Childless at 31, A Rant

[tabsie3210]

Here’s one thing that annoys me about reading Christian/Catholic websites that talk about family life and planning - one of the biggest complaints is that women put off marriage until later in life and have kids at an older age. In most cases this is because somewhere along the line the women in question decided to work on their careers instead of starting families, and as they get older they suffer infertility and have fewer children.

I constantly read the woebegon complaints from people, especially men, who talk about women disparaging their roles as wives and mothers, and I want to rip my hair out and scream.

I’m 31 years old and have been Looking for a husband since I was 15! I’m single, still a virgin, and have NO prospects for a marriage. I’m overweight and live at home with my handicapped father and my over-worked mother. Granted, I have the ability to live without paying a significant amount of rent, but this isn’t exactly the lifestyle that you need to attract a suitable mate. And let’s face it, I’ve been told I’m ugly enough times to get the message.

Not every woman is capable of finding a husband, you know. Yes, I went to college, and tried desperately to meet someone while I was there because I wanted a family of my own (and the closest thing I got was, “You’re one of the smartest, funniest, most beautiful women I know. If I weren’t gay, I’d ask you to marry me.” True story. Dark day in the Tabsie household).

I love children. Kids who are bratty, kids who are well-behaved, any kids at all, but I want a stable family to raise them in, and that means having a husband, and I’ll be a black beetle if I’m sitting here thiniking about furthering my career over having kids.

I’m sorry, but I’m terribly irritated, because time and time again I go to websites to read up on family life and care (Hey! I am part of a family, even though it’s my parents’ household, and I want to know more about being a good daughter, too!), and I read these older women and these men kavitch about single professional women who have “lost something,” or who feel the need to “put off a family life for a chance at a career.”

I have a career because I’m trying to take care of myself and my parents. If I had a husband, I’d have a career because a working woman is a blessing (as is said in Proverbs), especially if she does good, and anyway, I’d want to ensure the good health and wellbeing of our kids. Plus, I’d still want to take care of my mother and father, so there’s that. Having a career doesn’t mean I’ve been pushing away my vocation as a mom. I haven’t. I just am hopeless at finding a guy because I don’t know what to do with them and because I don’t have enough steller qualities to attract one.

I wish to Heaven that these people would consider that its hard to find a husband these days! Many guys are responsible, hard working, and totally faithful. But many guys are irresponsible drifters who want an easy sexual relationship without having to put anything back into it, and those are the ones who are easiest to find because the good guys get snatched up too fast.

Some days I want to write to these people and say, “Put a sock in it. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

[Brenda_V]

Well put. My own daughter is in similar circumstances although neither her dad nor I are handicapped. She lives at home because we enjoy her company, she has a career that she is going to school to further. Why would she do this? Because the guys think she is a nice person but that is as far as it goes!

Brenda V.

 

[GraceDK]

Get it all out Tabsie!
I hear you… its difficult to find a good Christian man… I am tired of waiting for him to show up and in the mean while I get my heart broken so much and I do mistakes too that makes me less attractive… Had I met mr. right 5 years ago… oh how much suffering I had been spared.
I would like to try to be a housewife and mother but hey, I have to have a carreer because there is no real marriage prospect and so what else am I gonna do with my self and my time than going back to university?
Its not because I am ugly… I guess I am average… many even say pretty but there are many who are prettier, better and all that… I dont know what I am doing wrong… and another fact is that I have met less than five serious catholic men in my age group since I converted 4 years ago.

In short… I am not going to say: “do something else with your time than worrying and getting bitter”… because I am worried too and its not something I choose.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Don’t forget, there are simply more women in the world than there are men. Also, a lot of guys “say” they want a good woman, but only if she looks like a Barbie doll.

Seriously, I hear you. I’m still very young but it seems that every man I meet, Catholic or not, is just into easy sex and objectifying women. Or they consider me as a “little sister who is gorgeous and smart but I could never date you” kind of thing. Or they’re great guys but they’re gay! Or they’re already taken! And I live in a big city, too!

