Cheating husband

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for posting. My relationship therapyst has backed up the fact that these meds can cause us to do crazy stuff. They can block our feelings. matter of fact this is what they are suppose to do. They block sadness and depression but they also block our Love and desire to be honest and loyal. These meds numb all emotions, they work differantly on differant people. My husband and I have had some serious discussions about how he was feeling then Vs now. He said that back then, he loved us all very much, but said he could not seem to feel it. He felt unloved himself. This is odd as we are a family that does most everything together. Our children have the " cool parents on the block" and all the teenage friends hang out with us. We have always been very connected soul mates…and my husband never went without " love" in the bedroom.
he also said the friend who was pushing this stuff …had been a for a few years leading up to this and he was always able to say how crazy this behaviour is and how risky and selfish it is. He was able to say " no this is wrong". Then the new meds came along ( not even sure why as my husband is not the type to take meds, but i guess his dr thought they could help him be less anxious in social environments?). Well he became less anxoius alright. he said after the meds came on, this hobby of his friends’ became more interesting and harder to resist. To the point where it was easy to not even feel his feeling for us. I could see the changes in him. and others could as well. His brother even commented on how strange and agressive he had been acting.
I am giving him this chance to fix all of this. He has no desire to see any of those friends, and is really quite angry with them for what they do and how they hurt others by glorifying a terrible thing. other guys in the group have fallen for it also and many have divorced.
I have to give him this chance because the meds were there and could have been a huge contributor.
Dr Breggin has some info out there about SSRI meds and how they can really mess people up. He has seen things like this happen all the time and does NOT prescribe these meds.
My faith has helped me with all of this as well.
Thank you all

Here is the thing: He never lost the ability to remember that the faith is true or that by the light of faith he knows that adultery is forbidden by moral law. He lost the emotional affection he felt for the moral life, he lost some of his resistance, he lost many aspects of his mental health that make the moral life easier to live. He still knew the faith he had accepted every time he made his baptismal vows (which we repeat during every Easter season). Did all the difficulties between him and doing what he still knew was right so mitigate his free will that he was not even responsible for doing wrong? Who knows? That is not the point. The point is finding out how to keep you both faithful when everything again seems to be stacked against you. You know how the storm works now. What are you going to do, knowing what you know now, so you can be ready for another natural disaster, maybe one a bit different than this one but just as dangerous to your virtue?

I would discuss this with him: How are the two of you going to respond the next time your moral life loses its savor for one of you? With regards to depression, I called this “flying on instruments”. You can no longer look out the window of your “plane” and see the ground and verify the horizon. When you are “flying on instruments,” you only have the faith you have come to accept to tell you right from wrong. Maybe your body says, “I want to kill myself,” but you have ways in place to steer with the instruments that say “You shall not kill, and that includes killing yourself. You MAY NOT do that. You WILL find a way to avoid doing that.”

It is extremely tiring to “fly on instruments.” You need to ask less of yourself in order to do it without giving in to your senses and flying your plane into the side of a mountain because you felt seized by a desire to do what your body tells you instead of believing the instruments that are telling you the truth. If you admit that you are tiring, you can freak out other people on the plane, and that can make the situation worse. You two need to talk about how to be each others’ co-pilot. How can he tell you, “I can’t feel the feelings I want to feel” or “I feel temptations that I don’t have the desire to resist” without hurting your feelings? How can you tell him if you find yourself in a similar situation? You need to be able to open up lines of communication and try to give yourself an “emergency protocol” that will help you if this comes up again. By doing this, you will be getting ready to mutually strengthen each other even if a worse situation comes at you later on down the line.

Whatever you do, do not assume this can’t ever happen again. Once either one of you have committed adultery, the second fall is not harder, but easier. It is like having a trick knee. You have to be ready to rehabilitate in a way that is humbly ready to seek whatever help you need, even when it means admitting a weakness that might make you feel ashamed.

 

[AussieTrish]

EasterJoy, “wow”. Posters and lurkers on Catholic Answers forum are truly blessed indeed to have you as posting Member. May God continue to bless and use you as His instrument of wisdom.

 

[GreyWings]

I’m so sorry, Renwoman. What an awful situation. You’re such a strong woman.

I will pray for you.

