Childless and hurting

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I’m sorry for the hurtful way you’ve been treated.

I’ve experienced the same thing, but for the opposite reason. In my experience, people act just as unkindly about someone having a child nine months after the wedding as they do about someone never having kids.

My husband and I became pregnant about a month after our wedding (we were both virgins until our wedding night. I was not pregnant before the wedding). When we announced our pregnancy, we received a variety of comments:

“What, already?”

“Was it an accident?”

“Oh, did your NFP not work?”

“Well, looks like you’ll have a half a dozen kids who will drive you nuts.” (Snicker, snicker)

“Had to have a quick little wedding there, didn’t you?”

It stung. Especially the insinuation that we got married just because we were pregnant.

I will never understand things like this. Do people hear themselves when they speak? I really do feel for you and the hurt caused by the things people said to you.
 
People can be incredibly rude and insensitive!

I have a friend who had a rocky start in life, but her true friends are in awe of her resilience and courage because she studied hard as a mature student, got herself qualified up to PhD level and then decided her true vocation was teaching, because she wanted to make a difference to the lives of other children.

She loved the job, but quit for a few years because of the attitude towards her of the other teachers in the staff room. Her teaching record was exemplarary and the children loved her. She was popular with parents and inspectors too. She was also in her 30s, never married and not dating anyone and she found herself being marginalised by her colleagues.

It’s no good saying, “maybe you’re taking it too personally” or " people just talk about kids to fill a gap in the conversation", because the hurt is genuine and damaging!

I married at 42 and I know people treat me differently now (in a good way) I’ve had all the nosey ‘baby’ questions. The worst one in the really coy, “are you trying for a family” to which I’m afraid I reply, “there’s no ‘trying’ or ‘not trying’: we’re Catholics so we’re just going at it like bunnies and hoping for the best!” That usually shuts them up 👍

When I was merely engaged, I was on a training course with a lady who bluntly asked if it was going to be ‘a second marriage’. When I said ‘no’ she said, “Have you not got any children, then?”

“No”

“Didn’t you want to have children?”

:eek:eh? Do you have X-ray vision and can see my ovarian reserves?..(I thought!)

“I just wasn’t lucky enough to meet anyone until a couple of years ago.”

“Oh…I’ve got other friends who are childless-by-choice (said with more than a hint of disgust)”

“I wouldn’t describe us as childless by choice: we’d be delighted if we had children, but I’ve had a few medical problems and with the best will in the world, we’ll be incredibly lucky if it happens” (while thinking - why the heck do I feel pressured into telling a complete stranger this?!)

So I added, “I love taking my nephew out and I’ve sponsored a child in the Third World for years. I’d rather help children where I can, than get upset about what I haven’t got”

:rolleyes: At that point, she sighed and walked off! During the remainder of her presentations that day, she got in little, “family is important” snippets, while directing her gaze to me!!!

:thumbsup:I’ve another friend who ended up marrying later in life and being fortunate enought to have children, but as a 30-something singleton, her pet hate was when she was on the receiving end of “if you were a mum…” every time she ventured an opinion about children.

Her response was, “Well, actually, I was a child once and I distinclty remember it…”

Keep your chin up - if your colleagues have nothing else to talk about in their lives, then humour them by asking about their families, then come home and forget about them.
 
I’m so sorry for what you have been through. People can be so cruel at times. :console:

We are also childless. 10 years of infertility and we lost our one and only miracle to miscarriage. 😦

We are now permanately childless as I had to have a hysterectomy for severe Endometriosis/Adenomyosis. Which is why we couldn’t get/stay pregnant all those years.

We can’t afford adoption.

The being childless, and grandchild-less is a forever cross now.

We are grieving beyond words. 😦
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I’m so sorry for what you have been through. People can be so cruel at times. :console:

We are also childless. 10 years of infertility and we lost our one and only miracle to miscarriage. 😦

We are now permanately childless as I had to have a hysterectomy for severe Endometriosis/Adenomyosis. Which is why we couldn’t get/stay pregnant all those years.

We can’t afford adoption.

The being childless, and grandchild-less is a forever cross now.

We are grieving beyond words. 😦
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:hug3:
 
Try having a kid in your early 20’s.

People look at you like you are an idiot or some malarky that hints how it HAD to be an accident.

Or my favorite

“O…wow…well what are you gonna do?”

