Hello All.
I’m sorry, Truthseeker, with all due respect, I’m not buying some of what you were told. Some observations, from a guy, and a happily married one at that:
Let me start by saying that as Christians we must forgive others.
But as future fathers and husbands we are not to be doormats. Fathers & husbands have duties to protect, and nurture, those we care about, and “having dinner with the man who cheated with your fiancee” is, IMHO, an abrogation of those duties. I’m a Catholic man, sure – but woe to any man who tries to seduce my wife! Dinner? He’d get a shellacking, man, or at least he’d fear getting one!
With that in mind…
“First, in regards to her being attracted to me, she meant I’m not what the typical woman would describe as “drop dead sexy”, but in her eyes I am “everything she could hope for in a spouse” (physically, mentally, and spiritually).”
-But, see, the thing is, she made out with another guy while wearing a ring you gave her. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder. Do her actions sound like she thinks you are “all she could hope for?” Dude…not to hurt you but…you weren’t all she could hope for for one night, let alone her whole life.
“…I am sexy to her. She says she is definitely physically attracted to me and she was truly sorry that she gave me the wrong impression with her comment. (I asked about this before anything else so she didn’t know I was considering breaking it off at this point).”
–And she proves this by making out with someone else…then saying, conveniently, she now doesn’t want to make out with you? Problem is, her actions, and her past words, are in conflict with what she’s saying now.
"Second, I told her that I did not feel it was appropriate for her to see this guy anymore. Despite already being friends with him, she agreed that it would not be right for them to hang out any longer. However, due to extenuating circumstances, she would have to see him because he’s in her group for their final project (its a 4-5 person group, and it’s worth most of her grade) and they usually meet at the library for it. She also agreed never to be one on one with him for any reason. After this semester ends, she told me that she agrees never to see him again.
–No, she didn’t agree, because she only agreed after the “extenuating circumstances” end. What happens when “extenuating circumstances” occur again? What happens when, after the semester ends, he begs her to see his dying grandmother…then needs a shoulder to cry on…alone, of course,…and, that, to him, is an “extenuating circumstance.?” Now you’ve set a pattern: She can see him, as long as there are extenuating circumstances…whatever that means…
–Final project? For what? It sounds like one class, not a PhD dissertation. Ask her to drop the class…or take an incomplete…or tell the prof due to a personal problem she needs some help getting around the project. Better yet, she should offer this, without asking. All I hear is, she’s still empowered to see him ‘ocasionally.’
“She also explained that in regards to finding other guys attractive, its more of a ‘oh he’s cute’, or ‘he’s got nice biceps’. But she made it clear that it doesn’t go beyond that.”
–Uh, no, the problem is, it did go beyond that, and it went about as far beyond that as possible, a few months before your marriage. Once again - her words are contradictory to what happened.
"Fourth, before I could address the issue of performing sexual acts, she brought it up. She said that she had prayed and thought about it since our last discussion/occurance togerther and that we shouldn’t be doing those things. It was still wrong despite what we may have thought at the time and if we truly wanted to save ourselves for marriage and rebuild our relationship the correct way, we shouldn’t be doing such acts (she took the words outta my mouth).
–I have a major problem with this, for maybe an odd reason: When I was engaged I always wanted to …uh…maybe I could say, “give in to temptation with my then fiancee?” I did not give in – but I admit it, I wanted to! The problem is that when I read what your fiancee said, it sounds like she is making excuses because she doesn’t feel temptation…which just means she finds you unattractive…just like she said earlier. She cheated on you, but seems to be cutely saying she doesn’t really want to do these things with you. What she really should have said was, “I was wrong to cheat, all the more so because all those things I really, really can’t wait to do with you after we’re married!”
“Fifth, we’ve both agreed to put our wedding plans on hold for now.”
-Smart. Very smart.
“We’re going to focus only on working on our relationship together and trying to reestablish trust and faithfulness before we commit to something as holy and as serious as marriage.”
–But how? By taking her back and buying essentially very thing she said 100%, because she’s the only lady you have a bond with? As I said, talk is cheap.
TS, you sound like a good guy. I’m really, really sorry if I come across as harsh, but, with due respect, talk is cheap, and your fiancee’ talk is at odds with a large amount of prior actions.
I will, of course, pray for you.
–VdT
