Chastity question!

[nida007]

I have been a Catholic for quite some time now,I have strong family and moral values and I intend to keep my chastity intact and never compromise on them.

I had question regarding keeping my standards too high, I am a virgin and I would also want a Catholic man whos a virgin too because if he is not,then i donot want to be in a relation ship with him regardless if we both get along well and we have many things in common…because the pain of him lying with another woman would hurt me and would eat me up inside… and that is no what i want to go through.

Is it okay if i keep my standards high?! Because I know and pray that i get what i deserve the best and im not being ‘too proud’ about it,but in myheart i want a guy whos pure and is saving himself for marriage so he and i could share the gift of our virginity so that we may both feel special and remain holy.

I would like to know if im, being selfish and judging someone because " I would respect him and would like him,might consider marrying him because he would want too. but he isnt virgin thats why would not marry him "…

If i go through someone whos not a virgin how do I be clear about my values and the importance of him being a virgin? How do i counter this problem ‘without’ offending someone?

NEED some serious advice on this! Thanks

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OF COURSE you have every right to keep your own standards high! If you could not put a man’s past behind you and it would bother you, it is good that you know that now instead of getting attracted and attached to a man and then finding out that he’s not pure.

It is your prerogative to prefer a man who is also a virgin.

 

[The_Bucket]

Keep your standards as high as you like, but understand that human beings are all fallible. And that just because someone is a virgin does not mean he is without sexual sins and temptations. Or failures in other major areas.

 

[nida007]

OF COURSE you have every right to keep your own standards high! If you could not put a man’s past behind you and it would bother you, it is good that you know that now instead of getting attracted and attached to a man and then finding out that he’s not pure.

It is your prerogative to prefer a man who is also a virgin.

Okay,then how do I tell him before hand that I want a man whos virgin and not someone like him who has had pre-marital sex. Without offending him?

 

[ballet_dancer]

Okay,then how do I tell him before hand that I want a man whos virgin and not someone like him who has had pre-marital sex. Without offending him?

I don’t think you need to make a forward statement about only desiring to marry a virgin.

Instead I would just bring up a convesation about premarital relations. See where he stands on the issue and go from there. If he immediantly scoffs at the matter then you know there’s an issue. You might not get a direct answer to your question, but at least an indication on his values and enough to either pursue something further or cut things off then.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Okay,then how do I tell him before hand that I want a man whos virgin and not someone like him who has had pre-marital sex. Without offending him?

I don’t think you need to make a forward statement about only desiring to marry a virgin.

Instead I would just bring up a convesation about premarital relations. See where he stands on the issue and go from there. If he immediantly scoffs at the matter then you know there’s an issue. You might not get a direct answer to your question, but at least an indication on his values and enough to either pursue something further or cut things off then.

Agreed.

However, as someone who has gone through the process of forgiving the past - I can say that while it may sometimes be hard, it’s not impossible, nor is it unworthy.

Many Saints sinned greatly and reformed their lives.

 

[sicutincensum]

Although it’s not a sin for you to refuse to marry someone based on that - I was almost tempted to say “you have the right to refuse someone because of that” - but one should not forget that Catholic life, or life in general, isn’t about (fictional) rights that we believe we (should) have. Your happiness does not depend on your “right” to refuse to marry someone because he had premarital sex/lied/missed Mass on Sundays/insert sin here, but on the will of God about you.

So, my best advice is: do not set rules like these. You simply do not now what is God’s will for you. Your discernment should follow a case by case analysis.

And perhaps you should rather explore the reasons that make you loath so much that particular sin commited in the past by a person who is repentant and received the Sacrament of Reconciliation (God forgave his sins and perhaps he is a better person today than he was before commiting those sins). Could your rigour hide pride, jealously, or anything else? It’s up to you to consider this.

 

[The_Bucket]

However, as someone who has gone through the process of forgiving the past - I can say that while it may sometimes be hard, it’s not impossible, nor is it unworthy.

Many Saints sinned greatly and reformed their lives.

One need only to look at St. Augustine to see how true this is. Or St. Paul. Or how about St. Peter?

Which is worse? St. Augustine cavorting with random women and having a child out of wedlock, St. Paul holding the cloaks of people who were murdering Christians or St. Peter denying that he knew Christ when he was the first one to confess that Jesus was “the one who is to come into the world”? I daresay that any of us would be proud to call these great saints our close friends and yet look at what they did.