 

[sesenena]

I know other people commented and this question was posted a long time ago, but I wanted to add my two cents.
If you have done your researches and you are sure that what your husband told you is the truth, don’t let anyone shake this trust until they have proofs. It is perfectly possible that a series of circumstances (his mom died, he met bad friends, he felt rejected by his dad and so on) made him more vulnerable.
I’m really happy that he repented and confessed and wants to make ammend for his sins. I really hope that with prayer and therapy you will build you trust again and you will have a wonderful marriage.

 

[1990Domer]

@ easter joy…thank you. Someone who actually gets it. Ssri meds will be banned from the market in coming years. Another shooting today and guess what? Ssri meds. My neighbor was put on prozac and within two weeks he hung himself. His wife was shocked as he was so out of character.
my husband got very odd with the Ssri meds. We run a million dollar business and I related it all to stress. We work a zillion hours together. We farm 50 acres also. We do lots of stuff with the kids. Snowskiing and wsterskiing all summer.
anyway. …he became obcessive compulsive. Easily agitated hyper, loud and outgoing. Demanding and was swearing like he never ever did.
its the ssri meds because he has been off of them and he does nit swear and his personality is back. This judt does not change overnight unlesd it was a drug that is now gone.
Now that he is off of them he can see how crazy and driven he was
he was trying to get caught. He was out of control and did not know what to do.i am the one that is here to help him and this time it was me whom he would destroy if he asked for help. Of course he was lying.
Just like a kid lies about smoking or drugs.
it is over. He sticks with me all day every day.not one call to friends or women. I check everyday. All computers have blocks on them and all smart phones as well. It emails me even if he tries to look up someone. 10 months and he has been acountable.
pray for us easter joy and thank you.
.

For my sake and my son’s sake, I hope SSRIs are not banned. You always hear the few bad stories but never the good ones. That’s unfortunate. Some of them are literally lifesavers.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you all for posting. My relationship therapyst has backed up the fact that these meds can cause us to do crazy stuff. They can block our feelings. matter of fact this is what they are suppose to do. They block sadness and depression but they also block our Love and desire to be honest and loyal. These meds numb all emotions, they work differantly on differant people. My husband and I have had some serious discussions about how he was feeling then Vs now. He said that back then, he loved us all very much, but said he could not seem to feel it. He felt unloved himself. This is odd as we are a family that does most everything together. Our children have the " cool parents on the block" and all the teenage friends hang out with us. We have always been very connected soul mates…and my husband never went without " love" in the bedroom.
he also said the friend who was pushing this stuff …had been a for a few years leading up to this and he was always able to say how crazy this behaviour is and how risky and selfish it is. He was able to say " no this is wrong". Then the new meds came along ( not even sure why as my husband is not the type to take meds, but i guess his dr thought they could help him be less anxious in social environments?). Well he became less anxoius alright. he said after the meds came on, this hobby of his friends’ became more interesting and harder to resist. To the point where it was easy to not even feel his feeling for us. I could see the changes in him. and others could as well. His brother even commented on how strange and agressive he had been acting.
I am giving him this chance to fix all of this. He has no desire to see any of those friends, and is really quite angry with them for what they do and how they hurt others by glorifying a terrible thing. other guys in the group have fallen for it also and many have divorced.
I have to give him this chance because the meds were there and could have been a huge contributor.
Dr Breggin has some info out there about SSRI meds and how they can really mess people up. He has seen things like this happen all the time and does NOT prescribe these meds.
My faith has helped me with all of this as well.
Thank you all

My apologies, but I don’t think the drugs are entirely to blame here. Actually, did you know that most lower**** libido? It is part of smoothing out emotional hurts. Is your relationship therapist a psychiatrist? If not, the information you are getting may be inaccurate or the message may be tailored to make you feel better. I just want you to get the truth. I don’t want you getting information that leads to false hopes.

 

[Vanny]

Renwoman- I am so sorry and I am praying for you.
I think you are a wonderful person for standing by your husband and glad you are seeking counseling.

You probably know this already, but while I believe it may be possible your husband has never cheated before this, I think what you revealed in you original post shows me that your husband has serious issues that existed before the last 5 years, and must be dealt with through counseling, which it seems you are doing, but he needs in-depth counseling.
While the antidepressants, bad friends, and absent father may have pushed him over the edge. something was already there in him, I’m sorry, that he was struggling with.
A Godly, faithful man that is following the Lord just doesn’t go whole hog off the rails like this overnight without underlying issues.
God Bless and hope you and your husband can get the help you need and save your marriage.

