Cheater?

[Bklynguy]

This is hardly good advice from someone that says he is Catholic, or professional from someone that does counseling. He doesn’t sound too neutral.

I completely agree with this. I would find another marriage counselor, and give the husband an ultimatum to attend counseling.

 

[LongingSoul]

I was fine with him watching looking at porn it is the calling that I disapprove of the actual reality not the fantasy

shatteredheart, you are in a place where doing some self work with a therapist could really help you discern the right direction for you. It is not normal to be fine with your husband watching porn. He disrespects you shamefully in doing that and perhaps your low sense of self worth has given him permission that he should never have had in the first place.

I hope you can find resolution to the turmoil you are experiencing quickly.

God bless.

 

[lola5555]

I’m so very sorry for what’s going on.

I’ve done a lot of work dealing with STD’s and related health issues. It is imperative that you are tested for all STD’s, including HIV and HEP B/C. Your husband has been sleeping with very high-risk populations and condoms are not 100% effective even when used perfectly (which many people do not do). Depending on how far back this goes, your children may also need to be tested-- many of these diseases can lie dormant, especially strains of Hepatitis. I’m not trying to scare you, but it does need to be addressed in a timely manner for your safety and your children’s.

 

[Galbin]

shatteredheart, you are in a place where doing some self work with a therapist could really help you discern the right direction for you. **It is not normal to be fine with your husband watching porn. He disrespects you shamefully in doing that **and perhaps your low sense of self worth has given him permission that he should never have had in the first place.

This. I have known so many secular women whose hearts have been broken in two because they ‘let’ their husbands/boyfriends watch porn or go to strip clubs. I think women are made to feel like they are “so backward” and “so repressed” if they get jealous over their husbands’ watching porn. I had a bf before who I suspected watched porn, but I could never prove it. After being with my husband I now see that my ex very likely was into porn. It warps people’s mind and takes away the intimacy of the sexual relationship that should be between two people, not two people and the myriad of caricatures in porn. Sad…

 

[Irishmom2]

This. I have known so many secular women whose hearts have been broken in two because they ‘let’ their husbands/boyfriends watch porn or go to strip clubs. I think women are made to feel like they are “so backward” and “so repressed” if they get jealous over their husbands’ watching porn. I had a bf before who I suspected watched porn, but I could never prove it. After being with my husband I now see that my ex very likely was into porn. It warps people’s mind and takes away the intimacy of the sexual relationship that should be between two people, not two people and the myriad of caricatures in pron. Sad…

Excellent post. Any men reading this who can’t see why it is a big deal might get it if they read this.

 

[shatteredheart]

To clarify, he watched porn way before I met him. I knew he was active sexually before me. When I complained about him watching it, it would become a fight so I learned to deal with it. If that was the worst thing I had to put up with then that’s what I did. Over the years I just accepted it because there was nothing I could do about it. We can’t always make the person we love perfect but we accept their flaws.

As far as my neutral confidant he is Catholic and is a very spiritual person. He is just shocked of the choices my husband has made and his denial. He said that if my husband has a problem or an addiction with “sex” then when he called after I gave him the ultimatum he would have confided and told how he did something wrong and that he was sorry. My husband has denied everything. He even told me one time that he didn’t know the number he was calling was for an escort. I have heard every excuse in the book and I have closed my eyes for my family and tried to keep us together. Everyone has a “last straw” though a tolerance that they cant be pushed past.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

To clarify, he watched porn way before I met him. I knew he was active sexually before me. When I complained about him watching it, it would become a fight so I learned to deal with it. If that was the worst thing I had to put up with then that’s what I did. Over the years I just accepted it because there was nothing I could do about it. We can’t always make the person we love perfect but we accept their flaws.

A few things:

We shouldn’t accept their flaws. We should accept that they have flaws. There is a big difference.

Using pornography is, Scripturally, adultery – since it involves looking at people lustfully.

When you marry someone and accept their sinful actions, it sets a bad precedent. Your husband probably can’t see the difference between porn and seeing actual women – both experiences are just about sexual satisfaction, and he feels entitled to that satisfaction.

As far as my neutral confidant he is Catholic and is a very spiritual person. He is just shocked of the choices my husband has made and his denial. He said that if my husband has a problem or an addiction with “sex” then when he called after I gave him the ultimatum he would have confided and told how he did something wrong and that he was sorry. My husband has denied everything.

Your neutral confidant doesn’t know addicts very well. If an addict wants to protect his access to his “fix” he will do just about anything to do that. Being honest with you presents an obstacle to his access. Right now, he is the kind of addict that doesn’t want to be free. That doesn’t make him evil, though; it just means he’s at a particularly nasty part of the addictive cycle.

I think it’s probably a good idea to separate, for now. But realize that there is hope for your husband, and that (most likely) your husband really wants to be a decent husband to you – he’s just so far mired in sin that even thinking about how much he’s hurting you is too painful to do, and so he goes back to his drug.

 

[The_Bucket]

Your neutral confidant doesn’t know addicts very well. ** If an addict wants to protect his access to his “fix” he will do just about anything to do that.** Being honest with you presents an obstacle to his access. Right now, he is the kind of addict that doesn’t want to be free. That doesn’t make him evil, though; it just means he’s at a particularly nasty part of the addictive cycle.

Quite right. An addict will admit his problem only when he realizes that he cannot stop or keep going. Basically, the idea of continuing in the addiction appears to be crazy, but stopping appears equally as crazy. That’s when you hit the “turning point” that all 12-step programs talk about in the “How It Works” segment of every meeting.

I think it’s probably a good idea to separate, for now. But realize that there is hope for your husband, and that (most likely) your husband really wants to be a decent husband to you – he’s just so far mired in sin that even thinking about how much he’s hurting you is too painful to do, and so he goes back to his drug.

Deep down, the vast majority of us want to be good people. Actual mental disease like psychopathy is pretty much the only reason that some folks don’t want or care about being good people. But yeah, sin can keep us from being good people so we give up on ourselves, lash out at everyone around us, blame others… even and ESPECIALLY when we know that it’s our own fault.

 

[Irishmom2]

Deep down, the vast majority of us want to be good people. Actual mental disease like psychopathy is pretty much the only reason that some folks don’t want or care about being good people. But yeah, sin can keep us from being good people so we give up on ourselves, lash out at everyone around us, blame others… even and ESPECIALLY when we know that it’s our own fault.

Excellent, insightful point.