And having a career does NOT mean a woman is putting off her role as a wife and mother. My mom works (I have two younger siblings still at home) but she’s a much more involved parent than a lot of stay at home parents I know! Same with her best friend who is a HS chem teacher and a wife and mom to five boys! I myself work and go to school and would hope to instill good values into my children through that. Also, St. Gianna Molla was a working mom but a great example of motherhood (how great is your love if you’re willing to die for your child?).

I’ll pray for you. I mean, seriously, I may be young and have time, but I find it frustrating as well.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

I’m thirty-one and live at home, due to rents being outrageous in my area (unless you want to rent a studio apartment with a remote shared bathroom, in a crime-infested area), plus I am also disabled: I was identified as having Asperger’s Syndrome three years ago, and thus I’m socially inept in a foot-constantly-in-the-mouth sort of way, and I tend to dress for comfort rather than for style, and I’m as adept with a make-up brush as a one-armed man is with a two-handed sword. On the practical side, I get stressed out easily, particularly over housework, plus while I’m handy with a kitchen knife or a mixer, I get hives when I have to go near a hot stove. I’m also not great with kids: too noisy, and I tend to get nasty around misbehaving ones. I’ve been told I’m cute and fun to be with, but finding a guy who wants to be with someone who’s got all of the above checks and balances, for the rest of his life, is not easy.

My worst pet peeve is when well-intentioned people (friends, co-workers) remind me about my “ticking biological clock”; cases like that, I’m tempted to look around comically and say, “You hear a ticking sound? I don’t. Maybe you should get those auditory hallucinations checked out.”

 

[samcarter14]

Marriage is a vocation. It is not a vocation for everyone, in my opinion. I have a brother in law who lamented for YEARS the fact that he wasn’t married, and he was in his forties, and then his fifties…he spent a lot of time on Catholic dating sites, finally found somebody he proposed to, they got married…

and they’re miserable. He thought getting married would make him happier and healthier; he never worked on getting healthy before getting married or on his spiritual life. Nor did he work on discerning whether being single was his vocation, rather than the married life. All he knew was, his siblings were all married and it wasn’t fair that he wasn’t.

My brother wasn’t married when I got married. My parents gave him heck about it, constanty teasing and badgering him to the point where he dreaded family get togethers. He died at age 30, never having been married BUT not regretting it. My mother however, thought it was just a tragedy that he died without ever being married. What, so he could leave a widow? Geez. He was FINE with not being married, except for my family bugging him about it.

If you are given the business about not being married, I would simply point out to the person giving you the business that “My vocation, right now, is my career and caring for my parents.” Sometimes God has a calling for us, and it is not always what society would impose on us.

Blessings.

 

[Sina]

Hi
You are right. It is hard to find a spouse. Especially after you are finished school.

Hey, have you heard of Ave Maria Singles? It is a Catholic website that many here have used. Maybe someone has already mentioned it. I just scanned the responses hear.

I hear you though.

I have a few friends who are in their early 30’s and not married. Most of them are beautiful! I am sure you are too btw. Keep praying. Meanwhile, I will be more sensitive to comments I make about women in their 30’s waiting to have kids.

 

[ack]

Here’s one thing that annoys me about reading Christian/Catholic websites that talk about family life and planning - one of the biggest complaints is that women put off marriage until later in life and have kids at an older age.

Compared to other forums, I’ve found the number of such complaints on this site to be much lower. I even stopped reading a certain Christian website because the abuse towards single people was getting too bad.

Men are also on the receiving end of such complaints, which usually assert that if a man is single, it’s because he’s lazy and too immature to embrace his “manly responsibilities” and get married.

 

[SeekerJen]

I’ll be 31 in May. I’ll also have been married 6 years in May. June will mark 5 years of trying unsuccessfully for a child. So in defiance of all those websites- not even all of us who ARE married early have babies early. And just because we’re working, it doesn’t mean we’re any less of a Catholic woman and wife. Nor does it mean I’m being selfish by continuing with my career and not trying to be a mother at any cost. Honestly, I think the world would be more sympathetic if I went the immoral route of IVF or similar (don’t worry, I’m not doing this). The non-Catholics would stop thinking I was crazy if we did that, and the Catholics would stop assuming I was selfishly using birth control.

