Cheater?

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shatteredheart

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I have been married for 20 yrs this coming September. I always had suspicions of my husband but did not want to believe it. Last year I found several calls to escort services and questioned to him about it. He stated he didn’t know that those numbers belonged to escorts and that he was just calling random numbers for a prank. I stayed upset for a few weeks and brought it up everyday reminding him of what he did. I went to my church and prayed and cried. I was devastated and my kids were watching me cry everyday. I decided to give him an ultimatum and told him that he if ever called those numbers again I would be gone. He said he would never. This year I found numbers again. He has called escorts as well as t/s. I was shocked. I have been crying and I am ready to leave. He swears they are just phone calls but my heart tells me otherwise. We have not spoke or been intimate in 4 months I just can’t bring myself to even look at him. I need advice to make sure that I am planning on doing the right thing for my children and myself.
 
Please seek a good therapist- both as an individual, and as a couple if your husband is willing.
 
Thank you for your response. He will not go and says we can get through it. I don’t think I want to get help. I do not believe or trust him anymore.
 
shatteredheart said:
Thank you for your response. He will not go and says we can get through it. I don’t think I want to get help. I do not believe or trust him anymore.
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You don’t want to get help? You need help regardless of whether you stick around or leave. You’re dealing with a trauma and you for sure need it.

I’m not the kind of person who typically provides advice… but I can relate my own story. I’ve been in recovery for pornography addiction for almost two years now. But I didn’t actually get into recovery until I was forced. Not by an ultimatum. Not by anything said. But by flat-out discovery to the point where a lie would literally deny reality. As in, my wife went through the laptop with deep scanning software and found all the stuff I had deleted, all the ways I covered my tracks and all the links I went to over months and years. There’s no plausible or even slightly implausible explanation for that.

And even then I was hesitant. I just wanted to fight through it and make promises and all that. It took her literally leaving for a couple of weeks in order for me to get into a program. And I don’t mean her saying “I’m going, I’ll see you maybe someday.” I mean she was home when I went to work and by the time I got back, she and the kids were already 7 hours down the road and left nothing but a note and her rings. That kind of thing really makes you choose.
 
Thank you for responding. He swears up and down that they were just phone calls but I really find that hard to believe. I also found an open empty condom wrapper in the car 2 yrs ago when we started to build our custom brand new home and he swore that it wasn’t his either
 
shatteredheart said:
Thank you for responding. He swears up and down that they were just phone calls but I really find that hard to believe. I also found an open empty condom wrapper in the car 2 yrs ago when we started to build our custom brand new home and he swore that it wasn’t his either
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I constantly lied about my addiction… mostly through lies of omission. I just deflected questions about whether I was watching porn or masturbating or whatnot. And even if potentially caught I would just admit to the “least bad” thing possible. Or just not confess the extent of what I did.

Again, I’m not going to speculate about your situation. Or give advice. I can’t. I just can’t. But I can tell you that a universal theme for sex addicts is that we lie. We lie all the time. If we’re not actively recovering, you can bet that we are lying about something. Could be trivial. Could be not. But lying is like second nature to addicts of all stripes. Sometimes I’d lie about stuff that had nothing to do with my addiction. Trivial stuff like had I seen this movie or did I get the clothes out of the washer. Anything where I thought a lie could make me look better or cooler or smarter… it was automatic.
 
I am so sorry for your pain & suffering. My heart goes out to you. I’m sure some of the ladies here can offer solid advice. For my part I will petition Our Lady of Good Success on your behalf during my daily novena.
 
shatteredheart said:
Are you back with your wife?
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She came back after two weeks. We have since had a third child. Our marriage is not “better than ever” or anything crazy like that. But I think we would both say it is halfway decent at least.

She is still hurt. She still has anxiety. To be honest, I don’t think she has done a good job in trying to deal with the trauma.

I take 100% responsibility for causing the emotional injury, but I can’t “fix” her, you know? That’s up to her. That sucks so bad because I did the damage but I can’t undo anything or even really help her heal. She has to pull double duty in terms of getting hurt and trying to repair herself. There’s jack I can do on that front.

