Chaste/pure children

[Wojo42]

Catholic Parents: I was wondering what you do to raise your children to be pure/chaste? How do you keep your children from becoming involved in unchaste behaviors? What kind of talks do you have? What materials do you use? What kind of influence and rules do you use? What other things do you do to protect your children from impurity? How do you communicate your values to them?

I have been reading studies which say that the average age for a girl to lose her virginity is 16 years old, but even before that it appears that “many” (not all) young people engage in unchaste behaviors, of varying degrees, before actually engaging in extramarital intercourse. and that these things can occur as early as 13 years of age, although that seems to be a smaller minority.

I am a fairly new parent all my kids are under 4 years of age, but I would really appreciate any help/(name removed by moderator)ut/resources/techniques. I am pretty worried about the outside cultures influence on children.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

My children are older - youngest is 17. When they were your children’s ages, we talked about modesty rather than purity. That was appropriate for their age, and the underpinning of purity/chastity.

So for example, I never dressed my daughter older than her age - ie in a “cute” outfit that would be sexy on an older girl or woman. We did not buy fashion-oriented magazines or gossip mags that glamourize children out of wedlock, living together, looking “hot”, etc.

We also talked about being “healthy and full of energy” rather than good-looking, pretty,or even fit (since that last term is also used to excuse wearing tight fitting clothes all the time).

We did not stop them from having friends of the opposite sex, but we did discourage couples dating. They were very busy with activites (like music, sports, etc.) during middle and high school, so they had plenty of friends and things to do. Dating is an important thing to do - to get to know those from whom you discern your future spouse. Since they weren’t ready to be married at 14 or 15, they weren’t ready to date at 13 either.

Of course we as parents prayed for their virtue. We never used any specific materials to talk about it other than what is covered in the Faith and Life series used in CCD. Our priests talk about virtue and purity in their homilies and our excellent youth group leader stressed that also.

The research you’ve been reading is about all children everywhere in the US. Your children won’t automatically be subject to those statistics. But what TV you watch, mags in the the house, how you dress (and talk about your body), who their friends are, and what your priests and other others say about these things.

Pray for your children and gather together a group of like-minded friends so that you can support each other and your children can be friends with other children being raised with the same values.

 

[pensmama87]

My children are also very young, and I have similar concerns to you.

One thing that has helped me is thinking about it less in terms of “How do I shelter my kids from this?” and instead thinking, “How can I teach my kids to engage this appropriately when they’re ready?” Sheltering at a young age, I think, is part of the equation, but it would be too naive to think that we can keep it from them forever, and if we do, when they’re out of the house and exposed for the first time, they won’t know what to think or do. I know several friends from college who went absolutely wild when they arrived on campus after being severely sheltered as a child. The lure of what had been forbidden was really strong, and they’d never really needed to endure any serious kind of temptation before.

That doesn’t mean we expose our kids to everything, though, before they are ready, but I think we need to be honest with our kids. One thing I’m really grateful to my parents for is that they answered my questions when I had them. They didn’t usually tell me “you’re too young for that,” instead they would answer my questions until I quit having them. Their rationale was that if I could ask, I could know at least something. So when schoolmates whispered at school about whatever thing, I usually didn’t care too much because I knew that they were wrong or it just wasn’t that fascinating of a thing to me.

My big thing with my kids while they’re young is avoiding a consumerist lifestyle. I don’t completely ban TV, but I’m picky about what media we watch and place limits on how much we watch. My husband doesn’t want to give up cable because he likes live sports, but we also have DVR so if the kids watch too I start the program late so we can skip all of the commercials. I take my kids shopping and if my oldest asks for things, I tell him, “No, that food won’t make you healthy and strong.” I think our culture has lost a lot of the sense of discrimination in a positive sense - that we can choose to say “no” to things, and that just because something exists doesn’t mean that it’s good. I think that in and of itself goes a long way to teaching chastity. Chastity is important but it’s part of a bigger picture that isn’t limited just to sexuality.

 

[marymary1975]

My children are older - youngest is 17. When they were your children’s ages, we talked about modesty rather than purity. That was appropriate for their age, and the underpinning of purity/chastity.

So for example, I never dressed my daughter older than her age - ie in a “cute” outfit that would be sexy on an older girl or woman. We did not buy fashion-oriented magazines or gossip mags that glamourize children out of wedlock, living together, looking “hot”, etc.