Again, you are quite free to have whatever standards you please. And I understand not wanting to deal with a complicated past. But I can tell you that in my own experience, virginity does not mean chastity and neither condition assures you of a great marriage. I myself was a virgin on my wedding day. Of course, I also had engaged in impure acts in the past and while I was “free” from them for awhile, it eventually caught up with me a few years into my marriage. Things are much better now and I’ve been “sober” from my addiction for months.

Of course, someone who is firmly committed to chastity likely has a strong character and that’s good. But a firm commitment to chastity could also come from reform of past ways.

 

[Ophelia23]

Keep your standards as high as you like, but understand that human beings are all fallible. And that just because someone is a virgin does not mean he is without sexual sins and temptations. Or failures in other major areas.

This.

I have/had the same standards as the OP, and was in a very similar situation. When I met my husband, I knew I wanted to love him forever. But when I learned of his fallen past, I had to really reconsider and think hard about it. If God was able to set his sins as far from the East is from the West, why was I to not do the same?

 

[TrixieMcGee]

All I can think of is the quote from a play (I am pretty sure it was called “A Good Woman”), “Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” We don’t know who the Lord has in store for us and I personally think it could be a mistake to automatically discount all people who are not virgins. I have a friend who is one of the best Catholics I know and such a good and wonderful man (he is my husband’s best friend) and he struggled a lot in the past with impurity (he used to be a Protestant, but converted a few years back). I know how much it would have crushed him if his current wife turned him down solely because of one aspect of his past. They are now happily married. Remember we all fall, but God can redeem us. You would be missing out on some really good men, but only you can decide what you can handle.

 

[polishandproud]

The only thing that is important is that he has repented, and is living a chaste life now!!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Okay,then how do I tell him before hand that I want a man whos virgin and not someone like him who has had pre-marital sex. Without offending him?

Are we talking about a specific man here? Or just in general?

If it’s a specific man who is interested in you, but that you have found out is NOT a virgin, tell him as soon as possible so he doesn’t spend one more hour thinking you like him too. “I am sorry, X, I really like you as a friend, but it’s extremely important to me that my future husband has remained pure so that we are each other’s first intimate experience. I just can’t compromise on this issue.”

 

[George_Stegmeir]

All I can think of is the quote from a play (I am pretty sure it was called “A Good Woman”), “Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” We don’t know who the Lord has in store for us and I personally think it could be a mistake to automatically discount all people who are not virgins. I have a friend who is one of the best Catholics I know and such a good and wonderful man (he is my husband’s best friend) and he struggled a lot in the past with impurity (he used to be a Protestant, but converted a few years back). I know how much it would have crushed him if his current wife turned him down solely because of one aspect of his past. They are now happily married. Remember we all fall, but God can redeem us. You would be missing out on some really good men, but only you can decide what you can handle.

Right on!!!
Relax! Yes, maintain your moral standards. But allow nature to take its course. The harder you work at seeking a partner, the less liable you are of finding one. Don’t pre-judge anyone. What would you do if you asked a date if they were a virgin and they lied? How would you know? And what would happen if you married that person and found afterwards they weren’t a virgin?
I think you need to have a long discussion about this with your confessor.

 

[nida007]

Are we talking about a specific man here? Or just in general?

If it’s a specific man who is interested in you, but that you have found out is NOT a virgin, tell him as soon as possible so he doesn’t spend one more hour thinking you like him too. “I am sorry, X, I really like you as a friend, but it’s extremely important to me that my future husband has remained pure so that we are each other’s first intimate experience. I just can’t compromise on this issue.”

Yes it was a specific man who was interested in me but i just spoke my mind and told him politely what i want in a guy and he didnt like the fact i was judging him becuase he wasnt a virgin and I wanted to be someone who has been pure in his past…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The only thing that is important is that he has repented, and is living a chaste life now!!!

Unfortunately, that is NOT the only thing that is important. There can be many temporal effects of our past sins such as children, diseases, abortions, etc. People may not want to deal with such things and they should not have to, it is their choice.

 

[The_Bucket]

Unfortunately, that is NOT the only thing that is important. There can be many temporal effects of our past sins such as children, diseases, abortions, etc. People may not want to deal with such things and they should not have to, it is their choice.