But can honestly say that I am a better man than I was on our wedding day. And I was not active in my addiction back then either. I know that’s not much comfort to her or to you, but it does propel me further in my recovery. I know that she has a better man than she did on day one. And quite frankly, given the amount I hurt her, she deserves a better man than I was on day one.
 
That was really beautiful. I commend you for what you have achieved and I am sure she loves you for finally admitting to your problem and getting the help that you needed. I don’t know what I want to do I have just emotionally shut down on him and I keep putting him down and telling him not to touch me or look at me. He has tried to talk and bought flowers and calls but I disregard it all. In my mind he cheated. I was fine with him watching looking at porn it is the calling that I disapprove of the actual reality not the fantasy
 
shatteredheart said:
That was really beautiful. I commend you for what you have achieved and I am sure she loves you for finally admitting to your problem and getting the help that you needed. I don’t know what I want to do I have just emotionally shut down on him and I keep putting him down and telling him not to touch me or look at me. He has tried to talk and bought flowers and calls but I disregard it all. In my mind he cheated. I was fine with him watching looking at porn it is the calling that I disapprove of the actual reality not the fantasy
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I thank you for those kind words, but please do not commend me for anything. I didn’t “get help” or “admit the problem.” I was forced into it.

And I am most certainly not perfect in terms of my struggle with impurity. You can be “sober” from hardcore porn and masturbation and still engage in all kinds of other stuff in your head and on a screen.
 
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Rather than going to marriage counseling, would you consider individual counseling?

Well, when in a situation like this, you might need to vent. This would be to a neutral person, in confidence, who has probably had a lot of experience with matters like this, knows community resources.

Some health insurance will cover a few counseling sessions. You can try to work with the counselor to come up with some options and a plan.
 
I have spoke to someone who is neutral and has had psychiatric courses as well as counseling aids/hiv patients and he listens to me. He is Catholic and says that I need to file for divorce.
 
Am I correct in understanding that your husband has been calling escort services (i.e. prostitutes) and you believe he has been meeting them for sex, yet he denies calling them on purpose and insists that the dialing of those numbers was an accident, and that during this same time period, you found a used condom wrapper on the floor of his car, and he denies any knowledge of how it got there???:eek:
I don’t see how there could be any other conclusion but he is meeting prostitutes for sex and lying to you. Have you gotten tested for STDs? How long have you been married? Do you suspect that he has always been doing this and only recently got careless enough to get caught?
This is a horrible betrayal. I am so sorry.😦

Edited to add: I just saw you said you have been married for 20 years.

What is t/s?
 
thank you momaree. A t/s is a transsexual. He has made many calls to those as well. Yes I found a condom wrapper 2 yrs ago and he swore it wasn’t his ln 2007 I was diagnosed with hpv and he swore he was not cheating my gyn told me someone had to go out of the marriage but he persuaded me and made me believe him and of course being in total bliss and being married I believed and trusted him
 
It is a horrible betrayal. I feel so strongly to file for divorce. I am embarrassed to go to my priest here at my parish and discuss.
 
shatteredheart said:
thank you momaree. A t/s is a transsexual. He has made many calls to those as well. Yes I found a condom wrapper 2 yrs ago and he swore it wasn’t his ln 2007 I was diagnosed with hpv and he swore he was not cheating my gyn told me someone had to go out of the marriage but he persuaded me and made me believe him and of course being in total bliss and being married I believed and trusted him
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Oh my gosh! He has been cheating and lying to you for years. I completely agree with your neural advisor, who said you need to divorce him. This is scary. Please protect yourself and get help making plans if and when you do leave.
 
shatteredheart said:
It is a horrible betrayal. I feel so strongly to file for divorce. I am embarrassed to go to my priest here at my parish and discuss.
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No, please don’t be embarrassed. Your priest is likely to be one of your greatest allies in this. He can counsel you and help you navigate this crisis in a way that ministers to your spiritual needs and eases your conscience about the tough decisions you must make.
 
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