We also talked about being “healthy and full of energy” rather than good-looking, pretty,or even fit (since that last term is also used to excuse wearing tight fitting clothes all the time).

We did not stop them from having friends of the opposite sex, but we did discourage couples dating. They were very busy with activites (like music, sports, etc.) during middle and high school, so they had plenty of friends and things to do. Dating is an important thing to do - to get to know those from whom you discern your future spouse. Since they weren’t ready to be married at 14 or 15, they weren’t ready to date

Pray for your children and gather together a group of like-minded friends so that you can support each other and your children can be friends with other children being raised with the same values.

What has been said here is pretty much what I have been doing with my daughter who will be a pre teen soon. Also, I am trying to repeat with her what I did, I was a virgin until I got married at 28 so I am using my own experience to guide me. I joined a pro life group early in my teens and I plan to do the same with her as soon as she hits 13. I agree a lot with surrounding her with friends and people that are like minded, in her world the typical married family is the norm so I am hoping that will sink on her head. I have also focused on studies and sports and I encourage her in dedicating to dance, music and sports and so her best so in that way she will be focused on activities that promote a healthy lifestyle. She has also gained interest in gaby Douglas and ally reismann which I have used to point at her that successful teenagers dedicate themselves to sports and study. There is a video in which ally reismann talks about dating and she says something along the lines that while she has friendships and is knowing boys, she feels that as a teenager is more important to use her energy towards gymnastics, that dating can wait until.she is in college, I thought that was very proper and I pointed out to my daughter. She has already become aware of the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend and I have had already some talks with her about it in the sense that it is a process of discernment to marriage and that the idea of having a boyfriend is to get to know the other person’s personality. I am hoping that these early conversations are heading her up in the right direction.

 

[natistics]

Catholic Parents: I was wondering what you do to raise your children to be pure/chaste? How do you keep your children from becoming involved in unchaste behaviors? What kind of talks do you have? What materials do you use? What kind of influence and rules do you use? What other things do you do to protect your children from impurity? How do you communicate your values to them?

I have been reading studies which say that the average age for a girl to lose her virginity is 16 years old, but even before that it appears that “many” (not all) young people engage in unchaste behaviors, of varying degrees, before actually engaging in extramarital intercourse. and that these things can occur as early as 13 years of age, although that seems to be a smaller minority.

I am a fairly new parent all my kids are under 4 years of age, but I would really appreciate any help/(name removed by moderator)ut/resources/techniques. I am pretty worried about the outside cultures influence on children.

I hesitate to share this, but I think Planned Parenthood has excellent resources for parents. It certainly fits with current research in Human Development. Of course, modify to fit your beliefs.

plannedparenthood.org/parents/keeping-teens-healthy-setting-boundaries-38006.htm

 

[Usige]

Lock 'em in their rooms

So our oldest son is 16 and our oldest daughter is almost 19. Here is how we handled it.

First and foremost we talk to them. My wife and I do pre-cana and she teaches NFP. Because we lived an unchaste life style before we married we started talking to our kids when they were 10 or 11 about chastity, sexuality within marriage, and modesty. We also took them to talks that covered theology of the body for pre-teens. Waiting until they are 13+ is too late.

My wife also took our daughter to modesty fashion shows when she was 11-14. This allowed her to see that there were cute outfits that don’t have to involve plunging neck lines, jeans that are so low you need to shave, or 4 inch high skirts. It also let her see how to dress appropriately for her age. Also when we are buying clothes, they get (name removed by moderator)ut, but we have veto power. If we say no we explain why and look for alternatives that has what they like without the objectionable parts. As they have gotten older we ask them why we are about to say no and the times we’ve said no are now fairly rare.

For our son we tried to instill in him early to treat all women as if they were his mother or sister. In other words treat them with respect and not to sexualize them.

You also need to model the behavior you want them to follow early on. If you are watching a movie and a sex scene comes on either fast forward or stop the movie. Don’t dress in tight or revealing clothes if you don’t want your kids to. In other words your children will learn by your actions. If they see chaste behaviors in their parents growing up they are more able to accept that as normal when they shift their focus to peers as models later on.

To be honest the other reason they might have done so well is that they are home schooled. The majority of their friends are also home schooled so the peer pressure to give in is a lot less. Unfortunately when your kids are in school they will tend to want to model what they see the most unless they have a firm foundation early on. That is why I suggest starting when they are still in late grade school. They need to be prepared before their models start to degrade for lack of a better term.

