Chastity and my boyfriend

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Im 18 years old, a senior in high school and I am a virgin. In my freshman year, my theology teacher gave a wonderful talk about chastity and it changed my life. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months and he is absolutely wonderful. He is 19. I have met his parents and he has met mine. We have been friends for a long time and I know he is the one. We can share anything with each other and we are always there for each other. He is respectful, giving and considerate. He has had sex before but I have not. He has never pressured me into having sex with him but has brought up the topic several times. I tell him that it is something I am waiting for until marriage but I feel like he does not understand how important waiting is. He tells me he loves me and thats how he will show me but I tell him if he loves me then he will respect the fact that I want to wait. I also explain to him that we are not ready, Im getting ready to go to college and because we are against abortion and using the birth control pill, having a baby would not allow me to acommplish my goals right now. What else can I tall him to get the point across??
 
It is unclear from your post if this is your belief, but how about that you are saving yourself for the exclusive, lifelong covenant of marriage?
 
Jackie_Vanessa said:
He has never pressured me into having sex with him but has brought up the topic several times…] He tells me he loves me and thats how he will show me but I tell him if he loves me then he will respect the fact that I want to wait.
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That’s pressure right there.

I am in a relationship now, 1.75 years. We are on our way to getting married next summer (not this upcoming). We are both virgins. It is the most special feeling knowing that i am going to share something with the most wonderful girl in the world that no one else is ever going to get. You can never ever take it back. Imagine if in the future you meet the most wonderful man ever, and he proposed to marry you. You accept, it’s a fairy tale, and he is a virgin. But you are not. How will you feel? He preserved this gift JUST for you.

My woman and I both agreed to wait and that is our strong line in the sand, but we still slip on other things…

Please don’t forget the deep damage that pre-marital sex can do to your soul…if you are taking theology class you must be aware of the gravity of any unchaste act, let alone contracepted pre-marital sex, it is a mortal sin.

There is nothing wrong with sex, nothing at all. It is a natural act between married couples. Your virginity is for your husband, period. 19 is a rough age for a guy at that age, he must feel a great deal of pressure to be able to say “yah she’s a good time in bed” when his friends ask. (trust me, this is what guys talk about, al lthe time)

Sexual temptation is very hard to deal with too, trust me i’m no saint, but we have to do the best we can. Perhaps you can tell him that you will keep the secret that you’re both virgins and there is no shame. If he can wait till marriage then it shouldnt be a problem, because there will be years and years of sex!

If he cant wait until marriage then he’s not marriage material and all he is doing is taking time away from finding your real man.

God bless you and good luck,

-revelations
 
Also, what i’ve seen as effective in other relationships is setting YOUR personal limit.

like: I will not have sex until marriage. It is that simple. There will be none of this that or the other until there is a ring on my finger, and a bouquet in my hand.

Rather than the: “we arent ready…” because i’ll tell you, he’s been ready since grade 7…and cant understand why you arent…
 
You didn’t mention in your post if your boyfriend is Catholic. If so, perhaps you can use that as a segue into why/how he should also strive to be abstinent.

A few resources on the subject:
  • Real Love.net — Addressing key issues facing all of us with regard to faith, chastity and our culture.
  • Project Reality — Learn about the benefits of abstinence.
  • Abstinence Clearinghouse — Promoting the appreciation for and practice of sexual purity until marriage.
  • Truth 4 Youth — Providing an alternative to pop culture’s views on teenage relationships and sexual intimacy.
  • Pure Love Club — No fear tactics. No guilt trips… Just the demands of authentic human love.
    You’ve only been together a few months. And you’re about to embark on a new phase in life at college. I don’t know if you and your boyfriend want to continue the relationship when you leave for college. (If you’re going to end it, that’s definitely a reason not to sleep with him.) I don’t know if you’ve seriously discussed marriage. (If the idea of it scares him, that’s also a clear sign that you shouldn’t sleep with him.) But even if you two have already promised to each other that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, do things in the right order… Be courted, get engaged, get married, and then you can consummate that bond.
You’re doing the right thing. Stay true. Pray to our holy Mother and say the Rosary, and that will give you strength.
 
Im Protestant and he is Catholic. We have talked about marriage and I know he wants to marry me (I am staying in-state for college). I tell him im saving myself for our marriage and though he is not pressuring me to have sex with him, I feel like he does not understand why I believe in chastity or how important it is to me.
 
