Chastity during engagement-please help!

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Stbernadettepray4us

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My fiancé and I are really struggling with chastity. We have not had sex, but we are mortally sinning. We are in and out of Confession nearly every week. We have tried fasting, consecrations to the Blessed Mother, and various other forms of prayer together. We’ve talked to so many priests about it, studied Theology of the body, and despite all of this we cannot seem to conquer this. I think the strength of our wills has been seriously compromised, and I feel so hopeless about it sometimes. We have been praying for the graces to avoid occasions of sin, but I can’t get myself to deny myself enough. We both know this kind of selfishness will not go away when we are married, and we really want to overcome this in the last six months of our engagement. Does anyone have any advice? Or know of something that worked for them?
 
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Are you able to avoid too much “alone time”? I presume alone time is a prerequisite for the sinning of which you speak?
 
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No, we definitely are not avoiding too much alone time. That’s what I mean by not even really being able to avoid the occasions of sin. We live 30 minutes from each other so often times it seems hard to not spend long periods of time together because we’ve made the drive. Additionally I live with a roommate I’m not particularly close to, and I’m homesick from my family that lives on the other side of the country. I really don’t like to be alone at my apartment so I often spend a lot of time with him.
 
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Dont have a lot of advice except to say that it’s a really really good thing you are recognize this and are trying to remedy it. In our culture so many would get rid of the struggle by justifying it. So congrats on really trying to be mature and taking marriage seriously.
 
There are going to be times in your married life, and later, with children, when you are not going to get to do what you want, when you want to do it. It would be better for you to master being able to wait for things. You should work on being able to be alone and not have it bother you so much because there are times in marriage you will be alone.

If being together is causing you to sin, the obvious thing to do is not spend the kind of time you are spending alone together. Go out in public. Spend time with friends as a group.

A half hour drive is not that long. Please stop using that as an excuse. And praying alone will not change how you are acting. You need to follow God’s will for your life, not your will. It is a matter of choice, and you are choosing your actions, they are not “just happening” as some people claim.

I don’t know how old you are, but you sound like you and your boyfriend need to mature further.
 
There is every likely hood that you may sin if this continues.Either get married soon and if not possible for any practical reasons just stop going to his place and instead meet at some decent public place.
 
Self discipline is never easy, only you know the situations where it’s happened in the past that you can avoid in the future. You have the choice to revisit the situation before you feel like you no longer have control or you can change where you meet, how long you meet and what you do. Do things differently and the outcome can be different. The first time you succeed you’ll go to sleep very proud of yourself, your soul will be content, your will strengthened, because you exercised it well and it will be easier to practice going forward.
 
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Pray the Rosary and make a pact between yourselves to not have relations until marriage. If you’ve been engaged for 6 months, I imagine the marriage date is soon(?).
If seeing each other is too much temptation, maybe only see each other in public places until marriage. Maybe carry a picture of the Crucifixion to look at when you meet in public.
Don’t be afraid to do things for others in charity.
God bless and pray for me and I will pray for you.
 
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We have been dating for 9 months, engaged for 2 months, and we are getting married in 6th because a close family member is deployed. So it is not as simple as that.
 
We have been dating for 9 months, engaged for 2 months, and we are getting married in 6th because a close family member is deployed. I say the Rosary every morning without fail, and I have been for the last three years. The rest is helpful advice though. Thank you.
 
6 months. We have only been engaged for two months.
 
I’m not claiming that my actions are not my own or “just happening to me” which is why I said that I felt like the sin was weakening my will. I understand my full agency in this act which is why I came to Catholic Answers for some advice. I’ve been reading it for years, but this was my first time reaching out on the forum, and now that I’m reading your response I don’t know that I ever want to again.

I am an orthodox Catholic woman, and I’m studying moral theology in Grad School. Despite understanding what I’m doing, I am having struggles with chastity which are quite humiliating. Not to mention I deeply miss my big family, and whether you think it is legitimate or not, I am struggling to be alone all the time. It is entirely presumptuous and uncharitable to suggest that we are too immature to get married. I didn’t get into the entire subject because I didnt realize I would be on trial for my question, but the 30 minute drive is a distance because I haven’t had a car so my fiancé must drive round trip, or I must pay $25 for an Uber. It is still not an excuse, rather it is just another thing that I feel contributes to us spending too much time together. I would caution you against hopping around forums excoriating people who are struggling with virtue.
 
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I see. I guess I misunderstood the situation. Well, I guess aside from avoiding near occasions of sin and praying the Rosary every day (St Louis de Montfort requested 15 decades, though I am still on the 5), I guess also pray for grace at the moment of temptation and speaking about God openly with your fiancee. I hope this can help at least a tad bit. God bless.
 
Start talking to each other about what is in your thoughts rather than doing your thoughts and try to explain why the thoughts, what is the purpose of the thoughts.
There is a reason “to know each other” is the Bible’s word for sex… https://softvocation.org/2018/05/24/knowing … Tell each other what you are knowing, talk, in that moment where you have usually been grasping.

John Martin
 
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The Church makes you wait usually a couple months after deciding to get married (even after dating or being engaged for a while it starts once you notify them)
And even during marriage
You can rarely satisfy desires because pregnancy or NFP
both require lots of waiting and times of abstinence
 
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