Probably the best advice I can give you is to stay involved in their lives. Address things before they become issues. Talk to them about why things are okay or not. And by talk to them I don’t mean lay down the law and walk away.

 

[SinnersAnonymus]

Mrs Sally and pensmama87 offer some great advice.

The child’s peer group will have a huge effect once they hit teenage years. However, public schools in my experience are a meat grinder for chastity. A child might make it through but from all levels sometimes even secular teachers and role models the pressure to remove someone’s virginity gets worse (this is from a man’s prospective but my wife agrees).

Popular culture and style is very opposed to modesty. Teen (and many adult) magazines are trash. They are tasteless gossip mags designed to sell products. “Cute” in todays sense is not good but often refers to sexy. A quote from a Catholic Psychologist:

“Psychologically, the man is assessing the woman to fit her into one of two categories: (a) a woman with whom it would be possible to have sexual relations, or (b) a woman with whom it would be not possible to have sexual relations. Ultimately, he makes his assessment by noticing how the woman dresses. If, by the way she dresses and moves she reveals the critical parts of her body, his gaze will focus on those parts, he will see her as “possible,” and his lusts will be lit like a skyrocket; otherwise, his gaze will dismiss her.”

When talking to our kids my wife and I work together and start good patterns of modesty and behavior discernment early. Taking care of a teenager we took into our home was the most difficult because they already had a bad start.

In this particular case we had be patient but firm and over time explain why they should dress and behave more modestly. It is a long process but I have found kids are not stupid (impulsive, irrational, and emotional sure).

Movies are a good tool to expose them to consequences of actions. More than once I sat through an uncomfortable movie about binge drinking and irresponsible sexuality just so we could talk about it afterwards. Society sends one message and we showed them the repercussions. Some movies can do a good job of showing the consequences as well.

It is important you role model and that you know their friends parents. Keeping them busy helps as well. Keep an eye on how they are using the internet but not in a suffocating manner (monitoring software, gave them freedom while we knew what was going on, if we found a problem we would uncover it without them learning about the software). I know this can be controversial but considering anything can be accessed online and children can act differently online than around their friends due to perceived anonymity. However the internet is very public and some things may never be deleted so this is important. Teenagers need an opening amount of freedom as they develop and before they leave the house they need to handle themselves as adults. However, it is during this time they can make mistakes and have someone teach them how to learn from them.

I would limit T.V., video games, and internet to a total screen time of a few hours a day since these can affect the child’s developing brain. Primarily the rewards and impulse control centers of the brain. bbc.co.uk/news/health-18149510

Read up on the developing brain of the teenagers so you can understand where they are and what they contending with. The teenage brain is still developing the control centers while the reward centers are in fact over developed. It is very different from an adult brain.

Short conversations around five to fifteen minutes and have them talk to you about it afterwards later that day or the next day in their own words. For more intimate and embarrassing issues (like masturbation) the same sex parent handles those. They need to understand that starting young can lead to lifelong desires and cravings since they are altering their brains networking.

Learn about how relationships that cohabitate rarely get married, there is no commitment, and they can end abruptly without consequence or drag on for years. Learn about how human bonding works. Opening up your sexuality early ensures your brains biochemistry ties you to the person for about 4 years (long enough to raise a toddler). Then the levels return to normal and the person changes. Learn how once you start experimenting your body will keep pushing that drive until you conceive a child.

Teach them about the dangers of birth control (epigenetic modification, possible breast cancer, one woman I know became sterile due to the massive alterations in hormone levels). Teach them about the consequences of abortion (aside from the church idea that its murder and suicide in one it causes depression and many other issues not discussed in today’s society), and STD’s and their prevalence. I know several kids in high school who caught hepatitis C. Each person they fool around with is sharing every other partners STD’s and their partners STD’s and so on.

Every child is different so I included, up above, maybe useful areas to research that I found useful for your general question. Keep in mind a child might make mistakes, there can always be the prodigal son situation in which they need to know they can talk to you and you will always love them regardless. The reason a parent pushes for chastity is so the child can have a fulfilling relationship and be happy in life not because we want to stifle them.

Most important of all teach your children to pray every day not just Sunday. We pray a daily rosary and some various novenas throughout the week since our children were little. If they desire a relationship with Christ it is the best defense no matter their environment.