Next time ill say abort the lump of cells so that I dont have MY plans for MY life interrupted and can keep loving a “normal” childless life! Until im way older and then it becomes weird that i dont have kids.

…you just cant win
 
I’m sorry you have had these experiences! Unthinking people are all around us:)
We were childless for eight years until we adopted our first boy. The comments weren’t nearly as bad as the ones we got after adopting such as “Where did he come from?” “What race is he?” “Did you ask for a girl and not get one?” or the winner: “How much did it cost?”
I have found that by asking a question back I can ascertain whether the questioner is just an unfeeling, unthinking person whom I can add to my prayer list, or a genuine person asking for advice or guidance. “Why do you ask?” seems to work well. Sometimes I just say that the answer is personal and kindly move on to something else.
Also finding a group of people not so kid oriented will help. Maybe a church group or volunteering in a food bank would be good, take the focus off of you and onto others:)
I will pray that things improve for you! God bless.
 
We cannot control how others behave. We can only take what gifts are given to us and direct our hearts to God. I may have misread the post, but it sounds like you are hurt more about peer presure than actually being a mother. I would guess that it is satisfying to teach the children you have been entrusted to. In this, you probably are a spiritual mother to them as well. You can cultivate this by making prayers for each of them and increasing your number of prayers for them.

Since you are surrounded by peers who have children you might want to find a circle of friends who are not focused as intensely on children. I am part of a musical group who goes to a retirement community to have a sing-a-long with the residents. Many in this group are empty nesters and spend free time traveling and seeking musical concerts. They love to seek out varieties of performances. Sure, it’s natural for people to want to “pry” in attempts to get to know you better. You may not feel so hurt if you cultivate the gifts around you and embrace the gifts you have while growing your future.
 
I apologize for being late to this discussion. I’ve been in the hospital (nothing serious, but prayers for my recovery from surgery would be greatly appreciated :)).

Married in our early 30s, we are childless after nearly 14 years. The situation is not yet officially permanent (I’m deliberately being vague), but we can’t avoid the increasing likelihood that we will never be parents.

Like 1ke, I have never had the experience MarieVeronica describes. Most people don’t ask. Most of those who do assume we aren’t avoiding parenthood on purpose and offer to pray for us. We’ve even had people offer our intentions at Masses in Rome, light candles for us in Lourdes and Knock…we have been richly blessed. There are, of course, those who mean well but express themselves clumsily or wihout thinking, but such encounters are rare.

I have been fortunate enough to be granted responsibilities in my parish that keep me in contact with children of all ages. I love them as my own, and would probably have more difficulty accepting our childlessness without the interaction provided by other people’s offspring. I welcome the many ways God chooses to bless me, even if the gifts He gives me are not the ones I ask for.

Sadly, things don’t work like this for The Husband. He finds it so painful to be around kids that I have to turn down all dinner invitations from couples with children. Paradoxically, some people assume I as the woman would somehow be more sensitive to not being a parent than he would because he’s the man, and they ask him the hard questions thinking they are sparing me when in reality they’re actually hurting the more vulnerable person between us. I wonder if there’s some mindset that the wife is the only one who suffers, or the principal person affected, in the absence of children. If true, then we are unusual (but we’re used to being different from everyone else :whacky:). From what I have seen, however, couples faced with this cross carry it together and generally bear the burden in roughly equal measure.

In the end, it’s nobody’s business why we don’t have children, just as it’s nobody’s business why the couple next to us has ten. “Why do you ask?” can be an effective way to drive that point home without being uncharitable.

This has been our experience. Everyone is different, so YMMV.

All childless couples are in my prayers, particularly those whose cross is especially heavy due to the behavior of those around them. May God bless you all abundantly! :hug3:
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I’m so sorry for what you have been through. People can be so cruel at times. :console:

We are also childless. 10 years of infertility and we lost our one and only miracle to miscarriage. 😦

We are now permanately childless as I had to have a hysterectomy for severe Endometriosis/Adenomyosis. Which is why we couldn’t get/stay pregnant all those years.

We can’t afford adoption.

The being childless, and grandchild-less is a forever cross now.

