Chastity, or Running In Circles

[Mark86]

Trying to practice chastity for me is like running in circles or running in a hamster wheel, exerting a lot of effort continuously to go nowhere in life. Let me explain what I mean. I recently read “The Courage to Be Chaste” by Fr. Groeschel, and it was supremely enlightening, especially for someone like me with various sexual disorders that prevent me from practicing sexuality in a non-sinful way. But here’s some thoughts I had the other day after yet another pointless fall (I got bored of “not sinning”). I desperately desire chastity and I know it’s only a grace God can give, but I just want to know why I can’t have it and why I can’t be joyful in it.

As soon as I step out of the confessional, I have a renewed commitment to living the 6th Commandment and I essentially set out to “refrain from doing XYZ” with joy because I’m thankful for God’s mercy… lay your life down, etc. The second day comes around and I say “thanks be to God, I shall not do XYZ today!!” The third day comes along and I say again “thanks be to God, I shall not do XYZ today.” The fourth day comes along, and I say… “okay thanks be to God I shall not do XYZ… but then, what shall I do?” The fifth day comes along and I say “I don’t know… I have kept the 6th Commandment for 5 days… thanks be to God, but I don’t know why…” And I can no longer fathom why I’m continuing to simply refrain from breaking it… it feels like running in circles. It feels like running in a wheel. And then after a fall, I feel the renewed commitment once again and head back to Confession once again to do it all over again!

Yes, there’s a promise that at the end of my life (a time known only to God) there’s future glory for those who persevere in doing this task of avoiding genital stimulation… but at the moment of truth, each time I can’t fathom why I should go yet another day of “not doing it,” especially when Confession is available for me anyways. I know that’s a slippery slope to presumption and all kinds of other sins, so I don’t like to entertain such thoughts, but I can’t escape the feeling that continuing to “NOT do XYZ” is just like running from confession to mortal sin, mortal sin back to confession, and then confession to mortal sin… ad infinitum.

It’s almost like chastity is a game of running in circles in order to maintain your share in an “invisible pot of gold.” So long as you simply keep running, you have a share in it. If you stop running in it for any purpose, you completely lose your share in that invisible pot of gold. And what is the point of doing this exercise of running? So you don’t lose an invisible share in an invisible pot of gold you can’t even sense anyways? Anyways, I make an act of faith and an act of perfect contrition and renew my resolution, get back up and continue running… and then inevitably start to ask “what am I running this for?” I see other people who are actually going places in life and I’m just running in a wheel. I ask every morning for the Holy Spirit to reveal His will for me and it just never becomes apparent. So I fall into sin as a result.

Now perhaps the wheel is on a treadmill and the treadmill is dragging all those who aren’t running in one down to hell… therefore running in one, although seemingly going nowhere, is at least staying out of hell… but is that really the point? To simply avoid hell? To put up with going nowhere in life and doing nothing just long enough to wait for your death so you can escape hell? I’m venting a bit here, I know, but I just can’t seem to have joy in this life God gave me. And because I just get bored of “avoiding sin” … I fall into sin. And that’s what it is, it’s just boredom.

I try to fill my life with various distractions and hobbies, but all of it is still geared around doing random things to “avoid” doing “XYZ” … not for the sake of doing the activities themselves. This becomes apparent days after a confession when I have nothing to look forward to but falling into sin and going back to confession. I can sit in my bed and practice the 6th Commandment very easily… but it’s still just sitting around avoiding the doing of something (sin) rather than the doing of something. And all people have to say about what one should do is “talk to a spiritual director” … “pray XYZ prayer” … and general things like “love.” But then when I ask what that “commandment to love” involves, people tell me it means “laying your life down” and “loving God and neighbor”… and it all comes back around to saying what? That I express my love for God by enduring the boredom of chastity day after day?

I guess I just feel like the “rich young man”, and I just wonder what Christ’s response would be to me…

Me: “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
Christ: *“You know the commandments. Don’t commit adultery.” *
Me: “Teacher, I have kept that commandment for five days now. I want to keep keeping it though, so what else should I do? I’m bored."
Christ: “You lack one thing…"

What do I lack? Am I just trying too hard for “angelic perfection”? Is this a vain quest or is it chastity?

 

[3DOCTORS]

Random thought here - but reading your post I see you feel helplessly stuck in a cycle that you can predict. So what may be happening is that you’re making it a self-fulfilling prophecy by your counting of days. Why not try what alcoholics in AA do - they only focus on “one day at a time.”

If it’s same-sex attraction you struggle with, I’ve heard that’s the approach the group Courage takes. If it’s pornography, there are other chastity resources. Sounds like you need a group of people and maybe an accountability mentor. Something different from the pattern you have been in should help “break out of the rut” that is so frustrating and is threatening to make you cynical and hopeless. (Remember, that’s what the devil wants - so don’t give him the satisfaction of defeating you!) May God bless you and help you over these bumps in the road and on to a smoother road.

