Cheater?

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Maybe a good thing to do is check when these phone calls were made to the escorts. Find out in some way how much they charge for their services. Then check bank statements to see if said amounts went out of your account after the phone calls to these escorts were made. I would say in the 24 hours the escorts were called.
Prayers your way.
 
shatteredheart said:
I have been married for 20 yrs this coming September. I always had suspicions of my husband but did not want to believe it. Last year I found several calls to escort services and questioned to him about it. He stated he didn’t know that those numbers belonged to escorts and that he was just calling random numbers for a prank. I stayed upset for a few weeks and brought it up everyday reminding him of what he did. I went to my church and prayed and cried. I was devastated and my kids were watching me cry everyday. I decided to give him an ultimatum and told him that he if ever called those numbers again I would be gone. He said he would never. This year I found numbers again. He has called escorts as well as t/s. I was shocked. I have been crying and I am ready to leave. He swears they are just phone calls but my heart tells me otherwise. We have not spoke or been intimate in 4 months I just can’t bring myself to even look at him. I need advice to make sure that I am planning on doing the right thing for my children and myself.
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Have you discussed this with your Parish Priest? He will be able to advise you in the right direction. Does your Parish offer marriage encounter services?
 
Thank you acai. He always carries large amounts of cash he rarely uses credit cards or statements
 
Thank you tawny. I am embarrassed to talk to our priest because of the escort calls and the t/s calls. The more I read the posts on here and discuss my feelings the more the picture is clear that I need to divorce him.
 
This is the man I thought I would grow old and die happy with
 
shatteredheart I am so, so sorry for the choices your husband has made. If you feel uncomfortable in speaking to your priest, perhaps speak to a priest in a neighboring parish.
 
Thank you emerald I have thought about doing that my neutral advocate has told me to do that as well but has also told me to expect the priest to be very harsh about the choices my husband has made
 
shatteredheart:
I can’t imagine what you must be going through. But as other posters have said, I strongly, strongly urge you to seek spiritual help - you can’t handle this on your own. I can’t think of a greater betrayal. Your husband is a very sick man and in desperate need of help. Just remember that this is his problem - you are not in any way to blame. You need to protect yourself - both physical and emotionally. If he had truly repented of his deeds, confessed everything, and resolved to sin no more, then, by the grace of Christ, perhaps you would be able to heal the breach and move forward…but as long as he is in denial, you need to protect yourself. God is bigger than this and is with you. Pray to Our Lady - pray the Rosary every day. Go to mass frequently.
 
twf thank you. I am so hurt inside. When it happened last year I was going to church and staying right by Mary and holding her hands and asked her to help me. This year I do not feel to go to church. I feel so saddened by what has happened. I went to church on Ash Wednesday and have not been back since. I do not want to go to church with him. I do not want to hear his lies anymore.
 
Is This the first time you have Posted this thread ?
Just Curious …
 
I just want to reinforce and expand on some things that Bucket said:

Your husband is a sex addict. He is not capable of choosing to stop. Let me say that again: he is not capable of choosing to stop.

At least not on his own. I imagine he has periods of abstinence and periods where he says to himself that everything is changing now, but he has longer periods where he feels completely powerless to change and when he falls back on his drug of choice. It is the way he deals with pain. Whenever thoughts of how much he has hurt you and your children come to his mind, it hurts him deeply, and it makes him want to do experience sexual pleasure, because that will make the pain go away.

Whatever else you feel about this man, he deserves your pity. Of course, he has played a huge role in putting himself in this mess. But it probably started with him being hurt somehow by someone else. There is probably a childhood pain that put him into this spiral somehow. God can heal that pain, and God can lift him out of this mire. You can’t. So that means you’re pretty powerless too. 😦

Over him, at least. But God’s attention is firmly fixed on you, and He wants to see you through this. Even though your husband has forsaken you, God will not forsake you.

You made a comment about not having a problem with him using pornography. But you need to see that this is where porn leads. It makes a person curious. It breaks down barriers. Sight and sound is not enough; it makes you want touch. Pornography is completely and utterly worthless and harmful. I know. My own life has been torn apart by it in a thousand ways.

A word about your shame, too: you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. The shame is a lie from the devil. Bring your shame to your Father in Heaven, and He will free you from it – not all at once, but over time.

I don’t know what to recommend you do in the short term, but I wouldn’t recommend a hasty divorce. A hasty separation sounds reasonable – though I would recommend you try to talk to him about his powerlessness and addiction first. He just might open up, if you come to him with a willingness to listen and accept him where he is.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Your husband is a sex addict. He is not capable of choosing to stop. Let me say that again: he is not capable of choosing to stop.
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I hesitate to draw firm conclusions about anyone else other than myself… but I can definitely say that I have heard the other side of your story shatteredheart. Many times. Many, many times. Every new person that comes to an S-group meeting has a similar tale. The degree of the behavior is different. Some folks it’s “just porn” (albeit compulsive use of it). Others it’s numerous affairs. Others it’s prostitutes. Others it’s cross-dressing and public exposure. And yes, there have been some folks who come in post-arrest for really horrible things.