We are grieving beyond words. 😦
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To me being married but involuntarily childless is a much heavier cross to bear than being involuntarily single.
:hug1:
 
I think you are putting to much into their reaction to your answer. I think it has more to do with you being a temporary employee who will only be around for awhile verses someone who is an established member of the staff. I would look for friend and buddies outside of the work environment. The type of work you do as a substitute who moves around a lot makes it difficult to form friendships. People figure why bother if that person may be gone in a day, week or whatever. It’s just human nature. Join a group that does something you enjoy and has activities on a regular basis. Start one if you can’t fine one. I like to hike and organize in a hiking group. I don’t have kids either. It wasn’t my choice. I never met Mr. Right and none of the guys I dated never wanted kids. It’s why I stopped dating the last guy who flat out said he was too selfish to want or need kids. I still have a very faint hope of finding someone who already has kids or would like to adopt them but at 46 my days of actually having a biologically child are gone with the wind so to speak. It’s been very painful and disappointing to me. My stepmother went through the same thing she couldn’t have them because of medical reasons. It’s female nature to what to have them. My sister recently got married and had a child. While I very happy for her it’s been very painful for me at the same time. It’s hard not to be a little envious of her. I’ve learned to accept being childless for the most part so it not like I’m moaning all the time about it. There’s no easy answer I think the best we can all do it pray for the strength to accept Gods will and look for avenue to direct our nurturing energy. 🤷
 
Sarcelle said:
To me being married but involuntarily childless is a much heavier cross to bear than being involuntarily single.
:hug1:
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I think they would both be painful in different ways. Being single doesn’t mean you have any less emotions on the subject. Many singles if anything have the loss of not have companionship or children…sort of a double cross to bare. Just my opinion.
 
Luvz2travel said:
I think they would both be painful in different ways. Being single doesn’t mean you have any less emotions on the subject. Many singles if anything have the loss of not have companionship or children…sort of a double cross to bare. Just my opinion.
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If I were married but cannot have kids because of infertility on my part, I would feel like I would be letting my husband down.

As for being single, well, it’s only me that is disappointed. At least I am not hurting or disappointing somebody else. My opinion.
 
I have worked with children and I am a never married childless woman. When asked if I have children I say “no,” or “I wasn’t able to have any.” Many women will drop you socially then because they don’t consider you a real woman. It is just a burden we have to bear.

One of the reasons I did take up working with children was that I realized I would never have my own children.

It also amazes me how people can ask prying questions and think nothing of it.
 
MSSheBear said:
I have worked with children and I am a never married childless woman. When asked if I have children I say “no,” or “I wasn’t able to have any.” Many women will drop you socially then because they don’t consider you a real woman. It is just a burden we have to bear.

One of the reasons I did take up working with children was that I realized I would never have my own children.

It also amazes me how people can ask prying questions and think nothing of it.
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This is the reason why I prefer to work in places that are predominantly male. I noticed that I do not fit in with a lot of women, especially of the married with children clique. A lot of women, not all, but a lot, seem to like forming cliques and excluding others. I am talking about grown women. It seems like they never progressed beyond high school.
 
I’ve had comments all over the place. Got married to my first husband, and got pregnant really quickly. Oh, there were comments about that! Then I miscarried. Then came the comments about when were we going to have kids. Seven years later my first husband died of kidney disease complications and the comments ranged from “why didn’t you have kids?” to “it’s a good thing you didn’t have kids”. I entered into another relationship about a year later… and quickly got pregnant (hoo boy…). Now we’re married and with a toddler daughter. And now it’s “when are you going to have another?”

When it comes to questions about having kids, you just can’t win.
 
Sarcelle said:
This is the reason why I prefer to work in places that are predominantly male. I noticed that I do not fit in with a lot of women, especially of the married with children clique. A lot of women, not all, but a lot, seem to like forming cliques and excluding others. I am talking about grown women. It seems like they never progressed beyond high school.
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Same here.
 
kptrs said:
I’m sorry for the hurtful way you’ve been treated.

I’ve experienced the same thing, but for the opposite reason. In my experience, people act just as unkindly about someone having a child nine months after the wedding as they do about someone never having kids.

My husband and I became pregnant about a month after our wedding (we were both virgins until our wedding night. I was not pregnant before the wedding). When we announced our pregnancy, we received a variety of comments:

“What, already?”

“Was it an accident?”

“Oh, did your NFP not work?”

“Well, looks like you’ll have a half a dozen kids who will drive you nuts.” (Snicker, snicker)

“Had to have a quick little wedding there, didn’t you?”

It stung. Especially the insinuation that we got married just because we were pregnant.