 

[fencersmother]

It sounds to me as if on Day 5, you put yourself into a near occasion of sin. And, of course, you will fall (I know I would!)

So for a simple solution though it may be temporary (and not that you asked): get a part time job, teach someone to read, learn to crochet, help out at the animal shelter, coach soccer… so SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will take you away from that near-occasion. If you can do this, after time, the temptation may come back, but it may not be so that it overwhelms you.

I’ll pray for you!

 

[Used2beSherryG]

boredom??? Are you saying that engaging in sinful sex is entertaining you like nothing else will? I suggest that you see a therapist, and a Catholic one… Continue to go to confession, receive the Eucharist in a state of grace and avoid the near occasion of sin. Your whole identity seems to be locked up in a very small box. We’ll pray for your healing from this addiction as it sounds like what it going on here. Your conscience is alive and well, you just need some guidance from a professional in my opinion. Sexuality is a part of our human nature, however it is generally far from being the controlling component of our lives.

 

[Mintaka]

Thinking about not doing something, or thinking about not thinking about something, are pretty much not something you want to do much. As St. Teresa of Avila said, trying hard to not think just makes you think about them more and harder.

If tempting thoughts come up, don’t get upset. Just drop the thought. It floated into your head without you wanting it to come, so it can float right back out without you worrying about it.

Nobody says, “Oh, yeah, breathing is so boring and strenuous that I just can’t stand to fill my lungs another minute!” Chastity is like breathing or eating or drinking liquids; it’s basic conduct for survival purposes. A properly ordered sex life (whether that’s reasonable normal sex with a spouse, or reasonable normal lack of sex with those who aren’t your spouse) is part of getting your life together in a reasonable normal way.

Which means that you need to be thinking more about your life in general, because probably there’s lots of life stuff you’ve been neglecting because you were having problems.

You need to find activities and friendships you enjoy for their own sake, so that you don’t think of them as “just substitutes.” I think you realize this yourself.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Good point made that by obsessing on it you give the negative prediction that much more power. Somehow you need to tell your mind “STOP! Not gonna go there!” :knight1: If the pesky thoughts persist, say “I SAID not gonna go there, end of discussion!” :nope: Then calmly find a positive, different direction of thought or activity to engage in.

 

[Mark86]

Once again, you guys are awesome. I can’t thank you enough for your support… may God bless you abundantly.

It sounds to me as if on Day 5, you put yourself into a near occasion of sin. And, of course, you will fall (I know I would!)

That’s exactly what it is too. I’m not making any excuses. It’s very easy to commit to doing something, but then very hard to do it “at the moment of truth.”

I also have anxiety problems that hinder me from seeking people and things out. In fact, I’ve basically concluded recently that it’s not so much “arousal by temptation” that gets me… I can deal with that. That is “kid stuff” compared to what I’m dealing with, which is more like having a full-fledged panic attack. What happens is a fetish thought enters my brain suddenly and without warning (and usually completely divorced from any sources of temptation), and attached to it is all the symptoms of a panic attack… shaking, shortness of breath, dread, something like a pit in my chest and throat, a kind of nausea…etc. Up until I started trying to practice chastity, I would use masturbation as a means to alleviate these “attacks,” but obviously doing that has had terrible psychological and physiological consequences. And now that I’m trying to resist the compulsion to alleviate the panic attack via masturbation, I’m often stuck sitting around enduring the physiological effects of the panic attack without relief. And no, it doesn’t go away just by turning attention to something else. Lust goes away like that. This doesn’t. This follows me no matter what I’m doing, because it’s a physiological condition. That is something that definitely needs to be addressed. And I thank you for your prayers.

I got to say though, enduring the effects of these panic attacks is like getting a small taste of the crucifixion. They are relentless. “Why have you forsaken me”… “Take this cup from me…” All of that is involved.

boredom??? Are you saying that engaging in sinful sex is entertaining you like nothing else will? I suggest that you see a therapist, and a Catholic one… Continue to go to confession, receive the Eucharist in a state of grace and avoid the near occasion of sin. Your whole identity seems to be locked up in a very small box. We’ll pray for your healing from this addiction as it sounds like what it going on here. Your conscience is alive and well, you just need some guidance from a professional in my opinion. Sexuality is a part of our human nature, however it is generally far from being the controlling component of our lives.

I completely agree with you and agree with your assessment. It has become my entire life and identity. I’ve been living in it for over 10 years, since I was a teenager, and right now I’m just struggling to figure out what else I enjoy doing or what else I’m capable of. I don’t like to say it, but I wouldn’t be honest to myself, to God, or to anyone by pretending that sinful sexual impurity doesn’t “entertain me” more powerfully than any of my other interests, ambitions or desires. I recognize just how disordered that is and I definitely need help to overcome it. So once again, I can’t thank you enough for your prayers. I need all the super-natural help I can get, because plain old “nature” is working against me.