Very rarely does someone stop because he or she, on his or her own, has a moment of clarity. It does happen, but it’s exceedingly rare. Far more common is that the behavior spirals, spirals, spirals and results in loss of job, loss of family, loss of freedom (via arrest) or actual injury. As in, someone was engaging in risky sexual behavior and was physically injured through disease or assault. Or both.
Whenever thoughts of how much he has hurt you and your children come to his mind, it hurts him deeply, and it makes him want to do experience sexual pleasure, because that will make the pain go away.
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This. Anytime I feel hurt, my mind immediately goes to sex. Even now. That’s not normal. My mind isn’t going to sex because of the good desire to be with a spouse. It goes there because I want to numb the pain or feel immediate reassurance that I’m loved. It’s messed up and much in the same way someone reaches for a bottle or pills or drugs to feel like all is well in the universe. I’ve learned how to recognize this pattern and curtail it before it spirals, but it requires conscious effort on my part.
Whatever else you feel about this man, he deserves your pity. Of course, he has played a huge role in putting himself in this mess. But it probably started with him being hurt somehow by someone else. There is probably a childhood pain that put him into this spiral somehow. God can heal that pain, and God can lift him out of this mire. You can’t. So that means you’re pretty powerless too. 😦
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Yep. In my case, it was the pain of knowing that my father was a sex addict, that his irresponsibility and sin first exposed me to pornography… and knowing that there was something seriously messed up in my parents’ marriage. And then it was the pain of assuming I was a total failure the very first time I acted out after becoming a husband and father. I just decided there was no hope after the first time and figured I might as well keep going.

But one can still pity someone and protect him/herself from the injurious behavior.
A word about your shame, too: you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. The shame is a lie from the devil. Bring your shame to your Father in Heaven, and He will free you from it – not all at once, but over time.
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Indeed. And someday, hopefully, the OP’s husband will bring HIS shame to the Lord and be done with it. Shame only serves to keep us away from what we need… God’s forgiveness and grace.
I don’t know what to recommend you do in the short term, but I wouldn’t recommend a hasty divorce. A hasty separation sounds reasonable – though I would recommend you try to talk to him about his powerlessness and addiction first. He just might open up, if you come to him with a willingness to listen and accept him where he is.
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I can’t make a recommendation in any direction. Especially not divorce. That’s not to say that there isn’t valid reason here. There is. I just don’t like to suggest anything like that. But I can say that my wife literally packing up and leaving without a word of warning was the thing that caused me to hit bottom and start recovery. Regardless of the final decision on divorce or not, there’s a strong argument to be made that something has to be done and has to be done now to help both parties.
 
IMO if your husband really wanted to work it out the first thing he would do is get professional help to prove it to you and himself. If he’s not willing to do that, God help him.
 
Thank you all for the sound advice. I do believe that he is addicted. I can definitely see that. I do have pity for him and I love him as a person because he does have good qualities about him, He has provided for my children and myself and we are financially sound He has always worked and I was home to take care of the children and raise them. I do not hate him but I don’t think I can ever “love” him again. I do want to offer my help to him but I know he will deny. He is in the “hate” mode at me right now and he even told my children just the other day that I don’t love them because if I was a true mother that loved them I would not destroy our family but bothering him about his phone calls. My children are teenagers and understand that what he Is done. They love their father and I do not put him down to them and I constantly tell them to call him and see what he is up to as we are not on speaking terms. I wish he could find it in him to admit to his actions. I called a therapist today and she advised me that this is a very disturbing subject but also very common. She suggested divorce and of course abstinence and testing.
 
I don’t have anything to offer, but want to say I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Yours is the worst kind of betrayal, as you are a complete victim in all of this.
 
std(s) and hit are the first thing I would think about. You need to protect yourself and your children (from their father bad-mouthing their mother and from the pain of a sex-addicted father)
 
Brigid34 said:
std(s) and hit are the first thing I would think about. You need to protect yourself and your children (from their father bad-mouthing their mother and from the pain of a sex-addicted father)
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Code: 
Well.... yes....   STD's are a major concern,,,,
Like drunks drink out of the same bottle… yuk …
 
shatteredheart said:
I have spoke to someone who is neutral and has had psychiatric courses as well as counseling aids/hiv patients and he listens to me. He is Catholic and says that I need to file for divorce.
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This is hardly good advice from someone that says he is Catholic, or professional from someone that does counseling. He doesn’t sound too neutral.

I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be hard to trust him about anything he says. Please, get counseling for yourself if he won’t go, and get counseling for yourself even if he does go sometime. You need someone to listen to you and help you decide on your own what to do, not tell you what they think you should do.

If you are thinking it might not work out without counseling, I would give your husband an ultimatum about going to counseling. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain if that is what you want.
 
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