Childhood misconceptions about Catholicism and what you "thought" they meant. (humorous)

[Chovy]

When I was 4 or so, I took the phrase “Lift up your hearts, We lift them up to the Lord” literally, and imagined God at the end of this long conveyor belt receiving red paper hearts with names on them and sorting out the good from the bad. I remember clearly imagining my “Annie” heart riding on the belt toward God.

When I was in 2nd grade, our parish had this wonderful old priest who would come once a week and meet with the various grades. He frequently lectured us on the consequences of mortal sins. I remember running home in tears from school and confronting my mom about why she let me commit a "Sacharich’ (Sacrilege) because when I was under five I went to Sunday School instead of Mass on Sundays and didn’t confess it before receiving my first Communion.

 

[jeanne71350]

You know, I just think this is so beautiful. Even though I know that the voices are not of the angels and coming from heaven, even now, when I hear the voices coming from the choir loft, that’s what it sounds like and feels like. There seems to be this divine connection that I admittedly never feel that when I see the choir or see the cantor. I’d rather just hear them from behind.

I know. When I go to the classical mass and they start singing the hyms, it’s so beautiful. I love the choral harmonies.

It does sound like angels from heaven!

 

[Snerticus]

You know, I just think this is so beautiful. Even though I know that the voices are not of the angels and coming from heaven, even now, when I hear the voices coming from the choir loft, that’s what it sounds like and feels like. There seems to be this divine connection that I admittedly never feel that when I see the choir or see the cantor. I’d rather just hear them from behind.

You just might have the gift of percieving the angels singing. Afte all, the Mass is Heaven on Earth and it takes place simultaneously in both places.

 

[allhers]

The good Sister explained 40 hours devotion to us and explained to us how Jesus would be in a Monstrance (I can’t spell but hopefully I got that one right.)

I promptly told my Mother upon arriving home that day that Jesus was going to be in a monster and that Sister said we ought to come and pray. (I think my mother almost wet herself laughing.)

However, she did go with me to the devotion (and of course explained it all to me after she quit laughing.)

 

[Pacbox]

When I was four, I thought the memorial acclamations “Christ has dies, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again” was MY song since it was so easy to learn. And it made perfect sense. Since Jesus would come back He was going to come back through the side doors next to the organ and choir and everyone was going to be at Church when it happened. (My family sat to the side of the sanctuary and could see the organ and those doors on the other side quite easily so it made sense.)

When Father said “with all the choirs of angels and saints” right before the Sanctus, I wondered how they would fit in the Church because ALL of Heaven had to come down and fit in our church. And near the ceiling at that. I didn’t think they could all fit. Plus, they also had to go to other churches for the same thing and how they could be in so many places at the same time.

We had a priest in the parish (all the same parish as the other stories) whom I at least thought was 80 years old (his hair was completely white. (Years later I figured out that he was really in his 50s at the time). He would visit with the kids while they lined up before school started in the courtyard between the two school buildings, the church, and the hall. I must have been in Second grade at the time. Well, I thought at least, that he would live to at least 120 if not 150 and that all priests would live really long lives. They were special because they were priests so they had special permission from God to live really long lives.

 

[Gardenman]

When I was about 8, I remember my parents having a big heated discussion with a relative about why they hadn’t gone to someone’s wedding. It was because the people in question got married “outside the church”…
I kept thinking to myself, “Well why didn’t they just go IN the church and have the wedding ? That would have solved everything and probably been a lot nicer than standing on the sidewalk or in the parking lot”.

When our parish had one of their jubilee’s, my folks were in charge of compiling the anniversary book with the photo’s of all the parishioners and different organizations. They were making a list of each organization and listing the members and the people who held offices in each group. My mom said, “Ok…now let’s see…Who is in charge of the Catholic Daughters”? My 5 year old sister shouted out, “The Catholic Mothers” !!!

 

[samcarter14]

I remembered another one. When i was very young we had a young priest, Father John. He was very skinny and tall, and had his hair a bit longer than I was used to seeing on men, and a beard. I remember getting him mixed up with Jesus, because to me, he looked like a lot of the pictures of Jesus I’d seen.