I will never understand things like this. Do people hear themselves when they speak? I really do feel for you and the hurt caused by the things people said to you.
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Maria Veronica , Luv2Travel, and Kptrs:

I get some of this too, in a different way. Over the years, I’ve had people treat me like “your in your mid-40’s and you are not married - what’s wrong with you?”

I do take it as a compliment when people think I am married, and I did spend two and a half years discerning a religious vocation in my later 30’s (I’m a Catholic revert).

I do get upset when people think a man who is 40 and not married is automatically labeled a homosexual (I’m a straight guy), and I do like women. When I do go somewhere with a few of my buddies, it’s normally a “guy movie”, an air show, or a fishing trip. I’m also a little hesitant to go to certain restaurants or see certain films in an “all guy” crowd these days. I shared a large two bedroom apartment in my 30’s with a guy who is like my brother (he didn’t marry until he was 38) and at least one neighbor found it a little “weird”, something that never came up from the neighbors of Oscar Madison and Felix Unger back in the 60s and 70s.

I haven’t given up on marriage (I know my mom is still wanting me to marry), it’s just as I’ve gotten older, the pool does shrink. In my younger days, mostly in my early to mid 30s, I was working 60 to 80 hours a week, which left me little time for socializing. I do think at this point (I’m 49 now - I look like I’m around 40) my chances of having biological children are slim to none, so that ship has sailed. I do keep busy with other activities, and I do some men’s ministry and some hobbies too, in addition to having a decent job.

My youngest brother married for the first time at 40, and like me, he’s a young at heart. One of my brothers has two kids, and I do like being an uncle. He’s pretty good with kids, and my friends who have kids do like the way I interact with their children, which makes me feel welcome like a surrogate uncle.

At church, I do feel like I’m treated well, but around some of my co-workers, I feel a little out of place.
 
hwriggles4 said:
Maria Veronica , Luv2Travel, and Kptrs:

I get some of this too, in a different way. Over the years, I’ve had people treat me like “your in your mid-40’s and you are not married - what’s wrong with you?”

I do take it as a compliment when people think I am married, and I did spend two and a half years discerning a religious vocation in my later 30’s (I’m a Catholic revert).

I do get upset when people think a man who is 40 and not married is automatically labeled a homosexual (I’m a straight guy), and I do like women. When I do go somewhere with a few of my buddies, it’s normally a “guy movie”, an air show, or a fishing trip. I’m also a little hesitant to go to certain restaurants or see certain films in an “all guy” crowd these days. I shared a large two bedroom apartment in my 30’s with a guy who is like my brother (he didn’t marry until he was 38) and at least one neighbor found it a little “weird”, something that never came up from the neighbors of Oscar Madison and Felix Unger back in the 60s and 70s.

I haven’t given up on marriage (I know my mom is still wanting me to marry), it’s just as I’ve gotten older, the pool does shrink. In my younger days, mostly in my early to mid 30s, I was working 60 to 80 hours a week, which left me little time for socializing. I do think at this point (I’m 49 now - I look like I’m around 40) my chances of having biological children are slim to none, so that ship has sailed. I do keep busy with other activities, and I do some men’s ministry and some hobbies too, in addition to having a decent job.

My youngest brother married for the first time at 40, and like me, he’s a young at heart. One of my brothers has two kids, and I do like being an uncle. He’s pretty good with kids, and my friends who have kids do like the way I interact with their children, which makes me feel welcome like a surrogate uncle.

At church, I do feel like I’m treated well, but around some of my co-workers, I feel a little out of place.
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I see your location is Dallas. A never married childless man or woman would probably have more of a fish out water experience in the more conservative red states. I live in the Northeast and I have encountered less judgement on my state in life than when I was in the Midwest.
 
It’s really interesting to hear the male viewpoint in this thread 🙂 It’s not just single men past their mid-30s who get to be ‘assumed gay’ if they have never married, or go on holidays or lodge with friends of the same sex. I remember telling an old friend of the family that I was getting married (in my early 40s) and instead of ‘congratulations’, the first thing that spouted out of her mouth was, “I bet your mother is relieved!” :rolleyes: Closely followed by, " I couldn’t imagine YOU in a dress!"

People can be deliberately cruel and mean, but generally, I find the most blatantly crass comments come from people who genuinely haven’t got the empathy or common sense to come out with anything any less ridiculous. It doesn’t make them nasty, or cruel people: just a bit clueless.
 
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