Cheating in my family

[whatevergirl]

I’m so sad right now…just got through crying…
I heard from my sister, her son who is 31, just found out that his wife (of four years) has been cheating on him, and get this–with his brother’s best friend. Oh my gosh, I’m sick. I can’t believe it.

Do some of you remember when I told you about my nephew’s wife, and my sister having a tiff during the holidays–she left (my sister) and then wrote him a letter telling him that he married the wrong woman, basically. Well–they hadn’t spoken a word to each other all this time, since that episode.

Well fast forward to yesterday, and my sister said that he was at her doorstep, crying his eyes out, apologizing to my sister for how he treated her, and that he didn’t trust her judgement. The sad thing to, is his wife was ALSO arrested for drinking and driving.

You’d think this is an episode of Jerry Springer, but my nephew and his wife are very classy, have excellent jobs, are highly educated…I can’t believe it. I mean, the cheating yes, but the arresting for a dui? What is going on with her?

Also…she has been taking diet pills, and my nephew thinks this is why her behavior is so erratic, he doesn’t even know who she is anymore. He blames himself for working so much, oh my gosh, he is such a great guy.

I’m so sad for him. Please pray. I’m not sure what to pray for…for them to reconcile? I did pray that–my sister wants him to leave her, but she is keeping that to herself.

What are your thoughts? Please pray for my nephew…I’m so sad about this right now.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m also praying that he comes back to The Church, he is a cradle Catholic, but he and his wife don’t attend any services. She is Presbyterian.

If he does divorce her–and they were married in her church…would he still need an annulment to marry again? My sister wondered this, as do I. I mean, he isn’t running to divorce court, but it doesn’t look good right now.

 

[allhers]

I will keep your family in my prayers, how sad.

The woman sounds like she is in need of a lot of prayer and help too.

As for the annulment, I don’t know, he would have to ask a good Priest who understands these things, you could ask on here in the Q. and A. section.

 

[Scoobyshme]

I’m not an expert, but I think it depends on whether they were married in her church with the Catholic Church’s permission. If not, then it would be a fairly quick, straightforward thing to have that marriage nullified. If so, then they still might be able to have it nullified, but they would have to go through the full procedure. Actually, it only takes one to do so, even if the other spouse disagrees.

Sounds like she has turned her back on God and embraced the world. He followed her, since he no longer attends Mass. That made him more vulnerable to what’s going on, I think.

Prayer, penance, and alms giving is the most powerful approach. Prayer alone may not cut the mustard. And, we always pray with the intention to accept God’s will, whatever it may be.

God bless.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m so sad, my eyes can’t stop welling up over this. I am close with my nephews…I took care of them, they are like brothers to me. To see this happening, I can’t believe it. I knew that their marriage was struggling, but I didn’t think she’d cheat, and had a drinking problem. I agree she needs our prayers, as well.

Another question I have, my sister suggested to him, to contact her dad. Reason being, that she might be a danger to herself…and her family should know, because my nephew is going to stay with a friend or his mom (my sister) until they iron out a future path.

Do you think my nephew has the ‘right’ to call her dad? Is that wise?

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you Scoob, and allhers for your prayers.

 

[Brenda_V]

wg - first annulment question - yes, he would need to seek some form of annulment, Disparity of Form or something like that could be why his marriage is not valid.

Second, dui’s don’t only occur with trailer trash honey. People in all socio-economic groups do dui’s.

Third and most important, I will pray for your nephew and his wife.

And last, yes your nephew has every right to call his wife’s dad as he might be able to help.

Brenda V.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Brenda–I didn’t say ‘trailer trash,’ I meant it as a collective thing…I’m shocked having known her character, it didn’t seem like anyone would see this coming. Jerry Springer comment…meaning, nephew’s wife sleeping with nephew’s brother’s friend…sounds too bizarre for words.

Thanks for the rest of your advice.

 

[allhers]

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to call her father too, in order to help her. She does sound like a danger to herself and others. He may already know of this but he also may not and would want to help her. Worth a shot anyway.

:console:

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks allhers. I wasn’t sure…if it would be crossing the line…getting her parents involved.
So sad…

How does one get past something like this? My sister said there are two sides to every story in every relationship, but being that is her son, she can only see red right now, and wants this woman out of his life.

 

[zzz]

I’m so sad, my eyes can’t stop welling up over this. I am close with my nephews…I took care of them, they are like brothers to me. To see this happening, I can’t believe it. I knew that their marriage was struggling, but I didn’t think she’d cheat, and had a drinking problem. I agree she needs our prayers, as well.

Another question I have, my sister suggested to him, to contact her dad. Reason being, that she might be a danger to herself…and her family should know, because my nephew is going to stay with a friend or his mom (my sister) until they iron out a future path.

Do you think my nephew has the ‘right’ to call her dad? Is that wise?

I’m sooo sorry this has happened in your family and prayers are definately coming your way. It might be in your nephew’s best interest to get some legal advice before moving out of the house, even if he has no intention of divorce at this time, as his leaving could be taken as abandonment if his wife decided to file. She doesn’t seem to be making the best choices at the moment (understatement) and he needs to protect himself.

 

[whatevergirl]

Brenda, or anyone – please help me to understand this…why would he need an annulment, if he didn’t marry in the Catholic Church? Is it because he is Catholic? Granted, this is taking a leap kind of thinking, but if he divorces, and then chooses to remarry, he needs to know the right way to go about things. I know I should know this, but I always get hung up on annulments… Your help is appreciated.

 

[Sheeniac]

If he married outside of the Church without permission, his marriage can be found invalid via a ‘short form’ annulment application. This is because all Catholics are to be married in the Church.

Prayers up for your whole family.