My mom once told me that I would stand on the kneeling rail, on tiptoes, trying to get a glimpse of “Father Jesus”, as I called him. I did like him a lot.

When i was in college, i remember going to a crowded Easter Mass and I saw two little boys–dressed to the nines–sitting in the pew in front of us. One was standing on his tiptoes, peering up at the altar through the thicket of people, and whispering to his brother (who was a bit older), “Where IS he? Where’s JESUS?” The boys conferred for a bit, then one pointed to the priest at the altar, and said, “THERE HE IS!” The little one took a long look at the priest (who was a bearded fellow) and said, “Oh. Okay!” and they both sat down to quietly listen to the rest of the service.

 

[samcarter14]

Here’s one of my niece’s descriptions of the Crucifixion. My SIL and BIL are very devout Catholics, and it was a few months after Easter when I was visiting. My niece was about five, and was drawing some pictures, and she explained what she was drawing to me as she went:

Her: “Here is Jesus being taken to the cross. And this is him up on the cross, and the people are all really sad. Then he died.”

Me: “I see, and what’s this one?”

Her: “That’s the pot where they took him down, put him in, cooked him and ATE HIM.”

I look over at my SIL, who has this horrified, mortified look on her face, and said, “I think somebody’s a little confused about the Last Supper.”

 

[puzzleannie]

Her: “That’s the pot where they took him down, put him in, cooked him and ATE HIM.”

granddaughter about age 5 was telling me the entire story of Jesus (I saw the movie, Grandma) and how evil King Herod tried to kill him as a baby, but he upscaled (escaped) with Joseph, who is not his real daddy, but king Herod found him and killed him when he growed up, because King Herod was his real daddy. [Grandma protests this reading of history and the gospel]. Well you know, Grandma, like Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s real daddy, and evil King Herod is Jesus’ real daddy! I saw the move, Grandma.
[entirely too much TV, I remonstrate to DD]. Fortunately she now goes to Catholic school so I hope they have straightened her out.

remembered another one. When i was very young we had a young priest, Father John. He was very skinny and tall, and had his hair a bit longer than I was used to seeing on men, and a beard. I remember getting him mixed up with Jesus, because to me, he looked like a lot of the pictures of Jesus I’d seen.

our former pastor is also bearded and rather ascetic in appearance, and when catechists ask the CCD children to draw a picture of Jesus, invariably they draw Fr. John, so we have a whole pack of pictures of our pastor. They love to give him these as a token of their esteem.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

granddaughter about age 5 was telling me the entire story of Jesus (I saw the movie, Grandma) and how evil King Herod tried to kill him as a baby, but he upscaled (escaped) with Joseph, who is not his real daddy, but king Herod found him and killed him when he growed up, because King Herod was his real daddy. [Grandma protests this reading of history and the gospel]. Well you know, Grandma, like Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s real daddy, and evil King Herod is Jesus’ real daddy! I saw the move, Grandma.
[entirely too much TV, I remonstrate to DD]. Fortunately she now goes to Catholic school so I hope they have straightened her out.

our former pastor is also bearded and rather ascetic in appearance, and when catechists ask the CCD children to draw a picture of Jesus, invariably they draw Fr. John, so we have a whole pack of pictures of our pastor. They love to give him these as a token of their esteem.

dies laughing

 

[allhers]

granddaughter about age 5 was telling me the entire story of Jesus (I saw the movie, Grandma) and how evil King Herod tried to kill him as a baby, but he upscaled (escaped) with Joseph, who is not his real daddy, but king Herod found him and killed him when he growed up, because King Herod was his real daddy. [Grandma protests this reading of history and the gospel]. Well you know, Grandma, like Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s real daddy, and evil King Herod is Jesus’ real daddy! I saw the move, Grandma.
[entirely too much TV, I remonstrate to DD]. Fortunately she now goes to Catholic school so I hope they have straightened her out.

our former pastor is also bearded and rather ascetic in appearance, and when catechists ask the CCD children to draw a picture of Jesus, invariably they draw Fr. John, so we have a whole pack of pictures of our pastor. They love to give him these as a token of their esteem.

Children are just too funny sometimes. My oldest son, when about 5 or 6 or so drew a picture at Christmas of the baby Jesus in a cradle, his older sister, (my dd of course), asked him, while pointing to something on the baby Jesus’ face, “what is that” she asked? his answer–
“His beard”!! (he said it like Duh!! What else? Are you stupid or what??)

 

[Rose71]

I got confused by the Monstrance too!

In our church, in the evenings when cars went past with their lights on, it somehow got distorted through one of the windows and cast a really strange, almost octopus-like shaddow that seemed to slip out from behind the statue of St. Peter, move accross the wall and then disappear into the corner

I first noted its appearance when my mother was telling me about the Monstrance - so I thought a ‘Monstrance’ was a kind of big, shaddowy monster that lived in the church

The first priest I remember had a very quiet voice and sort of hissed his 's’s a bit. From our bench, before I was old enough for Communion, I thought he was saying ‘vest’ to everyone and I had absolutely no idea why!!!

 

[MarieVeronica]

There were several big, white 2-story houses on a lot… next door to my childhood parish… St. James… in Redondo Beach, California.

When I was about 3-4 years of age… I thought the houses belonged to God and I completely surprised my mother one day, by asking her… “Can we go visit God’s Story Houses?”. It took her awhile to figure out, I was referring to the big houses, next door to the Church.

But once they understood… they never let me forget it.

 

[GeorgiaCatholic]

I love repeating a story a good friend of mine told me from his childhood. At the part of the Our Father where it says “Lead us not into temptation”, he thought it said “Lead us not into Penn Station”. It was years before he was not terrified to take the train into Penn Station in New York City.

In not quite the same vein, my 3 year old sister was in church for the wedding of a cousin and saw the long train on her wedding gown. For days afterward she kept telling my mother she wanted a “dragon” dress. She and my mother were very frustrated that she couldn’t make my mother understand what she wanted. Of course she meant a “dragging” dress with a train!

 

[ChristinaM]

our former pastor is also bearded and rather ascetic in appearance, and when catechists ask the CCD children to draw a picture of Jesus, invariably they draw Fr. John, so we have a whole pack of pictures of our pastor. They love to give him these as a token of their esteem.

Too cute!

At a former parish, the associate pastor was a very nice, orthodox young priest. One time he wore his cassock and the little boys LOVED it. They said he looked like a “superhero.” I guess they were thinking of Neo from “The Matrix” or something. I love how children come up with these things, it’s adorable.

(Father confided to me that he would have liked to wear the cassock more often, but it “bothered” the two older priests in the parish. )

 

[beckycmarie]

I didnt’ think this myself, but a priest once said this at mass:

A child that once said the “Our Father”: …give us this day our jelly bread…"

My priest as a child did a similar thing with the Hail Mary - saying “blessed is the fruit of the loom. . .”

 

[Miserissima]

Some of us were lucky enough to get to go into the convent which was attached to the school. When we were allowed into their chapel, one of the nuns (Sister Christine) told me that Jesus was in the tabernacle.

I couldn’t imagine ALL of Him squeezing in there, so I figured that it must be Jesus’ bones, wrapped in satin.

I was confused for ages. I thought that their order was the only one to have Jesus in a gold ossuary/tabernacle in the convent next to the school and therefore was very, very special and holy. I was confused for the rest of that school year.

 

[marytk]

My nephew just made his first penance. I was reading the act of contrition and told him it was a little different than the one I learned. I said maybe it is good because “I am heartly sorry” isn’t a way we talk much and I remember my sister thought it was “I am HARDLY sorry”

 

[Gardenman]

There was an eldely Italian lady in our parish who spoke English with a VERY thick Italian accent. We were attending the baptism of a former Protestant neighbor and she said to her, “Oh how a nice…now you a Catholic. Once a you’re a Catholic, you’re a always a Catholic”.

Then I would hear my parents talk about all the “once a year Catholics” who came to Mass only at Christmas and I figured they must all really be Protestants the rest of the year…

 

[Saoirse]

My stories are slightly different, being a convert to the faith.

My family doesn’t tend to go to church. One time, however, my mother was taking my two younger sisters to a Salvation Army Church… they were probably about four and seven at the time…

on the way, they stopped at a Tim Hortons for coffee and donuts, and the four year old asked (very loudly, of course), “is this Church, Mommy?”