Which means that you need to be thinking more about your life in general, because probably there’s lots of life stuff you’ve been neglecting because you were having problems.

You need to find activities and friendships you enjoy for their own sake, so that you don’t think of them as “just substitutes.” I think you realize this yourself.

You’re absolutely right, but the problem is I don’t know where to begin. I basically have to start my life at 28 where it should’ve been when I was 14 and do it all over. I don’t know how to do any of those things like “find friends” or “find things that interest me” …etc. I don’t know how to live. One of my favorite lines in the psalms is “You make me know the path of life…” (psalm 16) … I wait for God to do just that. Another one that inspires me is from Ecclesiastes where it talks about **“scatter your seed to the wind, for you know not which will take root…” ** Poetry like that is all well and good, but I just wish I knew concrete ways to do that… I know there are always things that one can do, but I just can’t seem to be inspired enough to do any of them. I know there are thousands of little opportunities for daily acts of charity that I can commit to doing, and I do them, but for some reason, it’s never enough to give me contentment. I always feel like I want to be doing them with someone.

 

[Praedicare]

Mark, the key to chastity is not thinking about chastity.

There is a basic psychological tenet at work in your problem. Try to imagine a big blue elephant with a red hat a pink trunk, black boots, big soulful eyes, a green tail, etc. for about 5 minutes…

… now, don’t think about the elephant! Don’t you even dare do it!

… It’s impossible. Telling yourself not to do something, or saying “I won’t do XYZ today”* is* a way of focusing on something-XYZ. Every moment you say “I won’t commit this sin” is a distant preparation for committing it.

You may think you’re fulfilling Christ’s command to be “Perfect, as your Father in Heaven is perfect”, but in fact you are contributing to your own sin by your habitual focus on not doing it. What’s the solution? Love. Give yourself to others. If you fill your whole life with doing big and small tasks (even if painful) for others - solely for their sake - you have no time to focus on yourself and your sins. What’s the real context of “perfection”, in Christ’s command? It’s about forgiveness and love. That is where we must be perfect, like God.

People like you and me, who deal with this obsessive conflict within ourselves, are often too focused on our own purity/sinlessness/perfection. We do not realize that the Lord Jesus told us to be perfect in love, not in any other way. Only love of others, sacrifice for others, and giving yourself to others can end this cycle, because in our current state of mind it’s about ourselves… which is, in a sense, sinful. Our lives as Christians are for the other, in all circumstances. Remaining in yourself is emptiness.

This is a long, long process and requires great patience over a period of many years. Pray and love, and wait.

 

[Mark86]

You may think you’re fulfilling Christ’s command to be “Perfect, as your Father in Heaven is perfect”, but in fact you are contributing to your own sin by your habitual focus on not doing it. What’s the solution? Love. Give yourself to others. If you fill your whole life with doing big and small tasks (even if painful) for others - solely for their sake - you have no time to focus on yourself and your sins. What’s the real context of “perfection”, in Christ’s command? It’s about forgiveness and love. That is where we must be perfect, like God.

I completely agree with you, but what do you do when you don’t have “others”? I usually do things like put money in the tins outside of stores (if I have some) or do things like hold doors for people or defer to people… I’m practically a doormat for people at work, just because I quietly do what needs to be done even if I’m not assigned to do it. I work for the mentally challenged, those in the profound and severe range, in direct care of their daily needs… so for at least 8 hours a day I am at the service of God’s children in a very crucial way. The work has placed me at people’s deathbeds and attending them in the hospital for all hours of the night. I count all of this as a blessing.

The problem is that it doesn’t give me a peace of heart. I still feel like I’m wasting my life. Like the years are just passing by so fast and I still have nothing of my own to show for it all. I don’t have friends. I don’t significant others. I just go my way and do my work and then come home and have no one to talk to or for me to assist in any way. I don’t want to be doing what all the people my age are doing or getting into some of those sinful “scenes”… but neither do I want to just be sitting around waiting in my room. I want to be proactive about life. Sitting around and waiting is all I’ve ever done. It never got me anything.

Had I just sat around at home and waited, I would never have gone to Church. I had to say one day “No, I won’t sit around and wait, I’m DOING this.” And so I did.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Have you been evaluated for depression and OCD, tried any meds? I have a different experience yet similar with intrusive thoughts. Mine are of fear of “losing it” when in a panic attack trigger situation. It’s kind of complicated to explain. But what I’m getting at is that anxiety comes in many varieties, and it is possible for intrusive thoughts and panic attacks to feed off one another. And that’s definitely a downer that can drain a lot of enjoyment out of life. I have medication that keeps some of it at bay - not perfectly; I’m still restricted but part of the reason for that is just that I don’t tolerate meds well. Others may be able to be helped quite a bit. I’d say it’s worth checking out. Hope this isn’t giving medical advice - I’m just saying find an actual medical professional (who understands Catholic beliefs and respects them) if you haven’t already, because it might make all the difference. God bless!