Chastity

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adricrimson

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I am in my mid-thirties and just started dating a kind and caring man (early 40s). I have never had sex and plan to remain chaste until my wedding. My friends refer to me as “The Last of the Mohicans”. This decision to remain chaste is a very important moral for me. I can honestly say it has defined a lot of decisions I’ve made and has saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartache.

The man I am dating is Catholic, but his faith is not as strong as mine. He is a humble man, is willing to go out of his way to help others, and always has a positive demeanor. He has been sexually active in the past (even living with someone at one point) and says he respects my decision to not have sex, but that it is difficult for him to understand at times. When I asked his viewpoints on this, he says that he has physical needs that must be met; that he is biologically wired this way. He is not pressuring me to have sex at all. He says that I set the boundaries and that he will do his best to respect them.

We talked a bit more about it last night and he said a few things that I’m not sure how to take. He said that right now, he doesn’t have a problem with waiting for me because he believes that in the long run, it will be worth it. But he is struggling with it. He also said that he would have no qualms about us being intimate if i suddenly changed my mind and said I was willing to do so. He said he was being totally honest about how he felt.

I told him that him saying this worried me. That if I wasn’t going to be sexually active with him, if he was going to start looking else where. He said he didn’t think he would. I also wonder if he’s with me because he loves me or is trying to sleep with me.

Its been bothering me all day. I want to talk to him further about this, but wish to do so respectfully and with tact. We have always spoken honestly and with respect towards one another so I don’t want to make it a confrontation, angry discussion.

I’d like to hear what you all think. Any advice about how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
 
adricrimson said:
I am in my mid-thirties and just started dating a kind and caring man (early 40s). I have never had sex and plan to remain chaste until my wedding. My friends refer to me as “The Last of the Mohicans”. This decision to remain chaste is a very important moral for me. I can honestly say it has defined a lot of decisions I’ve made and has saved me from a lot of unnecessary heartache.

The man I am dating is Catholic, but his faith is not as strong as mine. He is a humble man, is willing to go out of his way to help others, and always has a positive demeanor. He has been sexually active in the past (even living with someone at one point) and says he respects my decision to not have sex, but that it is difficult for him to understand at times. When I asked his viewpoints on this, he says that he has physical needs that must be met; that he is biologically wired this way. He is not pressuring me to have sex at all. He says that I set the boundaries and that he will do his best to respect them.

We talked a bit more about it last night and he said a few things that I’m not sure how to take. He said that right now, he doesn’t have a problem with waiting for me because he believes that in the long run, it will be worth it. But he is struggling with

it. He also said that he would have no qualms about us being intimate if i suddenly changed my mind and said I was willing to do so. He said he was being totally honest about how he felt.

I told him that him saying this worried me. That if I wasn’t going to be sexually active with him, if he was going to start looking else where. He said he didn’t think he would. I also wonder if he’s with me because he loves me or is trying to sleep with me.

Sorry about my negative reply but I have found Guys will say anything in order to have sex, because men are selfish, its all about them, not about you, plus its also a challenge to see can they have there way with you, how will you feel if you have sex with this guy who is not a good Catholic ie. When was the last time he was at confession, he says he needs it, so do we all but we don’t go out and demand, rape people to get our way,

Its been bothering me all day. I want to talk to him further about this, but wish to do so respectfully and with tact. We have always spoken honestly and with respect towards one another so I don’t want to make it a confrontation, angry discussion.

I’d like to hear what you all think. Any advice about how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
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Like most men its all about my needs and my wants, what about your needs and wants,
first of all ask him when was the last time he was at Confession, because what he is saying is not Church teaching or God’s way. I personally think you should re think this relationship again, don’t think if he is this selfish your going to find happiness, if he loved you and him being a Catholic of sorts should know sex before marriage is wrong.
My question for you is say you do cave in as you said you don’t want confrontation or angry discussion, and now you are a great challenge to him saying no, after having sex with you ups and leaves, how will you feel - used- and not believing any man again, the latter would be a shame as there are some and I mean some will respect your wishes as a Catholic if they are a good Catholic themselves, but he is not, so this relationship is doomed, what happens if he wants to use condoms etc will you take the same stand and say you don’t want him to be angry and confrontational . You have to stick to your ground as a Catholic who follows Church teachings and tell him to wake up and smell the coffee that you are not following him to hell, he can go there by himself. He is old enough to know better , than coming out with something like a teenager “I have my needs” how selfish, self serving, and un Catholic thing to say. Surely you saw the warning signs before now, I would have shown him a door with a big sign on saying “EXIT” long ago.
 