 

[MaryT777]

For my sake and my son’s sake, I hope SSRIs are not banned. You always hear the few bad stories but never the good ones. That’s unfortunate. Some of them are literally lifesavers.

I know at least 20 people who have been helped by the SSRI drugs and I doubt they will be taken off the market. Their contribution to the betterment of people with depression especially has been phenomenal.

Mary.

 

[Vanny]

I know at least 20 people who have been helped by the SSRI drugs and I doubt they will be taken off the market. Their contribution to the betterment of people with depression especially has been phenomenal.

Mary.

Yes-my stepdaughter (age 41) takes them and it has helped her immensely. I have seen no negative effects with her.
I’m wondering about the dosage this man took, or perhaps he mixed them with alcohol or other illicit drugs. It’s possible he was having a bad reaction, too.
I’m no pyschologist-but I’m guessing an addictive personality, either to drugs or pornography. I’ve seen it enough in RL (among some friends kids) risky behavior with illicit drug use or use of pornography.
Issues that need serious counseling. I’ll leave it there, as I’m no psychologist.

 

[1990Domer]

I know at least 20 people who have been helped by the SSRI drugs and I doubt they will be taken off the market. Their contribution to the betterment of people with depression especially has been phenomenal.

Mary.

I have multiple family and friends–present company included–that these drugs have helped. Also, doctors start you on really small doses to see if you can tolerate them and, if they are good doctors, note their observations in your behavior.

 

[1990Domer]

My apologies, but I don’t think the drugs are entirely to blame here. Actually, did you know that most lower**** libido? It is part of smoothing out emotional hurts. Is your relationship therapist a psychiatrist? If not, the information you are getting may be inaccurate or the message may be tailored to make you feel better. I just want you to get the truth. I don’t want you getting information that leads to false hopes.

I forgot to mention…who is Dr. Breggin? And when I was talking about drugs, I meant SSRI drugs. There are vast other ones–legal and illegal–that can do even more harm (thinking alcohol and pot).

 

[1990Domer]

No one on here can help with God forgiving him, that is either done or not done in a sacrament of the Church. Only God and your husband can sort that out.

Again, the alarm bells ring when you are asking for him to forgive himself. I have never understood that phrase.

Are you clear on Catholic teaching of forgiveness? I believe we are to hold each other to the same standard God holds us to in the confessional. 1) True Sorrow. 2) Firm amendment to not do it again ) reparation/repentance.

I just am confused at the questions. I would think someone who had been hurt like you have been would be asking how THEY could forgive him. Not how confession works or how he can forgive himself.

I have no idea what is going on in your hearts but it is common for offenders to manipulate by “beating themselves up with guilt” and then garnering sympathy from the people hurt by the actions of themselves. I saw excuses in your post, the meds, his dad, his friends, addiction to sex? but not really anything resembling full responsibility taken by him for his actions. Which to me, would be the first step in having me forgive him… and convincing me that he could change.

But again, I am cynical. No man has ever just up and cheated after 23 years and then never did it again. It would be amazing if the only times he cheated, were the times you caught him… Especially in the world of online prostitutes and “hookups” That is pretty advanced stuff, that isn’t just “my dad dissed me and Mrs Johnson next door offered a shoulder to cry on and one thing led to another” This is on the lines of sex trade…

OP, I equally feel horrible for you. You must be in some type of shock or self-preservation mode, especially given that you have to be strong for your kids. Have you asked them if they noticed a significant change in their dad’s behavior.

I probably need to agree with Hoosier in that it is would be very unusual for a husband–nearly out of nowhere–start straying with strangers. My husband and I have been together for 23 years, 21 married. At no time has either of us felt a romantic desire for another person. Now, I won’t say that we don’t tease each other about our former movie star crushes before we met (heck, I am friends with one of mine now…crazy story), but we know that this ends at playful teasing. We are brutally honest to each other and both suffer from scrupulosity. I fear that your shock may come from not knowing the man you married as well as you did. Certainly tragic experiences can trigger emotional behavior. My MIL died suddenly from a heart attack in January and my FIL died from about a year long battle with cancer 10 years ago. Very sad events, but nothing that would make my husband (or me, when my parents die) do a 180. I would hope we would turn to each other for support.

Please be assured of my prayers, especially as we approach the World Meeting of Families. God bless.