Good rant, Tabsie. I join you in solidarity as a 30-something childless woman. I wish people would mind their own business.

 

[leonie]

Hi
You are right. It is hard to find a spouse. Especially after you are finished school.

Hey, have you heard of Ave Maria Singles? It is a Catholic website that many here have used. .

Steve Wood recommends it.

No one’s dignity comes from anything in they do in life. Our dignity comes from being a child of God, made in His Image.

I think it’s very cool that you are taking care of your folks. Bravo!!

 

[tabsie3210]

Thanks all of you. It’s nice to see that I’m not the only one in this boat.

Oy! Don’t get me started on all the blogs I’ve read where some parent is complaining that his/her son hasn’t “found a good woman and settled down yet!” If there’s anything that puts pressure on a guy to not get married, it’s having Mom and Dad hanging over his head and badgering him! Poor guys - I’m not dissing men here, because they aren’t the ones primarily responsible. I may be frustrated, but that’s not their fault as a collective. Some individuals are crude and cruel, but they don’t represent their gender.

SeekerJen - Have you ever had this conversation? “Hey, Jen, I notice you’re not having any kids yet. Good for you! I always thought they were a waste of time, too!” And after you picked your jaw up from the floor, did you yell like I wanted to? The other bad assumption that people make - Catholics and non-Catholics alike - is that you’d be happy not to have children yet. That you’re part of some little elite clique that is too “cool” to settle into monotony of parenthood. That somehow having kids makes you less of a Womyn (or however they spell it these days) and more of a Stepford Wife. That because I’m single there’s something hip about me, something that says, “I’m too good to waste my life on a family! I’m selfish and I’m proud!”

I can’t stand that. I’m not like that - I honor motherhood, revere my elders, and love seeing happily married couples because they’re what Heaven will be like (in my humble opinion) - a huge family! I admit I’m a sinner with plenty of faults, and I have some to spare if anybody needs some, but the level of selfishness that some women have, saying that nothing’s good enough unless they are in total control, offends me. I’m sure you’ve had to put up with your share of that, too.

 

[tabsie3210]

Samcarter14 and Sina -

I joined Ave Maria Singles (I love that website Sina) and one of the things the priest talked about in the “Road to Canna” videos is how all people are called to parenthood. As a priest, he has a call to be a spiritual father to everyone in his parish. Lay people are called to parenthood, either by marriage and childrearing, or by devoted single life. Everyone’s Vocation is different, but there is a common denominator in all Vocations.

I adore one of my nephews, a little tyke who’s demanding and fussy and loud and sometimes obnoxious, and anyway, he’s a seven year old boy and I LOVE the stuffing out of him, but because his mom and I aren’t as close as we used to be, I don’t get to see him much anymore, and anyway, he’s not mine to raise. I know that I’m called to some kind of Vocation of parenthood, but I don’t know what. I do know that I’d like to adopt a child, because kids waiting to be adopted need parents desperately, and older kids are so hard to place!

But to be a good parent, you need some kind of solid foundation. For the clergy, that’s the Church, taken together. For lay people, it’s marriage. I know that I’m called to give love to children who need it, and while I’m looking into something like Big Brother’s/Big Sisters, it’s not exactly a permenant fix for the kids, nor is it the same as building up a real family.

Maybe I’m not called to the vocation of marriage, but I would love to have a family, because I have this need to love on someone, kids and adults, and build something together.

Blah.

 

[SeekerJen]

SeekerJen - Have you ever had this conversation? “Hey, Jen, I notice you’re not having any kids yet. Good for you! I always thought they were a waste of time, too!” And after you picked your jaw up from the floor, did you yell like I wanted to? The other bad assumption that people make - Catholics and non-Catholics alike - is that you’d be happy not to have children yet. That you’re part of some little elite clique that is too “cool” to settle into monotony of parenthood. That somehow having kids makes you less of a Womyn (or however they spell it these days) and more of a Stepford Wife. That because I’m single there’s something hip about me, something that says, “I’m too good to waste my life on a family! I’m selfish and I’m proud!”

