something must be wrong with you. (I have often been met with disbelief by people who know I am in a committed relationship and they will either assume we are living together or who ask “well, why aren’t you living together?” I tell them we won’t be doing that until we get married and they look at me as though I am from another planet. )

Stick to your guns, lady. It won’t be easy but trust me, it will be worth it, even if this relationship you are in does not work out you will have kept your integrity and stayed true to your faith. I’ll pray for you. May God make His face shine upon you.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Hi Everyone,

I decided on chastity a couple of relationships ago and I am very happy with that decision. I was lucky that in the first relationship the man I was with was ok with stopping having sex and in the one after that I dated my good friend, so he already knew that he wasn’t getting any before we started seeing each-other.

I moved to another city and have been seeing this very nice Catholic man. I really get the feeling that this could go somewhere, but I know that he is not chaste himself (he and I have never talked about it, just some information through mutual friends).

I obviously know that if he doesn’t want the relationship to go any further without sex then he is definitely not the one for me, but what if he is ok with it? How do I keep things interesting for him when he is used to physical relationships? I want to develop a bond without him constantly having to be thinking about what we’re not doing.

And, how do I bring up the sex topic? We aren’t exclusive or official yet, I thought I might bring it up when (if?) he brings up exclusivity.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Personal experiences?
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If he’s attracted to you and he’s good-hearted, he will find your coyness fascinating. The only way it will bore him is if you seem willing to compromise.
 
Just talk to him. Seriously the fear of the unknow will drive you crazy and better for him to know up front. I had a friend who wanted to date me and he brought up sex and once he relaized that i wasn’t lying he decided not to persue the relationship. i don’t blame him. He believes sex is necessary in a relationship and i don’t. Thats fine. I don’t agree with his views but i am not going to date him to “convert” him to my ways. I wanted someone who i could walk the path of my faith with. not someone i had to drag along.

I dated a few guys and we had the talk before we even started dating. They knew that they weren’t going to get anywhere with me and that i wasn’t just playing around but it was something i was committed too. Weridly enough they all respected me for it and i think they liked not having the pressure of having to move the relationship to new levels. We were just allowed to get to know each other. And that is why each one of those relationship ended pretty fast. I knew they weren’t the right one for me.

The man i am dating now (and hopeful will marry) and i didn’t really have to have the converstation in depth. We were friends and from converstations knew that our views are dating are the same. When we first started dating we didn’t really hold hands and our only affections was giving each other hugs and nothing more. We also didn’t put ourselves into situations that could lead to problems. We didn’t do anything alone at each other houses and mostly did things in groups with friends or just dates were we got to talk. 7 months later we hold hands and give each other hugs and pecks on the check but nothing more. There is a comfort level and an understanding that comes with time. I love him for him .

Good Luck you can do it!!
 
Thanks everyone!

This man and I have only been on a few dates, so I think calling it a relationship might be stretching the definition a bit. He does know that I’m a practicing Catholic. He knows that I attend mass a few times a week and we have been to Mass together. We’ve had some talk about faith, not completely in depth, but we haven’t spent a good deal of time together, so I would guess that it’s coming.

I think I’m going to talk to him about chastity. I’m not known for subtlety, but at least I’ll get the point across. It’s better for both him and I to know if this is going to go anywhere sooner rather than later. No point in continuing going on dates if this is going to be a deal-breaker in a couple weeks. And, I think it might go well because he reacted well to me asking him to slow down when he kissed me goodnight. Perhaps he is done with meaningless sex and is ready for something deeper.
 
Good for you for taking the chastity commitment seriously. I will say though that if you’re with someone who you’re meant to be with, having sex to keep them interested shouldn’t be an issue.

My fiance and I have been dating for 5 years, just got engaged about a month ago. We both have been chaste our whole lives, and for the 5 years of dating. So, it is possible. We’re both in our early 20’s. Which means that what we’ve done in our relationship unfortunately isn’t the norm. And him, being a hockey player in college had to listen to all the other guys talking about who they were sleeping around with.

When we first started dating we did talk about the chastity issue. I’m thankful that we found each other, as he was much more conservative than I was at the time. He also helped bring me to the Catholic Church.

So I say, if it’s an important issue to you, bring it up. This shouldn’t be a topic that’s off limits. And if he’s just being chaste because you are, that may not work… I think you’d need to see if he can see the deeper meaning in it.

good luck!
 
Good luck! I don’t know ONE man who is devoted to chasity. I’ve been on dates, and men will practically jump into bed on the first date (these are Catholics, btw). One said, “I bought you dinner, now it’s your turn to repay the favor”. The food wasn’t THAT good. So it’s almost compromise time for CountrySinger, unless I want to be single for the rest of my life. :eek: But at least my dating pool will open up if that happens.
 