How soon is he planning to marry?

If that’s the case, why not just wait? Many couples regret not waiting deeply, do a forum search on premarital sex. It is worth it to wait. This time should be spent learning intimate secrets about each other, and learning about all the different ways of making love.

It’s hard for young men to understand this concept. Since grade 7 it’s been all about sex. He’s already had sex as well ( i hope he protected himself, because you say he doesnt believe in contraception, in which case i would send him to the clinic for some tests). So to him it’s already no big deal. He could also be excited knowing he would be your first. My friends always bragged about how many virgins they “introduced”. I’m sure he is a very good guy. Most guys are. See if he’s the real thing.

Guard this gift with your life until you get that ring on your finger and you hear an I do. You won’t ever regret it.

p.s. recommend he ask his priest for guidance, it sounds like he needs to go back to church…
 
Don’t worry, you need to stay firm to your beliefs and your decisions, it’ll be worth it in the end.

I’m 21, have a wonderful boyfriend, we’ve been going out for almost 2 years now and we both agreed to wait until we were married, which will only happen once i finish my degree which isn’t for another year and a half or so. I can easily tell you that the relationship we have now is so different from what it was 3 months after we started dating, so different from what it was 1 year after, and so on… it keeps getting better and better. And i know that if we had sex tomorrow it would take a little away from our relationship, even if we are so close now and we know that we are going to get married. It just wouldn’t be the same anymore.

I truly believe that waiting is the way to really help a relationship grow, there is no bigger sign of love from a man than him accepting to wait for marriage before having sex (same goes for a woman, but i think it means more coming from a man) And the person who says that you judge a relationship from the sex is a liar (and i know a lot of people who have said that and who believe that) I can tell you, without a doubt, that my relationship with my boyfriend is stronger than any relationships my friends ever had, no matter how good the sex was in their case.

Yes sex is an expression of love, but it has to be in the right context too, and there are so many other ways he can show you that he loves you.

When i first started going out with my boyfriend i wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about sex, and if he would be ok with waiting until marriage, but i set the limit for myself anyway, telling myself i would never cross it. Because in the end i could not know what would happen between us: he could leave because he doesn’t want to wait ( in that case at least i wouldn’t have waisted my time on someone that wasn’t meant to be), or let’s say I gave in and we had sex, there’s nothing that would have stopped us from breaking up later, or if we did get married there would have been something missing on that wedding night. Or the last scenario, which fortunately was the real one, he accepted to wait and now we are so strong and happy together and are going to get married.
So you see, in staying strong and choosing to wait you lose nothing, and gain lots. And not to mention the fact that birth control is going to have to be discussed, and since you are both against abortion and the pill the situation can become very stressful and take a toll on your relationship, and your school life.

well that was a long post, im sorry. I hope it helps
🙂
 
Jackie_Vanessa said:
Im Protestant and he is Catholic. We have talked about marriage and I know he wants to marry me (I am staying in-state for college). I tell him im saving myself for our marriage and though he is not pressuring me to have sex with him, I feel like he does not understand why I believe in chastity or how important it is to me.
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You say he is not pressuring you yet why do you feel the need to explain it to him again?..he is catholic…he knows the deal on premarital sex yet he is not a virgin. He has nothing to lose but everything to gain in bedding you. He is 19 and frankly he can be the nicest guy in the world but you and he are not on the same page in saving yourself for your spouse.

All you need to say youve said already and if you are the one for him he would respect you enough to not have sex with anyone else and wait as long as it takes for you to be sure you either want premarital sex or you want to enjoy your first experience of making love with your husband.
 
Jackie_Vanessa said:
Im 18 years old, a senior in high school and I am a virgin. In my freshman year, my theology teacher gave a wonderful talk about chastity and it changed my life. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months and he is absolutely wonderful.
What else can I tall him to get the point across??
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Don’t allow him to describe himself as “your boyfriend”. Just “a boyfriend”. He has no rights over you yet.

Date someone else just to make this point.

However don’t say “the relationship is over”. Just say “maybe, some day”. If he really wants you he will chase you until you agree to marry him. If he doesn’t then the relationship will end soon anyway, and you don’t want it to be with him having had sex with you.
 
