cheating

  • Thread starter Thread starter browser1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
browser1,
I really think that your friend’s relationship with her boyfriend is not your affair. Stay out of it.

Matthew
 
jman507 said:
Between you two (chevalier) why you would have to use your judgement in context of the two and try to fish out a bit on the relationship of the two without being too deliberate. I’m sure one could justify either position, but your always better off assuming less and working with more complete information. (Granted that might be why I think an agreement not to discuss outside dating to avoid angst is a pretty stupid arrangment, but that’s just me.) Also your going to have to watch out for your own personal bias, another assumption that could lead you to doing no favors in the other person’s eyes.
Click to expand...
Huh?!? Is George Bush your ghost writer?
 
chevalier said:
That’s possible, but the likelihood is very low. The way this case looks, I believe the probability of lack of such an arrangement is at least 99%.
Click to expand...
Common sense would suggest that in this situation, you’re probably right. I still don’t think it is anyone’s business, however, and the two parties to the relationship need to work this out free of any interlopers or busybodies.
 
Island_Oak said:
Huh?!? Is George Bush your ghost writer?
Click to expand...
Charity please? You could have just asked to clarify.

From what you and cavalier posted, I think you could assert there may be two general ways it may be approached:
  1. The person doesn’t want to know the details of the other person’s dating activities. To tell the person would not be welcomed.
  2. The person would want to know if the another is seeing someone else. To not tell the person may be considered uncharitable.
Given those two positions, to interject or to not interject would be a judgement call. The main question at the heart of the situation is if deceit is involved with the situation.

It would seem you should be working with as full information as possible inorder to avoid taking the wrong position. One doesn’t need to outright and directly bring it up; often you can get a good idea by indirectly just asking questions. People who are trying to deceive tend to give off clues. Asking how the other person generally how the relationship is going may give off clues on the direction of the relationship. No one would have to act right away, one could just bid their time.

Granted I’ll say for myself, I would follow #2. I would find the idea of not knowing the details of another person’s dating activites to avoid angst is just plain stupid. Granted I can plausably see it as a workable situation. I’ll say me, as me, would be rather just have to break the whole thing off than to have my girlfriend doing outside dating activity (that’s not a general rule, just one for myself), and I don’t really care what anyone else has to say about that.

Also I’d say I would be upset at someone if he or she thought that I wouldn’t want to know. On that regard, if I have my fly down, I would be upset at a friend who let me go around all day with it down, than to spare me the embarassment by telling me.

So really, if there is something in this post that you do not understand, please ask me to clearify the point(s).
 
I have been through this. In college we were 4 roommates and one was dating this one guy about 40 miles away. She had done this before then, but what she would do is make him come and see her, and when he would not come, she would go out to the bars and …well…you get the picture. I mean, it was like 3 or more different guys a week - sick.

Anyway, this guy popped the question within like 6 months and she said yes - still doing her thing. I got so sick of it I moved out and my other roommate came over a lot trying to get away from her and complaining about it. One night we got together and called our roommates “fiance” and told him what she was up to - and just to make sure it didn’t come from us - maybe try to catch her in the act himself. We really thought he needed to know.

I mean, this was a girl that got a married man to take her to prom and then got upset when his wife came to protest it. She had more than one ring - sometimes I think she just did it for the ring.

I really think the guy is owed the truth - IMO.
 
bilop said:
I don’t think people mean to say it’s “OK”, just that it’s something different from cheating.

If you are fornicating with your BF/GF, that is wrong. If you then fornicate with someone else, that is also wrong. But, it is the same sin. It is wrong to say that the first relationship gains some rights of exclusive fornication. That is the modern, secular view, but there is no basis for it in moral law.

Now if you want to say lying to your BF/GF is wrong, sure. But, cheating implies violating a commitment (engagement or marriage) which simply does not exist in a BF/GF relationship.

This is where pre-marital sex screws things up. It causes false feelings of commitment, where none exists.

God bless
Click to expand...
Interesting , question though 🙂 What if there is no fornication (for example). What would people’s advice be then? What if she was dating and planning on being engaged to someone she is not haveing sex with and involved in an intense emotional affiar with some other guy. Tell the bf soon to the fiance? Sometimes emotional affairs are more intense than physical, no?
 
Interesting , question though What if there is no fornication (for example). What would people’s advice be then? What if she was dating and planning on being engaged to someone she is not haveing sex with and involved in an intense emotional affiar with some other guy. Tell the bf soon to the fiance? Sometimes emotional affairs are more intense than physical, no?
Click to expand...
Yes they are, and entirely inappropiate. A couple telling each other they love each other, should be each others best friend. All relationships with the other sex should placed to the casual status. Now call me old fashioned, but I’m not gonna put up with some guy calling my wife for marriage counseling etc, he needs to take that somewhere else.