I can’t stand that. I’m not like that - I honor motherhood, revere my elders, and love seeing happily married couples because they’re what Heaven will be like (in my humble opinion) - a huge family! I admit I’m a sinner with plenty of faults, and I have some to spare if anybody needs some, but the level of selfishness that some women have, saying that nothing’s good enough unless they are in total control, offends me. I’m sure you’ve had to put up with your share of that, too.

I’ve gotten a little of that, but definitely more of the “Why don’t you have kids? Don’t you want kids?”-“You’re not getting any younger, you know”-“Oh you couldn’t possibly understand, you’re NOT a parent”-“Doctors can fix that, you know”-“The Church doesn’t allow birth control” attitude. I’m starting to notice a chillier attitude toward me from a few people in my parish- people who know that I’ve been married for several years now, people who were chilly toward my parents for having only one child (I was conceived only after my mother had surgery to remove uterine fibroids), but who have always been friendly to me. A couple of them are EMHCs- I’m waiting for them to try and deny me the Eucharist.

 

[yellowbird]

Tabsie ~ I loved your posts… ranting and all. And whoever said you were ugly was dead wrong… your beauty just shines through.

I wish I had a brother worth anything - I’d fix you up with him. But trust me, you are too good for him. I hope Mr. Right comes along so you can have what you want in life. But in the meantime, keep on doing what you’re doing. Your parents are SO VERY BLESSED to have you for a daughter.

 

[Eucharisted]

A good prayer to pray is this:

Lord Jesus Christ, I give You my will and I ask, in exchange, for Your Will. Tell me what Your Will is for me and I will live by it exclusively - through You, with You, and in You! Amen.

If God is calling you to marriage, you’ll get married. Pray, hope, and don’t worry. Worry is useless.

 

[Eucharisted]

Another good prayer:

O my Jesus, I offer up my will to You, as a sacrifice, for love of You and for the conversion of sinners. May Your Will be done in me! Amen.

 

[tabsie3210]

A good prayer to pray is this:

Lord Jesus Christ, I give You my will and I ask, in exchange, for Your Will. Tell me what Your Will is for me and I will live by it exclusively - through You, with You, and in You! Amen.

If God is calling you to marriage, you’ll get married. Pray, hope, and don’t worry. Worry is useless.

That is a beautiful prayer! So is the one you posted after it! I should offer up my frustrations for the sake of souls in Purgatory, but I always feel a little like, “well, if I’m offering up for their souls, shouldn’t I offer up some serious suffering? Goodness knows that’s what they’re going through.” But I shall offer it up anyway, my frustrations and the sadness of my single state, and just leave it to God to know the right way to distribute it.

That sounds so silly re-reading it, but I guess my brain is wired a little weird, because that’s actually how I think.

Oh well. You’ve taught me two lovely prayers and I’m very happy for them!

 

[tabsie3210]

Tabsie ~ I loved your posts… ranting and all. And whoever said you were ugly was dead wrong… your beauty just shines through.

I wish I had a brother worth anything - I’d fix you up with him. But trust me, you are too good for him. I hope Mr. Right comes along so you can have what you want in life. But in the meantime, keep on doing what you’re doing. Your parents are SO VERY BLESSED to have you for a daughter.

Thanks, Yellowbird. I may not know everything, and there are times that I know I’m in the wrong, but I love to post here and get it out, and then hear what others have to say, because sometimes I miss something that others bring out and point me the right way.

You’re lovely for understanding my position with my folks. One of the things that irritates me is that my well-meaning friends all keep trying to encourage me to get my own place. Apparently, living at home to help out is a “bad” thing if one is trying to find a spouse. But I couldn’t just up and abandon my parents! I’d like to move out, sure, but I also know that my father needs me right now and that even if I’m hindered in finding a husband, this is what I have to do.