*"So it’s almost compromise time for CountrySinger, unless I want to be single for the rest of my life. :eek: But at least my dating pool will open up if that happens.
*

Country Singer: You need to start another thread on this compromise business so you can get lots of (name removed by moderator)ut! You need to find a different place to find guys. Even the most promiscuous know a good thing when they finally open their eyes. If they don’t, they will be permanently blind and you don’t want one of them. I was 28 when I finally got married. My husband was 32. Compromise is no way to start a marriage. You’ll be compromising all your life and the marriage will be an unhappy one.
 
I would just bring it up directly, don’t beat around the bush. I hope everything works out for you! One thing you can try, is catholicmatch.com if it works in your area. You can select Chaste as one of the things you’re looking for in your perspective partner.
 
CountrySinger said:
So it’s almost compromise time for CountrySinger, unless I want to be single for the rest of my life. :eek: But at least my dating pool will open up if that happens.
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Somehow I don’t think women that jump into bed after being fed a meal are going to see to much of the guy after the first date.
 
CountrySinger said:
Good luck! I don’t know ONE man who is devoted to chasity.
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Well, they are out there. Perhaps not in the areas you’re finding dates or even in the area you live, I don’t know. But they are out there. If I could find a good, Catholic man who has remained chaste his whole life, it’s possible for others too. I wasn’t even Catholic at the time, nor really looking for someone who hadn’t slept with anyone. I hadn’t, and still haven’t, but I was at a point in my life where I was not real active in my faith. Thankfully I got saved from a world of hurt.

I don’t believe in setting one’s standards low. You get what you aim for.

Trying an online dating for Catholics would be a good idea, because that would allow you to find men that aren’t necessarily from your area, and you can specify that you want chaste men.

I know everyone makes mistakes, so I’m not saying that you should automatically rule out men who have had relations in the past. But if they’re now committed to remaining chaste, that says something about them.
 
Originally Posted by CountrySinger
Good luck! I don’t know ONE man who is devoted to chasity.
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First off, have you considered the type of men you know? Second, while many men are not devoted to chasity - THEY RESPECT IT. As I stated above - few men will respect a women that sleeps with them for the price of meal. They have established the woman’s worth and treat them as such. A double standard - you betcha - but still the standard just the same.
 
SamH said:
First off, have you considered the type of men you know? Second, while many men are not devoted to chasity - THEY RESPECT IT. As I stated above - few men will respect a women that sleeps with them for the price of meal. They have established the woman’s worth and treat them as such. A double standard - you betcha - but still the standard just the same.
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I don’t know if I would say those kind of men respect a woman devoted to chastity as much as value her. Or at least value a certain aspect of her body. Besides, unless a man is devoted to chastity I don’t see how you can be the least little bit surprised when he looks at porn, or goes to strip joints, or breaks some other rule of christian chastity. I don’t think you can judge someone solely on what kind of past they have, but they should as least be committed to chastity in the here and now.
 
Tosk said:
I don’t know if I would say those kind of men respect a woman devoted to chastity as much as value her. Or at least value a certain aspect of her body. Besides, unless a man is devoted to chastity I don’t see how you can be the least little bit surprised when he looks at porn, or goes to strip joints, or breaks some other rule of christian chastity. I don’t think you can judge someone solely on what kind of past they have, but they should as least be committed to chastity in the here and now.
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As apposed to the value and respect they place on a woman that gives it up for the price of meal and a little clever conversation? With the respect comes an attitude change/adjustment upon the realization of the error in their ways. Men are pigs, and a good woman can change that.
 
SamH said:
As apposed to the value and respect they place on a woman that gives it up for the price of meal and a little clever conversation? With the respect comes an attitude change/adjustment upon the realization of the error in their ways. Men are pigs, and a good woman can change that.
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No, a man who wants NSA sex for the price of a meal doesn’t respect any kind of woman. It is true that there is a double standard and they might value a woman’s virginity but that doesn’t translate to respect. Thinking that somebody will change because of love has gotten many a woman into trouble so I’d be really careful with a supposed change of heart.
 
I have a suspician that the last guy that left me did so because he finally realized he wasn’t going to get any which was the truth but for some reason guys still try and persuade you even when you’ve been clear with them where you stand. Being as emotional as I am I can’t imagine going astray and them dealing with that too if the relationship broke up. It’s important to remember that GOD makes these rules to protect us from ourselves and not impinge on our free will. I have yet to find a guy that will accept a chaste relationship. I think society as a whole is responsible and not anyone person but honestly I’ve given up on dating for awhile and don’t intend to look anymore. I assume all the great guys are already married or have too much baggage to ever commit. After meeting then breaking up with and endless stream of commitment phobics I’m burned out and don’t care anymore. :eek:
 
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