Personally, I would prefer to date a man that is following Church teaching, willingly, on his own. Then we would be more equally yolked, as scripture says, and we could walk hand in hand, together, as life partners. This is the kind of partner that will be your strength. This man is the kind of person that would day in and out, weaken your resolve to remain faithful to God. Removing one brick at a time, rather than building together with you.

There is a big red flag that he lived with a woman before, without being married. Unless he is saying that that is in his past and he very much regrets that decision, I would run.
 
Jesus needs to be first in the lives of both persons seeking marriage.
When their faith is strong this way, that is a recipe for a happy marriage.

I always remember the book written by Bishop Sheen…“Three to Get Married”.
 
Just one point I want to make and this is my opinion only. He has slept with other women before. So if he was frustrated by your decisions he would dump you and go off with someone else. The reason he is staying with you is because he loves you.
 
adricrimson said:
We talked a bit more about it last night and he said a few things that I’m not sure how to take. He said that right now, he doesn’t have a problem with waiting for me because he believes that in the long run, it will be worth it. But he is struggling with it. He also said that he would have no qualms about us being intimate if i suddenly changed my mind and said I was willing to do so. He said he was being totally honest about how he felt.

I told him that him saying this worried me. That if I wasn’t going to be sexually active with him, if he was going to start looking else where. He said he didn’t think he would. I also wonder if he’s with me because he loves me or is trying to sleep with me.

Its been bothering me all day. I want to talk to him further about this, but wish to do so respectfully and with tact. We have always spoken honestly and with respect towards one another so I don’t want to make it a confrontation, angry discussion.

I’d like to hear what you all think. Any advice about how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
Click to expand...
I think we can tie ourselves up in knots trying to understand another person and needing to know everything they think in order to control the situation.

It could be that subconsciously or consciously he is trying to make you doubt your high standards because you might ‘lose him’ by them. Don’t play that game.

You have something special and it really should be him that is worried about losing you, not the other way 'round. Be confident in the quality of your virtues. You are the one whose inner beauty and purity will make a lovely life and pathway to heaven for him, if he has the sense and integrity to come to meet you where you are. If not. His loss.
 
adricrimson said** : "I am in my mid-thirties and … I have never had sex, and plan to remain chaste until my wedding… This decision to remain chaste is a very important moral for me…

The man I am dating is Catholic… He is a humble man … and says he respects my decision to not have sex … He is not pressuring me to have sex at all. He says that I set [all of] the boundaries, and that he will do his best to respect them."**

This sounds PERFECT.
You are a Virgin … He says you can stay being a Virgin … and he doesn’t pressure you one way or the other. You are a Lucky Woman.

Then she makes a Problem, where there is NO Problem:
"He doesn’t have a problem with waiting for me … But he is struggling with it. He also said that he would have no qualms about us being intimate if i suddenly … said I was willing to do so… I told him that him saying this worried me. [so I gave him an Ultimatum] That if I wasn’t going to be sexually active with him, if he was going to start looking elsewhere."

OK, let’s get this situation straight.
  1. You want to remain a Virgin until after your Wedding Ceremony;
  2. He told you that it’s OK with him if you remain a Virgin;
  3. He has done NOTHING to pressure you to give up your Virginity;
  4. And, because he offers to Wait … you are worried that he will break up with you.
    Is that it?
Gee, I think you are drowning yourself in paranoia.
Unless you suspect that he is LYING to you, then why not just believe what he says?
I recommend that you stop KICKING your boy-friend in the Mouth for offering to respect your Wish to remain a Virgin.

If I was in his situation, I would think that you are secretly WANTING to have Sex, because after I said I don’t want any, you are talking it to Death.
There are many girls out there who have done this very same thing, wanting to have Sex.
So, you are probably confusing this man.

My recommendation : Stop talking about it.
 
Your friends call you “The Last of the Mohicans” because it makes them feel better about themselves. You intimidate them.

You honor your body. That makes you a minority, but not an obscurity.
 
4love2God said:
adricrimson said** : "I am in my mid-thirties and … I have never had sex, and plan to remain chaste until my wedding… This decision to remain chaste is a very important moral for me…

The man I am dating is Catholic… He is a humble man … and says he respects my decision to not have sex … He is not pressuring me to have sex at all. He says that I set [all of] the boundaries, and that he will do his best to respect them."**

This sounds PERFECT.
You are a Virgin … He says you can stay being a Virgin … and he doesn’t pressure you one way or the other. You are a Lucky Woman.

Then she makes a Problem, where there is NO Problem:
"He doesn’t have a problem with waiting for me … But he is struggling with it. He also said that he would have no qualms about us being intimate if i suddenly … said I was willing to do so… I told him that him saying this worried me. [so I gave him an Ultimatum] That if I wasn’t going to be sexually active with him, if he was going to start looking elsewhere."