 

[bluerose]

One of my SILs is 51 and still single… never married, spent the first 13 years of her adult life as a CLOISTERED Carmlite nun (she had to be dispensed of her vows because of severe health problems–one of them Reynaud’s syndrome, which was aggravated by austere living conditions.) It took a long time for her to come to grips with the fact that what she thought was her vocation–the religious life–wasn’t. She went to work, went to college, got her master’s degree in teaching and became a university teacher. She is warm, loving, funny, and nurturing. She’d never be confused with a swimsuit model, but hey, neither would I. She, too, loves children (says she is a big kid herself).

But she always said, “The only men I’ve met I’d want to marry are either already married… or they’re my brothers!” She lived here, with her parents, in the midst of three brothers (one older, two younger) who were married and having kids all over the place. She became everyone’s favorite aunt, the one all the kids fought to sit on her lap, the one all the kids wanted to have sleepovers with. How could it be that someone who would be a perfect mother had no child of her own to raise?

Then her older brother’s wife discovered she had a fatal disease at the age of 27. Shortly after her 28th birthday, she died, leaving three small children (the oldest 7, the youngest 2). Guess who’s been a mother to those three children for the last six years? Her brother, the children’s father, married late in life (he’s a year older than she is, married when he was 37) and has no interest in finding another wife (he said he understood “the two become one” when his wife died, for he felt that he’s only been half alive for the last six years.) So now, as the children are moving into the teen years, happy and secure and stable, she realizes that had she married when she was younger, her brother would have been raising these children alone–he had to work to support them and she was able to step in and “be a mother” to them, although she has NEVER let them forget their mother.

She says, God had a plan for her life, and he needed her to be where she was, at the time she was there, to do what needed to be done. She is not discounting the possibility (however remote) of marriage, but she was able to “have children” even without marriage (she underwent an emergency hysterectomy 15 years ago) and she is happy in accepting God’s will. Did that come easy? No easier than I came to accept our infertility (we have that in common–our children are not biologically ours… but they’re ours anyway!)

I’m sorry if it sounds trite, but she’s 51, I’m 41… you’re 31. You’re still very young! You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you and you’ve got a lot of love in you to give… you’re very rich! Don’t let your love stagnate in you… give it to those who need it… and that includes YOU. Allow yourself the indulgence of doing something for yourself once in a while (something a lot of women with husbands and kids neglect… with negative results) and use your love and talents to bring God’s love to others–at work, at home, at the store, volunteering, playing volleyball, whatever. And don’t think that being a single parent, you can’t give an adopted child a firm foundation. Single people have the Church as well. Ground yourself in the Church and God’s love for us. For “hard to place” children, just knowing that someone loves them unconditionally and will be there for them is a firm enough foundation.

My SIL says that her happiness comes from accepting whatever blessings God has in store for her, no matter what they are. So should we all feel this way. She’s probably happier than most married people who “did it right”–waiting to marry the “perfect” person, with a “perfect” career, and a “perfect” wedding, and having the “perfect” number of kids (either zero or 2.5 or whatever the media says it is this week).

You’re in my prayers, Tabsie. Rant all you want, but then straighten your shoulders and go forward. God bless you!

 

[Kaylee]

I agree with YellowBird. Maybe you’re not married yet because you deserve far better than any guy you’ve met. I stayed home with my parents until I married, save the time I was at college. I’m very pretty, everyone says so, I had a lot of looks, but no real takers. I have many attributes that appear ugly in most eyes. Especially the very immature society of men we come in contact with today. It took a long time to find my husband, because I have chronic health issues (mental and physical.) My husband is one of the most selfless and accepting persons I know. I know that I couldn’t have married anyone else, no one would have taken me and all my needs. We are very happily married and thank God for every minute of it. It isn’t perfect though, at least not in the eyes of fellow Catholic married couples. These illnesses of mine have made us unable to have children (though we are completely open to life) and quite possibly even unable to adopt children. As a result, we don’t get along with many catholic families and can’t seem to fit in anywhere because we are so “odd” and “different.” We have even been shunned by some (I guess for not having children?) It seems we are looked upon as contraceptors and sinners. It’s a difficult road, especially when you can’t fit in in your own church and feel like you are scandal itself due to things beyond your control. Please know I understand and hope and pray all works out according your hearts desires and God’s perfect plan for you. :console: