Childless and hurting

[MarieVeronica]

My heart is very sad. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for, by posting this. Maybe hoping that someone with similar circumstances can offer some advice, or words of courage or a plea for understanding of persons like myself. My heart is very heavy.

I’m a single, childless woman… 57 years of age. I work for my local school district in food and nutrition. In other words, I’m a “lunch lady”. I’ve been doing this work for about 2 years now as a “sub”. I go from school to school, to fill in for full time employees who are temporarily out of work, for one reason or another. My “gigs” at different schools can last anywhere from one day… to several months, depending on the circumstances.

When I arrive at a new school, I’m typically greeted in a very warm and friendly manner. They’re glad to have the extra pair of hands. My co-workers are almost always other women. But occasionally, there is a man.

We get along, beautifully for a time. But before long… “the inevitable question” is always asked. It never varies. It never fails.

“DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?”

And of course, being an honest person… I answer “No. I don’t”.

That’s when everything begins to change. Suddenly, the former friendliness begins to wane. I’m often asked other personal questions about my life; like do I have pets or “any family at all”; where and how do I live; what on earth do I do with myself, outside of work; one co-worker even went so far as to ask me this very, very personal question “Well, didn’t you ever WANT to have children?”. It was like being slapped in the face.

A certain discomfort begins to set in. As though, they don’t know what to say to me. Or how to say it. As a result, they begin to leave me out of conversations. And another strange thing begins to happen. Whenever I speak to someone… they act as though they can’t hear me. I will get “Excuse me?” … or “Huh?” or “What did you say?” when speaking; almost as though, they’d rather I didn’t speak to them at all.

This situation has played out… over and over and over in the 2 years I’ve worked for our school district. I’m not imagining it. I’m not being overly sensitive. I’m not being paranoid. I simply can’t understand why it makes such an enormous difference to anyone (and it does, trust me)… whether a co-worker has children, or not. It has made me realize, over the past couple of years… that childless women are treated differently; if not looked DOWN upon.

I’ve been made to feel like some sort of “Human Oddity”; as though I belong in a museum exhibit: “CHILDLESS Woman”. How do I respond to such prying and often insensitive questioning. When it happens over and over and over? Why must it be any kind of “issue” in the work place?

Maybe by posting this… I can bring some kind of awareness to the feelings of childless women. We have value and worth, even if we aren’t “Moms”. Not everyone is meant to have children. There are people who CAN’T have children (biologically). There are people who have suffered the loss of a child or children.

If I could make one request… it would be this: Please don’t pry into the personal lives of people you work with. If a person wants to reveal the details of their lives, they will. If they don’t… they don’t. No one has a right to pry. No one has a right to judge.

Thanks for listening. And your prayers would be greatly appreciated… as I’ve been very depressed about this scenario playing out repeatedly.

 

[1ke]

I’m very sorry to hear how you’ve been treated.

I can related to being childless. I am a childless, married woman.

I cannot relate to the way you’ve been treated, other than the occasional misplaced question or unthinking comment.

I honestly have no advice and no idea why people would say those things or treat you that way. I can say that I’ve seen temps and contractors treated differently by the “full time” staff, but I’ve never encountered anything like what you describe.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I feel for you.

I’m a divorced man in his '50’s with grown up children. I’ve noticed that the largest part of most conversations with acquaintances and not-so-close relatives is about children - theirs and mine. I feel that this is done mainly to fill in awkward silences, and to avoid more personal topics (religion, politics, married life, single life, “What films do you watch?” etc.). Thus, without children to discuss, the silences would become awkward - not because one is childless, but simply because the neutral time-filler isn’t there.

So, the isolation you feel probably isn’t about childlessness per-se, and perhaps comes from your unusual situation of regularly having to fit into a new group of acquaintences.

:twocents:

 

[grannymh]

My heart is very sad. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for, by posting this. Maybe hoping that someone with similar circumstances can offer some advice, or words of courage or a plea for understanding of persons like myself. My heart is very heavy.

I’m a single, childless woman… 57 years of age. I work for my local school district in food and nutrition. In other words, I’m a “lunch lady”. I’ve been doing this work for about 2 years now as a “sub”. I go from school to school, to fill in for full time employees who are temporarily out of work, for one reason or another. My “gigs” at different schools can last anywhere from one day… to several months, depending on the circumstances.

When I arrive at a new school, I’m typically greeted in a very warm and friendly manner. They’re glad to have the extra pair of hands. My co-workers are almost always other women. But occasionally, there is a man.

We get along, beautifully for a time. But before long… “the inevitable question” is always asked. It never varies. It never fails.

“DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?”

And of course, being an honest person… I answer “No. I don’t”.

That’s when everything begins to change. Suddenly, the former friendliness begins to wane. I’m often asked other personal questions about my life; like do I have pets or “any family at all”; where and how do I live; what on earth do I do with myself, outside of work; one co-worker even went so far as to ask me this very, very personal question “Well, didn’t you ever WANT to have children?”. It was like being slapped in the face.

A certain discomfort begins to set in. As though, they don’t know what to say to me. Or how to say it. As a result, they begin to leave me out of conversations. And another strange thing begins to happen. Whenever I speak to someone… they act as though they can’t hear me. I will get “Excuse me?” … or “Huh?” or “What did you say?” when speaking; almost as though, they’d rather I didn’t speak to them at all.

This situation has played out… over and over and over in the 2 years I’ve worked for our school district. I’m not imagining it. I’m not being overly sensitive. I’m not being paranoid. I simply can’t understand why it makes such an enormous difference to anyone (and it does, trust me)… whether a co-worker has children, or not. It has made me realize, over the past couple of years… that childless women are treated differently; if not looked DOWN upon.

I’ve been made to feel like some sort of “Human Oddity”; as though I belong in a museum exhibit: “CHILDLESS Woman”. How do I respond to such prying and often insensitive questioning. When it happens over and over and over? Why must it be any kind of “issue” in the work place?

Maybe by posting this… I can bring some kind of awareness to the feelings of childless women. We have value and worth, even if we aren’t “Moms”. Not everyone is meant to have children. There are people who CAN’T have children (biologically). There are people who have suffered the loss of a child or children.

If I could make one request… it would be this: Please don’t pry into the personal lives of people you work with. If a person wants to reveal the details of their lives, they will. If they don’t… they don’t. No one has a right to pry. No one has a right to judge.

Thanks for listening. And your prayers would be greatly appreciated… as I’ve been very depressed about this scenario playing out repeatedly.

Coincidentally, a few days back, I was wondering about you since we share the name Veronica. I can only imagine what Veronica would feel like if she shared with strangers that she had used her veil to soften her Lord’s passion.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I can relate to the annoyance of personal questions single women without children get. Now that I am 46 I am starting to get the ‘Have you ever been married’ how offensive.

Honestly, I don’t know why they would treat you differently because as much as I believe you, it has not been my experience. The only thing I can think is maybe because school are ‘children atmospheres’ or, maybe since you are no longer new, they don’t feel the need to make you feel comfortable

Sorry you are going through this

 

[petra22]

Hey, I’m sorry for all the thoughtless people in the world. I will pray that you find some thoughtful ones to fill your mind and your time. You made me think, though… have I ever been one of those thoughtless people? I’m afraid to think about it too much. I’m afraid I know the answer and it isn’t pleasant. So, I am sorry and I’m praying for all of us to love one another…

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be world without end. Amen.

 

[ClearWater]

I am single and have no children. I get asked that all the time, where my family is, why I don’t have children, if I didn’t want any.

It is difficult when people have children as the main conversation and one doesn’t have any.

 

[nat_c1990]

MarieVeronica- I’m sorry you feel this way. Unfortunately, there are a lot of really insensitive, inconsiderate people in this world. Although I can’t relate to you totally on this topic, I can relate to a certain extent.

I’m 25, been married for 5 years and I have a 9 month old baby. It took us a couple years of trying before we were finally able to get pregnant. During that time, I got asked constantly, sometimes by people that I barely knew, when I was going to have children. Some even went so far as to ask if my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. I’d usually just avoid the topic and not give an answer one way or the other because I’m just not the type of person to discuss my sex life with other people, especially people that I hardly know.

I remember I used to feel like saying “YES! I do want kids, I’m trying! When it happens, you will know!”. It was like a constant reminder of the pain that I was going through everytime someone would bring it up. I wanted a baby more than anything and it used to really hurt me when I would see others get pregnant at the moment that they wanted to, like it was nothing. Because I know what its like, I NEVER have asked a childless person married or not, if they are going to have kids or why they don’t have kids. Sure, I get curious sometimes why a person doesn’t have kids but I would never have the nerve to ask such a personal question. Its absolutely none of anyone’s business.

The best thing you can really do is to just pray for these people. Pray that they will start to think before they speak, and that they will be kind and show consideration for other’s feelings. They may not even realize that these comments are hurtful to you. As someone else suggested, they might be trying to make conversation with you and don’t know what else to say. So, just try to be patient and understanding toward people like this as hard as it may be. I will keep you in mind as I say my prayers tonight.

 

[boomerang]

Hey! Welcome to the Adult-Female-With-No-Children Club. People sure can be rude, can’t they? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been asked that same question by every new co-worker. Most would generally accept my “no” and just move on. Except for one woman. It went like this:

Jan: Do you have any kids?
Me: No.
Jan: NO? Like NEVER? EVER? You NEVER had any kids?
Me: What do you think “no” means? You think I popped a couple out and then ate them or something?
Jan: Uhhhh, I guess that was pretty dumb, huh?
Me: Yep!

In my experience, the women who can’t handle your lack of fecundity have very boring lives. They have nothing to talk about or relate to with another woman, except their progeny and their “baby daddies”. Who are frequently in jail. Or going to jail. Or have been in jail sometime in the past. I have found that the higher the education level, the less they care about whether or not you have curtain climbers.

Next time they ask the dreaded “do you have kids” question, you could fend them off with a smart-alecky “why, you lookin’ to buy some?” or some other equally stupid response. :whacky:

Or you could try this one:



One last thing, I think your situation would improve immensely if you were to get a permanent position somewhere. The cold shoulder you describe, I think, is primarily due to your temp status. When your co-workers discover that you can’t provide them with immediate amusement re: kiddie stories, there is no reason for them to invest in you as a friend when they know you are going away soon. I worked with dozens of women at my last job, they all asked that same question. None of them treated me any different when they found out I was “barren” because they had “invested” in me in other ways, being a permanent co-worker.

All you can really do with your current situation is to change the subject to something less painful, like religion or politics. And develop thick skin. You are not worth less because you don’t have kids. Peace!!

 

[Maresiedotes]

It seems that you might make things easier on yourself when replying to the question, “Do you have children?” by saying, "No, none of my own, but I consider the kids at every school I’ve worked at as ‘my kids.’ Then maybe you could tell them some of the funny things you’ve heard the kids say or that you’ve seen them do. (There are ALWAYS funny/enjoyable stories where kids are concerned.) That way you can share kid stories, and thus develop an initial rapport with co-workers. Stay positive and upbeat. Also, ask the Lord to give you a new way of looking at things, and maybe you’ll be surprised by what might happen! I’ll be praying for you. I hope you’ll keep us posted about what’s happening and how God is helping you to grow.

Prayers and best wishes,
Mary :heaven:

 

[Isca]

Hi OP, I’m also 57 and have no kids, though choice. I only became a Catholic 2 years ago, so it was never an issue for me. My reason? In my previous marriage, I realised pretty quickly that my then-husband would be a terrible father as he had a lot of anger issues. Had I met the man I’m married to now when I was still young enough to have kids, I suspect things would have turned out differently. I don’t regret my previous choice at all, by the way.

If you get asked the question, don’t feel the need to qualify your response - strangers don’t have the right to your life-story. You don’t have to explain to them why your life has followed one path or another.

I do get asked the question in Italy, where children are all-important to many women. Often there are follow-up comments, but that’s just the Italian way. I sometimes say “childless by choice” to avoid them asking if I had fertility problems!

Chin up and good luck. x

 

[MarieVeronica]

One last thing, I think your situation would improve immensely if you were to get a permanent position somewhere. The cold shoulder you describe, I think, is primarily due to your temp status. When your co-workers discover that you can’t provide them with immediate amusement re: kiddie stories, there is no reason for them to invest in you as a friend when they know you are going away soon. I worked with dozens of women at my last job, they all asked that same question. None of them treated me any different when they found out I was “barren” because they had “invested” in me in other ways, being a permanent co-worker.

Thank you all, very much for your kind and helpful words. And for your prayers… they are greatly appreciated. I read every response. I can see that there are some among you have had the same experiences. And some who have not, but will now be more aware of this… when interacting with co-workers. I think that was my purpose. To get people to think about how they interact with fellow employees. I want so much to keep others from suffering the pain I’ve suffered with this.

I highlighted the above paragraph, because I had gone “full time” at one particular school… for about 8 months. Being full time, made no difference. Believe it or not, that was the school… where I suffered the most. We had a staff of 4 permanent workers; I was the newbie. For 8 long months, I endured all of the personal questioning and “treatment” I described, above. (btw… my leaving that position had nothing to do with this topic. I had left for another job opportunity; and came back, later as a sub; and have decided that being a sub will be better, because I won’t have to stay long term in an uncomfortable environment).

Anyway… thanks again for your understanding… your advice… your humor… and above all, your prayers. They are greatly appreciated.

 

[Ash_Wednesday]

I hear you. I’m almost 40 and married but I’m not optimistic we’re going to be able to have kids. Not by choice or anything like that, but health and life issues have just made it difficult and something we may have to come to terms with.

There are a number of us in the Church who don’t necessarily fit the “standard categories” and it’s just easy to feel out of place at times and just an oddball – if you’re single, not in religious life, and especially if for whatever reason you don’t have kids.

Usually people don’t pry about stuff like that in my experience but I’ve always been tempted to say when asked: “No, but I love children, they’re delicious!”

 

[3DOCTORS]

Totally feel where you’re coming from. I am a never-married only child age 53 with deceased parents. My biggest female bonding experience was when I had my hysterectomy and my girlfriends and I shared our experiences with them. Seriously, it was like being able to swap childbirth stories must feel like to most women. I kind of enjoyed it!

And to make myself even more of an outsider, I don’t have a career; I’m on disability. I think I’ve accepted my situation more in recent times - the poverty is my big struggle right now, but I’m praying and hoping that I’ll find a way to at least bring in a little extra income to make ends meet. Plus I do have many interests and hobbies, so that helps.

But it is hard when you feel like you don’t have anything “relatable” with other people. I do have pets, so I tell folks they are my children . . . it sort of works, unless people think the kind of pets I have (bunnies) are a weird kind of pet to have. Then, I got nothing, LOL.

Seriously, though, hang in there and know that we “marginalized” childless folks do exist. Unfortunately, rudeness is all over the place. Pregnant women get intrusive questions, families with more than two kids get asked “Don’t you know about birth control?!” and numerous other examples. One question that sometimes helps in “verbal self-defense” is to ask “Why do you ask?” - not angrily, but just neutrally. It at least gives the questioner a brief heads-up that they’re being nosy.

@boomerang - great cartoon!

 

[boomerang]

Unfortunately, rudeness is all over the place. Pregnant women get intrusive questions, families with more than two kids get asked “Don’t you know about birth control?!” and numerous other examples. One question that sometimes helps in “verbal self-defense” is to ask “Why do you ask?” - not angrily, but just neutrally. It at least gives the questioner a brief heads-up that they’re being nosy.

@boomerang - great cartoon!

I forgot one incident years ago. A well-meaning (I think) lady asked me, “When is your baby due?” I was forced to reply, “I’m not pregnant. I’m FAT!” Sheesh! Hey rude people! Not every belly on a woman is a “bun in the oven”. Don’t assume anything! Good grief!

 

[Jerusha]

MarieVeronica, are you in a situation where foster parenting would be possible?

 

[mafh]

I’m a childless, married woman too (42 years old). When people ask if I have children, I just say that I wasn’t so fortunate and change the subject.

But, in your case, I would follow that up with a bright smile, and say that this is why you like being a lunch lady so much, you get to be around children, and do have the opportunity to make a difference with the next generation. Then, everyone will say ‘aww’ and move on to talking about something else.

I suspect that people who ask you these questions are just fishing around for conversation topics, and don’t realize how much it hurts you. Two possible ways to handle this:

1. have a list of safe conversation topics in mind “No I don’t have children – but I have lots of hobbies. I like to knit, quilt…”
2. Ask them questions back. “No children I’m afraid, how about you?” Most people love to talk about themselves, and if you ask enough questions, you can keep them busy for quite a while before they think to ask you something.

I hope this helps!

 

[Vanny]

I’m so sorry your co-workers are being so thoughtless and insensitive.
for what it’s worth, I am a married woman with children, and I have several female friends and 2 cousins I love to hang around with that never had children.
I am in my late 50’s.
My favorite co-worker is a 62 year old woman who was married and divorced many years ago(husband left her for another woman) she never re-married though she was engaged once and never had the opportunity to have children. Yet her life is rich and full and we have a friendship outside of work. She is also very involved in her church.
Also, 2 of my female cousins both in their 50’s never married or had children due to circumstances and again we get together and do things often.
My children are grown so I am able to do things now, that I was not able to do several years ago so perhaps your co-workers have small children and their lives are taken up with children’s activities? Sometime families with young children tend to hang together more, as I noticed was the case with my dh and I when our children were younger.
So perhaps it’s not that they aren’t interested in you-but since their activities revolve around having young children most of their friends do, too.
I never married or had children myself until my mid thirties so prior to that I used to get questioned every once in awhile why I was not married, in a relationship, have children,ect.
Very annoying, really.
I had some books back then on how Christians can serve singly, and the books pointed out some prominent Christians who never married, such as Corrie Ten Boom, Dietrich Bonhoffer, of course Catholics such as Mother Theresa, and those who devote their lives totally to God. The Book pointed out how singleness can even be a gift! I believe it was God’s call to the Single Adult by Cavanaugh.

 

[Rau]

My heart is very sad. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for, by posting this. Maybe hoping that someone with similar circumstances can offer some advice, or words of courage or a plea for understanding of persons like myself. My heart is very heavy.

I’m a single, childless woman… 57 years of age. I work for my local school district in food and nutrition. In other words, I’m a “lunch lady”. I’ve been doing this work for about 2 years now as a “sub”. I go from school to school, to fill in for full time employees who are temporarily out of work, for one reason or another. My “gigs” at different schools can last anywhere from one day… to several months, depending on the circumstances.

When I arrive at a new school, I’m typically greeted in a very warm and friendly manner. They’re glad to have the extra pair of hands. My co-workers are almost always other women. But occasionally, there is a man.

We get along, beautifully for a time. But before long… “the inevitable question” is always asked. It never varies. It never fails.

“DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?”

And of course, being an honest person… I answer “No. I don’t”.

That’s when everything begins to change. Suddenly, the former friendliness begins to wane. I’m often asked other personal questions about my life; like do I have pets or “any family at all”; where and how do I live; what on earth do I do with myself, outside of work; one co-worker even went so far as to ask me this very, very personal question “Well, didn’t you ever WANT to have children?”. It was like being slapped in the face.

A certain discomfort begins to set in. As though, they don’t know what to say to me. Or how to say it. As a result, they begin to leave me out of conversations. And another strange thing begins to happen. Whenever I speak to someone… they act as though they can’t hear me. I will get “Excuse me?” … or “Huh?” or “What did you say?” when speaking; almost as though, they’d rather I didn’t speak to them at all.

This situation has played out… over and over and over in the 2 years I’ve worked for our school district. I’m not imagining it. I’m not being overly sensitive. I’m not being paranoid. I simply can’t understand why it makes such an enormous difference to anyone (and it does, trust me)… whether a co-worker has children, or not. It has made me realize, over the past couple of years… that childless women are treated differently; if not looked DOWN upon.

I’ve been made to feel like some sort of “Human Oddity”; as though I belong in a museum exhibit: “CHILDLESS Woman”. How do I respond to such prying and often insensitive questioning. When it happens over and over and over? Why must it be any kind of “issue” in the work place?

Maybe by posting this… I can bring some kind of awareness to the feelings of childless women. We have value and worth, even if we aren’t “Moms”. Not everyone is meant to have children. There are people who CAN’T have children (biologically). There are people who have suffered the loss of a child or children.

If I could make one request… it would be this: Please don’t pry into the personal lives of people you work with. If a person wants to reveal the details of their lives, they will. If they don’t… they don’t. No one has a right to pry. No one has a right to judge.

Thanks for listening. And your prayers would be greatly appreciated… as I’ve been very depressed about this scenario playing out repeatedly.

I would have anticipated that a more likely first, personal question would be “are you married?”. If the answer is “no” - it seems odd to ask about kids. If the answer is “divorced”, I can understand the question being raised.

I can’t explain the odd behaviour of workmates which you describe. Single snd unmarried does not itself stigmatize a person in my experience. They can be just as warm, just as friendly, just as funny as anyone else, though “couples” ordinarily fit in with and befriend other couples better than a single. It’s a point of commonality, as is having children.

 

[WillyAL]

Me: What do you think “no” means? You think I popped a couple out and then ate them or something?