He is not committed to chastity. He does not share your values or your faith.

I suggest you find someone who does. You **cannot **change someone’s character-- and it seems to me he is lacking in the character department.

There are many fine men out there, and at 18 you have yet to really start your life. You have four years of college ahead of you, and your horizons will be broadened when you go.

Don’t make the mistake of tieing yourself exclusively to this boy.
 
To put it blunt, love is not a feeling but an act of the will. And you need to see an objective act of the will in the form of marriage. Anything else is just nice-sounding wind. Something boys with sex drive excel in. Intents to marry are not marriage, so don’t fall for that garbage.

I wouldn’t date others just to make the point about rights. Dating should only be done with some view to the possiblity of marriage, if at all.

P.S. If actually does go through wedding plans, make him get a dispensation. In other words, sex and marriage are adult things. Both you and he need to act like adults and have all that no-nonsense boring practical adult stuff in order.
 
I have been with my fiance for almost 2 1/2 years now and we are getting married on August 16 of 2008. We had both already made the decision to wait until we are married to have sex before we even met.

I look at it this way, and you can try to explain it to him like this too. If you are getting married (which you say you two are thinking about), then you have the rest of your lives to have sex with each other. Why the rush after just three months? Your boyfriend should love you, not your body. So if he really loves you he will understand that sex will be so much more special if it happens for the first time on your wedding night. And like I said, you’ll have lots of time over the course of your marriage, so no rush now.

In Christ,
Rand
 
My wife and I were 19 when we married. We are still married and are 37 today. With all I have learned over the years about covenental love I have realized how our wedding day was completely stained with sin. We had intercourse with each other prior to us being married. Our marriage was in real turmoil for a long time because what we thought was love was lust and immaturity. I wanted to play seriously and I did so to an extent. I have made confession but continue to stuggle with desire. I want to applaud your determination and I want to encourage you as well to persevere and hold steadfast to your conviction. I want to suggest strongly you read the work of Christopher West who interpreted John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body”. You and your boyfriend should study it together. It is simply AMAZING !👍
 
Jackie_Vanessa said:
He tells me he loves me and thats how he will show me but I tell him if he loves me then he will respect the fact that I want to wait.
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So, that’s how he wants to show you that he loves you? I think that is how he showed a previous girl or girls that he loved them. So, if now that is what he is telling you he thinks love is, then he is totally clueless. You have it completely right…if he loves you, then he would be willing to sacrifice for you.

Please, don’t jeopardize your future. Don’t get involved with this boy. Save yourself for the man who will be your husband.
 
revelations said:
Originally Posted by Jackie Vanessa
He has never pressured me into having sex with him but has brought up the topic several times…] He tells me he loves me and thats how he will show me but I tell him if he loves me then he will respect the fact that I want to wait.
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You said it! “Let me show you my love!” Oh, please! Let him demonstrate his love by respecting her wishes on the subject.

While nobody can read this guy’s mind, I seriously doubt that he would be willing to wait until he married the OP before having sex. IMO the chances are much stronger that he would either leave her first, or pressure/“guilt” her into sex outside of marriage. And I say that as a guy who did all those things in an earlier and piggish life. The OP needs to be clear on this.
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Jackie_Vanessa said:
Im Protestant and he is Catholic. We have talked about marriage and I know he wants to marry me (I am staying in-state for college). I tell him im saving myself for our marriage and though he is not pressuring me to have sex with him, I feel like he does not understand why I believe in chastity or how important it is to me.
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Just be firm. The chances that you at 18 and he at 19 will really end up getting married are statistically very slim. At this stage you must assume that you will not end up marrying him, and behave accordingly.
 
Malcolm_McLean said:
Don’t allow him to describe himself as “your boyfriend”. Just “a boyfriend”. He has no rights over you yet.

Date someone else just to make this point.

However don’t say “the relationship is over”. Just say “maybe, some day”. If he really wants you he will chase you until you agree to marry him. If he doesn’t then the relationship will end soon anyway, and you don’t want it to be with him having had sex with you.
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Make him chase her? Yeah, that sounds healthy.
 
The bible says fornicators can’t enter heaven. So, your boyfriend is saying, let me show you how much I love you by sending you to hell. Yeah!!!, that’s true love.
 
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