 

[Bobby_Jim]

Well my oldest is only 7. We have had impromptu conversations prompted by her asking things like “will I have children someday?” or “will I get married when I’m older?” And my wife or I will use that as an opportunity to talk about finding the right person, sharing faith, common values, respect, etc and being sure to mention somehow that you get married and then have kids. We’ve been having these sorts of conversations since she was about 4 or 5 but try to do it in a conversational and matter-of-fact way rather than a didactic way. With my son who’s 4 we’re more at the point of teaching him more about modesty as in don’t run around the house with your pants off after you go potty, and also about proper/improper touching. With my daughter we work on things like wearing shorts under a skirt if she’s going to be playing on monkeybars and stuff, and sitting properly in a skirt/dress so people can’t see her underwear. Other ways too we try to encourage modesty, as sort of an everyday common-sense thing. I am glad that her school recently switched to uniforms which are very simple polo shirts with pants or skirts, which takes a lot of the hassle out of choosing appropriate clothes for school on a daily basis.

One thing that really concerns me, which is tied up with chastity, is body image. My little girl is very slight and slender, and yet even at 6-7 years old she comes home from school talking about dieting and not wanting to be fat and stuff like this. She doesn’t hear this at home and we just emphasize eating healthy & balanced food. But it shows me the power of peer group influence.

 

[Wojo42]

yeah that concerns me too, the power of peer pressure. I suppose you would have to have discussions about peer pressure itself, where friends are and that family should be on a higher scale of influence than friends. But as somebody said somewhere 5 to6 hours in a secular school is hard to counteract especially since teachers don’t really act a strict moniteres of students, rather they are more like mild chaperones.

 

[rayne89]

I was only able to have one child so I don’t have the experience to know if what happened with my daughter would have been the same with other children.

I think the most important factor was we have a very good relationship, we were never because I said so parents or just because the Church says so or God says so. Throughout her growing up years we discussed church teaching at age appropriate levels, not just the what but the why -and not the why being “because its a sin that’s why.”

So helpful factors: She was homeschooled until high school which meant instead of her peers being her major influence during her formative years we were. We didn’t have cable until she was in high school and without cable our tv didn’t pick up any television. We rented videos or checked them out of the library. She wasn’t influenced by the normalization of unmarried sex that’s woven into the story lines of popular TV shows.

By the time she got to high school, she was totally comfortable coming to us with anything. And she trusted we had her best interest at heart. I knew which of her friends were sexually active, which of her friends experimented with drugs, which drank -her closest circle of friends the ones she spent time with outside of school were not in any of those categories. Every time she shared something we talked about. The consequences, the negative outcomes, the reason why these things were immoral - the laws of the church came from God’s love for us because he wanted the best for us. She lamented how sad she was for friends that they had poor relationships of with their mother or their father or both. She couldn’t understand why her friends thought their parents were dumb. She actually said to me “you guys have lived longer than me of course you know more.”

There was also a teachable moment that occurred when she was 12. My best friend’s daughter became pregnant at 17. I didn’t hide it. I sat her down and it explained it. She learned we condemn the sin not the person. She also was able to see all the difficulties that came with it. The break up with the boyfriend, the child’s father. The tug of war of parental visitation. The way the child is caught in the middle. The struggles. My husband and I are the child’s Godparents. She saw compassion and forgiveness -and the reality of teen sex & teen parenting.

During her sophomore year our parish started the youth group Lifeteen which was probably the second biggest influence. She developed are circle of Catholic friends who were like minded, who understood the importance of her faith in her life and who shared the same values -something her secular friends did not.

We told her she couldn’t date until she was 16. At 15 a boy asked her out and she told him she couldn’t date until 16. His response was he would have to wait a year then. We got to know the boy and his parents. They saw each other in group settings. And we did end up giving her permission to date him. She has had two boyfriends so far (she is 18 now -and currently single), both relationships lasted at least 9 months and she has never had her first kiss.

I don’t claim it is all because of us. I know each child is different and like said I don’t know if what worked for her would have worked for subsequent children.

Other things we did over the years. Our church has modest fashion shows for teens and they bring in speakers which she’s attended. We bought this book at one of the shows :amazon.com/Young-Women-Only-About-ebook/dp/B001PSEQH4/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382763049&sr=1-2& keywords=what+girls+need+to+know

The biggest influence I believe was/is communication. She knew the why -why we had filters on the computer, why we didn’t allow certain shows, why dressing modest (still fashionable but modest) was important, why sex before was wrong etc. And felt/feels safe discussing anything and asking anything.