Chastity?

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Nowcatholic21

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Hello everyone. First of all I just want to announce that I was finally confirmed catholic last night!

Second of all, I have a tough question. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. As I have been praying and reading the bible and listening to the church teachings I am beginning to think that some if things we both have been doing is not very chaste. We’re both 21 and still in school, so marriage looks like it
Might be a few years away so it is very hard for us both. But I always pray for a holy marriage and holy family one day. How can I talk to her about this. What advice do you have? I don’t think she would take it very well so I’m nervous…

Thanks.
 
Congrats on getting confirmed! I was confirmed last night as well!

I’ve been exactly where you are. Here is my advice, follow Our Lord, He is leading you. Pray about it and just tell her how you feel. Stand your ground (she will respect that). Most importantly, be prepared to tell her why.

After almost 3 years of dating, my girlfriend (now fiancée) and I were not living chastely at all. She was a lapsed Catholic at the time, and would periodically make comments that she didn’t think we were living right by God’s eyes (she was right).

I started looking into the Church Christmas of 2012. I told her that I couldn’t keep on as we were. She agreed. Well, then things got hard. We fought about it a lot for about two months. I stood my ground on the issue. Then, we got through it and it wasn’t a big deal anymore. We both wanted to be chaste and we did it. She went to confession and I went when I was received into the church. We had to break out of a cycle of serious sin but God has so richly blessed us now.

We are now long distance. A few months ago, I told her that even though we’d been completely chaste for over a year, I no longer thought it was ok for us to sleep in the same bed when I’d come to visit. She talked to her Priest about it. He said it might not be a near occasion to sin for us, given that we were so committed to chastity and the unique situation. I still told her I felt it was wrong (scandal, etc). She loves me and she was willing to go along with this for me even though she thought I was probably overacting. I now stay elsewhere when I visit.

In our culture chastity is made out to be impossible. Once you try it, you realize it is hard but it makes you appreciate marriage so much more. All of a sudden, all the Church’s teachings on sexuality make sense. Our relationship has completely taken off since we’ve brought God into it. We are closer than ever and so excited about the big day (May 24!).

Bottom line, tell her how you feel and why. It will be hard. But, if she is right for you, the two of you will adjust and I promise it will change your life for the better. Once you start down this road, constant prayer is required. You will need Our Lord’s help to stay strong.
 
Well, I’m not sure exactly how to tell her, but I highly recommend that you pray about this. Also pray to both of your guardian angels as well. You mention that she might not take it well, which slightly concerns me. This indicates to me that she may not take God seriously(maybe she does for all I know). Anyways, you honestly should not date people that do not take religion seriously. Is this the girl that you want to be the mother of your children? If she is genuinely Christian, than I think that she should understand your concerns. If she is mad at you than that indicates that she does not respect you. If you cannot imagine realistically living your Catholic faith with her than you should not date her.
 
You’re in a tough situation. But I hope that you will choose God in all things, because everything chosen that is not God will lead to death (I know that sounds extreme… but it is true. “There is a way that seems good to a man, but its end is the way of death.” God is the ultimate good and that which is contrary to his will (i.e. sin) will always turn us towards spiritual death)

I hope that your girlfriend is respectful of your religious choices. You’ll have to not live with her, and spending time alone with her in a private place is not a prudent decision. I lived that lifestyle for years before returning to the faith. I was happy, yeah… but it’s empty. I wouldn’t go back.

You can also pick up a green scapular and ask her to wear it or keep it in her bedroom. All you must do (at minimum) is have faith in Our Lady and pray each day “Immaculate heart of Mary, pray for us, now and at the hour of our death.”

greenscapular.com/
 
Oh please fight away your fears and talk to her about it. I was so scared several times broaching the topic of certain vices with my then-boyfriend, and he surprised me with how well he took it.

I know that it can be so hard, but please have courage, and stay strong in your conviction. This feeling that it’s wrong didn’t just come out of nowhere. God is trying to guide both of you back to him.

You’re in my prayers
 
Nowcatholic21 said:
Hello everyone. First of all I just want to announce that I was finally confirmed catholic last night!

Second of all, I have a tough question. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. As I have been praying and reading the bible and listening to the church teachings I am beginning to think that some if things we both have been doing is not very chaste. We’re both 21 and still in school, so marriage looks like it
Might be a few years away so it is very hard for us both. But I always pray for a holy marriage and holy family one day. How can I talk to her about this. What advice do you have? I don’t think she would take it very well so I’m nervous…

Thanks.
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At this moment, the best thing to do to maintain chasity is not to put yourselves in situations where there is opportunity to go beyond what you should. In other words, don’t go into situations where you are both alone and have extended time on your hands and opportunity to have sex or try to. If you are in the habit of going to each other places and are alone, don’t do that any more. Start spending time together in more public places such as parks, restaurants, libraries etc. You can pray all you want but until you make some consicious efforts to make better choices about where and when your guys are together that isn’t going to leave room to have opportunity to be tempted and act on it, then all your prayers are for not. Whether you are meant to be married or not, just start making choices now that will avoid sin and temptations that will lead to life long regret.
 
I keep meditating on the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit and how through them I will have the strength to bring up the topic to her.
 
My difficulty in discussing such things is trying not to get drawn into a nasty dialogue, or one where I sound like I’m talking down to someone else. I don’t think we ought to create gaps between one another, if we are all sons and daughters of the Most High, but to heal those broken relationships.

That being said, maintain your ground, just try to do so without getting involved in an argument if possible.
 
OP, perhaps you are being too subtle for me. You said: “I am beginning to think that some [of the] things we both have been doing is not very chaste.”

Some folks get anxious that holding hands or kissing is not chaste. Is that where you’re at? I did not get the impression you were sleeping together? Are you sure there is a problem at all?
 
I’m not saying intercourse. But there were things close to it…
 
Nowcatholic21 said:
I’m not saying intercourse. But there were things close to it…
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reread my post #6 and stop putting yourselves in situations where this can happen which is being alone and isolated where there is opportunity. It is that simple. You are going to have to be disciplined and make a conscious choice which is not to be alone where one can “get close” to having sex. One of these times, it will go all the way so now that your conscious is bothering you, act on it and stop putting yourself and her in tempting spots to make out.
 
I talked to her. We are going to try our best to avoid occasions of being unchaste. She is suprised and was kind of upset. But I told her that we must give this over to Gods hands and he will bless our faith, relationship, and future marriage. I’m terrified though and I ask for prayers that we can keep this up because it is truly right and just. Like I’m frightened but so thankful that God gave me strength to being this up.
 
Nowcatholic21 said:
I talked to her. We are going to try our best to avoid occasions of being unchaste. She is suprised and was kind of upset. But I told her that we must give this over to Gods hands and he will bless our faith, relationship, and future marriage. I’m terrified though and I ask for prayers that we can keep this up because it is truly right and just. Like I’m frightened but so thankful that God gave me strength to being this up.
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Taking that countercultural leap of faith is hard but stay strong. Don’t compromise. Remember, you are not alone! I was there. God is with you. I will pray for you.

JMR
 
Nowcatholic21 said:
I talked to her. We are going to try our best to avoid occasions of being unchaste. She is suprised and was kind of upset. But I told her that we must give this over to Gods hands and he will bless our faith, relationship, and future marriage. I’m terrified though and I ask for prayers that we can keep this up because it is truly right and just. Like I’m frightened but so thankful that God gave me strength to being this up.
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Why are you terrified?
 
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