 

[kage_ar]

Brenda, or anyone – please help me to understand this…why would he need an annulment, if he didn’t marry in the Catholic Church? Is it because he is Catholic? Granted, this is taking a leap kind of thinking, but if he divorces, and then chooses to remarry, he needs to know the right way to go about things. I know I should know this, but I always get hung up on annulments… Your help is appreciated.

The Church considers every marriage valid until proven otherwise.

Do you know if they rec’d a dispensation to marry in the Presby Church? If they did, there is a chance the marriage is valid.

Did he formally defect - what year they were married can impact what counted as formal defection at that time.

Best for him to first WAIT and see what happens. God could heal this relationship. If that does not happen, they will have to be civilly divorced before anything in the Church can begin.

Get yourself a copy of Ed Peter’s book “Annulments” and read it, then, when they have questions you can loan the book to them.

Pray, suggest he go to Confession and Mass and Adoration. Getting his heart back with God is the first step.

 

[Jennykay]

I’m so sorry.
You’ve gotten good advice. I just want to add my thoughts that the
woman’s father should be made aware of the situation especially as
she has had a DUI and could be a danger to herself or others behind
the wheel of a car. And as your nephew’s father-in-law (if I’m following
correctly) he is family and your nephew should be able to talk freely to him.
I pray for you and your family.

 

[allhers]

I think both post 4 and 14 are the best advice for your nephew.

Annulments are not a hard and fast, one type for all kind of thing. I believe thats probably why they are so hard to understand unless you know exactly what you are talking about. Perhaps you could look something up on this site about them. I believe they are a case by case basis.

 

[Brenda_V]

Hi Brenda–I didn’t say ‘trailer trash,’ I meant it as a collective thing…I’m shocked having known her character, it didn’t seem like anyone would see this coming. Jerry Springer comment…meaning, nephew’s wife sleeping with nephew’s brother’s friend…sounds too bizarre for words.

Thanks for the rest of your advice.

No you didn’t say trailer trash, I did - but you understood where I got that from, my fault for that though. See, I don’t watch Jerry Springer, I only know the show by reputation and from flicking through channels . Oh, and I scan read so could have missed something, Again my fault and I apologize.

Anyway, if she is hooked on some kind of diet pill then her judgment could be way off, hence sleeping with husbands bf. What kind of bf does that anyway?

Brenda V.

 

[newf]

whatevergirl,

This is the kind of stuff that can bring a person to God. Don’t despair. What was hidden is now out in the open and hopefully something can be done.

First of all, I would forget about an annulment at this point. Let’s not focus on that. It’s kind of like saying let’s get this marriage overwith so your nephew can find a better wife. I don’t think that is your intention, but is still kind of seems that way to me. And it seems harsh.

You’ve proven on these boards to be a very kind and loving person. Bring your love to your sister and nephew. Listen and don’t judge his wife. Obviously, adultery is wrong, but there is probably more to the story than you know.

Adultery and DUIs happen all the time to everyone. No one is immune from this kind of thing, not you and not me, either. It could be that the wife felt so badly about the adultery that she drank trying to cover her guilt and pain. We just don’t know.

Let’s be thankful no one was killed in a drunk driving accident. Let’s be thankful your nephew has an aunt in you who loves him so much. Let’s be thankful your sister has your shoulder to cry on. Let’s all be thankful you have each other.

And let’s pray for God to intervene in this situation and bring good from it.

My heart goes out to you. I know this is very difficult.

 

[whatevergirl]

No you didn’t say trailer trash, I did - but you understood where I got that from, my fault for that though. See, I don’t watch Jerry Springer, I only know the show by reputation and from flicking through channels . Oh, and I scan read so could have missed something, Again my fault and I apologize.

Oh, no need…I apologize myself…In rereading it, it does look like I’m inferring that dui’s happen in a vacuum. I also didn’t mean to sound judgemental…wasn’t my intent. Thank you though.

Anyway, if she is hooked on some kind of diet pill then her judgment could be way off, hence sleeping with husbands bf. What kind of bf does that anyway?

Brenda V.

I know right???!!! It really amazes me, heading this today. Her husband’s brother’s best friend…even more bizarre. (so my other nephew’s friend) I know, and my sister said she wants to know if her other son (whose friend did this) knew an inkling about this. For his sake, I hope not.

 

[Brenda_V]

Brenda, or anyone – please help me to understand this…why would he need an annulment, if he didn’t marry in the Catholic Church? Is it because he is Catholic? Granted, this is taking a leap kind of thinking, but if he divorces, and then chooses to remarry, he needs to know the right way to go about things. I know I should know this, but I always get hung up on annulments… Your help is appreciated.

Kage pretty much answered your question but, like one other poster said, if he did not get a dispensation the Declaration of Nullity (that is what it is, not an annulment) is what is needed.

It just means he is free to Marry in the Catholic Church that any other “marriages” he contracted were considered civil only and not Church marriages.

I am going to agree with Kage though, encourage him to get to Confession and make himself right with God and then go from there. A good Priest will help him with it all in the end so always, the best advice is to say “go talk to Fr.” and if he is scared (he won’t say so but he might be) tell him you will go for moral support.

It can be very confusing because you see these couples who have been married for 20-30-40 years who recieve a declaration of Nullity and you wonder why?

Your Nephew from the little I have heard sounds like he does not have a church law marriage but there is much I don’t know so…if he got a dispensation to be married in her church (easy enough to do because a wedding usually takes place in the woman’s church) then he has a ‘Church sanctioned Marriage’, if they didn’t but subsequently had their marriage co-validated (usually you hear how it is getting your marriage blessed) then the same is true but if neither of these happened there is a good chance that his marriage is not church sanctioned.

Oi, lots of words. I have not read the book that is recommended so I am going to take it on faith that it is a good one so you should look into it so you are ready to advise him when he is ready for it.

Brenda V.