My wife and I had this conversation when? 1975?? about 3 months before we became engaged. LOL
 
Interesting , question though What if there is no fornication (for example). What would people’s advice be then? What if she was dating and planning on being engaged to someone she is not haveing sex with and involved in an intense emotional affiar with some other guy. Tell the bf soon to the fiance? Sometimes emotional affairs are more intense than physical, no?
Click to expand...
Yes they are.

Take sex outta the equation, a serious relationship does not always mean sex. If a couple is in love, one of them being involed in any kind of intense emtional or personal relationship is gonna cause problems, at least with me it will.

I’ve been married 32 years, but prior to that (ancient history I know) I had a few of those kind of relationships, now they didn’t work out, and when I saw they weren’t, I ended them. But in the mean time I was gonna be a unhappy camper if some guy was consistently calling her looking for a shoulder cry on. He needed to go somewhere else with that.

Now call and talk about the weather, sports, pets, work, but when the conversation turns personal? Nooooooooooo. Or am I just old fashioned?

Why they call ya SoUnhappy?
 
Island_Oak said:
Common sense would suggest that in this situation, you’re probably right. I still don’t think it is anyone’s business, however, and the two parties to the relationship need to work this out free of any interlopers or busybodies.
Click to expand...
I do see your point and make no mistake, I very much sympathise with it. Point is, what if they marry and contract an invalid marriage? Shouldn’t the person knowing of such a potential obstacle stand up and speak? I would be very grateful to anyone relieving me from such deceit.
 
Asillia said:
We became boyfriend and girlfriend and from day one we knew we would only be bf/gf if we thought there was potential for marriage. That’s how both of us are: we don’t agree with dating just to ‘get to know someone’ or if you don’t think you could marry them.

The way I view bf/gf is that by default it is heading towards marriage UNLESS some big issue that can’t be worked towards presents itself. It is still a commitment, and ‘cheating’ would be a huge issue. We actually considered ourselves engaged in heart, even if we weren’t officially planning the wedding yet. Engagement is when you are saying that you are confident there are no big issues that will impediment the marriage (although of course there are still issues you are working through, and more discernment) and you are definitely getting married (and in a practical sense, actually planning it and notifiying people).

I agree that a bf/gf relationship shouldn’t last too long or be aimless…eventually either you know or you don’t…but I don’t think it’s immoral to have a long relationship assuming it isn’t stagnant; sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. But I don’t think it’s an excuse to not be committed to each other, and I really don’t like the idea of being with multiple people to figure out which one you want. Friendship is one thing, but not things that imply some kind of future marriage. That’s bad practice for the exclusivity marriage requires.
Click to expand...
Well said. I agree with you. I was friends with my boyfriend before we started dating, and we agreed from the first date that the objective of dating was to determine whether and when this could lead to marriage. Yes, we talked about marriage on our first date! However, I wouldn’t want to get engaged until we can announce it with a date in mind - in our case, we can’t do that yet because of visa issues in our international relationship. If my boyfriend were involved in a physical or emotional relationship with someone else, you’d better believe me it’d be cheating, and we both know it.

This is my view of the dating thing:
Step one: you’re interested. This person tickles your fancy, and you want to get to know them better. Be friends for a while - six months, a year - and figure out whether there is long-term potential.
Step two: you’re encouraged. This person would make a wonderful spouse and parent. There are no red flags and you definitely share interests. You probably have some chemistry as well. Go ahead and ask them if they’re interested in an exclusive relationship with you where you can determine whether marriage would be wise.
Step three: you’re confident. This person would be a wonderful spouse for you and gets along well with your family and friends. Your hopes and dreams work well together, and you both feel that you can help each other become better, holier people. Get engaged and pick a wedding date, and then announce it to your loved ones.
Step four: you’re convinced. Say your vows in front of your family, friends, and God. Reaffirm your decision every day in everything you do.
 
Nice steps… Keep them natural, not stiff preestablished boundaries, and you’re set. I would say it might be somewhat important to defeat the initial urge to focus one’s attention exclusively on that one person. Such urges are typically weaker after a day or two. Sometimes promises and declarations are already made until such a time. That’s quite constricting. However, this would mean defeating the romantic urges to kiss somsone, hug, hold, waltz and whatnot. Non-exclusivity in those activities is not something I could take.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top