OK, let’s get this situation straight.
  1. You want to remain a Virgin until after your Wedding Ceremony;
  2. He told you that it’s OK with him if you remain a Virgin;
  3. He has done NOTHING to pressure you to give up your Virginity;
  4. And, because he offers to Wait … you are worried that he will break up with you.
    Is that it?
Gee, I think you are drowning yourself in paranoia.
Unless you suspect that he is LYING to you, then why not just believe what he says?
I recommend that you stop KICKING your boy-friend in the Mouth for offering to respect your Wish to remain a Virgin.

If I was in his situation, I would think that you are secretly WANTING to have Sex, because after I said I don’t want any, you are talking it to Death.
There are many girls out there who have done this very same thing, wanting to have Sex.
So, you are probably confusing this man.

My recommendation : Stop talking about it.
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I just want to point out…There is a significant difference between someone who respects your beliefs and someone who actually shares them.
 
I just wanted to let you all know that the relationship ended this evening. He said that we were too different and that it was better to end things now.

I know that standing up for my values was the right thing to do, but I am just shocked that he ended it. I don’t know what to do right now except pray for him and that God touch his life.

Even though I know it was probably best that we part, it still doesn’t make the pain any less. Please pray for me that I heal and that the Lord show me the path to take.

Thank you all.
 
adricrimson said:
I just wanted to let you all know that the relationship ended this evening. He said that we were too different and that it was better to end things now.

I know that standing up for my values was the right thing to do, but I am just shocked that he ended it. I don’t know what to do right now except pray for him and that God touch his life.

Even though I know it was probably best that we part, it still doesn’t make the pain any less. Please pray for me that I heal and that the Lord show me the path to take.

Thank you all.
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Sorry to hear about that. I hope you can cope.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Excuse me? :eek:

You act like he has flippantly disregarded them, but the OP has specifically stated that he has not done so. He is honoring them.
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Yeah, this was a little :eek: for me, too.

To the OP: I think there’s a lot to be said for the fact that he is speaking openly and honestly about how he feels. I think that’s a big plus in his favor.
 
Celtic_Maiden said:
Like most men its all about my needs and my wants, what about your needs and wants,
first of all ask him when was the last time he was at Confession, because what he is saying is not Church teaching or God’s way. I personally think you should re think this relationship again, don’t think if he is this selfish your going to find happiness, if he loved you and him being a Catholic of sorts should know sex before marriage is wrong.
My question for you is say you do cave in as you said you don’t want confrontation or angry discussion, and now you are a great challenge to him saying no, after having sex with you ups and leaves, how will you feel - used- and not believing any man again, the latter would be a shame as there are some and I mean some will respect your wishes as a Catholic if they are a good Catholic themselves, but he is not, so this relationship is doomed, what happens if he wants to use condoms etc will you take the same stand and say you don’t want him to be angry and confrontational . You have to stick to your ground as a Catholic who follows Church teachings and tell him to wake up and smell the coffee that you are not following him to hell, he can go there by himself. He is old enough to know better , than coming out with something like a teenager “I have my needs” how selfish, self serving, and un Catholic thing to say. Surely you saw the warning signs before now, I would have shown him a door with a big sign on saying “EXIT” long ago.
Click to expand...
Very much resent your first line… as it is a broad and crash generalization and is in fact not true. Acknowledging the differences between men and women is just as important for women to do as it is for men. I think it is unfortunate that you would pollute any one else’s perspective with this sort of toxic statement.

Too bad, because you had other things to say that are helpful and true. Unfortunate that the remainder of your post is colored by the such blatant prejudice.
 
godisgood77 said:
Very much resent your first line… as it is a broad and crash generalization and is in fact not true. Acknowledging the differences between men and women is just as important for women to do as it is for men. I think it is unfortunate that you would pollute any one else’s perspective with this sort of toxic statement.

Too bad, because you had other things to say that are helpful and true. Unfortunate that the remainder of your post is colored by the such blatant prejudice.
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I would have to agree, respectfully. My husband is most often more concerned with my needs and wants than with his own. He endures long periods of abstinence due to NFP with grace and without complaining. He also gracefully goes without sex whenever I, for whatever reason, are not in the mood (whether it be due to not feeling well, being extremely tired, pregnancy, etc.) At the same time, he will gladly engage in relations if I wish to, even if he is tired, not feeling well, etc.

The OP’s situation involves only one man. Just because her boyfriend was behaving selfishly and disregarding chastity doesn’t mean all men do this - likewise, there are some women who, I am sure, behave selfishly and disregard chastity. I pray the OP finds a man who shares her values and puts her needs and wants before his own.
 
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