I don’t think anyone is telling her that she’s morally obligated to change her mind on this. And obviously if there are more temporal concerns such as you listed, there’s ever the more reason to object.

Look, even though I dealt with sins of impurity, I wanted a virgin when I got married too. I ended up with one, but she certainly had more experience than I did when it came to dating. Kissed plenty of guys, had more long-term relationships, etc. If I found out that she had sex with one of those guys but regretted it, repented and understands what it means to value her chastity, would I have kept my stance? I sure hope not because she’s an unbelievable woman.

The OP has absolutely every right to keep whatever standards she pleases. I hope she does not judge these men as human beings for failing in their past, but if she just can’t deal with it emotionally then that’s perfectly alright. I’m just providing a word of caution since somewhere around 95% of all Americans have sex before and/or outside of marriage. Plenty of them are good people though.

 

[RyanBlack]

Yes it was a specific man who was interested in me but i just spoke my mind and told him politely what i want in a guy and he didnt like the fact i was judging him becuase he wasnt a virgin and I wanted to be someone who has been pure in his past…

Your standard is your standard, and everyone has their own non-negotiable issues. However, just keep a couple of things in mind. Being technically a virgin is not a guarantee of sexual purity. One can sin sexually and remain a virgin. Furthermore, you won’t find any adult who has a pure past. There is much more to purity than sexual purity.

 

[Chevaleresse]

“Don’t pre-judge anyone. What would you do if you asked a date if they were a virgin and they lied? How would you know? And what would happen if you married that person and found afterwards they weren’t a virgin?”

The marriage would be invalid. But you’re right - people who have premarital sex will often lie to cover it up. You know, sin leads to sin. I have no respect for people who lie about themselves in order to trick people in to marrying them.

“I’m just providing a word of caution since somewhere around 95% of all Americans have sex before and/or outside of marriage.”

But more men are virgins than women after 24ish so she actually has a pretty good chance of finding one (compared to a man).

"So, my best advice is: do not set rules like these. You simply do not now what is God’s will for you. Your discernment should follow a case by case analysis.

And perhaps you should rather explore the reasons that make you loath so much that particular sin commited in the past by a person who is repentant and received the Sacrament of Reconciliation (God forgave his sins and perhaps he is a better person today than he was before commiting those sins). Could your rigour hide pride, jealously, or anything else? It’s up to you to consider this."

Love the ad hominem towards the OP. “You have standards? Obviously there’s something wrong with you.”

“[a new] firm commitment to chastity”

Which is rarer than finding a virgin anyway.

“If God was able to set his sins as far from the East is from the West, why was I to not do the same?”

Because God is God and you’re not?

“Furthermore, you won’t find any adult who has a pure past.”

She could. They exist. Do you have any reason for discouraging her?

“There is much more to purity than sexual purity.”

Therefor change your standards?

I just love these threads. The replies are always:
“you can set your standards any way you want… but you shouldn’t set your standards any way you want.”

Or: “if you set your standards too high you’ll miss the person God intended for you” (which is pure sophistry, BTW).

Or: “if they’re a virgin, they’re just a time bomb waiting to detonate after you marry them”

Or: “St. Augustine”

Just face it everyone. Marrying a non-virgin is much riskier than marrying a virgin. I know some of you have a sexual past. But you have to take responsibility for it, not hide from it. Children try to cover up their mistakes because they aren’t mature enough to handle it. I know you’re reminded of your past mistakes and you realize that you’d be rejected by the OP and it bothers you. Give it up.

PS. forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=9931098&postcount=54

 

[TheRealJuliane]

'm just providing a word of caution since somewhere around 95% of all Americans have sex before and/or outside of marriage. Plenty of them are good people though.

The OP is in Pakistan.



I don’t know how common it is for men to be pure where she is. I wish her only the best.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes it was a specific man who was interested in me but i just spoke my mind and told him politely what i want in a guy and he didnt like the fact i was judging him becuase he wasnt a virgin and I wanted to be someone who has been pure in his past…

Well, it’s already a done deal, then. Of course he’s not going to appreciate your point of view. And as others have said, he could be a perfectly wonderful man, or he could be a jerk, or something in between. What is important is that YOU know what is a “deal-breaker” for you, and if your partner having sexual experiences in his past is your deal-breaker, then it is.